All hopes gone...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
All hopes gone...
Yep, me again. Hello family. Well, AH came back from rehab last Thursday. I picked him up from the airport. It was beautiful and emotional. I felt like I met him again, for the first time. He was that man I fell in love with. He was back. Yesterday he disappeared for several hours after he was done with IOP. I felt it. I knew. Something lifted me from my chair (I was at home) and I drove to his job. He was not there. I waited. He came. I went to the car and there it was a cup of ****. ****. Who caries **** with them in a cup???? It had a date and a signature. He stole **** from IOP. Jesus. I called and asked him to come out of his job. He came out. His eyes were full of heroin. He was gone. A man that spent a beautiful week with me, who was an amazing father, great partner, lover, friend. He was gone. I turned around and left. I put him out. He is on the street. Called, begged to come back, gave million of excuses. I am not taking it, not this time. He begged, said he will OD and die, threatened, begged more. No more.
He came at night, took all his valuables, I closed the door. And that's it. I am holding strong, questioning myself of course, but deep down i know that i did the right thing. If I let him back, he will be getting high again tomorrow. It is painful to know that this man could not stay sober for a week. Not even a week. And he didn't just relapse, he planned it, stole his ****, so that if I question him he will pee for me. Who does this?
I am in this horrible pain, but it will get better, right? I will one day get over this pain and move on? Maybe he will get better and go back to rehab? Maybe he won't die? Am I crazy to think and hope? Please pray for me, I am hardly holding on.
He came at night, took all his valuables, I closed the door. And that's it. I am holding strong, questioning myself of course, but deep down i know that i did the right thing. If I let him back, he will be getting high again tomorrow. It is painful to know that this man could not stay sober for a week. Not even a week. And he didn't just relapse, he planned it, stole his ****, so that if I question him he will pee for me. Who does this?
I am in this horrible pain, but it will get better, right? I will one day get over this pain and move on? Maybe he will get better and go back to rehab? Maybe he won't die? Am I crazy to think and hope? Please pray for me, I am hardly holding on.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I am so sorry for your pain but
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Maybe he will get better maybe he won't but you are doing the right thing. He crossed a boundary and you reacted in an appropriate and healthy way
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Maybe he will get better maybe he won't but you are doing the right thing. He crossed a boundary and you reacted in an appropriate and healthy way
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm sorry you're going through this. IMO, you did the right thing.
He may, or may not, get better. The thing is, YOU can go on with your life, regardless of what he does. It isn't easy, it doesn't happen right away, but it does get better when we take care of ourselves.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
He may, or may not, get better. The thing is, YOU can go on with your life, regardless of what he does. It isn't easy, it doesn't happen right away, but it does get better when we take care of ourselves.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
It is painful to know that this man could not stay sober for a week.
I remember one time my then AGF got out of the hospital on a Thursday, and I was dreading her discharge. And that's because I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing while she was in. Sure enough, four days later, she nearly died after orally ingesting part of a Fentanyl patch.
Just because someone goes to rehab doesn't mean they want to get clean. Sometimes it's just a pause in the action. Sometimes it's to get family off their back for a while. And once they're out and left to their own devices, they slip back into the life they know so well. It's too hard and too much work to do any differently.
I'm sorry that this has happened (again). My hope for you going forward is you do what is necessary to take care of you and your kids. There is hope on that front, hope that you can regain your life and your sanity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by zoso77 
What makes opiates so difficult to come off is the brain remembers the feeling of being under the influence so incredibly well, even after detox. Such a person is so easily triggered. Everything reminds them of using, and the brain almost goads them on.
I remember one time my then AGF got out of the hospital on a Thursday, and I was dreading her discharge. And that's because I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing while she was in. Sure enough, four days later, she nearly died after orally ingesting part of a Fentanyl patch.
Just because someone goes to rehab doesn't mean they want to get clean. Sometimes it's just a pause in the action. Sometimes it's to get family off their back for a while. And once they're out and left to their own devices, they slip back into the life they know so well. It's too hard and too much work to do any differently.
I'm sorry that this has happened (again). My hope for you going forward is you do what is necessary to take care of you and your kids. There is hope on that front, hope that you can regain your life and your sanity.
I remember one time my then AGF got out of the hospital on a Thursday, and I was dreading her discharge. And that's because I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing while she was in. Sure enough, four days later, she nearly died after orally ingesting part of a Fentanyl patch.
Just because someone goes to rehab doesn't mean they want to get clean. Sometimes it's just a pause in the action. Sometimes it's to get family off their back for a while. And once they're out and left to their own devices, they slip back into the life they know so well. It's too hard and too much work to do any differently.
I'm sorry that this has happened (again). My hope for you going forward is you do what is necessary to take care of you and your kids. There is hope on that front, hope that you can regain your life and your sanity.
Sorry justvtryingvto get as much info as I can to learn.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Rosie2015
Zoso, you seem fluent in opiates. May I ask you is there some better direction or path to attempt getting off opiates. My son is just at the begining of these attempts to be off opiates Are they really that much harder than other drugs?
Sorry justvtryingvto get as much info as I can to learn.
Sorry justvtryingvto get as much info as I can to learn.
There is no silver bullet for anyone. The deal with coming off either drugs or alcohol is that person has embrace a new way of living, and that's because their current way not only doesn't work, but it's killing them.
In the case of someone like glitterdiva's AH, I think it's safe to say he had no intentions of giving up heroin while he was in rehab. Unless he, or in your case your son, decides enough is enough, the addict will never be in recovery. It's as simple as that.
As for what path should he take to stay on a good path, that's up to him. Personally, I think 12 step programs hold a lot of promise if someone wants to go through that process. We have other members who swear by alternate programs such as CRAFT, or Secular Recovery, etc. Frankly, I don't believe it matters all that much because the addict has to be able to buy into what those programs offer.
As for you, your best play is to step back and allow your AS to make his own decisions. And that will be hard for you, because he may do things that you don't approve of or are self destructive. There's nothing you can do about that.
With that said, someone like AnvilHead is an invaluable resource here because she's been through the fire in her own life. Pay attention to what she says, Rosie. There's a lot of good stuff there...
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Glitterdiva,
I'm sorry for your pain. I went through the same thing. My AH was great aftet rehab and then it would slowly go downhill from there. I kicked him out 2.5 months ago and I still hurt. I have realized this man is not going to change anytime soon or maybe never. It makes me so sad that his addiction has destroyed our marriage and our family. But you know what, it's his loss! He will miss out on seing our kids grow up. I know I deserve much better too. You do too.
I know its hard and it sucks. You did the right thing. Praying for you.
I'm sorry for your pain. I went through the same thing. My AH was great aftet rehab and then it would slowly go downhill from there. I kicked him out 2.5 months ago and I still hurt. I have realized this man is not going to change anytime soon or maybe never. It makes me so sad that his addiction has destroyed our marriage and our family. But you know what, it's his loss! He will miss out on seing our kids grow up. I know I deserve much better too. You do too.
I know its hard and it sucks. You did the right thing. Praying for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank all. I am holding on the best I can. I left for my mother's yesterday and completely broke down. I usually do not share much with her, I cannot with my family. They know some, but not much, as sometimes they can be very judgmental. I broke down and got drunk. I do not drink, stopped going to AA, but relapsed. Completely and totally. Called my sponsor, went to a meeting today. I left my mother's early in the morning because I don't know, I just had to leave. I saw all these messages on my phone begging to come home, how he will die, etc. He has a brother who is sober and who offered him to come and stay. No, he can't go there for whatever reason and if I am not letting him in, he will die. I got home and he was in bed!!!! He looked completely messed up and very angry. All white, said he didn't sleep and took some sleeping meds. Said he cannot drive right now or he will crash the car, said he will sleep it off, find a place and on Thursday he is going back to Florida. Said that I AM HIS TRIGGER. OUR FIGHTS are his trigger, he relapsed because he couldn't take me anymore. Yep, its me, my fault.
This hurts beyond anything. I am not perfect, really, I am not. I have my faults, but I am a damn good wife, true partner who had his back from day 1 at 100%. I stood by this man like no other, loving him, caring for him, being there for him. All the pain and wait all the agony of being married to a man who is married to heroin. I wish I didn't relapse on drinking, because I am shaking, I am not stable and I want to FIND IT. It is so stupid and silly, find what? EVIDENCE. That he is in fact using.
I looked in the car and found some nail polish, maybe its my kids, maybe its another woman. I looked in his phone and found this very nasty and disquasting porn, just nasty. I want to puke. I don't know why I am scooping so low, trying to find dirt on this man. He is sitting in a puddle, covered in chit. I have no idea who this man is. It is not the same guy who came back from Florida.
Thursday is the date, he is leaving and I will pick up my pieces. I don't know how guys. All I want right now is the bottle. I want to get chitty drunk and pass out. I don't want to feel this pain.
Can you imagine for one second? He didn't last even a week. One week. What does it mean? I am crazy to think that this man can change? It is my fault he keeps relapsing? I am his trigger? Sorry for this long rant. Just can't breathe, you know.
This hurts beyond anything. I am not perfect, really, I am not. I have my faults, but I am a damn good wife, true partner who had his back from day 1 at 100%. I stood by this man like no other, loving him, caring for him, being there for him. All the pain and wait all the agony of being married to a man who is married to heroin. I wish I didn't relapse on drinking, because I am shaking, I am not stable and I want to FIND IT. It is so stupid and silly, find what? EVIDENCE. That he is in fact using.
I looked in the car and found some nail polish, maybe its my kids, maybe its another woman. I looked in his phone and found this very nasty and disquasting porn, just nasty. I want to puke. I don't know why I am scooping so low, trying to find dirt on this man. He is sitting in a puddle, covered in chit. I have no idea who this man is. It is not the same guy who came back from Florida.
Thursday is the date, he is leaving and I will pick up my pieces. I don't know how guys. All I want right now is the bottle. I want to get chitty drunk and pass out. I don't want to feel this pain.
Can you imagine for one second? He didn't last even a week. One week. What does it mean? I am crazy to think that this man can change? It is my fault he keeps relapsing? I am his trigger? Sorry for this long rant. Just can't breathe, you know.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
glitter - I used to "deal with" the actions of my A. Though I get the wanting to do it, I can only tell you that it just led to more problems. I "dealt with" the addiction of someone else, only to become an addict myself.
Years later, when I finally found recovery, I realize that it was a bad call. I numbed myself, for a while, but I still had to face, and deal with, what the relationship brought me.
What I learned was that he had his problems, I had mine. I've been in recovery for almost 8 years, and though life is still tough, at times, I no longer bring harm to myself to deal with it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Years later, when I finally found recovery, I realize that it was a bad call. I numbed myself, for a while, but I still had to face, and deal with, what the relationship brought me.
What I learned was that he had his problems, I had mine. I've been in recovery for almost 8 years, and though life is still tough, at times, I no longer bring harm to myself to deal with it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
glitter - I used to "deal with" the actions of my A. Though I get the wanting to do it, I can only tell you that it just led to more problems. I "dealt with" the addiction of someone else, only to become an addict myself.
Years later, when I finally found recovery, I realize that it was a bad call. I numbed myself, for a while, but I still had to face, and deal with, what the relationship brought me.
What I learned was that he had his problems, I had mine. I've been in recovery for almost 8 years, and though life is still tough, at times, I no longer bring harm to myself to deal with it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Years later, when I finally found recovery, I realize that it was a bad call. I numbed myself, for a while, but I still had to face, and deal with, what the relationship brought me.
What I learned was that he had his problems, I had mine. I've been in recovery for almost 8 years, and though life is still tough, at times, I no longer bring harm to myself to deal with it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I am going to take this one step at the time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by zoso77
Rosie, I'm not an expert. Having gone through watching someone go through opiate addiction and my own research doesn't make me any different than other members here. That said, my clinician is an addictions expert, and she's taught me quite a bit.
There is no silver bullet for anyone. The deal with coming off either drugs or alcohol is that person has embrace a new way of living, and that's because their current way not only doesn't work, but it's killing them.
In the case of someone like glitterdiva's AH, I think it's safe to say he had no intentions of giving up heroin while he was in rehab. Unless he, or in your case your son, decides enough is enough, the addict will never be in recovery. It's as simple as that.
As for what path should he take to stay on a good path, that's up to him. Personally, I think 12 step programs hold a lot of promise if someone wants to go through that process. We have other members who swear by alternate programs such as CRAFT, or Secular Recovery, etc. Frankly, I don't believe it matters all that much because the addict has to be able to buy into what those programs offer.
As for you, your best play is to step back and allow your AS to make his own decisions. And that will be hard for you, because he may do things that you don't approve of or are self destructive. There's nothing you can do about that.
With that said, someone like AnvilHead is an invaluable resource here because she's been through the fire in her own life. Pay attention to what she says, Rosie. There's a lot of good stuff there...
Take care.
There is no silver bullet for anyone. The deal with coming off either drugs or alcohol is that person has embrace a new way of living, and that's because their current way not only doesn't work, but it's killing them.
In the case of someone like glitterdiva's AH, I think it's safe to say he had no intentions of giving up heroin while he was in rehab. Unless he, or in your case your son, decides enough is enough, the addict will never be in recovery. It's as simple as that.
As for what path should he take to stay on a good path, that's up to him. Personally, I think 12 step programs hold a lot of promise if someone wants to go through that process. We have other members who swear by alternate programs such as CRAFT, or Secular Recovery, etc. Frankly, I don't believe it matters all that much because the addict has to be able to buy into what those programs offer.
As for you, your best play is to step back and allow your AS to make his own decisions. And that will be hard for you, because he may do things that you don't approve of or are self destructive. There's nothing you can do about that.
With that said, someone like AnvilHead is an invaluable resource here because she's been through the fire in her own life. Pay attention to what she says, Rosie. There's a lot of good stuff there...
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by zoso77
What makes opiates so difficult to come off is the brain remembers the feeling of being under the influence so incredibly well, even after detox. Such a person is so easily triggered. Everything reminds them of using, and the brain almost goads them on.
I remember one time my then AGF got out of the hospital on a Thursday, and I was dreading her discharge. And that's because I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing while she was in. Sure enough, four days later, she nearly died after orally ingesting part of a Fentanyl patch.
Just because someone goes to rehab doesn't mean they want to get clean. Sometimes it's just a pause in the action. Sometimes it's to get family off their back for a while. And once they're out and left to their own devices, they slip back into the life they know so well. It's too hard and too much work to do any differently.
I'm sorry that this has happened (again). My hope for you going forward is you do what is necessary to take care of you and your kids. There is hope on that front, hope that you can regain your life and your sanity.
I remember one time my then AGF got out of the hospital on a Thursday, and I was dreading her discharge. And that's because I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing while she was in. Sure enough, four days later, she nearly died after orally ingesting part of a Fentanyl patch.
Just because someone goes to rehab doesn't mean they want to get clean. Sometimes it's just a pause in the action. Sometimes it's to get family off their back for a while. And once they're out and left to their own devices, they slip back into the life they know so well. It's too hard and too much work to do any differently.
I'm sorry that this has happened (again). My hope for you going forward is you do what is necessary to take care of you and your kids. There is hope on that front, hope that you can regain your life and your sanity.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
I am so very sorry you are suffering through this. It is not easy, but it is worth it.
I think of the receptors the brain makes as hungry firey iron jaws. When they get sober the many rows of jaws go dormant. When the addict takes the smallest amount, that feeds one or two of the jaws. The rest, do not stay dormant they wake up screaming to be fed.
It takes a determined addict to stay sober. We cannot help them, all we can do is help ourselves and pray.
Bless you
I think of the receptors the brain makes as hungry firey iron jaws. When they get sober the many rows of jaws go dormant. When the addict takes the smallest amount, that feeds one or two of the jaws. The rest, do not stay dormant they wake up screaming to be fed.
It takes a determined addict to stay sober. We cannot help them, all we can do is help ourselves and pray.
Bless you
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh Glitter, I am so sorry to hear all of this.
First of all, hop right back on the wagon for yourself, right this second. You deserve to take care of yourself and your own sobriety. He is trying to manipulate you. You are his trigger? BULL CRAP. Babe, he is an addict. Anything will be his trigger. He is trying to make you feel bad so you will allow him to stay. DO NOT DO IT.
I cannot imagine how hard it has to be that he was at your home after you kicked him out. They are master manipulators, as evident at rehab.
Please take care of you. Keep us posted.
XXX
First of all, hop right back on the wagon for yourself, right this second. You deserve to take care of yourself and your own sobriety. He is trying to manipulate you. You are his trigger? BULL CRAP. Babe, he is an addict. Anything will be his trigger. He is trying to make you feel bad so you will allow him to stay. DO NOT DO IT.
I cannot imagine how hard it has to be that he was at your home after you kicked him out. They are master manipulators, as evident at rehab.
Please take care of you. Keep us posted.
XXX
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by glitterdeva
That's so true about the brain and triggers. I don't know, I am so confused right now, because AH had several therapy sessions with me over the phone and his therapist assured me that he had this 'awakening', this 'spiritual experience' and you know, he is doing so well! Like he is doing what he is supposed to be doing. I feel totally blindsided by this. Addiction is sensless.
It sucks you have to go through this, glitter. But you know what you're up against now, so that means you can make decisions that are based on what's best for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
All hope is not gone. Mourn your loss. The loss of this relationship - for now. I know you heard it a million times before - but take one day at a time. I still have to remind myself to do this.
You are making a rational decision to better your whole family. Including him. Even if he doesn't see it right now.
You are a strong passionate woman. Keep repeating that to yourself. You are allowed to feel any way you want. But, you are making a rational good decision for everyone in your family.
You are making a rational decision to better your whole family. Including him. Even if he doesn't see it right now.
You are a strong passionate woman. Keep repeating that to yourself. You are allowed to feel any way you want. But, you are making a rational good decision for everyone in your family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by KeepinItReal
All hope is not gone. Mourn your loss. The loss of this relationship - for now. I know you heard it a million times before - but take one day at a time. I still have to remind myself to do this.
You are making a rational decision to better your whole family. Including him. Even if he doesn't see it right now.
You are a strong passionate woman. Keep repeating that to yourself. You are allowed to feel any way you want. But, you are making a rational good decision for everyone in your family.
You are making a rational decision to better your whole family. Including him. Even if he doesn't see it right now.
You are a strong passionate woman. Keep repeating that to yourself. You are allowed to feel any way you want. But, you are making a rational good decision for everyone in your family.
I felt out of it, I don't know, I don't know anything - is he high, is he not high, what now? Anyway, he left and I went to lunch with this mom. He asked not to 'ping' his phone (I can GPS it with family locator). He called like 10 minutes later asking how we are. He is in DC getting high. Not in IOP.
I have lost it maybe for 10 minutes. But then came to my senses. Called my sponsor. I will be ok. We held each other. I wanted to just say - ok, you can no longer come here if you do I am calling cops and getting you arrested. He has no $, he has no place to live so the only other choice is detox and then long term treatment. His mom though is asking to give him until Thursday since it was his original date anyway. So he has 2 days to either go to treatment or die/go to jail/whatever.
I am not sure that I will not call cops when he comes. Am I wrong? He can call the treatment today and leave today right? Why wait until Thursday?
p.s. held each other with his mother i mean. AH is in DC getting high, sent some 'loving' message how he is not a junkie, but a loving husband and he is just helping some friend out and blah blah blah. I am torn. Do I give him until Thursday to get the f out or just close the door today? Treatment can start today.
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