Duckygirl1

i was just in another post saying how I look back on old texts from my xabf when I get to thinking about the possibility of us being friends when he's out of rehab and his crap is out of my space. I just read through once and I'm like "yeaaaah, no. Not gonna happen"

Back before I met him and I was thinking about dating, I peaked into online dating. I created a few profiles, but never paid for a subscription to any. Being lazy, I created a single profile that I felt summed it up and cut and pasted. Here's the thing that kicks me in the glutes. One of the lines in my profile said
"If you solve your problems with drugs or booze, I am not your girl". And I meant it! Not 3 months later I'm living Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Why didn't I listen to 3 months before Duckygirl? She was right, she was sensible.

I gotta listen to my gut more. I'm learning to do it work wise, food wise, money wise etc. etc. but this love thing is a bugger. I'm still too much in the anger stage, so for now I'm safe. I just don't want to get all mushy comfortable again.

Jane11

I hear ya! Sometimes I'm glad for the anger as it's the only thing that stops me from getting back into the "all mushy comfortable again" stage!

Jane11

Duckygirl, I was just wondering (please feel free to tell me to mind my own), but did you meet your axbf online? I did and it just got me to thinking about how it's often said there are a lot of the 'crazy ones' that use online dating- well I was there so count me in that category lol.

I don't actually think that generalisation is necessarily true, I mean there are crazy people all over right? But I do think it's a good 'mask' for them to hide behind maybe? And that got me to thinking how maybe I was trying to hide behind something by going on there- idk, like you I just made a few free profiles for curiosity- hmmm what's that saying curiosity killed the cat...

LemonGirl

I met a great guy from online dating once. We lasted 1 1/2 years before our schedules broke us up. I also got a few head games, stalkers, and many guys who didn't think pot was a drug when I clearly stated that I consider it a drug and it was a NO NO for me.
I met my xabf doing karaoke at a bar. Go figure... Lol

I too can relate to the not having known better or trusted myself. I think just 3 weeks into it, I said to him something something like, "I think you drink more than I thought you did. If at any time I feel it's too much for me, I will end this." I think of that often. 9 months later, it got to be too much, and I ended it. But now I'm stuck with the whole serendipity, so much in common, I had just walked away from a bad relationship (6 years off and on with a lovely narcissist) and finally learned to say NO and also allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me so I wasn't going to wallow like I had in the past and I would keep my heart open.... and in walked my recent xabf. Serendipity like the movies. And I got hooked.
Meh..... I should have listened to myself then so I wouldn't be where I am today. But hey, we're getting better at this!

Jane11

Lemongirl, I came out of a relationship of around 6 years long, it wasn't necessary a bad one (and in comparison to relationship with axbf looks like a dream) but I told myself keep your heart open and still believe in love, and in came axbf.

I too told him at the beginning of the relationship when the first disaster from his alcoholism happened that I couldn't deal with it gave him the old "I'm sure your a lovely guy but it's a bit too much for me" - in fact I'm pretty sure I kept a text message I sent to remind me of this (and of course he responded with how amazing I was and he wanted to be amazing for me and with me). Months and months later I was still in the relationship as it spiralled further out of control, and a year later I am going through the aftermath and still in contact with him whilst he tries to convince me now it is different.

Should I have listened to myself back then- yes! I'm pretty sure loads of us on here feel that way and as the saying goes hindsight is a wonderful thing!

LemonGirl

Jane, isn't it amazing the similarities!

The things in common with everyone here is what prompted me to believe it would have gotten worse and a huge reason why I left.

BTW, I am still in contact too. So far, there is no real consequence to it as he doesn't beg for me back. He does say he wants to get sober and understands my position. But you know he's still drinking. Though last night was odd. He was actually sober on a Friday night. I told him I was proud of him and "one day at a time"...
Time will tell. I will say that the moment staying in contact detracts from my ability to stay focussed on myself, I will put more distance between us.

How's it going for you?

Duckygirl1

Thanks ya'll! Nice to know it's just not me. I didn't meet him online. He moved into the apt across the hall from me! We passed each other all the time in the hall passing new neighbor pleasantries. I'd just broken it off with a guy a few weeks before. Not a drug/ booze break up, just bored out of my skull. Anyhoo, my friend, also a neighbor asked if I'd met the new guy. I said no, but he's a cutie pie. Turns out my ex was wondering if I was with anyone. Long story short, we had tea, chatted had a few more "dates" on the fire escape after work and then called it monogamous. I loved his family, they loved me, dinners, vacations blah, blah. Addiction madness sets in. End of story, he's in rehab and I'm here with you good people. Sigh. I so wanted this to work, but didn't we all.