Reasonable or unreasonable?
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Reasonable or unreasonable?
Ok-- I'm really trying to be level headed about this and be reasonable.
As you all know, mom wouldn't bring up anything to me at the hospital or come stay with me. My feelings were hurt by that, but I got over it.
The day I get home from the hospital- she decides that she wants to take my little sister (13) who she brought with her into town. I asked if she could take one of my daughters or maybe even two of them into town with her because they never really get to see my younger sister and they never get to spend time with grandma- plus it would lighten my load here at the house.
She said that my younger sister really just wanted some "mom" time and that no, she wouldn't be taking anyone with them. So she left and came back about 10:30 at night.
Before surgery I bought my younger sister an ice cream cake from DQ because it was her birthday. All I asked was that they save me a piece. Mom told me last night that she ate my piece and there was none left. It was a pretty expensive cake and it was oreo (my fav)....
Then all day yesterday, my younger sister was ill. She was throwing up and vomiting. Mom asked me to make my sister some tea, help change her blankets and to help take her temperature and what not. Ok--
My mom has been trying to talk my step-dad into a new car for a couple months now apparently. And my step-dad won't allow it right now because they are really low on money. So when mom came down here- she said her car broke down. She called my step-dad and said the only way she was going to get home is if the bank loaned her 5 grand and she bought something else. The bank told her no....So she called my grandma (my estranged g-ma ---not my super supportive g-ma). This woman has been pretty nasty to me my whole life. I really didn't want her at my house. But mom invited her anyway because mom was going to borrow 5 grand from her to buy her car. So g-ma stopped by yesterday. Mom asked me to show g-ma around my house-- (I'm kinda revcovering from a hysterectomy right now-but ok)--then g-ma and I actually started talking. We sat down at the table and I was telling her about school and my goals to go into alternative medicine. Mom interupts --says "grandma nancy can't be in here with Dee Dee being sick and all so I don't mean to interupt --but she shouldn't be here". This happens RIGHT when I start talking about me. So mom takes g-ma outside and talks to her for about 30 min.
Today- mom left me here with no supplies. I really need some milk of magnesia to help with some plumbing issues. She left with my little sister to go car shopping. I texted her and asked if she could bring me back a few things before they disappeared for the day.
She got mad at me and said well I have some meds in my big green box that should get you through the day. I also asked for some comfort food. I really wanted some ice cream and some green tea. She didn't like that at all.
Am I being overly sensitive? It feels like she is doing everything she can to put all the attention on the car shopping, my little sister, and her. Am I reading too much into this? I know my hormones are a little out of whack, but I mean..damn! I'm not asking for much! She hasn't cooked a single meal. She hasn't done any laundry for me or the kids..but she's done a bunch for my sister. I asked her not to let my puppy in the livingroom because he chews the carpet. She tells me that he is ok in there and puts him in there anyway....
I am so hurt. I feel so "neglected". Can't anything just be about me? Just ONCE can I have some damn attention and care????
Am I overreacting?
Is it too much to ask for some comfort food and some effing meds for my bowels??? I just want to bawl.
As you all know, mom wouldn't bring up anything to me at the hospital or come stay with me. My feelings were hurt by that, but I got over it.
The day I get home from the hospital- she decides that she wants to take my little sister (13) who she brought with her into town. I asked if she could take one of my daughters or maybe even two of them into town with her because they never really get to see my younger sister and they never get to spend time with grandma- plus it would lighten my load here at the house.
She said that my younger sister really just wanted some "mom" time and that no, she wouldn't be taking anyone with them. So she left and came back about 10:30 at night.
Before surgery I bought my younger sister an ice cream cake from DQ because it was her birthday. All I asked was that they save me a piece. Mom told me last night that she ate my piece and there was none left. It was a pretty expensive cake and it was oreo (my fav)....
Then all day yesterday, my younger sister was ill. She was throwing up and vomiting. Mom asked me to make my sister some tea, help change her blankets and to help take her temperature and what not. Ok--
My mom has been trying to talk my step-dad into a new car for a couple months now apparently. And my step-dad won't allow it right now because they are really low on money. So when mom came down here- she said her car broke down. She called my step-dad and said the only way she was going to get home is if the bank loaned her 5 grand and she bought something else. The bank told her no....So she called my grandma (my estranged g-ma ---not my super supportive g-ma). This woman has been pretty nasty to me my whole life. I really didn't want her at my house. But mom invited her anyway because mom was going to borrow 5 grand from her to buy her car. So g-ma stopped by yesterday. Mom asked me to show g-ma around my house-- (I'm kinda revcovering from a hysterectomy right now-but ok)--then g-ma and I actually started talking. We sat down at the table and I was telling her about school and my goals to go into alternative medicine. Mom interupts --says "grandma nancy can't be in here with Dee Dee being sick and all so I don't mean to interupt --but she shouldn't be here". This happens RIGHT when I start talking about me. So mom takes g-ma outside and talks to her for about 30 min.
Today- mom left me here with no supplies. I really need some milk of magnesia to help with some plumbing issues. She left with my little sister to go car shopping. I texted her and asked if she could bring me back a few things before they disappeared for the day.
She got mad at me and said well I have some meds in my big green box that should get you through the day. I also asked for some comfort food. I really wanted some ice cream and some green tea. She didn't like that at all.
Am I being overly sensitive? It feels like she is doing everything she can to put all the attention on the car shopping, my little sister, and her. Am I reading too much into this? I know my hormones are a little out of whack, but I mean..damn! I'm not asking for much! She hasn't cooked a single meal. She hasn't done any laundry for me or the kids..but she's done a bunch for my sister. I asked her not to let my puppy in the livingroom because he chews the carpet. She tells me that he is ok in there and puts him in there anyway....
I am so hurt. I feel so "neglected". Can't anything just be about me? Just ONCE can I have some damn attention and care????
Am I overreacting?
Is it too much to ask for some comfort food and some effing meds for my bowels??? I just want to bawl.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Honey, it is in no way too much to ask. But it sounds like it is too much to ask of her.
My mom is no prize either, and I've had to learn that the most I can expect of her is a card with a check in it twice a year. Lowering my expectations is the only thing that has allowed me to live (mostly) free of resentments when it comes to her.
You deserve someone who will actually help while you recover from surgery and try to stay on top of school. I'm so sorry your only option was someone who won't do that for you. Since she is only making your life more difficult and frustrating, can you ask her to leave? I know it doesn't help you get done the things you need to get done, but it does sound like her presence is doing you a lot more harm than it does good...
My mom is no prize either, and I've had to learn that the most I can expect of her is a card with a check in it twice a year. Lowering my expectations is the only thing that has allowed me to live (mostly) free of resentments when it comes to her.
You deserve someone who will actually help while you recover from surgery and try to stay on top of school. I'm so sorry your only option was someone who won't do that for you. Since she is only making your life more difficult and frustrating, can you ask her to leave? I know it doesn't help you get done the things you need to get done, but it does sound like her presence is doing you a lot more harm than it does good...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, it's pretty clear why you preferred not to have her come. She really sounds like a piece of work. So no, I get why you're upset and I would be, too, in your position.
That said, she will be gone soon. Try not to focus on each crappy thing that she's done. It sounds like she's behaving pretty much as you've come to expect. It's still better than having your husband there. In the long run, I mean. I know she's aggravating but it isn't dangerous for you the way having him there would be.
Hang in there, kiddo, sending hugs.
That said, she will be gone soon. Try not to focus on each crappy thing that she's done. It sounds like she's behaving pretty much as you've come to expect. It's still better than having your husband there. In the long run, I mean. I know she's aggravating but it isn't dangerous for you the way having him there would be.
Hang in there, kiddo, sending hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
I'm so sorry. I get your frustration and hurt. She may not be capable of being the kind of mother you have needed and wanted. That describes my father to a tee. I still don't know why he made a point to have good relationships with my siblings, but not me. He's gone now, so I just try not to dwell on it, instead do the kind things for myself that I had wanted from him.
When is she leaving? It sounds like you would be better off with her out of your house, then you can put the focus back on yourself and your kids. I think the saddest part is that your kids are being excluded from this time with their grandma. How are they to understand why grandma wants to spend all of her time with your sister, (who she already gets to spend a lot of time with), and not them?
I'm just so sorry. Sending you hugs and prayers.
When is she leaving? It sounds like you would be better off with her out of your house, then you can put the focus back on yourself and your kids. I think the saddest part is that your kids are being excluded from this time with their grandma. How are they to understand why grandma wants to spend all of her time with your sister, (who she already gets to spend a lot of time with), and not them?
I'm just so sorry. Sending you hugs and prayers.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. What a horrible person.
Honey, some people are so self absorbed that they cannot see past it, even in important times. She sounds just that way. She also sounds jealous of you a bit. How unhealthy.
I pray you get past this quickly. There are definitely more positive people out there.
Tight hugs and feel better my friend.
XXX
Honey, some people are so self absorbed that they cannot see past it, even in important times. She sounds just that way. She also sounds jealous of you a bit. How unhealthy.
I pray you get past this quickly. There are definitely more positive people out there.
Tight hugs and feel better my friend.
XXX
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I don't think you're being overly sensitive. Your mom seems to have a lot of control issues and frankly is being a selfish bitch.
It honestly seems like having her there is more work than being alone. Can you send her packing? Seriously, the stuff you're asking for is stuff that anyone would be able to help you with -- heck, if I was your coworker, I'd run some milk of magnesia and chicken soup and oreo ice cream cake over!!! ((((hugs))))
It honestly seems like having her there is more work than being alone. Can you send her packing? Seriously, the stuff you're asking for is stuff that anyone would be able to help you with -- heck, if I was your coworker, I'd run some milk of magnesia and chicken soup and oreo ice cream cake over!!! ((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile....To me, your mother sounds like a real "trip".
I guess you already knew this before she came...I remember you talking about it.
This is a bitter lesson....and I can sure relate. But, the biggest danger, for you, that I see, is the risk of channeling any more energy into the battle with her. You don't have the l uxury of getting sidelined by this. You are not going to "win" this battle--no matter how compelling your "case" against her is.
When in a losing battle...a good general will switch the objective to "cutting the loses"
You asked my opinion....I think your desires to cared and your requests have been reasonable, except for: 1. the cake--to petty. 2. You did not need to be studying the night after surgery.
Can you bid her goodbye as soon as you can get her out of the house?
dandylion
I guess you already knew this before she came...I remember you talking about it.
This is a bitter lesson....and I can sure relate. But, the biggest danger, for you, that I see, is the risk of channeling any more energy into the battle with her. You don't have the l uxury of getting sidelined by this. You are not going to "win" this battle--no matter how compelling your "case" against her is.
When in a losing battle...a good general will switch the objective to "cutting the loses"
You asked my opinion....I think your desires to cared and your requests have been reasonable, except for: 1. the cake--to petty. 2. You did not need to be studying the night after surgery.
Can you bid her goodbye as soon as you can get her out of the house?
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
Ugh...that is messed up! I'm sorry your Mom is not providing any real assistance. It does sound like you'd be better off without her there right now. I'm hoping she leaves soon and you can rest and heal on your own. You are being reasonable - she isn't. Take care of yourself!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I was going to have her take my daughter to a doctors appointment tomorrow and drive me to school, but I have changed my mind. I would just like her leave at this point.
So when she gets her new car- I will just tell her she can go.
I know I shouldn't focus on every bad thing she's done- but I can't find ONE good thing she's done. She's mean, hurtful, and everything I KNEW she would be.
I will never do this again. Lesson learned. NEVER again. This is officially the end of the line for me with my mother.
So when she gets her new car- I will just tell her she can go.
I know I shouldn't focus on every bad thing she's done- but I can't find ONE good thing she's done. She's mean, hurtful, and everything I KNEW she would be.
I will never do this again. Lesson learned. NEVER again. This is officially the end of the line for me with my mother.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
freetosmile....To me, your mother sounds like a real "trip".
I guess you already knew this before she came...I remember you talking about it.
This is a bitter lesson....and I can sure relate. But, the biggest danger, for you, that I see, is the risk of channeling any more energy into the battle with her. You don't have the l uxury of getting sidelined by this. You are not going to "win" this battle--no matter how compelling your "case" against her is.
When in a losing battle...a good general will switch the objective to "cutting the loses"
You asked my opinion....I think your desires to cared and your requests have been reasonable, except for: 1. the cake--to petty. 2. You did not need to be studying the night after surgery.
Can you bid her goodbye as soon as you can get her out of the house?
dandylion
I guess you already knew this before she came...I remember you talking about it.
This is a bitter lesson....and I can sure relate. But, the biggest danger, for you, that I see, is the risk of channeling any more energy into the battle with her. You don't have the l uxury of getting sidelined by this. You are not going to "win" this battle--no matter how compelling your "case" against her is.
When in a losing battle...a good general will switch the objective to "cutting the loses"
You asked my opinion....I think your desires to cared and your requests have been reasonable, except for: 1. the cake--to petty. 2. You did not need to be studying the night after surgery.
Can you bid her goodbye as soon as you can get her out of the house?
dandylion
No, I'm not putting more energy into this battle. I didn't from the start. I haven't said anything to her about my feelings.
I have been poliet, helpful with my sister and have stayed out of their way.
It's not really a battle. It never is with my mom. She does what she wants and the rest of us pick up the pieces.
And as far as studying goes-- I understand everyones stance on this issue- but it's not really her call. I'm 32 years old. If I want to read my text books in the hospital bed- it's my choice, ya know?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile...this is not a goal for today...the newest goal is to get her away from you (peacefully).
You may have to learn how to love her from a distance...with your expectations lowered to what is commensurate with her abilities to give and nurture (really low).
Total cut off can sometimes bring more damage due to the unresolved anger and resentment smoldering under the surface. This is material for therapy down the line, however.
(children of abusing parents still love their parent, down deep...or yearn for that love)
Ignore me, if I am saying too much...too soon.
(been there, done that).
dandylion
You may have to learn how to love her from a distance...with your expectations lowered to what is commensurate with her abilities to give and nurture (really low).
Total cut off can sometimes bring more damage due to the unresolved anger and resentment smoldering under the surface. This is material for therapy down the line, however.
(children of abusing parents still love their parent, down deep...or yearn for that love)
Ignore me, if I am saying too much...too soon.
(been there, done that).
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Dandy-
I've been pretty astranged from mom for a while now- sure I was always hopeful that she would learn how to be a mom to me and all that jazz- but my expectations have always been low for her.
I guess I should have went with my gut on this one too-- I should have never had her down. I didn't want her down in the first place.
I'm being pretty damn selfish right now. I'm feeling sorry for myself-- I'm cramping up a storm because my plumbing isn't working yet and it HURTS really bad. I stopped taking my pain pills because I want to get my intestines moving. So I'm off of those. My boobs are swollen and very painful...
I feel like I'm being a big baby. Mom said she didn't understand why I was acting like this because she said when she had her surgery she was up and bouncing around the next day.
AH wants to help and I have declined. Although it is very tempting to say yes I need the help right now because my feelings are hurt and I have a lot to catch up on since mom has not helped. i have no groceries for the kids, laundry is at an all time high, my teenagers are being very difficult, and I feel like I have done what everyone has told me to do: ask for help. I did ask for help and got a huge eye roll and attitude- so I'll just do myself.
So in a way- I'm ticked because I did what everyone said I should do and just ask for help. It has ended up being more trouble than it's worth and I'm far behind now. I still have my midterm tomorrow in A&P....I really can't drive yet. Doc says I shouldn't drive until I can confidently slam on the brake of the car without fear of "jarring" my insides. UGH
I've been pretty astranged from mom for a while now- sure I was always hopeful that she would learn how to be a mom to me and all that jazz- but my expectations have always been low for her.
I guess I should have went with my gut on this one too-- I should have never had her down. I didn't want her down in the first place.
I'm being pretty damn selfish right now. I'm feeling sorry for myself-- I'm cramping up a storm because my plumbing isn't working yet and it HURTS really bad. I stopped taking my pain pills because I want to get my intestines moving. So I'm off of those. My boobs are swollen and very painful...
I feel like I'm being a big baby. Mom said she didn't understand why I was acting like this because she said when she had her surgery she was up and bouncing around the next day.
AH wants to help and I have declined. Although it is very tempting to say yes I need the help right now because my feelings are hurt and I have a lot to catch up on since mom has not helped. i have no groceries for the kids, laundry is at an all time high, my teenagers are being very difficult, and I feel like I have done what everyone has told me to do: ask for help. I did ask for help and got a huge eye roll and attitude- so I'll just do myself.
So in a way- I'm ticked because I did what everyone said I should do and just ask for help. It has ended up being more trouble than it's worth and I'm far behind now. I still have my midterm tomorrow in A&P....I really can't drive yet. Doc says I shouldn't drive until I can confidently slam on the brake of the car without fear of "jarring" my insides. UGH
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Originally Posted by dandylion
freetosmile...I get it that it was your desire.
What I hear you "screaming, inside" to your mother is: "I am not a child. Nurture me".
dandylon
What I hear you "screaming, inside" to your mother is: "I am not a child. Nurture me".
dandylon
And not even really nurture me- but can you give me a hand? Can you be there for my kids? Can you help me to the bathroom? Can you call the nurse for me? Ya know the stuff that people are SUPPOSED to do when they say they are going to help you after surgery?
I understand a hysterectomy is a very common procedure and lots of women have them... but I'm only ever having just one and clearly I've never had one before (ha)---so it's a big deal to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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What I'm seeing here is that your Mom has zero trouble saying no to anything that doesn't suit her (call that boundaries if you like?)
And you do everything she asks.
As long as you are like that, there will be people who take advantage of you.
At work, in family, in community..... Wherever.
Are the advantage takers nice people? .... Not particularly, but you're being TOO nice.
Try saying no to her on a regular basis and when she fires up, as she will, just say "I'm not engaging in this" and walk away.
She's smart, she'll work it out (smart enough to manipulate everyone around her at least)
And you do everything she asks.
As long as you are like that, there will be people who take advantage of you.
At work, in family, in community..... Wherever.
Are the advantage takers nice people? .... Not particularly, but you're being TOO nice.
Try saying no to her on a regular basis and when she fires up, as she will, just say "I'm not engaging in this" and walk away.
She's smart, she'll work it out (smart enough to manipulate everyone around her at least)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
I will never do this again. Lesson learned. NEVER again. This is officially the end of the line for me with my mother.
This may be the motivation to build a local support network of people you can call for rides, picking things up, looking after your kids (if the need ever arises again) etc. A church that you attend, or your al-anon/recovery group, or even some of your classmates at college could offer support potential.
For myself, I have had people offer to do things for me. It's just a matter of taking them up on their offers. When people know that you have needs, you'll find a lot of folks step up to help, simply out of the kindness of their own hearts.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
free...I hear you one thousand percent on that...you needed care. You still do...for that matter. You TRULY are not getting what you need. That makes me want to cry, because I have been there, myself. I did cry...and I was angry...and, it hurt me deeply.
In reality..you are being neglected....Neglected by the very ones who should be the first to attend to you, right now.
I also understand your physical pain and limited abilities, right now. This **** is REAL!
And it makes exhaust our usual abilities to cope. It just does. You are being totally normal, as expected by anyone who has gone through major abdominal surgery.
Hon, I know you are doing the best you can. Do whatever you need to do.
I think you have been too good to too m any people for a long time. And, they are taking you for granted..big time.
After you get through this trial by fire...maybe free can make some changes in the relationships in your life...including, eye-rolling teenagers.
(Not until you are stronger).
For the BMs...if you have any concentrated sugars around...like, maybe some canned fruit and the sweet juice...that can give you some natural quick and gentle results. At least till you get some store bought laxative. Tons of fluids, also.
I'm on your side, free....
dandylion
In reality..you are being neglected....Neglected by the very ones who should be the first to attend to you, right now.
I also understand your physical pain and limited abilities, right now. This **** is REAL!
And it makes exhaust our usual abilities to cope. It just does. You are being totally normal, as expected by anyone who has gone through major abdominal surgery.
Hon, I know you are doing the best you can. Do whatever you need to do.
I think you have been too good to too m any people for a long time. And, they are taking you for granted..big time.
After you get through this trial by fire...maybe free can make some changes in the relationships in your life...including, eye-rolling teenagers.
(Not until you are stronger).
For the BMs...if you have any concentrated sugars around...like, maybe some canned fruit and the sweet juice...that can give you some natural quick and gentle results. At least till you get some store bought laxative. Tons of fluids, also.
I'm on your side, free....
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Wow, Free. I am so sorry. I can relate all too well. I never wanted my mother to come to "help" even when I had my babies because she was always like having another pouty child to entertain. She didn't really want to come either, but insisted on it, so it "looked good to others." I remember when my eldest child was born, he was so big that he sprained my tailbone when he was born. I had to sit on a doughnut to be comfortable. She insisted that we not be cooped up in the house (read: she was bored) and insisted we shop and go out to eat. I was young and oh so very codependent, so I did the shopping and dining out, with a doughnut and a newborn. Sick, sick, sick.
I could go on and on with selfish mom stories, but reality is, that is who my mom is, too. I am so sad that we share the same pain. I am sending healing, loving thoughts and prayers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I could go on and on with selfish mom stories, but reality is, that is who my mom is, too. I am so sad that we share the same pain. I am sending healing, loving thoughts and prayers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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