seek

In one of my other threads, someone's response inspired me to write about the issue of the alcoholic/addict "being on their own journey." As a spiritual help to myself, I have been telling myself that "Everyone is on their own spiritual path." I have also heard people in meeting speak about the "alcoholics or addicts journey."

But none of us live in a vacuum. It IS their spiritual and life journey, but it also affects other people.

I remember as a very young child deciding not to do stuff because I did not want my actions to have a negative impact on other people. Of course, over my life, I have done many things (unconscious mainly) that have hurt other people - but I have always tried not to if I could possibly help it.

I understand that the alcoholic/addict is sick and/or in the habit of making bad choices and they do not consider the effects of their actions on others. That does not seem to be on their radar or not a priority, anyway.

So getting back to "their journey" - it is not isolated, it is not done in a vacuum - it has impacts on others - It does help me to think "they are on their own spiritual path" in terms of their self-destruction and my feelings about it (just theoretically really - emotionally, it still hurts) . . .

Any thoughts on this issue?

AliWProk

Exactly why it can be so frustrating! But this is a control issue - you can't recover for them, and they can't recover for you. You can only control yourself. That's why letting go is essential for most people's sanity. Also, because anything you have to say to them is at best ignored and at worst turned against you.

My neighbor's decision not to install window treatments has affected me - oh my GOD - but I can't just run over there and say "You HAVE to install window treatments or I'll lose it trying to scourge the image of your fuzzy buttt from my mind." That's MY problem, not his.

irisgardens

I struggle with issues of abandonment and fear of rejection from my childhood (ACA issues that come up every time I go through a rough spot with any member of family)...over the past 12 years and through some intense work...I now know that a lot of my behaviors get driven by that coming up again and again and again...married to an alcoholic and all my children either drink or use drugs...and none will or has ever been willing to consider recovery work except me...

I know that I have a hard time letting go of hurts when they happen...and I also deny those hurts and blame myself for them...these are also unhealthy behaviors am working on...it leads to controlling behavior...

Thank you, seek, for using language that resonates deeply within...they do have heir own journey and I have needed (in the past several months) to take some steps to be a bit more self protective as I want to move forward towards more health and ability to experience happiness and joy again.

seek

AliWProk - I disagree that it is a "control issue." It is a boundary issue. I said nothing about asking the alcoholic/addict to change to suit me (as your metaphor would suggest). I simply said that their choices DO impact me. That is just a fact and a problem for me. The ball is now in my court (boundary) - what CAN I do to mitigate the damage of THEIR poor choices on my reality?

It is not a simple problem.

Here's a metaphor that works for me. I am all dressed up, walking down the street with my dog, minding my own business. It is a very nice, sunny day, after a refreshing spring rain. I only have a few minutes to enjoy my walk. All of a sudden, a truck (driven by a drunk driver, but that is a moot point), comes barreling down the street, jumps the curb and just misses me - but doesn't miss the huge muddy puddle. My dog and I are shaking from the near miss of the truck crashing into us - and now we are both covered in mud. I have to go home and change my clothes, wash the dirty clothes, wash the dog . . . we are shaking and now I am angry and my day is taken up with the effects of this incident.

This is not a serious incident, and we will both recover - but it is an example of how other people can impact us, negatively and there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. In this example, we weren't devastated emotionally - we will not stay up all night worrying about it - we will not likely suffer a stomach ache thinking about it (both things that do happen with relationships with alcoholics/addicts).

I think it says a lot that the collateral damage that alcoholics/addicts inflict on their family members is considered so incidental. And because they are under the influence when they do the things they do, there is no real recognition of the damage. I was repeatedly told recently "I was drunk for three weeks, why would you expect me to know about what happened to 'x'" (in this case, lots of stuff that was lost that other people purchased - it's like it is not even important to them - and that was just about stuff - what about all of the emotional damage?

ArtFriend

The ball IS in your court and only YOU can mitigate the damage. How? Only YOU can answer that. The damage that you have suffered is highly personal and no one can tell you how to mitigate it. I could list all of these ideas, like letting go, reframing, etc. but in the end only you know what works for you.

Al-Anon is my suggestion for you. Take it or leave it.