Lightbulb moment........I think
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Lightbulb moment........I think
I'm not very good yet at trusting my own judgements or thoughts but I went to my 2nd alanon meeting yesterday and after the meeting we were talking about blame and how the A blamed us for their drinking. I thought mine never blamed me for his drinking. Then I thought about it and thought no not directly but he his favourite line was im Not doing anything wrong or I drink so much because I don't know when I can have another drink, storming off when we argued saying I'm sick of this.
I remember once telling him my counsellor had told me that my reaction to his drinking was normal and he said basically he was wrong. Another time when he was saying he didn't like the people he drank with really but would stop seeing them when he wanted to because if I stop because you want me to you will think I did it for you and not because I want to and you wouldn't want to think I had done it for you!!! I can't remember them all.
I think he may not have been directly blaming me but making me think my reaction was wrong to his drinking and the issue was with me not his drinking, he didn't want to acknowledge how his drinking affected me.
I also think that maybe the day he came home from an all night bender saying I can't do this anymore that he was leaving was to divert me from his all night bender and he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences.
I don't know as I said I don't trust my thinking
I remember once telling him my counsellor had told me that my reaction to his drinking was normal and he said basically he was wrong. Another time when he was saying he didn't like the people he drank with really but would stop seeing them when he wanted to because if I stop because you want me to you will think I did it for you and not because I want to and you wouldn't want to think I had done it for you!!! I can't remember them all.
I think he may not have been directly blaming me but making me think my reaction was wrong to his drinking and the issue was with me not his drinking, he didn't want to acknowledge how his drinking affected me.
I also think that maybe the day he came home from an all night bender saying I can't do this anymore that he was leaving was to divert me from his all night bender and he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences.
I don't know as I said I don't trust my thinking
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
I totally get that about the denial of how drinking affects us. My mum does the same thing. I try and explain how it's made it harder to get things done/cope, and she says it's an excuse and Im not taking personal responsibility for my actions like she is when she says she knows she's killing herself with drinking.
She's also said that counsellors dont use terms like codependency and enabling anymore. So what I say about those issues is apparently invalid.
She's also tried to call my counsellor crazy, and my support group a cult.
The advice I get has been from multiple professionals and friends, and it has been consistent across the board.
Their drinking affects us whether they deny it or not. Our feelings are valid.
She's also said that counsellors dont use terms like codependency and enabling anymore. So what I say about those issues is apparently invalid.
She's also tried to call my counsellor crazy, and my support group a cult.
The advice I get has been from multiple professionals and friends, and it has been consistent across the board.
Their drinking affects us whether they deny it or not. Our feelings are valid.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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Originally Posted by Butterfly 
I think he may not have been directly blaming me but making me think my reaction was wrong to his drinking and the issue was with me not his drinking, he didn't want to acknowledge how his drinking affected me.
Keep having these lightbulb moments, Butterfly, and we can solve the world's energy problems.
This is fantastic!
((((((( hugs ))))))))
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
Our thinking gets so muddled, doesn't it? I am so glad for you that you are now able to unravel all of these lies and see them for what they are, lies.
My AH had me jumping through hoops, trying to "fix" things so he wouldn't "need" to drink. Even now, several months after realizing my own error in acceptance of his lies, I do catch myself when the blame begins again. And I have to correct my own thinking. It helps to have other people to point out the truth.
You're making good progress!
My AH had me jumping through hoops, trying to "fix" things so he wouldn't "need" to drink. Even now, several months after realizing my own error in acceptance of his lies, I do catch myself when the blame begins again. And I have to correct my own thinking. It helps to have other people to point out the truth.
You're making good progress!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you, Butterfly.
Now don't get all upset if you get up tomorrow and you have lost the thread of this line of thought. It's a complicated business and I know that some days I feel like I have something figured out and the next day it is eluding me again. It gets clearer and more consistent with time.
Keep it up with those meetings!!
Now don't get all upset if you get up tomorrow and you have lost the thread of this line of thought. It's a complicated business and I know that some days I feel like I have something figured out and the next day it is eluding me again. It gets clearer and more consistent with time.
Keep it up with those meetings!!
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Thanks Lexie you know me so well lol.
I'm starting to understand that I will have days where I'm feeling positive and days where I feel like I'm falling apart, I wish there was middle ground!!
I'm starting to understand that I will have days where I'm feeling positive and days where I feel like I'm falling apart, I wish there was middle ground!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Butterfly
Thanks Lexie you know me so well lol.
I'm starting to understand that I will have days where I'm feeling positive and days where I feel like I'm falling apart, I wish there was middle ground!!
I'm starting to understand that I will have days where I'm feeling positive and days where I feel like I'm falling apart, I wish there was middle ground!!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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I had my finger pointed at my wife
"you'd drink too if you had a wife like mine"
Nagging, crying, screaming, anger, rage, manipulation, ultimatums, control, more screaming, anger and rage.
My solution to the pain she gave me (thinking that her behaviour would change me or get through to me) was to drink more.
The al anon approach is to stop throwing petrol on the fire.
That way, the alcoholic is forced to look at themselves.
No one to blame but themselves.
"you'd drink too if you had a wife like mine"
Nagging, crying, screaming, anger, rage, manipulation, ultimatums, control, more screaming, anger and rage.
My solution to the pain she gave me (thinking that her behaviour would change me or get through to me) was to drink more.
The al anon approach is to stop throwing petrol on the fire.
That way, the alcoholic is forced to look at themselves.
No one to blame but themselves.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
In Al-Anon the focus is ALL on you, and not the alcoholic. It's to help people recover from the effects of living with alcoholism in a friend or family member, whether you're with the alcoholic or not and regardless of whether the alcoholic is still drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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Originally Posted by Butterfly
But I'm not with my A any more so will alanon help me move forward with my life or keep the focus on addiction??
Addiction played a very real part in your life. It did for all of us. Alanon helps us learn how to understand the part it played without giving it to much emphasis.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,416
I don't do Alanon, so can't address that, but it seems clear you have
been working on many things which existed even before you married from childhood.
The things addressed in Alanon are about you, not the A, and in that sense
it may be totally appropriate right now.
Just connecting face to face with people who understand what you are going through
has great value and is cathartic to your releasing pent-up emotions.
So my feeling is whatever therapy / protocol is helpful I would use.
Your daughter isn't in a position to know what's best for you, or even
what Alanon is about since she has rejected it--I believe I'm bringing this
in from another thread not this one--is that correct?
If so, she's done a good job undermining your confidence in it, however, when you've
suggested she get support which she doesn't seem to want at this time.
Her right to choose of course.
However, from where I sit, her questioning your choice of therapy is a tactic your AH might have used---
she may not realize she's doing it, but boy it looks like she's getting you off center
so you'll get off her back about getting help.
Just an outside observation--I may be way off so if so please let it go.
been working on many things which existed even before you married from childhood.
The things addressed in Alanon are about you, not the A, and in that sense
it may be totally appropriate right now.
Just connecting face to face with people who understand what you are going through
has great value and is cathartic to your releasing pent-up emotions.
So my feeling is whatever therapy / protocol is helpful I would use.
Your daughter isn't in a position to know what's best for you, or even
what Alanon is about since she has rejected it--I believe I'm bringing this
in from another thread not this one--is that correct?
If so, she's done a good job undermining your confidence in it, however, when you've
suggested she get support which she doesn't seem to want at this time.
Her right to choose of course.
However, from where I sit, her questioning your choice of therapy is a tactic your AH might have used---
she may not realize she's doing it, but boy it looks like she's getting you off center
so you'll get off her back about getting help.
Just an outside observation--I may be way off so if so please let it go.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I love my meetings but was a bit worried that it would keep me focused on him. I suppose as I've only been to 2 it will be about my story and my life with ex A.
yesterday it was a big meeting and it was about personal growth and hearing others stories of how they have grown and continue to do so was inspiring. Apparently after 6 meetings I will know whether alanon is for me or not, I think I already know it is, I don't know what I was so afraid of before going and I think a meeting opening up close to where I live but not in the area I work in was a sign for me to go.
With the exception of my counselling. This is also the first thing I have made time and energy for, before I made excuses to not do things even with friends. oh I have to collect my son from school, or the gym or sort dinner. DS has been told he can get the bus home from the gym on a Saturday lol.
yesterday it was a big meeting and it was about personal growth and hearing others stories of how they have grown and continue to do so was inspiring. Apparently after 6 meetings I will know whether alanon is for me or not, I think I already know it is, I don't know what I was so afraid of before going and I think a meeting opening up close to where I live but not in the area I work in was a sign for me to go.
With the exception of my counselling. This is also the first thing I have made time and energy for, before I made excuses to not do things even with friends. oh I have to collect my son from school, or the gym or sort dinner. DS has been told he can get the bus home from the gym on a Saturday lol.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Hawkeye your right she did say it would keep me attached to AH and that got me thinking I explained my understanding of it and she just rolled her eyes, but I still went to my 2nd meeting. It is her right to chose whether she wants support or not and I will not mention it again to her, outside support that is.
I'm hoping and was said in another thread of mine that she will see that seeking support is a good thing and hopefully she will see changes in me in the future to see its working.
I'm hoping and was said in another thread of mine that she will see that seeking support is a good thing and hopefully she will see changes in me in the future to see its working.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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There are two general types of al anon meeting.
Issues and tissues (go along, tell everyone what the A is up to, everyone goes "Oh that's terrible" you have a cry and get consoled and go back next week and rinse and repeat)....... Not Much recovery or steps.
Then you have the literature based meetings, program, steps, sponsorship etc..........lots of recovery.
The first is easy, keep the focus on the A and never have to look at yourself
Second is harder, scarier etc, but that's recovery.
Issues and tissues (go along, tell everyone what the A is up to, everyone goes "Oh that's terrible" you have a cry and get consoled and go back next week and rinse and repeat)....... Not Much recovery or steps.
Then you have the literature based meetings, program, steps, sponsorship etc..........lots of recovery.
The first is easy, keep the focus on the A and never have to look at yourself
Second is harder, scarier etc, but that's recovery.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Hawks I definitely think my meeting is more the 2nd, there is lots of readings from the alanon books, others talk about their sponsors and step work
Guess I'm on the harder and scarier road lol
Guess I'm on the harder and scarier road lol
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