givingup

Just trying to make it through the evening and spending time on SR certainly helps. I am away from home on business. I told my AH that I would not be calling him while I'm gone because it drives me crazy when I call and he has been drinking. I went on to tell him that he should call me instead if he wants to talk and is sober. Of course, that means when he doesn't call, I know that he is drinking so it still drives me crazy. I managed to get through the first couple nights without calls - he calls every morning and a couple nights - but tonight I am really anxious cuz he hasn't called me again. I am determined not to call him, to be strong, so he knows he can't jerk me around, but it is really hard.

Maybe I should rethink my boundary. It seems like its more punishment for me than him. Any suggestions?

Thanks for being there tonight.

stillhopeful

I hear that you are worried and in pain, but it will pass. From my own experience, I know that if you don't maintain your boundary this time; it will be harder to maintain it the next time. Today, in my Al-Anon meeting, we read and talked about the story in the back of How Al-Anon Works. It is chapter 19, and it is about detachment with love.

What I learned about detachment with love is that if I love this person, I have to let her OR him suffer the consequences of his/her decisions (whether to drink or not). This does not mean that I need to be mean or angry or even distant, but rather that I must focus on taking care of myself and allow my partner the dignity to do the same.

Hang in there.

givingup

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I know you are right. If I crumble, then he will know that I can be manipulated and nothing changes. I read the archives article about the roles we play so that the addiction continues. I will not call....I will not call. I will live strong.

I will hang in there. I will try to do even better and get past the anxiety to enjoy this beautiful summer evening.

angelar

I just want to say: you can do it!
be strong. I often wished that someone would stop me from calling when I would call to tell him I wasn't going to call anymore. LOL

You are doing the right thing.
God bless,
angela

cwohio

givingup - didn't see this til today but hope you made it thru and didn't call!

hugs - cwohio

givingup

Well, here I am again, same place, different night. He actually ended up calling me late last night - sober, too. He had been out fishing with his brothers until late and did not have cell phone service where they had been. That happens where we live. It was such a pleasant surprise to get the call. I was hanging tough and then was so thrilled that he called.

Tonight though he has not called. No excuses. He is suppose to be home tonight working in the yard. Its way too late for that now. So I'm back to trying to keep my attention on my own activities.

So my question is what is the proper response when he calls in the morning. Just act like nothing is wrong? Or just turn off the cell phone so he can't reach me? I don't want to be manipulative but I want him to know that I'm not stupid either.

Thanks for the advice.

shutterbug

Stay strong. I don't know if I can be of much help since I know all too well what you are going through. It's hard not to pick up that phone. The trick is to do anything to get your mind off of your husband! It's very hard to do sometimes, but when you are tempted the most to call, that is when you need to be as creative as possible to occupy your brain. Are there any late movies or sites to go and see instead of waiting around for him to call? You could write a letter to a family member (even him if you want) or a friend. Watch a movie on T.V. , although that never seems to help me much and I can't enjoy the movie because I have the phone sitting beside me waiting for him to call.

What about a hot bubble bath, a walk outdoors, shopping, or call someone else instead like your sponsor if you have one or another anon.

You're doing great. Keep up the good work! Remember that if you let him step all over you once, then it makes it even easier for him to do it the next time!

God Bless,
Jenna

Magichappens

I agree with Jenna. It is hard to get my mind off the alcoholic sometimes. It takes practice. She has some good suggestions to try. One thing I like to do when I'm out of town is to find an Al-Anon meeting. It is cool to see different people who are going through the same things and getting better. I know I'm never alone with my situation. Hugs, Magic

givingup

I made it through the night. Took your advice and chatted with a friend. I wouldn't say I slept well, but I slept. I don't want to play games with him but I don't even want to talk to him today so I am going to screen my calls. Like what is he going to say to make it better and I don't want to pretend that everything is alright. So for now I will do what I want (which is to not talk to him) and try to stay clear in my intentions to set boundaries. These boundaries are turning into walls though and maybe they will be my best defense in the end.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I want to live strong.

givingup

Hadn't thought of taking in a meeting here! Thanks for the advice. I'll check it out.