What does it take?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 4
What does it take?
Hello, everyone,
I've spent the better part of a decade trying to get sober. I'm so exhausted by it all, and am losing hope. I've tried AA, moderation management/harm reduction, antabuse, antidepressants, therapy, good nutrition, and fitness. The longest period of sobriety I've had was six months, when my dad was dying of brain cancer -- I was helping to take care of him and I wanted to be 100-percent present at that time. Since his death, I've only been able to stay sober a few weeks here, a month there. Nothing lasting.
I fear that because I've tried so many things, and have not been able to make those strategies work, that I've run out of options. It's almost like I took a half dose of the antibiotic and now my body's immune to the cure.
To those of you who've managed to achieve sobriety for any length of time, particularly those who were chronic relapsers, what was the tipping point?
Because I don't think it's as simple as reaching a bottom, losing something or someone important, etc. I think it's a fundamental shift in thinking, and I haven't found that yet. If anyone wants to share insights, I would be really grateful.
I've spent the better part of a decade trying to get sober. I'm so exhausted by it all, and am losing hope. I've tried AA, moderation management/harm reduction, antabuse, antidepressants, therapy, good nutrition, and fitness. The longest period of sobriety I've had was six months, when my dad was dying of brain cancer -- I was helping to take care of him and I wanted to be 100-percent present at that time. Since his death, I've only been able to stay sober a few weeks here, a month there. Nothing lasting.
I fear that because I've tried so many things, and have not been able to make those strategies work, that I've run out of options. It's almost like I took a half dose of the antibiotic and now my body's immune to the cure.
To those of you who've managed to achieve sobriety for any length of time, particularly those who were chronic relapsers, what was the tipping point?
Because I don't think it's as simple as reaching a bottom, losing something or someone important, etc. I think it's a fundamental shift in thinking, and I haven't found that yet. If anyone wants to share insights, I would be really grateful.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Hi and welcome Depp.
I didn't want to die and I nearly did. That was enough of a kick in the head for me. It's not a path I recommend tho.
When I got right down to it I could be the man I wanted to be, or I could drink, but not both.
I've done more in the last 8 years sober than I did in the 20 years before that.
I've also been happier and more at peace than at any other time of my life.
It's a great deal - all that and all I had to do was give up drinking....
what do you think keeps pulling you back to drinking?
D
I didn't want to die and I nearly did. That was enough of a kick in the head for me. It's not a path I recommend tho.
When I got right down to it I could be the man I wanted to be, or I could drink, but not both.
I've done more in the last 8 years sober than I did in the 20 years before that.
I've also been happier and more at peace than at any other time of my life.
It's a great deal - all that and all I had to do was give up drinking....
what do you think keeps pulling you back to drinking?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I think it's both.
I was very close to losing my family and my health. And, I had a shift in my thinking. I had to reconnect spiritually, I knew it was essential. Without that shift, I think I would have continued slipping away. "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav pointed the way for me.
And, just because those things have failed in the past, doesn't mean they won't work this time.
I was very close to losing my family and my health. And, I had a shift in my thinking. I had to reconnect spiritually, I knew it was essential. Without that shift, I think I would have continued slipping away. "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav pointed the way for me.
And, just because those things have failed in the past, doesn't mean they won't work this time.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hello Depp, and welcome to a great place for friendship & encouragement.
Like Dee and Anna, I was close to losing everything, including my life. I had multiple serious problems, all due to drinking. I'd been at it for decades and it was taking it's toll. When I came here I'd been drinking every day for a long time. I couldn't imagine life without it. Yet it was making me sick and miserable - never helping me cope. I had to give up the idea that it would ever be fun or relaxing - or an answer to anything. Life is so much better with eyes wide open.
I hope it helps to talk things over here, with people who care and understand like no one else can. We're glad you found us - you can do it this time depp.
Like Dee and Anna, I was close to losing everything, including my life. I had multiple serious problems, all due to drinking. I'd been at it for decades and it was taking it's toll. When I came here I'd been drinking every day for a long time. I couldn't imagine life without it. Yet it was making me sick and miserable - never helping me cope. I had to give up the idea that it would ever be fun or relaxing - or an answer to anything. Life is so much better with eyes wide open.
I hope it helps to talk things over here, with people who care and understand like no one else can. We're glad you found us - you can do it this time depp.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,774
I had relapsed after six months sober. Drank for two days and was sicker than I'd ever been. 
I somehow knew, I knew I couldn't go on that way anymore.
I can't describe it, just a feeling of doom, a feeling that if I continued to drink, I would die and I didn't want to die just yet. I keep that feeling in my mind every day. I know I can never drink again. I was lucky. The "only" thing I lost was my self respect and the respect of my kids.
It's been over five years now and I'm still just as determined to stay sober as I was that awful day. And my life has gotten so much better. I wake up happy and go to bed happy. I take life as it comes. I don't numb myself. I let myself feel the feelings. And tho it's hard sometimes, it hasn't killed me yet.
I somehow knew, I knew I couldn't go on that way anymore. I can't describe it, just a feeling of doom, a feeling that if I continued to drink, I would die and I didn't want to die just yet. I keep that feeling in my mind every day. I know I can never drink again. I was lucky. The "only" thing I lost was my self respect and the respect of my kids.
It's been over five years now and I'm still just as determined to stay sober as I was that awful day. And my life has gotten so much better. I wake up happy and go to bed happy. I take life as it comes. I don't numb myself. I let myself feel the feelings. And tho it's hard sometimes, it hasn't killed me yet.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I think it does have to be a fundamental shift of thinking Depp. For me I finally decided that wasting my life and that of those around me was not acceptable anymore. The alcoholic life is based on lies, the most important ones to ourselves. And as you have found, none of the regular methods work if you aren't willing to accept your problem in unconditionally. Things get a whole lot easier once you do that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 53
Dont have a long term of recovery, however what makes this time feel different is how I disect drinking. For a long time I told myself I used to have fun drinking.... which was crap. I looked at everytime I drank and replayed the entire night... How I spent more money than I should have, How I said something I regretted to someone I didnt know, How I hurt someones feelings but laughed it off because I was drunk, How I eventually began drinking in solitude so no one could see what I became when I drank, How I eventually needed to drink everyday to get anything resembling sleep, How the withdrawls came, How the night terrors made me wonder if the next time I closed my eyes I would have a stroke. After I began looking at alcohol in all the negatives instead of jjust the positives I began to understand that drinking was never fun, I creeated a false sense of what was "fun" inorder to justify my drinking. I drank to create a false-fun
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
You were able to maintain sobriety because you had a meaningful task to accomplish with your father. This was something that you did for another individual. Your experience with your father made me think of something I wrote not too long ago.
The thing that made sobriety possible for me was to have a framework to work within. It boiled down to making a decision about what I was going to use to base my decisions upon. There were so many considerations, and so many decisions in the beginning. It was very overwhelming. I needed to chart a different course, but that meant changing some of my values.
AA helped me with that. It was not like I swallowed AA hook line and sinker, but there were a few things that I heard there that made sense. I realized that my drinking was a very selfish thing. It was all about me. It was all about feeling good, or sometimes, just not feeling so bad. I wanted something they talked about in AA. They talked about "freedom from the boundaries of self". I didn't even know what that meant, but the people who used that phrase, well, they had something. You could see it in their eyes. You could hear it in their voice. It took a long time for me to understand what was being talked about.
If you strive to live your life for the greater good, that is, you attempt to live it so that the product of your actions results in the greatest good for the greatest number, and is not centered around yourself and the desire to feel good, then that's exactly what will happen. You will feel good. I'm not talking about feeling good directly, as by ingesting a substance to change your mood or even through something like spending money. I'm talking about bringing good into the lives of others.
Freedom from the boundaries of self is a life made meaningful as the result of leading a principled existence, and happiness then becomes the byproduct of that process, not the goal.
The thing that made sobriety possible for me was to have a framework to work within. It boiled down to making a decision about what I was going to use to base my decisions upon. There were so many considerations, and so many decisions in the beginning. It was very overwhelming. I needed to chart a different course, but that meant changing some of my values.
AA helped me with that. It was not like I swallowed AA hook line and sinker, but there were a few things that I heard there that made sense. I realized that my drinking was a very selfish thing. It was all about me. It was all about feeling good, or sometimes, just not feeling so bad. I wanted something they talked about in AA. They talked about "freedom from the boundaries of self". I didn't even know what that meant, but the people who used that phrase, well, they had something. You could see it in their eyes. You could hear it in their voice. It took a long time for me to understand what was being talked about.
If you strive to live your life for the greater good, that is, you attempt to live it so that the product of your actions results in the greatest good for the greatest number, and is not centered around yourself and the desire to feel good, then that's exactly what will happen. You will feel good. I'm not talking about feeling good directly, as by ingesting a substance to change your mood or even through something like spending money. I'm talking about bringing good into the lives of others.
Freedom from the boundaries of self is a life made meaningful as the result of leading a principled existence, and happiness then becomes the byproduct of that process, not the goal.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
The scales tipped from being scared of never drinking again to scared of drinking again.
Why was I scared? I was diagnosed with a serious, but hopefully reversible health condition from my drinking.
I was hungover everyday, too. I was a very sick person just going through the motions of life. I had forgotten what it felt like to not be hungover.
I didn't even get buzzed anymore after 12 drinks. I would get sloppy like I was drunk. Well, I was "drunk" but it was totally different than before. My body stopped processing it correctly. All enjoyment and relaxation was gone. It actually made me feel like I was losing my mind.
It was a lose-lose-lose-lose situation if I continued. I was killing myself and the life I did have was barely tolerable.
It really wasn't a choice anymore. I had to stop.
I did the math and my twelve drinks a night for eight years evened out to 6 drinks a night for 16 years, 4 drinks a night for 24 years, or two drinks a night for 48 years. I had used up my allotted number of drinks for this lifetime. Seeing numbers helped me to make peace with the fact that I can not, will not, and do not drink anymore.
One last thing. I did not think I would stop. I did not think it was possible. It is though. Please take our word for it that life is way better without drinking.
Why was I scared? I was diagnosed with a serious, but hopefully reversible health condition from my drinking.
I was hungover everyday, too. I was a very sick person just going through the motions of life. I had forgotten what it felt like to not be hungover.
I didn't even get buzzed anymore after 12 drinks. I would get sloppy like I was drunk. Well, I was "drunk" but it was totally different than before. My body stopped processing it correctly. All enjoyment and relaxation was gone. It actually made me feel like I was losing my mind.
It was a lose-lose-lose-lose situation if I continued. I was killing myself and the life I did have was barely tolerable.
It really wasn't a choice anymore. I had to stop.
I did the math and my twelve drinks a night for eight years evened out to 6 drinks a night for 16 years, 4 drinks a night for 24 years, or two drinks a night for 48 years. I had used up my allotted number of drinks for this lifetime. Seeing numbers helped me to make peace with the fact that I can not, will not, and do not drink anymore.
One last thing. I did not think I would stop. I did not think it was possible. It is though. Please take our word for it that life is way better without drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 138
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I was tired of constantly being filled with shame, regret, remorse, and embarrassment. I no longer wished to see disappointment in the eyes of my children. I still had my job, my children, and my husband. I decided I wanted to keep those things more than I wanted to drink. I traded in drinking and my friends to watch tv with my kids. Best decision I ever made.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
My three-year relapse began with dinners out with my XGF, occasionally drinking at nice bars together while watching the World Series, the Kentucky Derby, and football games. Drinking at home was nice too. She's a great cook, so it took some time to prepare our dinners, with me helping out. Drinking seemed just right on those occasions. Meanwhile, I was making several trips to our bedroom to knock back shots from my bottle of Ketel One Vodka.
Whether we went out or stayed at home, I would wait for her to fall asleep, and then the real drinking began. Every night.
It ended with me sitting in a flop house, alone and in my unwashed clothes, drinking from a bottle of Georgi. Could barely make it the twenty feet to the bathroom. A few visits to the ER after having passed out both at work and at home. One time being held overnight in the psych unit. Had acute pancreatitis for which I did not seek treatment, so I was vomiting a good deal of the time. Sometimes I'd shoot a can of beer to force myself to vomit so that I could go on drinking. Blood pressure through the roof which triggered my passing out. Daily and nightly blackouts, often more than one in the same 24-hour day. I was told when I finally regained consciousness during my visits to the ER that I should have been dead. I stopped functioning to the extent that I could no longer tend to even the most basic functions. I was ultimately broke, homeless and penniless. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing left to "fix."
I don't recommend this method to anyone.
As Anna suggested, you're a different person each time you attempt to get sober, and after each time you relapse. The methods you've used in the past will not necessarily be unhelpful for you in the present. But you need to do something.
Stop drinking.
Whether we went out or stayed at home, I would wait for her to fall asleep, and then the real drinking began. Every night.
It ended with me sitting in a flop house, alone and in my unwashed clothes, drinking from a bottle of Georgi. Could barely make it the twenty feet to the bathroom. A few visits to the ER after having passed out both at work and at home. One time being held overnight in the psych unit. Had acute pancreatitis for which I did not seek treatment, so I was vomiting a good deal of the time. Sometimes I'd shoot a can of beer to force myself to vomit so that I could go on drinking. Blood pressure through the roof which triggered my passing out. Daily and nightly blackouts, often more than one in the same 24-hour day. I was told when I finally regained consciousness during my visits to the ER that I should have been dead. I stopped functioning to the extent that I could no longer tend to even the most basic functions. I was ultimately broke, homeless and penniless. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing left to "fix."
I don't recommend this method to anyone.
As Anna suggested, you're a different person each time you attempt to get sober, and after each time you relapse. The methods you've used in the past will not necessarily be unhelpful for you in the present. But you need to do something.
Stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Costa Mesa, CA
Posts: 214
After 4 years of trying on and off, It was also that "feeling of doom" I read in another post. Never mind the wreckage, failures and that I looked like Shi!!...My head had gone to a place that was so dark, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I also felt like I had to stop. Didn't matter whether I wanted to or not at that point. Once I made it to 90 days (a goal I had never reached before), I decided to just keep going and going.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
Fundamental shift in thinking is what FINALLY did it for me. Instead of clinging to sobriety I embraced it. I had to change every facet of my life from driving home from work a different way (to avoid my favorite bottle shops) to grocery shopping on Sunday mornings before noon (before the sell of beer & wine was permitted). I avoided all social engagements for the first 2 months.
I told my husband & children - exposing my secret was HUGE since I hid my drinking from everyone.
I made sobriety work instead of it working me. I also used this place like a life-line. Those first few weeks I never logged off. The first day I was on for 24 hours straight. I reached out to others & made sober friends here. I shut up & listened. And I worked my butt off.
It's hard work but worth every second. I never hit a textbook bottom but it was only a matter of time. I don't intend on ever going back. I won't ever be able to drink again - normal or otherwise. Period. To that I say, "halleleffinlujah."
Welcome to the family. I'm so glad you're here.
I told my husband & children - exposing my secret was HUGE since I hid my drinking from everyone.
I made sobriety work instead of it working me. I also used this place like a life-line. Those first few weeks I never logged off. The first day I was on for 24 hours straight. I reached out to others & made sober friends here. I shut up & listened. And I worked my butt off.
It's hard work but worth every second. I never hit a textbook bottom but it was only a matter of time. I don't intend on ever going back. I won't ever be able to drink again - normal or otherwise. Period. To that I say, "halleleffinlujah."
Welcome to the family. I'm so glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Originally Posted by HeartsAfire 
Those first few weeks I never logged off. The first day I was on for 24 hours straight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
It sounds so simple but it's not.
I gained and overwhelming desire to live. To stay alive as long as I can in this life and have a good life. I was in graduate school when I stopped. I wanted to enjoy a career into my thirties, forties, and maybe live to 70 or heck, 90. I want to travel.
Words cannot explain the feeling you get when your mortality becomes a reality rather than some abstract. Turning 30 was a turning point for me. No longer a "kid" who could screw around and put things off til tomorrow.
I thought I was invincible until my doctor told me I wasn't. I'll never forget that day. Ever. At 31 I was killing myself. At 27, 28? I was just drinking. At 31 I was killing myself.
I don't even think about drinking anymore. I am actually taken aback when I think that I used to drink that much. Me? What?
I can check off every box for alcoholism but I refuse to be one that drinks myself to death.
I gained and overwhelming desire to live. To stay alive as long as I can in this life and have a good life. I was in graduate school when I stopped. I wanted to enjoy a career into my thirties, forties, and maybe live to 70 or heck, 90. I want to travel.
Words cannot explain the feeling you get when your mortality becomes a reality rather than some abstract. Turning 30 was a turning point for me. No longer a "kid" who could screw around and put things off til tomorrow.
I thought I was invincible until my doctor told me I wasn't. I'll never forget that day. Ever. At 31 I was killing myself. At 27, 28? I was just drinking. At 31 I was killing myself.
I don't even think about drinking anymore. I am actually taken aback when I think that I used to drink that much. Me? What?
I can check off every box for alcoholism but I refuse to be one that drinks myself to death.
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