Butterfly

I realised today that yes I am really hurt by what has happened, his actions and how he has behaved but underneath it all is anger and today its bubbling!!!!

He has treated me and my kids so poorly, walking out without a backward glance, care or worry except for himself. He has left me to deal with everything, my own feelings aswell as the kids, Ive been left to pick up the pieces while he does what he wants, drinks when he wants and nothing and no one will come between his drinking. Im running about like a headless chicken making sure the kids are ok, yes 16 & 20 but still deeply affected, hurt and angry by his actions. they may be older but DS is still at school and there is so much to do with him. Im running myself ragged and hes what relaxing, drinking, partying like a bloody 20 year old with no responsibilities.

Hes losing weight so he will feel good about himself - seriously that will help him feel good about himself some weight loss not fixing things with his kids, not getting sober or saving is marriage. well if thats all it takes for him to feel good, selfish inconsiderate ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He is burying his head refusing to acknowledge the damage he has caused, he has manipulated me for many years, since i first met him, yet Im beating myself up about what I did or didnt do, was I good enough, If only I had done this or didnt respond this way. I have turned myself inside out blaming myself and hes doing what ignoring and refusing to deal with anything. I know its good to look within ourselves and I have been but today i feel enough blame is enough,

Im sure there is more i am angry about but I honestly cant verbalise it I just feel angry today and I know I sound like Im angry that I have all the responsibility and maybe I am I love my kids dearly but Im exhausted and fed up with his selfish behaviour

redatlanta

Anger....good sign IMO. Divorce is like going through a death - grief then anger. On the way to resolution.

Hawkeye13

I've been mad about how he has treated you and your kids since you first started posting Butterfly. . .

My father walked away too to drink three weeks after I was born and left my mom to do everything.
It didn't work out to well for us, so I guess I've found your AH's "serial" walking away somewhat triggering
but there is plenty to actually be angry about isn't there?

Like red says, grief then anger heading for healing.

Let it out and let it go as you can.
Hugs

Butterfly

thanks red and hawkeye, yes there is plenty to be angry about and its all bubbling I feel like I am about to explode!! i have felt periods of anger before where i actually thought it was going to consume me and I would become an angry, bitter resentful person, i didnt know why i was angry, although i feel like I may explode I feel controled, my thoughts are controlled, I know why Im angry and Im sure there is more to come as my thinking becomes clearer.


Today I am thinking you know what B you were too good for him and too him it was him who wasnt good enough, he could be the husband you deserve a father the kids deserve.

Im sorry about your dad walking out and that my posts triggered you, thank you for continuing to offer support Im sure it wasnt easy.

redatlanta

Today I am thinking you know what B you were too good for him and too him it was him who wasnt good enough,

Ding Ding Ding!!!!!!!!

Yes.

Butterfly

lol red

Hawkeye13

Thank you Butterfly for sharing your story.
The triggering has been good because it really has helped me see my mom's perspective
with much more compassion.

That's helped me to forgive and heal, so I am grateful for the chance to reframe.

Forgiveness and healing, after fully feeling and releasing the anger is the key Butterfly.
Don't be afraid to feel anger--we codies keep stuff bottled up that we need to release.
You won't lose control, you'll lose the toxic feelings.

This would be a good time to go to the sea and yell and cry like crazy. . .

Butterfly

it would be the perfect time as its blowing a gale outside but im stuck in work

Katchie

Hugs girl..I'm dealing with anger too. Lets use it to keep moving us forward!!

hopeful4

Babe, this is a healthy thing. Anger is a part of grief. It's knowing how to handle it, that's the trick. You are doing great!

XXX

FireSprite

GOOD FOR YOU! Appropriate anger can be like jet fuel for your recovery - use it's energy to move forward. I'm so glad you're starting to see movement, emotionally!!

lillamy

Anger can be a powerful motivator. Stay pissed off!

Butterfly

Even his comment the other night about leaving coz he loves me so much he didn't want me to watch him drink himself to death.....OMG manipulation!!! I'm doing this for you aren't I wonderful no your not your doing this so you can drink unrestricted so u don't want me to see but it's ok for our kids and I to know and our kids to see you drinking!!!!

The only person he is thinking about is himself!!!!!!!

Timeiskey

Oh Butterfly, I can relate. I think back to when I first met my exabf. I have kicked myself over and over for my actions. Then, I will have a flash of something he did or said and I can see it now from a different place and I can SEE the manipulation and lies. It still rings my bell from time to time. It hurts and it pisses me off. I have been walking through one of our first encounters when we were sitting on his porch- having a few drinks (surprise, surprise). Since we were just getting to know each other, I explained that although it was fun to have a porch hang late at night on a Wednesday (or whatever day it was)- that this wasn't my usual routine. I had just moved to town and was a few weeks off from starting my new job, so I had time to unwind and have a few. He said "oh yeah, this is the mountain top- no one stays here, you just visit from time to time when you have the time, yeah, this isn't usual..." So, I took him at his word. But when work started and I was ready to settle into a normal functioning life that didn't include all that drinking, guess what? He stayed right there on that "mountain top". To me, that was a bold face lie, because that WAS his usual routine. He was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear so he could get what he wanted from me. So that he could manipulate me into believing he was something that he really wasn't and then when I came to realize the truth, all the sudden he was no longer that charming fella and I was to blame... He said he thought I was the "one" the "one that could live day to day with him without the pressures of all the traditional worries and responsibilities"...but when I look back, I never gave him reason to think that and it was all just manipulation...ugh, it makes me feel ridiculous and dirty in ways. But, I have to say that at this point, I am so thankful for the experience. I have learned so much about myself and how I have interacted with others. It has been incredibly painful, but sometimes the best way to better is through the worst pain. Keep going Butterfly! Get angry, get sad, feel your emotions and own them. You are doing great!

Butterfly

Thanks everyone, I'm trying to hold onto the anger although it's not too difficult to hold onto.

I did start to feel sorry for him earlier it's DS birthday tomorrow and he won't be here to celebrate it, then I thought why should I feel sorry for him it's his choice to not be involved in family life, so I am celebrating the way we have always done, I'm putting up the banners and balloons, cooking his favourite meal and spending time together as a family. I'm sure it will be hard for DS his first birthday without his dad but I will make it as best as I can for him

(((((Hugs)))))) timeiskey alcohol really does destroy everything in its path.

Duckygirl1

Today I am thinking you know what B you were too good for him and too him it was him who wasnt good enough,


Daaaaaaaaaaaaam right girl!!!!!! Hey, I'm all for the anger as a tool! I still get pissed after 6 months of (cue the violins) "I need to work on me" sanctimonious ass hat! You're stronger than you think, we all are. We just forget. (((((Hugs))))