amy55

Don't really know where to begin. I got up early today, and the snow already started. I like snow, because it makes things look so beautiful, I hate snow, because I have to shovel it. So for today, just going to appreciate the beauty of the snow, with my wood stove going, and hot chocolate, and movies.

I've been reflecting today on the past. I know it's still early in the morning, but I've been up for awhile. I've been on this forum for awhile. I guess most of you know me. I was in an abusive relationship, and sometimes I thought the only way out of that was the nearest telephone pole. I would be driving and think is this the pole that I hit today? That was way back in 1998.

I didn't like my life, I wanted out. I didn't know what abuse was, I just knew I didn't want to go home anymore, but I had to. I had to go home after work, I had to cook, and clean, and take care of the kids. So I would go home. I love my kids. So I would go home, took care of everything that I needed to do, made sure the kids were happy, and got them off to bed. Then the raging would start. I spent most of my nights in the garage with the car locked so I could sleep.

I worked for the government, and got an early out at the age of 43. I was so depressed at this time, thought it was my job. Now I'm at home without the luxury of leaving to go to work. I was diagnosed with 2 cancers that year. I hoped they would kill me, since I wasn't successful in driving my car into a pole. It didn't. I'm still here.

The abuse got worse and worse, I wasn't able to think anymore. I thought of dying everyday. I prayed for that relief.

I wasn't living anymore, I was surviving from day to day, and hating it.

I did get out of there with the help of friends who gave me their house to live in, then I bought my own house.

I was isolating myself here. I was afraid to live. Didn't want to meet people, just didn't want to hurt anymore. I was afraid that people = more hurt.

This week for I don't know what reason, I decided I needed to meet people. I'm joining some groups thru meet up. So far just a walking group, and a monthly dinner group. Hoping to join a gardening group.

I think I'm ready.

I would have liked to have posted to a link to youtube for this song, but I don't know how to do that.

"Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

have a good day, I might have to go out and shovel soon.

Thinking of all of you

amy

redatlanta

Yay! Great on the meet up groups and wanting to get out!!!

You can keep the snow up there (please). We had nearly two weeks of threat of snow including a winter storm warning last week. I saw 3 flakes. No school, businesses closed. Only good thing is traffic was better. We don't do snow well down here in the South, even if its just 3 flakes.

dandylion

Amy...great idea on the socializing.

We humans are social creatures....

dandylion

chicory

Sounds like you are healing Amy... we usually do, in our own time, if we continue to do the things good for us.

I look forward to hearing about your new ventures

I am jealous of your woodstove, hot chocolate and movies today, and watching the beautiful snow. well, I have everything but the woodstove.. but I love them!

hugs,
chic

amy55

Ok, so I saw my backyard deer going out for the day today. They'll be back about 6. I remember walking in the woods once when it was snowing. It was so calm and peaceful. Guess the trees were blocking the wind. It was just beautiful. Watching the birds right now. For some reason in the country, you don't have sparrows, you have chicadees. Going to throw some bread out for them.

On movie # 3 today, and oh, people in Georgia should not drive in the snow !!!

Anyone have any good suggestions for a movie on Amazon Prime, or netflix, that I can watch today?

dandylion

The Wolf of Wall Street
August--Osage County
Nebraska
The Opostle
Trees Lounge

dandylion

dandylion

Amy....there is a beauty and rythm in nature that seems to connect to our primitive soul.
Having been raised, in my early years, in the woods in the deep mountains--far away from other people...my first memories are of the natural environment. The tranquility and beauty of the forest and fields...and the companionship of the animals that inhabited the land.
It is funny..it never, ever, felt alone...

dandylion

Katchie

Amy...you sound beautiful today...hugs!

I'm a sap so my favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice with Kiera Knightley. I love the sweet innocent romance, beautiful music, and scenery.

Maybe I'll watch again too in front of my fireplace..lol

Eauchiche

My solitude has been a part of my healing. I think there is a difference between solitude and isolation. I needed the alone time to sort out what I want in relationships.

I have learned that drinking buddies, and at a time further back in my life, sex buddies present one with false intimacy. I believe the lonely male culture in America is in part because of rampant addictions.

We human beings need to connect on more levels than just physical. I like surrounding myself now with interesting people who have interesting lives. This can be through Church, AlAnon, whatever.

airwick

I don't know how to post links either

I feel a sense of relief when I see the "Blue" type and I just "Click"

I am then magically talken away lol

SeriousKarma

Amy, I can't wait to hear how all of your ventures go. I've been kind of curious about those meet ups myself. Either way, it's wonderful to see you embracing life. You're such an amazing person.

A few other things:

I mentioned Stevie Nicks in a post a few weeks ago. I had heard the song Silver Springs. That triggered a dream, which triggered a crying jag that lasted about a week. In the end it was all good. Cleansing. I guess if they make a movie about us they'll have to use Fleetwood Mac in the soundtrack.

I'm beginning to think people in Georgia just shouldn't drive! I've been here a few years now. Snow or no snow, these are some tail gatin' lovin' people. That combined with snow/ice...... not a good mix. (Sorry Red.)

Butterfly

So proud of you amy ((((((tight hugs))))))

amy55

OK, SeriousKarma, might have to send you a bill to fix my computer after I laughed out my hot chocolate !!!!!!! Wish I knew how to do that quote thing, but hey dinosaurs don't like to do new tricks.

Wrote down all movie suggestions, did see Nebraska, it was a terrific movie, think I would still have to pay for August - Osage County. Going to check on the rest.

For now though, going to watch something that I shared with my son. The Ryan White Story. Parts of it was actually filmed right down the street from me. I remember my son really didn't like his English teacher, and they had to write a book report, and then write their own feelings about the book. He came home and asked me about this, said most of the guys were going to write about sport people. I asked him if his teacher was male or female? He told me female. I suggested this book.

Needless to say, this was the best book report this teacher ever got, and his after discussion on it about discrimination just tore at that teachers heart.

So going to watch this now.

be back later.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

gettingstronger

Amy, don't be hard on yourself for isolating. You were instinctively protecting yourself. When you've been hurting for so long, even tiny hurts that normal people don't give a thought to, feel so terribly painful to us.

And now you are well enough to venture out more. Enjoy those groups!

aasharon90

You have soooo much strength, courage
and now wisdom to share and offer help
to others going thru similar struggles as
you.

You are a woman of INSPIRATION..!!!