Newcomer - Confused on next step living with HighFunctioning Alcoholic
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Newcomer - Confused on next step living with HighFunctioning Alcoholic
My Husband is a high functioning alcoholic, was sober for 3.5 years. Over last 6 months has struggled again, hiding his drinking. Last week, drove with one of our 4 children (12 yrs old) and wrecked the truck (everyone was safe and not injured). (Which I had told him in the past was a deal breaker with his disease. If he was home drunk, we lived our daily life around him. Ignoring him I would say to make it simple). Anyway he got towed, because of snow, didn't get questioned about accident and was allowed to come home with me. Since then, he says he is done with drinking again but won't seek help. Doesn't want to talk about it with me or anyone. Life goes on as usual in his eyes. I am torn on what to do next. Mad that he really had no consequence of his actions, even got a new truck to replace the wrecked one. Can anyone relate? Because he is not drunk everyday, all the time, I live on edge wondering when the next time will come or when will he put one of our kids life or others lives at risk again. I try to just live my life with the 4 kids without having him responsible for much and if he wants to participate he does. But it gets soooooo exhausting! Does it ever get easier!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Because he was under the influence. The roads were clear by then but cars remained on shoulders and ditches that tow trucks were towing to allow road plows clear roads/shoulders. He had been lost with her for 1.5 hours driving back from a sports practice that is 20 minutes away. He could drive the route sober in his sleep. When he wrecked he was only 2 miles from the house and didn't know where he was.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Welcome to SR, 4wildcatkids. I'm so glad no one was hurt when your A drove drunk w/your child in the car. You say you "told him in the past that this was a deal breaker w/his disease." Can you clarify what that means? Did you tell him you would take a specific action if he drove drunk w/a child or children in the vehicle?
If so, then what you should do next is exactly what you told him you would do. If you don't follow thru, then he learns that you don't mean what you say.
If you said you'd take an action that now you find you're not prepared to take in reality, you'll find a lot of good info here on how to set boundaries (which are different than rules). Here's a start, from the stickied threads at the top of the page:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
This is another good thread, also from the stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you can take some time to read in the forums. I think you'll see similar problems in many of the stories. You are definitely not alone, and we have people here with a lot of experience, strength and hope to offer. I hope you start to see your way clear soon.
Also, 4WCK, let me mention this: "High functioning" is not a type of alcoholic, it's a stage. Given time, he will get worse. A lot worse. You may want to start thinking about how you'll handle things when--not if--that time comes.
If so, then what you should do next is exactly what you told him you would do. If you don't follow thru, then he learns that you don't mean what you say.
If you said you'd take an action that now you find you're not prepared to take in reality, you'll find a lot of good info here on how to set boundaries (which are different than rules). Here's a start, from the stickied threads at the top of the page:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
This is another good thread, also from the stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you can take some time to read in the forums. I think you'll see similar problems in many of the stories. You are definitely not alone, and we have people here with a lot of experience, strength and hope to offer. I hope you start to see your way clear soon.
Also, 4WCK, let me mention this: "High functioning" is not a type of alcoholic, it's a stage. Given time, he will get worse. A lot worse. You may want to start thinking about how you'll handle things when--not if--that time comes.
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Thank you for the setting boundaries thread. It is very helpful in realizing how I set my boundary and need too in the future. I realized my boundary I set was one that I was not willing to act upon completely. I can take a lot away from the thread to help us communicate better.
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Originally Posted by 4wildcatkids 
Thank you for the setting boundaries thread. It is very helpful in realizing how I set my boundary and need to in the future. I realized my boundary I set was one that I was not willing to act upon completely. I can take a lot away from the thread to help us communicate better.
I'm glad you found some use in that thread. Stick around; there's a lot of support and education to be had here.
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Location: W Washington
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driving drunk with a child in the car is NOT high functioning, mid functioning or anything but reckless, stupid and a disaster waiting to happen. thank god no one was hurt.....the alternatives are almost unthinkable.
almost because now is the time to assure that NEVER happens again. that he NEVER has a child in the car, drunk or sober, unless and until he has a long length of unbroken committed sobriety under his belt.
as long as he's drinking, it WILL get worse. he will get worse and living with a drunk in the home will become unbearable, for you and the children. kids shouldn't have to live with active addiction. its detrimental to their well being, their emotional growth. HOME should be a SAFE place. a sanctuary. not a bar.
i'm glad you are here....there is a lot to learn!!
almost because now is the time to assure that NEVER happens again. that he NEVER has a child in the car, drunk or sober, unless and until he has a long length of unbroken committed sobriety under his belt.
as long as he's drinking, it WILL get worse. he will get worse and living with a drunk in the home will become unbearable, for you and the children. kids shouldn't have to live with active addiction. its detrimental to their well being, their emotional growth. HOME should be a SAFE place. a sanctuary. not a bar.
i'm glad you are here....there is a lot to learn!!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
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serious issue here that needs to be addressed ASAP
Originally Posted by 4wildcatkids
Since then, he says he is done with drinking again but won't seek help. Doesn't want to talk about it with me or anyone.
But if not, we have a very serious issue here that needs to be addressed ASAP.
If alcoholic, there are only a very few that will actually quit entirely on their own.
You may ask of him, "can you stop for good ?"
If the answer is yes, time will tell.
If the answer is no or I will control it better next time -- back to the serious issue that needs to be addressed ASAP.
MM
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Thanks everyone. I will continue to read the threads and can tell I will benefit from support I read and get on the forums.
For more background. 4 years ago he hit bottom, did outpatient therapy all day, daily for a month, therapy after that for two months and stayed on track for 3.5 years. No AA. He just refuses! I was and am very proud of him for his 3.5 years! I really don't drink but maybe once or twice a year at a special events. So we kept all alcohol out of the house but still socialized with friends that we had before. He then started to question if the sober life was what he wanted to lead (without sharing that with me) and started hiding his drinking again. A few weeks ago we talked about his drinking and he assured me he really wants to lead a sober life and could manage it again like he had the 3.5 years. The outcome showed it is not manageable. The boundary I set was he wouldn't drive with the kids in the car. But with 4 kids in activities, no family around, and utilizing friends (thank god for the help), I guess I gave in. I know many people do this solo...So this week after the wreck, he had to drive one daughter to a NDH event while I drove the other daughter out of town to a tournament. So broke the boundary. If they would just be honest life would be so much easier!
For more background. 4 years ago he hit bottom, did outpatient therapy all day, daily for a month, therapy after that for two months and stayed on track for 3.5 years. No AA. He just refuses! I was and am very proud of him for his 3.5 years! I really don't drink but maybe once or twice a year at a special events. So we kept all alcohol out of the house but still socialized with friends that we had before. He then started to question if the sober life was what he wanted to lead (without sharing that with me) and started hiding his drinking again. A few weeks ago we talked about his drinking and he assured me he really wants to lead a sober life and could manage it again like he had the 3.5 years. The outcome showed it is not manageable. The boundary I set was he wouldn't drive with the kids in the car. But with 4 kids in activities, no family around, and utilizing friends (thank god for the help), I guess I gave in. I know many people do this solo...So this week after the wreck, he had to drive one daughter to a NDH event while I drove the other daughter out of town to a tournament. So broke the boundary. If they would just be honest life would be so much easier!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
driving drunk with a child in the car is NOT high functioning, mid functioning or anything but reckless, stupid and a disaster waiting to happen. thank god no one was hurt.....the alternatives are almost unthinkable.
almost because now is the time to assure that NEVER happens again. that he NEVER has a child in the car, drunk or sober, unless and until he has a long length of unbroken committed sobriety under his belt.
as long as he's drinking, it WILL get worse. he will get worse and living with a drunk in the home will become unbearable, for you and the children. kids shouldn't have to live with active addiction. its detrimental to their well being, their emotional growth. HOME should be a SAFE place. a sanctuary. not a bar.
i'm glad you are here....there is a lot to learn!!
almost because now is the time to assure that NEVER happens again. that he NEVER has a child in the car, drunk or sober, unless and until he has a long length of unbroken committed sobriety under his belt.
as long as he's drinking, it WILL get worse. he will get worse and living with a drunk in the home will become unbearable, for you and the children. kids shouldn't have to live with active addiction. its detrimental to their well being, their emotional growth. HOME should be a SAFE place. a sanctuary. not a bar.
i'm glad you are here....there is a lot to learn!!
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If they could be honest, they wouldn't still be drinking.
This IS going to get worse before it gets better. Your children's safety is at risk. In my state, driving drunk with a child in the car probably would have gotten him prison time.
Your "boundary" seems to be not driving the kids in the car unless you can't figure out any other transportation for school events. Do you see how this makes you complicit in any future incidents? You know he can't be relied on not to drive with them drunk. Suppose you were a single parent (which, to some extent, you are). You would have to figure something else out, or the kids might have to give up some of their activities or miss an occasional school event.
This IS going to get worse before it gets better. Your children's safety is at risk. In my state, driving drunk with a child in the car probably would have gotten him prison time.
Your "boundary" seems to be not driving the kids in the car unless you can't figure out any other transportation for school events. Do you see how this makes you complicit in any future incidents? You know he can't be relied on not to drive with them drunk. Suppose you were a single parent (which, to some extent, you are). You would have to figure something else out, or the kids might have to give up some of their activities or miss an occasional school event.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. It is sooo hard.
The drunk driving is a sticking point for me. A year ago, I woke up to the fact that my husband's drunk driving was out of control. And I could simply not live with myself if his drunk driving ever caused harm to any living thing. He drove drunk with our two youngest in the car on many occasions. My kids were afraid "to tell on Dad". And I recall a few instances of him being drunk while the whole family was in the car and I made him pull over so I could drive.
It wasn't always clear to me whether he was/is drunk or not. And I didn't like putting my kids in the position of having to determine if Dad was sober or not. That shouldn't be their job.
So we did have to just decide that he would *never* drive our kids anywhere. Until he can prove to us that he is sober. This has been a little over a year now, and I drive my kids *everywhere* they need to go. It's hard at times, and means I'm out the door super early many days per week, then still out picking up late in the evening. I console myself with the thought that I am doing my very best for my kids. I'll be able to catch upon my own sleep later. Right now, keeping my kids safe is of upmost importance to me.
Take good care of yourself and your kids!
Sending hugs
The drunk driving is a sticking point for me. A year ago, I woke up to the fact that my husband's drunk driving was out of control. And I could simply not live with myself if his drunk driving ever caused harm to any living thing. He drove drunk with our two youngest in the car on many occasions. My kids were afraid "to tell on Dad". And I recall a few instances of him being drunk while the whole family was in the car and I made him pull over so I could drive.
It wasn't always clear to me whether he was/is drunk or not. And I didn't like putting my kids in the position of having to determine if Dad was sober or not. That shouldn't be their job.
So we did have to just decide that he would *never* drive our kids anywhere. Until he can prove to us that he is sober. This has been a little over a year now, and I drive my kids *everywhere* they need to go. It's hard at times, and means I'm out the door super early many days per week, then still out picking up late in the evening. I console myself with the thought that I am doing my very best for my kids. I'll be able to catch upon my own sleep later. Right now, keeping my kids safe is of upmost importance to me.
Take good care of yourself and your kids!
Sending hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by LexieCat
This IS going to get worse before it gets better. Your children's safety is at risk. In my state, driving drunk with a child in the car probably would have gotten him prison time.
Your "boundary" seems to be not driving the kids in the car unless you can't figure out any other transportation for school events. Do you see how this makes you complicit in any future incidents? You know he can't be relied on not to drive with them drunk. Suppose you were a single parent (which, to some extent, you are). You would have to figure something else out, or the kids might have to give up some of their activities or miss an occasional school event.
Peace,
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4WCK- Welcome to SR. I am so glad that you have reached out for help. This is the best place to learn about living with an active A. First off....
"I try to just live my life with the 4 kids without having him responsible for much and if he wants to participate he does. But it gets soooooo exhausting!"
This is your marriage? Then you add driving drunk and lying to you, not communicating regarding his drinking. It sounds like its pretty rough. I am not criticizing what you are doing, because I did it for 34 years. I protected myself and my kids. I was mom and dad. I just survived.
I wish I had had SR many many years ago, to comprehend that "when" he wants to participate in your families life, is really sad. I take full responsibility of letting my XAH do that, as I was protecting my kids. But you are not really protecting
your kids by letting him not be responsible. (that is called enabling him) I am not trying to be mean. I just want to show you how he is partaking in your family life, he really isnt.
If you can, try and hit an alanon meeting, or an open AA meeting. Not sure the age of your kids but they might try and Alateen meeting. You all need to get educated about the disease of alcoholism. Its a horrible disease and it steals our love ones away from us.
(((((((((((hugs my friend, and keep coming back)))))))))))
"I try to just live my life with the 4 kids without having him responsible for much and if he wants to participate he does. But it gets soooooo exhausting!"
This is your marriage? Then you add driving drunk and lying to you, not communicating regarding his drinking. It sounds like its pretty rough. I am not criticizing what you are doing, because I did it for 34 years. I protected myself and my kids. I was mom and dad. I just survived.
I wish I had had SR many many years ago, to comprehend that "when" he wants to participate in your families life, is really sad. I take full responsibility of letting my XAH do that, as I was protecting my kids. But you are not really protecting
your kids by letting him not be responsible. (that is called enabling him) I am not trying to be mean. I just want to show you how he is partaking in your family life, he really isnt.
If you can, try and hit an alanon meeting, or an open AA meeting. Not sure the age of your kids but they might try and Alateen meeting. You all need to get educated about the disease of alcoholism. Its a horrible disease and it steals our love ones away from us.
(((((((((((hugs my friend, and keep coming back)))))))))))
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
4wildcatkids, what a difficult situation you are in, and as other have said a dangerous one for you and your children given what has happened which is very real and thankfully did not end in a far worse way which it could have.
I agree with what others have said you must now decide and follow through on a suitable boundary relating to the kids and driving, for their safety. I know that will involve working out logistics and that could be a little difficult but rather that than risk the same or worse happening again.
I am really sorry to hear that your AH was sober for a good period but has relapsed, maybe he won't do AA but has he looked into other help and support groups? He knows he can be sober and if he wishes for his life to be that of sobriety, which he has seen it can be, then he has to now make that decision again and get the help he needs. Your decision is whether right now he is a person that you and your children can live around, and how you will proceed for your and your children's physical and mental well being.
The part where you say he is a binge drinker and you live on the edge- I can really sympathise with. My axbf wasn't a 'daily drinker' but the sheer anxiety of not knowing when the next binge could happen was physically and mentally overwhelming. Like other have said, unfortunately it doesn't get easier- unless he makes the choice to fully commit to his sobriety again, it will in fact get harder.
I'm so sorry for your situation, please keep posting and learning and I hope you find the strength and clarity to decide what is best for you and your children. Hugs.
I agree with what others have said you must now decide and follow through on a suitable boundary relating to the kids and driving, for their safety. I know that will involve working out logistics and that could be a little difficult but rather that than risk the same or worse happening again.
I am really sorry to hear that your AH was sober for a good period but has relapsed, maybe he won't do AA but has he looked into other help and support groups? He knows he can be sober and if he wishes for his life to be that of sobriety, which he has seen it can be, then he has to now make that decision again and get the help he needs. Your decision is whether right now he is a person that you and your children can live around, and how you will proceed for your and your children's physical and mental well being.
The part where you say he is a binge drinker and you live on the edge- I can really sympathise with. My axbf wasn't a 'daily drinker' but the sheer anxiety of not knowing when the next binge could happen was physically and mentally overwhelming. Like other have said, unfortunately it doesn't get easier- unless he makes the choice to fully commit to his sobriety again, it will in fact get harder.
I'm so sorry for your situation, please keep posting and learning and I hope you find the strength and clarity to decide what is best for you and your children. Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 42
He will progress and it will get worse without proper treatment. My husband did not start drinking until I was pregnant with our twins. My oldest two got to have a daddy that loved them dearly until they were 3 and then after 8 years of not drinking he was never responsible again. He became my 5th child -- an immature teenager that was extremely tiresome until he completed his transformation into a compete monster that was crude and vile. I loved the guy I married but I hated what the addiction did to him. My guy went crazy and died last year.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
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Hi4wck, welcome to SR and I'm glad you have reached out for help. I totally understand the anxiety and fear relating to a binge drinker my ex AH is a binge drinker who quit many times before deciding he could control it, he also drove drunk regularly! He walked out a year ago to drink, he didn't want the sober lifestyle either.
I am so sorry for what you are going through but everyone is right drink driving is dangerous and if he choses that for himself that's his choice but for him to chose that for your kids is selfish and irresponsible and is putting their lives at risk. I know enforcing boundaries is hard I failed so many times or give in but when it comes to your kids the boundaries need to be enforced. His addiction will progress if he doesn't seek help.
Keep coming back for support. ((((((Hugs)))))
I am so sorry for what you are going through but everyone is right drink driving is dangerous and if he choses that for himself that's his choice but for him to chose that for your kids is selfish and irresponsible and is putting their lives at risk. I know enforcing boundaries is hard I failed so many times or give in but when it comes to your kids the boundaries need to be enforced. His addiction will progress if he doesn't seek help.
Keep coming back for support. ((((((Hugs)))))
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Location: maine
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He endangered your child's life by driving her around drunk.
Totally unacceptable. I don't know how you'd ever trust him again.
My father was a functional alcoholic for many years.
One evening he had an accident that resulted in a fatality. Insurance only helps so much. How much are you insured for? My parents spent many thousands on a defense attorney for the criminal trial. Then there was a civil suit. The victim's family asked for $750,000. At that point, no attorney would represent them. Not their criminal attorney. Not anyone from the insurance company. NO ONE. If you're not O.J. Simpson with mega-bucks, no one is jumping in to represent someone who will be broke at the end of the trial.
You might want to see of your state recognizes legal separation and how that might protect you. IANAL, but if I remember correctly, you can't be forced to give up your primary residence, or a pension. Almost everything else is fair game. Please, please, if your spouse still drinks and drives, attend to this.
Totally unacceptable. I don't know how you'd ever trust him again.
My father was a functional alcoholic for many years.
One evening he had an accident that resulted in a fatality. Insurance only helps so much. How much are you insured for? My parents spent many thousands on a defense attorney for the criminal trial. Then there was a civil suit. The victim's family asked for $750,000. At that point, no attorney would represent them. Not their criminal attorney. Not anyone from the insurance company. NO ONE. If you're not O.J. Simpson with mega-bucks, no one is jumping in to represent someone who will be broke at the end of the trial.
You might want to see of your state recognizes legal separation and how that might protect you. IANAL, but if I remember correctly, you can't be forced to give up your primary residence, or a pension. Almost everything else is fair game. Please, please, if your spouse still drinks and drives, attend to this.
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FYI - Nothing is more exhausting than and active alcoholic.
I'm real sorry you made that boundary and then decided not to enforce it. You've not only lost the battle you have lost the war. Endangering your child should be THE LINE, well...in this case the worst, absolute worst thing he could have done he did and he got away with it. No DUI, still has a wife, still has his family and he got a new car.
Beautiful.
I'm not pointing fingers at you because many of us have set boundaries and not enforced them myself included. I hope you stay around here and read and educate - also have you attended Al Anon? It will help you.
I might go out and cut the steering wheel off that shiny new car, but hey that's me. I don't have kids I do have cats. If RAH ever harmed them when he was drinking, or put them in danger he'd see just how vicious this redhead can be. I guess your AH lucked out that you don't have the same temperament.
I'm real sorry you made that boundary and then decided not to enforce it. You've not only lost the battle you have lost the war. Endangering your child should be THE LINE, well...in this case the worst, absolute worst thing he could have done he did and he got away with it. No DUI, still has a wife, still has his family and he got a new car.
Beautiful.
I'm not pointing fingers at you because many of us have set boundaries and not enforced them myself included. I hope you stay around here and read and educate - also have you attended Al Anon? It will help you.
I might go out and cut the steering wheel off that shiny new car, but hey that's me. I don't have kids I do have cats. If RAH ever harmed them when he was drinking, or put them in danger he'd see just how vicious this redhead can be. I guess your AH lucked out that you don't have the same temperament.
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