Cowgirlie

I'm baaaaack!

And in shock, actually, about the drink-related things that I have done; worst behaviour in a long time. Hard to admit but hey, it's part of my plan, start by being honest and confessing here instead of brushing under the carpet til the next binge...

Very ashamed to admit I got into inappropriate flirty online exchanges with a former boss, while drinking late and my husband in bed. Awful as my husband questioned one line of text that flashed up as a notification on my phone, and I felt sick at my stupidity. No more messages. That's done with thank goodness and we are stronger together, I am very lucky to have him and hate that I made him question our rrelationship, as in very happy with him and the life we have worked hard to build for our kids. Still cringe about the messages but I've told my former boss my husband knows and he has backed off (always tried to pull me when we worked together but is now other side of the world with a girlfriend himself). I guess it just made me feel attractive which doesn't happen often these days, but know I would not have responded like that if sober.

I then reached a new low on Sunday morning, when I vomited at work from still being drunk. I made it to the toilets in time, and work alone in the building at that time of day, but it's my dream job and as I heaved into the toilet I was absolutely amazed that i had reached this unprofessional low. I think it's because I had no mixer for vodka the night before and just used cordial and water so it was stronger than what I abnormally handle, plus mixed with wine.., I dunno, I have not vomited from alcohol in many years and have truely shocked myself to the core. Can still see/smell the colour of the sick; it's a pretty massive visual to hold on to Had to get through my work shift and then a family day out feeling worse than I have since my student days over a decade ago? I think?? Anyway, horrendous. You are the first person I've told! So there, it is out in black and white and my AV will have to deal with the fact I am outing myself! Hate AV so much.

Sooooo typed more than I intended but need to commit to this seriously. I have never gone more than 2 weeks without a drink in my adult life and my AV is incredibly persuasive with promises of relaxation, treating myself, deserving it etc... well if these 2 episodes are anything to go by then AV tells enormous fat whopping lies and leading me to hurt myself and my family, or even lose both which I never thought possible. It's totally disgusting and unfair, plus my body deserves some respect. I'm feeling bloated and just bloody old.

This is day 2 and I finally feel cleaner from loads of water and vitamins. I will join the gym this week as I find once I'm exercising regularly it helps motivate me with controlling my diet in general, which of course makes alcohol (and associated calories!) unappealing.

So there is my plan. Thanks in advance for the support, as I don't know how I'll get past the 2 week stage yet. But wow, risking my marriage and career, pretty epic red flags don'tcha think?? Really shocked at myself, and having to admit I'm probably not 'just' a binge/heavy drinker, but a fledgling addict sliding down a very slippery slope. Ughhh labels not helping so gonna park that train of thought and focus on getting a grip on my life. I literally have it all right now and cannot afford to lose everything over sodding Smirnoff. Thanks again for listening xx

neferkamichael

Cowgirlie, your back, FANTASTIC, nothing to be sorry for , we are all happy you are here, everyone is rootin for ya.

least

I'm glad you're giving sobriety another go.

Hevyn

Good to see you back cowgirlie - very glad it's Day 2, & you sound positive.

Drinking turned me into a different person - I could never trust myself once it was in my system. It was so good to have it out of my life.

Dee74

Glad you;re back cowgirlie

do you think staying sober might need more than the gym tho?

D

Cowgirlie

Hey thanks for taking the time to respond; really appreciate it as I know this place gets flooded with folks trying and disappearing and repeat the cycle. Really want to make this my clean year.

Re-read my post, I should probably point out that there were a few months between the 2 episodes; it wasn't just one horrendous car-crash of a weekend!! Yikes lol

Thanks again x

Cowgirlie

Possibly Dee.
Not really sure how or where to look for the next stage really, nor can I imagine telling my family, friends and employers at the moment, if that's what you mean? I live in such a small place so no anonymity at meetings I wouldn't expect?
I could discuss with my husband but know he will say I don't have a problem just need to learn to moderate! lol what is that word anyway??
What would you suggest?

Dee74

Getting involved here again is always a good first step...maybe check out the Class of March support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2015-a-5.html

or the 24 hour recovery connections thread is a good way to commit to sobriety everyday.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-43-a-3.html

If you felt you needed more real world support, there's a lot of meetings based recovery groups around too - not only AA but others like SMARTRecovery and lifering too

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
D

sva777

Think about telling your AV this next time, is it really such a treat to feel like death for days after a session? I think not which is what changed me, the awfulness just completely ruined any good feeling. Is it really a good time puking, headache, anxiety.... why we rationalize and keep the cycle going I do not know, but I did for years.

MIRecovery

Some options for a plan might include:

• Seeing a doctor
• Removing alcohol from your house
• Not attending events where alcohol is served
• Getting professional help
• Working a program of recovery. AA, SMART, AVART
• Not associating with drinkers

These are just a few things that come to mind. Exercise is a good thing but it is in its self is unlikely to provide sobriety.

Sobriety is about doing whatever it takes to stay sober.

Cowgirlie

MIRecovery I know exercise won't make me sober lol, imagine if it was that easy ha!!!
But during my fittest chapters of life and training and focusing on fitness my drinking has been less quantity, less often, less appealing... so a good start to get back into that mindset, that's all.

Thank you for the tips; I have zero social life these days so avoiding places serving alcohol is easy Also definitely having no alcohol in the house works for me as we live near no shops to nip out and buy any either once home for the night; a drinking night is always planned at daytime to stock up (cringe). Also today I didn't take my purse when I dropped the kids at nursery, so physically couldn't buy any alcohol. All small steps to get me moving,just worrying about the 2 week stage.

Dee thanks for the advice too. I find the monthly class threads giveaway too fast for me to keep up, but will look at the 24hrs one as didn't know about that.

Think I will be ok getting back on my feet for now; the hard bit will come as the month wears on. Shall be spamming here mucho lol

Verte

Hi Cowgirlie! It is great to see you. If I recall correctly you are from a fairly warm and gorgeous part of the world? Weasel and the Weekender Thread regulars are all still hanging out along with lots of great new SRers. Everyone will be thrilled to see you! My name has changed since you were here around your birthday but we are still SR friends.

When I first came here to SR I asked myself some basic questions and visualized where I wanted to go: What do I want in or out of my life? How do I envision and wish to feel within the life I want and deserve? What do I need to do to achieve and maintain this? And then I worked it through day to day using SR, therapist, reading. Well actually, I just stopped drinking and then stayed stopped. Everything else came later.

Good to see you here Cowgirlie.

Thepatman

Welcome back!

jryan19982

Thanks for coming back. But you dont have to and many dont believe you should ever tell your employer. That results in every sick day you take your boss is thinking "Is she drunk? Is this going to be a regular occurrence?"

Chuck39

You must do what works for you but I think you might have to have a heart-to-heart with your spouse. I tried hiding my drinking from my spouse for a long time. Then once I came out with it, had to hide the periods of relapse. It's a really painful cycle. And so not fair to them. In your case, he might completely surprise you and either jump on board or at least be your best cheerleader. You never know ... but I do know I felt immense relief when I finally said to the most important person in my life, I have a problem and I need your help. Happy to meet you cowgirl ... Day 2 again too.

Ruby2

Welcome back Cowgirlie. I remember you from the weekend thread. Like Verte said, it's still there and there's always room.

It took me a very long time to figure out that alcohol was at the root of most of my problems. It helps me to have support in real life in addition to here on SR. If you're worried about anonymity consider that any AA meeting is comprised of people who also have trouble drinking.

Keep coming back. Good to see you.

FreeOwl

yeah cowgirlie... those are 'epic red flags' all right.

I sure hope you look deeply at the ground you've covered and come to the conclusion that you might need a bit more than a gym membership to support your building of a new life.

I've been where you are.... so glad that's all behind me.

Welcome back!