Klonopin and Alcohol... My story of deterioration
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: San Bernardino
Posts: 2
Klonopin and Alcohol... My story of deterioration
Hello everybody 
My names Jordan and heres my story. I was recently released from prison in california after serving 4 years for a robbery charge. I had a prescription to Klonopin at 6mg a day which I had been taking for at least 6 years that they removed me from cold turkey when I was arrested... I was also drinking heavily everyday with the pills. Occasionally, when around, I would do other narcotics too. When I came off everything cold turkey I felt like death, for a long time. At the beginning of my incarceration my mother was found dead in a storage unit in pennsylvania ( here is the story of my mothers death and where I came from as a child: it wont let me post link cuz im new, just go to pennlive dot com and search at top right corner for the article "Losing Lisa" its the first article called: Losing Lisa: Woman trades success, family for alcohol ) She died because of her alcoholism. She was successful at one point and we lived a great life here in cali, when she lost the success she lost her mind and I was subjected to a world of abuse and misery that until then was unfathomable to me... Ive used mind altering substances to cope with life since I was 14. I also vented my anger and frustration through crime. Im 27 right now and have spent a total of 8 years in jail and prison. Ive been incarcerated practically my whole adult life. Ive been out of prison for 5 days right now and have refrained from any use. The anxiety I feel is paralyzing. Every part of me wants to run back to what I know and numb myself. But a stronger part of me doesnt want to end up like my mother. I consider myself to be an intelligent individual, I love philosophy and psychology, I know where im headed if I go back... its not rocket science. But will this foreboding, apprehension, anxiety, and discomfort i feel everyday all the time ever subside... ?? I wonder. Because to live a life feeling this way to me doesnt feel like living at all. At 27 I have nothing and no one, all I feel I've acquired is an inability to properly function in society. I use to be a local musician with an established fan base whom people looked up to, I use to be so outgoing people always wanted to be around me to absorb the energy, i use to be happy... Now I just feel like I want someone to hold me and tell me ***** going to be alright- and just to know its going to be alright. But I dont want pity, I despise it. I believe it nurtures weakness. I strongly believe the true value of a man is measured by his ability to endure and overcome hardship, pain, misery, etc... am i simply weak by disposition or just ****** up chemically and mentally through circumstances...? Does it ever get better?? I dont know... Anyone out there have any advice or words of encouragement? Thank you for taking the time to check this out. Its the first time Im reaching out anywhere. 
My names Jordan and heres my story. I was recently released from prison in california after serving 4 years for a robbery charge. I had a prescription to Klonopin at 6mg a day which I had been taking for at least 6 years that they removed me from cold turkey when I was arrested... I was also drinking heavily everyday with the pills. Occasionally, when around, I would do other narcotics too. When I came off everything cold turkey I felt like death, for a long time. At the beginning of my incarceration my mother was found dead in a storage unit in pennsylvania ( here is the story of my mothers death and where I came from as a child: it wont let me post link cuz im new, just go to pennlive dot com and search at top right corner for the article "Losing Lisa" its the first article called: Losing Lisa: Woman trades success, family for alcohol ) She died because of her alcoholism. She was successful at one point and we lived a great life here in cali, when she lost the success she lost her mind and I was subjected to a world of abuse and misery that until then was unfathomable to me... Ive used mind altering substances to cope with life since I was 14. I also vented my anger and frustration through crime. Im 27 right now and have spent a total of 8 years in jail and prison. Ive been incarcerated practically my whole adult life. Ive been out of prison for 5 days right now and have refrained from any use. The anxiety I feel is paralyzing. Every part of me wants to run back to what I know and numb myself. But a stronger part of me doesnt want to end up like my mother. I consider myself to be an intelligent individual, I love philosophy and psychology, I know where im headed if I go back... its not rocket science. But will this foreboding, apprehension, anxiety, and discomfort i feel everyday all the time ever subside... ?? I wonder. Because to live a life feeling this way to me doesnt feel like living at all. At 27 I have nothing and no one, all I feel I've acquired is an inability to properly function in society. I use to be a local musician with an established fan base whom people looked up to, I use to be so outgoing people always wanted to be around me to absorb the energy, i use to be happy... Now I just feel like I want someone to hold me and tell me ***** going to be alright- and just to know its going to be alright. But I dont want pity, I despise it. I believe it nurtures weakness. I strongly believe the true value of a man is measured by his ability to endure and overcome hardship, pain, misery, etc... am i simply weak by disposition or just ****** up chemically and mentally through circumstances...? Does it ever get better?? I dont know... Anyone out there have any advice or words of encouragement? Thank you for taking the time to check this out. Its the first time Im reaching out anywhere. 
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome Skeptic - I'm so glad you found us.
This is an encouraging and supportive community. We hold each other up. When I came here and found I was no longer alone, it made all the difference to my recovery. You can be yourself without fear of being judged. Glad to have you with us.
This is an encouraging and supportive community. We hold each other up. When I came here and found I was no longer alone, it made all the difference to my recovery. You can be yourself without fear of being judged. Glad to have you with us.
You'll find lots of support here. Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: the driftless zone
Posts: 1,017
Hi Jordan,
I am so glad you found us here. I just read your mother's story; such a tragedy.
You have been through so much...
However, you can feel better. Please stick very close to this site. There are many, many wise and generous people here. Just keep coming and posting. You will get wonderful advice and support.
I am so glad you found us here. I just read your mother's story; such a tragedy.
You have been through so much...
However, you can feel better. Please stick very close to this site. There are many, many wise and generous people here. Just keep coming and posting. You will get wonderful advice and support.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,184
Hi Jordan,
Welcome ro SR mate
I did read the article in Pennlive, that was a tough read, one of the saddest.
I know you don't want sympathy but I can't help it-you have mine.
I reckon your mum wouldn want your outcome to be different
I'm from London so I don't know how things work in the States but do you have somewhere to live and a job or income?
Keep posting anyway, you'll find lots of support fore sure and maybe some helpful advice
Welcome ro SR mate
I did read the article in Pennlive, that was a tough read, one of the saddest.
I know you don't want sympathy but I can't help it-you have mine.
I reckon your mum wouldn want your outcome to be different
I'm from London so I don't know how things work in the States but do you have somewhere to live and a job or income?
Keep posting anyway, you'll find lots of support fore sure and maybe some helpful advice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Oh Jordan. I just read the story about your mom. Every bit of it. If I could give you the biggest hug ever right now I would. You sweet soul. You don't have to continue this cycle, and you are not alone. Please stick around here. It is time for you to do what you must to have the life you deserve. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Hi Jordan, I think you are really cool to reach out. 5 days out, it is huge, no doubt the institution you have left behind will stay with you for quite awhile. Adjustments take time.
Give yourself time to allow the adjustments back into society to happen.
At 27 you have so much potential for a great future. In the mean time do everything you can to have a future with a valuable rich life. Seek out support systems to help keep you accountable.
Drugs and alcohol will only bring you misery and let a lesson learnt be a lesson learnt.
It is great to see you here.
I am so sad to read about your Mum. I am so sorry about your loss.
Give yourself time to allow the adjustments back into society to happen.
At 27 you have so much potential for a great future. In the mean time do everything you can to have a future with a valuable rich life. Seek out support systems to help keep you accountable.
Drugs and alcohol will only bring you misery and let a lesson learnt be a lesson learnt.
It is great to see you here.
I am so sad to read about your Mum. I am so sorry about your loss.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: San Bernardino
Posts: 2
Thank you for welcoming me everyone and also for the condolences... its good to know there really are others out there who understand this struggle. Im trying to stay strong and i believe this place may reinforce that desire 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Jordan and welcome. Alcohol and klonopin were my addictions too. What helped to alleviate anxiety at first gradually became my demise over the course of a decade. I have been clean and sober for over a year and a half.
Something that really helped me was an addictions counselor who managed my expectations. I was prepared for a long haul as benzos withdrawal can be protracted as I am sure you know. I think if I understand correctly you have been in prison for 4 years so I guess that means you have a really good head of steam.
Please don't give that time away….I know it must be strange to be back in the real world. It is ok to feel fragile, I didn't want pity either, I just wanted to regain my respect for myself. For me it wasn't a straight line, but I began to have glimpses of my old self coming back and it keeps getting better. There is NO WAY I would ever give back the ground I have gained. I consider myself a non-drinker, an empowering way to look at it
Everyone has issues, addicts and non addicts, you aren't alone. Being vulnerable can feel frightening but I was glad to feel anything again. I took it really slow, I hunkered down a lot and I was on here a lot. I am so sorry about your mother. But you are a separate person and still very young.
I have told this story before, but I think it is similar to where you are at. I went to inpatient rehab for a month when I got sober. The day I was leaving I really, really felt like I was standing at a fork in the road. One road was where I came from, gray, dull, muffled, always coming from behind. The other road was crisper, brighter and I knew my senses were going to take a while to learn how to handle such strong sensory input.
I continue to be blown away by how my anxiety has diminished. In fact there are times I wish I could tap into it because I had operated with my back against the wall since I was little. I had gotten used to reaching for something anytime I was uncomfortable. But I am changing, and it is an interesting process.
It was really weird at first to be social without substances, but it is also pretty cool. I just tell myself, this is uncomfortable but no one ever died from being uncomfortable. I feel like a new person undercover because most people don't know that a lot of this feels very new. Consider it the most important adventure of your life. YOu are worth it!
Something that really helped me was an addictions counselor who managed my expectations. I was prepared for a long haul as benzos withdrawal can be protracted as I am sure you know. I think if I understand correctly you have been in prison for 4 years so I guess that means you have a really good head of steam.
Please don't give that time away….I know it must be strange to be back in the real world. It is ok to feel fragile, I didn't want pity either, I just wanted to regain my respect for myself. For me it wasn't a straight line, but I began to have glimpses of my old self coming back and it keeps getting better. There is NO WAY I would ever give back the ground I have gained. I consider myself a non-drinker, an empowering way to look at it
Everyone has issues, addicts and non addicts, you aren't alone. Being vulnerable can feel frightening but I was glad to feel anything again. I took it really slow, I hunkered down a lot and I was on here a lot. I am so sorry about your mother. But you are a separate person and still very young.
I have told this story before, but I think it is similar to where you are at. I went to inpatient rehab for a month when I got sober. The day I was leaving I really, really felt like I was standing at a fork in the road. One road was where I came from, gray, dull, muffled, always coming from behind. The other road was crisper, brighter and I knew my senses were going to take a while to learn how to handle such strong sensory input.
I continue to be blown away by how my anxiety has diminished. In fact there are times I wish I could tap into it because I had operated with my back against the wall since I was little. I had gotten used to reaching for something anytime I was uncomfortable. But I am changing, and it is an interesting process.
It was really weird at first to be social without substances, but it is also pretty cool. I just tell myself, this is uncomfortable but no one ever died from being uncomfortable. I feel like a new person undercover because most people don't know that a lot of this feels very new. Consider it the most important adventure of your life. YOu are worth it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Jordan,
No pity from me. I actually can tell from your words you have a good soul and are very intelligent. And considering the challenges you've survived...a courageous human being.
Many many people have had it hard and done amazing things. I see no reason why you can't be one of them.
But, I would like to give you a (((((hug))))) and tell you everything can be alright.
Welcome! You have friends here.
No pity from me. I actually can tell from your words you have a good soul and are very intelligent. And considering the challenges you've survived...a courageous human being.
Many many people have had it hard and done amazing things. I see no reason why you can't be one of them.
But, I would like to give you a (((((hug))))) and tell you everything can be alright.
Welcome! You have friends here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Jordan, I read the story, very sad. I feel for you man, tap into this site constantly, it has tons of people with great ideas, support, philosophies, approaches...you name it, you can find help here. Hang in there bud.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I haven't read your Mom's story yet Jordan, but listening to your story the first thing that popped into my mind was "it sounds like he has a soul sickness". I had this. I was walking around with a lifetime of resentments eating a hole in my soul and I used alcohol and drugs to try and fill that hole up. But after years of living this way the alcohol and drugs stopped working and that's when I got really (soul) sick. You see at that point I couldn't live with alcohol and I couldn't live without it. I had to find something to fill that hole inside of me. I had to find a way to let go of all of those resentments weighing me down. For me the 12 steps provided a way to get rid of those resentments and make things right with the world. It helped me find a way to fill that hole with positive energy.
I'm not here to preach AA though--I believe that there are other avenues to fill up that hole, I'm just sharing what worked for me. I know that in my case it wasn't really the drugs and alcohol that were at the root of the problem, they were just a symptom. But until I got to the root of that problem i was never going to break free from the misery of addiction. I was never someone who was comfortable in my own skin just being me without being high or drunk. Today I am.
Wishing you the best and I hope you stick around here at SR. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here and it comes in a multitude of "flavors". My suggestion is that you find an approach to fill the hole in your soul and practice it like your life depends on it, because it just might.
I'm not here to preach AA though--I believe that there are other avenues to fill up that hole, I'm just sharing what worked for me. I know that in my case it wasn't really the drugs and alcohol that were at the root of the problem, they were just a symptom. But until I got to the root of that problem i was never going to break free from the misery of addiction. I was never someone who was comfortable in my own skin just being me without being high or drunk. Today I am.
Wishing you the best and I hope you stick around here at SR. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here and it comes in a multitude of "flavors". My suggestion is that you find an approach to fill the hole in your soul and practice it like your life depends on it, because it just might.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 282
Jordon thanx for posting! Im back here after 3 years and reading your post has helped me want to get sober! I don't want to be your mum either. Can u go for a run? Exercise is the best anxiety cure. Become addicted to exercise. You'll look so good, you'll meet a nice lady and start afresh. All the best mate. x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, Jordan, and welcome to SR!
I read your mother's story. Heartbreaking.
But every generation has the opportunity to turn the page and start writing a new story. This is your new story. SR folks are kind and we've all been there.
You can do this, Jordan.
I read your mother's story. Heartbreaking.
But every generation has the opportunity to turn the page and start writing a new story. This is your new story. SR folks are kind and we've all been there.
You can do this, Jordan.
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