fluffyflea

Lately I decided I would start being more vocal and sticking up for myself....

So Thursday night I straight out on the phone said "I'm very angry that you've been gone so long." Well that was straight up,true and to the point.

Well...........

"Why do you do this?"

I said I'm telling you how I feel".

You know this makes me angry and you always do this. I'm hanging up now talk to you tomorrow. And he hangs up and sends me a text which I didn't get til the next morning as my phone was off "If you keep doing this YOU ARE GOING TO DRIVE ME AWAY. If that is what you want say it."

I didn't respond as I don't want to and haven't heard from him.

I got an ultimatum for saying how I feel??????????

Acheleus

Oh my gosh this sounds exactly like my ex gf. I would bottle up all my frustration and disappointment until I would get the courage to say something. Then she would just drop everything and threaten to leave or yell at me. I think it's a form of manipulation. No more for me. I gave up because she sucked away all my emotions. What a horrible way to interact. I hope you get some better replies but what you describe is eerily similar to my exagf's manipulative bs. I think it scares them to see us have the courage to stand up for ourselves and that is just sick. Life is too short.

charis78

Sounds about right. I flapped my lips too much... Mine would punish me by telling me he was going to turn off his phone and he might consider talking to me if I was civil tomorrow. Or I get the cold shoulder.

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone that wants to hear about how we feel and would want to fix it if their bad behavior upsets us.

maia1234

They are very selfish people. They don't want to hear about our problems, or that they are our problem.

It's sad, I am sorry EW!!

SparkleKitty

You deserve a partner who can hear how you feel without over-reacting, but it doesn't sound like you have one. Nor does it sound like he wants to be one. Can you accept that? Because trying to change him doesn't sound like it's working.

Is he out of town working or something? Is there a legit reason he's been away for so long, or is it his choice?

amy55

Oh man, what's wrong with you???? You said the "F" word !!!! Feelings.......

I remember, I tried to use that "F" word, I didn't know what was going on then, I just felt uncomfortable talking about feelings. The marriage was new then, and I preferred to hide in a room then to talk about that. Then my ex said to me, you know you can tell me anything you want to if it is bothering you. So, I stupidly used the "F" word again. I was shut right down.

I don't think it matters if they are sitting in the next room from you, or if he was away for 10 days or more. You should be able to use that "F" word.

When I caught onto it that I could not say how I felt, whenever I wanted him to just disappear, I would sing Feelings, whoa, whoa, whoa feelings, he ran and hid.

So how are you doing tonight?

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

Duckygirl1

Most addicts can't hear anyone through their own pain. My xabf actually did listen to me a lot. When I was in a crappy place he'd always ask what's wrong? Or say "c'mon talk to me, it can't be that bad" and he would truly listen. He would truly, sometimes in the strangest way, try to make me feel better or fix the problem. It was one of the reasons I stayed so long I think. He was actually fun to be with. For awhile.

When I said how his being wasted made me feel, he got teary eyed and said he was sorry, he hated being like that, but he was terrified of the sickness that came with withdrawal. He'd rather stay wasted than face that. Well it got to the point where he had to go or he was going to die. He faced the pain and almost lost his mind in the process from what I heard through the grapevine. Now I don't want to talk to him. Oh, the sad irony of an addict.

LexieCat

Earthworm, you have EVERY right to express your feelings. HOWEVER, it's apparently unrealistic for you to expect him to care. He just doesn't. He doesn't want you to make any demands of him.

I think your choices are to continue to be sad and angry and frustrated about it or to accept that that is how he is. He isn't interested in changing. What you do with that is up to you.

amy55

Earthworm, Can I be really honest with you right now? You have been here since 2007, sometimes you go underground for awhile. I don't know if I ever had the pleasure of meeting the real "you".

I would really like to meet you, and know you better. I would really like to listen to your feelings.

btw, love raccoons......

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

fluffyflea

And the irony, in case you haven't noticed I've brought up the Wheel of Abuse to Peony.

I was reading it last night and I think under Emotional Abuse, Threatens to leave you.........

fluffyflea

I was trying to find a solution to a problem and he wasn't interested in finding a solution as he wants to do what he wants when he wants.

LLLisa

What Amy said.

Since 2007. It's not going to get any better.

I got out.

My life is freakin' amazing now. I love it.

amy55

Hey, I heard that one all the time. Got really sick of it. Wanted him to leave. Told him that. Threatened divorce, told him so go and do it already. Couldn't get rid of him after that till I left.

fluffyflea

Ha ha ha

fluffyflea

Anyways I realize my boundaries suck I don't even have any in my relationships with men and my "easygoing ness" is just a character flaw not an attribute.

redatlanta

Earthworm is the person you are having issues with the same person that brought you here in 2007?

fluffyflea

I've been sober 17 years this Friday coming and I want more out of my relationships than what I've been reaping.

fluffyflea

No. I have a pattern.

redatlanta

So a question........ wait first,,,,,,

17 years sober !!!

If you want more out of your relationships than what you are getting, and if you are always reaping the same benefit, and since you recognize there is a pattern here, and also recognize you deserve better....

Would a good first step be giving the offender what he asked for? Let him drive away to never never land where people don't have feelings (except him of course), and the world will spin on its axis around him?

Good riddance.

amy55

Earthworm,

To me, it seems you have so much locked up inside of you. I don't know, sometimes it takes one to know one. I locked myself away. Would really like to know you better.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy