They aren't offering "help" that I want to accept. They are agreeing with AH.
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Location: Kentucky
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They aren't offering "help" that I want to accept. They are agreeing with AH.
So.
I just got a message from my brother.
He basically said that after conferring with my other brother and SIL, my mom, my 84yo recently widowed grandmother and AH (!) that they believe the best step is me stepping away from the toxic situation I am in.
I think I posted some time back about my AH's "brilliant" idea that the answer was for me to leave here and take a bus and go live with my grandmother 11 hours away in the small town I grew up in.
My history in this town is awful & traumatic. I couldn't wait to leave and on my 16th birthday I went to our courthouse and filed for & was granted emancipation papers. I then went home and moved out and left that town.
The town holds nothing but awful memories and people I don't ever care to see again. My childhood & preteen/teen years were not happy and were traumatic.
I had to travel back to this place in November for my grandfathers funeral. I hated every minute of it. I had constant horrible anxiety the 4 days I was there. I was highly uncomfortable.
Part of it had to do with my family stuff (my ACOA rearing it's head) and part had to do with my history of being severely bullied for as long as I can remember due to my facial deformity.
So, they are in agreement that I should leave my kids (three of my four bio daughters live in the area) and my beloved dogs and take a bus and go live in NY with my recently widowed grandmother in a place I never wanted to return to, a place I get anxiety and probably PTSD feelings from just thinking about.
Alternatively they said I could go live with my brother & SIL and their family in NJ or this brothers family in Indianapolis.
Or they said to go to the DV shelter in the city near me.
My brother said he has secured a commitment about my 17yo and my dogs that they will be fine and I don't need to worry about them.
Meaning: my AH convinced him that all would be A-OK.
Okay. I am NOT okay with this.
I am NOT okay with leaving my 17yo daughter with an unreliable, flaky alcoholic. I am NOT okay with leaving her during her senior year of high school.
I am NOT okay with leaving the area of where my other children are and living 11 hours away from them all.
This may sound dumb to most of you, but I am a HUGE animal lover and I am
NOT okay with leaving my dogs. I am a huge dog lover and these animals are the only things that have given me unconditional love, we are very bonded and they are like children to me.
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING? HAVEN'T I GIVEN UP ENOUGH? HAVENT I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?
So no, they aren't going to help me get my car fixed and they basically sided with AH and are telling me to do what he has told me to do.
This isn't fair.
I am really feeling betrayed.
Im sitting here in front of AH and trying so hard not to breakdown and cry. I feel like vomiting. I think Im going to go take my last Xanax that I've been saving for an emergency. I'm shaking so much I can barely type.
I just got a message from my brother.
He basically said that after conferring with my other brother and SIL, my mom, my 84yo recently widowed grandmother and AH (!) that they believe the best step is me stepping away from the toxic situation I am in.
I think I posted some time back about my AH's "brilliant" idea that the answer was for me to leave here and take a bus and go live with my grandmother 11 hours away in the small town I grew up in.
My history in this town is awful & traumatic. I couldn't wait to leave and on my 16th birthday I went to our courthouse and filed for & was granted emancipation papers. I then went home and moved out and left that town.
The town holds nothing but awful memories and people I don't ever care to see again. My childhood & preteen/teen years were not happy and were traumatic.
I had to travel back to this place in November for my grandfathers funeral. I hated every minute of it. I had constant horrible anxiety the 4 days I was there. I was highly uncomfortable.
Part of it had to do with my family stuff (my ACOA rearing it's head) and part had to do with my history of being severely bullied for as long as I can remember due to my facial deformity.
So, they are in agreement that I should leave my kids (three of my four bio daughters live in the area) and my beloved dogs and take a bus and go live in NY with my recently widowed grandmother in a place I never wanted to return to, a place I get anxiety and probably PTSD feelings from just thinking about.
Alternatively they said I could go live with my brother & SIL and their family in NJ or this brothers family in Indianapolis.
Or they said to go to the DV shelter in the city near me.
My brother said he has secured a commitment about my 17yo and my dogs that they will be fine and I don't need to worry about them.
Meaning: my AH convinced him that all would be A-OK.
Okay. I am NOT okay with this.
I am NOT okay with leaving my 17yo daughter with an unreliable, flaky alcoholic. I am NOT okay with leaving her during her senior year of high school.
I am NOT okay with leaving the area of where my other children are and living 11 hours away from them all.
This may sound dumb to most of you, but I am a HUGE animal lover and I am
NOT okay with leaving my dogs. I am a huge dog lover and these animals are the only things that have given me unconditional love, we are very bonded and they are like children to me.
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING? HAVEN'T I GIVEN UP ENOUGH? HAVENT I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?
So no, they aren't going to help me get my car fixed and they basically sided with AH and are telling me to do what he has told me to do.
This isn't fair.
I am really feeling betrayed.
Im sitting here in front of AH and trying so hard not to breakdown and cry. I feel like vomiting. I think Im going to go take my last Xanax that I've been saving for an emergency. I'm shaking so much I can barely type.
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Location: Kentucky
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No wonder AH was out of character this morning, he knew how it would all go down, and how I'd feel. I so don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset, but this is a tiny house.
I just can't believe this. I really can't. It's like being victimized all over again, me having to lose everything.
And after talking to AH, they are slightly insinuating that I am the problem, I'm sure he put on his Good Guy act and
let them have it about me and everything that is supposedly about me. (blaming me)
They have tons of money, they could have at least went in and got my car fixed for me (maybe $200-500 split between them) and I could take things from there.
I've never asked them for anything.
I would do it for them.
I have no one else to turn to, there are no good options that I feel I can live with.
My head is spinning I feel like I am gong to pass out.
I really thought my family would pull through for me even though we're not super close.
I am all alone with all of this now.
I just can't believe this. I really can't. It's like being victimized all over again, me having to lose everything.
And after talking to AH, they are slightly insinuating that I am the problem, I'm sure he put on his Good Guy act and
let them have it about me and everything that is supposedly about me. (blaming me)
They have tons of money, they could have at least went in and got my car fixed for me (maybe $200-500 split between them) and I could take things from there.
I've never asked them for anything.
I would do it for them.
I have no one else to turn to, there are no good options that I feel I can live with.
My head is spinning I feel like I am gong to pass out.
I really thought my family would pull through for me even though we're not super close.
I am all alone with all of this now.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
It sounds like they are focused on finding you a safe place to live ASAP. I know it's not the help you wanted, but we can say at least that it was no small thing for both of your brothers to welcome you into their homes.
What do YOU want, Pink? It sounds like you are focused on fixing the car. What would you do once it's fixed? Where would you want to live? Maybe if you identify a goal then you can start figuring out how to work toward it. Time to summon up the energy of that plucky 16yo who got herself emancipated. You could call a divorce lawyer for a free consultation, make it to church next week, call about your loans, call the social services Chicory suggested, call the DV shelter and see if they shelter animals. You could take your dogs to the shelter, right, isn't it on a farm? If you don't want the help your brothers are offering, then it sounds like you're going to have to help yourself.
Did they explicitly say they won't help fix the car, even if you choose to move to the shelter?
What do YOU want, Pink? It sounds like you are focused on fixing the car. What would you do once it's fixed? Where would you want to live? Maybe if you identify a goal then you can start figuring out how to work toward it. Time to summon up the energy of that plucky 16yo who got herself emancipated. You could call a divorce lawyer for a free consultation, make it to church next week, call about your loans, call the social services Chicory suggested, call the DV shelter and see if they shelter animals. You could take your dogs to the shelter, right, isn't it on a farm? If you don't want the help your brothers are offering, then it sounds like you're going to have to help yourself.
Did they explicitly say they won't help fix the car, even if you choose to move to the shelter?
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pink...wow. I can absolutely understand why you feel so upset be this development. The idea of them making "plans" for you behind your back as if you aren't a competent person is very insulting, in my opinion. Sort of treating you as if you are a minor child who doesn't get a vote...
Pink....I know that you must feel gutted, right now. I think it is important for you to take a whole night...at least, to get your bearings back. Don't jump to any impulsive action, or words, until you have had a chance to think and calm down inside.
You can deal with this and you are going to come through this ok in the end.
We will take this one step at a time. We have got your back.
dandylion
Pink....I know that you must feel gutted, right now. I think it is important for you to take a whole night...at least, to get your bearings back. Don't jump to any impulsive action, or words, until you have had a chance to think and calm down inside.
You can deal with this and you are going to come through this ok in the end.
We will take this one step at a time. We have got your back.
dandylion
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Originally Posted by jjj111 
It sounds like they are focused on finding you a safe place to live ASAP. I know it's not the help you wanted, but we can say at least that it was no small thing for both of your brothers to welcome you into their homes.
What do YOU want, Pink? It sounds like you are focused on fixing the car. What would you do once it's fixed? Where would you want to live? Maybe if you identify a goal then you can start figuring out how to work toward it. Time to summon up the energy of that plucky 16yo who got herself emancipated. You could call a divorce lawyer for a free consultation, make it to church next week, call about your loans, call the social services Chicory suggested, call the DV shelter and see if they shelter animals. You could take your dogs to the shelter, right, isn't it on a farm? If you don't want the help your brothers are offering, then it sounds like you're going to have to help yourself.
Did they explicitly say they won't help fix the car, even if you choose to move to the shelter?
What do YOU want, Pink? It sounds like you are focused on fixing the car. What would you do once it's fixed? Where would you want to live? Maybe if you identify a goal then you can start figuring out how to work toward it. Time to summon up the energy of that plucky 16yo who got herself emancipated. You could call a divorce lawyer for a free consultation, make it to church next week, call about your loans, call the social services Chicory suggested, call the DV shelter and see if they shelter animals. You could take your dogs to the shelter, right, isn't it on a farm? If you don't want the help your brothers are offering, then it sounds like you're going to have to help yourself.
Did they explicitly say they won't help fix the car, even if you choose to move to the shelter?
My Indianapolis brother has a large house, but hid wife is very snooty and has never been friendly or welcoming to me, she doesn't like me and I don't know why, its been years too. When we do see each other it's very uncomfortable although I try to act like things are great and normal between us and act friendly towards her.
The shelter in the other city does shelter animals but they are full. I check on this past Wednesday. Plus my dogs are totally up to date on their shot and vet visits since everything fell apart and that's a requirement they have in accepting pets.
But the most pressing, important issue is that I refuse to leave my 17yo daughter with an unreliable, unsafe, active alcoholic.
I can't believe anyone would think that would be a good idea.
Also, I would miss her prom and graduation and the other senior activites.
AH would not go to these things. He has never wanted to be involved in her school activities. She had a play that she was the stage manager for and he refused to go see it cause he wanted to go have a drink or two. It really hurt her.
The car being fixed would be my start to freedom, I could then get a job or two and start working towards a deposit and rent for a place to live....
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I think this is all so complicated that there is no real fixing it without me losing what I hold dear, what matters most to me.
I guess I shouldn't have thought that people who have had good, almost charmed lives to even begin to understand all of this and the complexities.
They think they have the answers, they think they know better than me.
I'm a freaking psych nurse! I have ALLLLL of the codependency, al-anon, alcoholism books and have read/studied them all for years. I could probably give a seminar or two.
What do they know? They don't. Period.
This will forever change my relationships with my family.
I wish I could post the texts that my brother sent me, very condescending like I know nothing.
I guess I shouldn't have thought that people who have had good, almost charmed lives to even begin to understand all of this and the complexities.
They think they have the answers, they think they know better than me.
I'm a freaking psych nurse! I have ALLLLL of the codependency, al-anon, alcoholism books and have read/studied them all for years. I could probably give a seminar or two.
What do they know? They don't. Period.
This will forever change my relationships with my family.
I wish I could post the texts that my brother sent me, very condescending like I know nothing.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
pink,
What you need to do, if you think about it, is simple.
You need to make a decision about what is best for you. You need to step up and speak for yourself. You can do this. And when you make that decision, you need to be mindful that because life is often brutally unfair, you are not going to get everything you want. That's just how it goes sometimes.
Personally, when I look at the situation with your AH, I believe your daughter's senior year in high school and your dogs take a back seat to your well being. Why? Because you have been the victim of sustained emotional and psychological abuse. Your current situation is untenable. I do not foresee you successfully riding out your daughter's senior year without you paying a significant price to your emotional and mental well being.
What sort of price are you willing to pay to free yourself from this situation? That is the question you have to ultimately answer, pink.
What you need to do, if you think about it, is simple.
You need to make a decision about what is best for you. You need to step up and speak for yourself. You can do this. And when you make that decision, you need to be mindful that because life is often brutally unfair, you are not going to get everything you want. That's just how it goes sometimes.
Personally, when I look at the situation with your AH, I believe your daughter's senior year in high school and your dogs take a back seat to your well being. Why? Because you have been the victim of sustained emotional and psychological abuse. Your current situation is untenable. I do not foresee you successfully riding out your daughter's senior year without you paying a significant price to your emotional and mental well being.
What sort of price are you willing to pay to free yourself from this situation? That is the question you have to ultimately answer, pink.
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Originally Posted by zoso77
pink,
What you need to do, if you think about it, is simple.
You need to make a decision about what is best for you. You need to step up and speak for yourself. You can do this. And when you make that decision, you need to be mindful that because life is often brutally unfair, you are not going to get everything you want. That's just how it goes sometimes.
Personally, when I look at the situation with your AH, I believe your daughter's senior year in high school and your dogs take a back seat to your well being. Why? Because you have been the victim of sustained emotional and psychological abuse. Your current situation is untenable. I do not foresee you successfully riding out your daughter's senior year without you paying a significant price to your emotional and mental well being.
What sort of price are you willing to pay to free yourself from this situation? That is the question you have to ultimately answer, pink.
What you need to do, if you think about it, is simple.
You need to make a decision about what is best for you. You need to step up and speak for yourself. You can do this. And when you make that decision, you need to be mindful that because life is often brutally unfair, you are not going to get everything you want. That's just how it goes sometimes.
Personally, when I look at the situation with your AH, I believe your daughter's senior year in high school and your dogs take a back seat to your well being. Why? Because you have been the victim of sustained emotional and psychological abuse. Your current situation is untenable. I do not foresee you successfully riding out your daughter's senior year without you paying a significant price to your emotional and mental well being.
What sort of price are you willing to pay to free yourself from this situation? That is the question you have to ultimately answer, pink.
It is extremely important to me that I be here for and let my daughter finish her senior year. The last three months is where everything fun happens for them! I know my daughter, she will feel abandoned by me, as she already does her father.
So I guess that's more important to me than what I have to put up with for 12 more weeks.
It is brutally unfair but dammit, I want to fight for the two things that are most important to me and my happiness.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Then there's your focus. Your daughter and your dogs. You know you won't get out for at least 12 more weeks for your daughter's sake (btw... Where is she going in 12 weeks?) What is your plan for your dogs? And I don't take that lightly my dogs are MY WORLD.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Well, if that's your decision, then that's that.
Do what you must during the next 12 weeks to have some semblance of balance.
Should things get worse, however, please assure us you will revisit this.
Do what you must during the next 12 weeks to have some semblance of balance.
Should things get worse, however, please assure us you will revisit this.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm so sorry they wouldn't provide you with the assistance you asked for. It is much easier for them to pay to fix a car than it is to do what they suggested. I feel you ah totally orchestrated that knowing you would not accept those options. (((Hug))) Your ah freaks me out more than most. I'm really worried for you after graduation. can help you plan for some contingencies like how to get a stash of groceries, exact steps to take in various emergencies, etc. you are so vulnerable where you are. Hopefully the DV people can help with that as well as getting plans in place to put into motion after graduation. You are strong. You are, and smart and deserving of better. Please remember that if things get very bad you *and your daughter* are strong enough to survive a move if needed.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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if possible, don't let a bunch of people who aren't seeing the whole picture bring you down that far!!! this will be but one mini-chapter of the book of your story.
I can relate to the feeling of having your family not back you up! it feels so bad.When things got dangerous with my AM and I had NO ONE to help me, I finally reached out to all family and family friends with an email explaining how bad things had gotten, saying 'I can't do it on my own any more... I need one or more of you to please step up and help me' and they responded by
-"It can't be that bad... why don't you get a job?" When I was spending 50+hrs/wk taking care of her
-straight up amusement/mockery that I was making such a big deal of things
-no response from 'let me know if there's anything i can do' people
-and the best, one person forwarded my email TO my AM, and sh*t hit the fan. things got pretty bad after that.
a lot of the time, people don't want to know and are in denial about how bad things are and/or they've already made up their mind about YOU and your abilities to assess a situation and/or they're already the kind of person who 'knows what's best'. suuuuuuper frustrating and i'm REALLY SORRY you're dealing with that - all the times my family refused to show and the times my friends didn't know how to help just left me feeling more and more isolated and rejected.
I can relate to the feeling of having your family not back you up! it feels so bad.When things got dangerous with my AM and I had NO ONE to help me, I finally reached out to all family and family friends with an email explaining how bad things had gotten, saying 'I can't do it on my own any more... I need one or more of you to please step up and help me' and they responded by
-"It can't be that bad... why don't you get a job?" When I was spending 50+hrs/wk taking care of her
-straight up amusement/mockery that I was making such a big deal of things
-no response from 'let me know if there's anything i can do' people
-and the best, one person forwarded my email TO my AM, and sh*t hit the fan. things got pretty bad after that.
a lot of the time, people don't want to know and are in denial about how bad things are and/or they've already made up their mind about YOU and your abilities to assess a situation and/or they're already the kind of person who 'knows what's best'. suuuuuuper frustrating and i'm REALLY SORRY you're dealing with that - all the times my family refused to show and the times my friends didn't know how to help just left me feeling more and more isolated and rejected.
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Pink,
I stayed in a very terrible situation for my (step) daughter and my dogs, who were my world. In the end, my daughter went with her dad ($$) anyway and I eventually had to give up my 2 fur babies. Very, very painful and traumatic.
My father has a lot of money and refused to help me too. I literally had no food either. Everybody was promising me it would be ok yet had no idea! They wouldn't help me at all. They kept telling me to stand on my own 2 feet but I could barely stand at all.
I had lost my husband, my daughter, my dogs, my home and everything I loved dearly in less then a year. For a long time, I stayed a victim! My own thinking kept me stuck as a victim. Yes, I lost everything and it has been very painful!! BUT, I am making it to the other side one day at a time.
I am in the process of selling what little I have left to drive across country for the unknown. It is scary but I choose to look at this as my journey, my adventure!! I trust God with all my heart so I know I will be OK.
I truly understand how you feel. If you are going to stay for your daughter, then keep making plans. You can't give up. Don't let addiction and abuse win.
I often think about how my journey will go. I am determined to be a survivor and have an awesome testimony to share someday.
Have you called any churches or any alanon groups yet? Please keep reaching out! I know how hard it is. I have a few friends that could have helped me out easily but they wouldn't. One even stated she wouldn't enable me!! Really? Enable me??
I had been so good to people over my life and yet not one of those people were any where around when I needed them. Life is very unfair but God promises to always provide us with what we need. Today I have all that I need. I have cereal, milk, a warm apt, a bed and thankfully a smashed up IPAD and wifi. I have my sanity and I have my freedom. I am paying a price for all that but I know it will be worth it.
I have to remind myself a lot........my biggest problem right now in life is ME!! I need to keep working on me and stay out of the victim thinking because it really made things worse.
I stayed in a very terrible situation for my (step) daughter and my dogs, who were my world. In the end, my daughter went with her dad ($$) anyway and I eventually had to give up my 2 fur babies. Very, very painful and traumatic.
My father has a lot of money and refused to help me too. I literally had no food either. Everybody was promising me it would be ok yet had no idea! They wouldn't help me at all. They kept telling me to stand on my own 2 feet but I could barely stand at all.
I had lost my husband, my daughter, my dogs, my home and everything I loved dearly in less then a year. For a long time, I stayed a victim! My own thinking kept me stuck as a victim. Yes, I lost everything and it has been very painful!! BUT, I am making it to the other side one day at a time.
I am in the process of selling what little I have left to drive across country for the unknown. It is scary but I choose to look at this as my journey, my adventure!! I trust God with all my heart so I know I will be OK.
I truly understand how you feel. If you are going to stay for your daughter, then keep making plans. You can't give up. Don't let addiction and abuse win.
I often think about how my journey will go. I am determined to be a survivor and have an awesome testimony to share someday.
Have you called any churches or any alanon groups yet? Please keep reaching out! I know how hard it is. I have a few friends that could have helped me out easily but they wouldn't. One even stated she wouldn't enable me!! Really? Enable me??
I had been so good to people over my life and yet not one of those people were any where around when I needed them. Life is very unfair but God promises to always provide us with what we need. Today I have all that I need. I have cereal, milk, a warm apt, a bed and thankfully a smashed up IPAD and wifi. I have my sanity and I have my freedom. I am paying a price for all that but I know it will be worth it.
I have to remind myself a lot........my biggest problem right now in life is ME!! I need to keep working on me and stay out of the victim thinking because it really made things worse.
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Pink... I can't sleep and am thinking of you. When my first husband (A) told me he was leaving me I fell apart and had those same thoughts. I was in the den wailing and hugging ony two big dogs. Somehow I ended up on the suicide hotline (I don't even remember how I could have made the call) and all I remember is how they gave me setting to live for and I told them it was my dogs (I don't have children). I hope you can find se support and hope and a plan soon, Pink. We care.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Checking in on you, Pink. Please take care of yourself. Things can change so quickly...you may find you feel at least a little better in as short as a day or two. Your daughter and your dogs love and need you. Just know a lot of us out here care about you.
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