DisplacedGRITS

Why can't i get it together? Why can't i get back to being honest? I'm about to lose my job due to being tardy. I just called my psych and left a message admitting my crimes. I'm looking at IOP at the very least. I'm terrified thet they're going to make me address my eating disorder issues as well. It's a mess. My whole gilded life is a ******* shambles and i won't admit it. Wanna know something wild? I was tipsy and walked to the grocery store to buy booze. The clerk wouldn't sell alcohol to the dude in front of my because he was wicked intoxicated. I was intoxicated and i was able to buy more alcohol because i could walk a straight line and be charming. I hate to admit it but my charm had bought me a ticket to hell.

My boss....he doesn't want to fire me but i'm just about giving him no choice. I'm afraid to admit to him what's going on but i'm also afraid that coming clean is all i've got. If i get to go to IOP then coming clean is my last hope. ****, ****, ****. I'm off the rails right now and i have no idea what to do. I'm so scared. I don't want to die but sometime it feels like suicide is my only hope. I lost my uncle to suicide last year and it just doesn't seem so bad. I could find a tall bridge. I could just jump and finally be free. I'm so tired of this vicious cycle. I want out by any means.

Thepatman

So sorry about your struggle!

First things first. Feeling like Jumping off a bridge is not good at all, your addiction progressed to the point of despair. Before you do anything like this call for help!

You don't have to be entirely truthful with your boss. Perhaps you could tell him you need a couple of weeks for intense therapy, reason could be depression.
If you come to him, acknowledge your attendance record is unacceptable but you are going to fix it, and perform like hell after you feel better could alleviate the tension?

Then you have the key to get sober. But do get sober fast, Alcohol is grinding at your resolve, act while you still have some left. Not sure if you need professional medical detox, but once your boss is informed, go to the ER if you must, but put the drink down.

Rooting for you, busy a bit today, but you can PM me, I'll get an email notification and respond.

DisplacedGRITS

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be posting. I have to go to bed so I can wake up and pretend that everything's okay. Well, at least I made the comittment to my doctor. I don't know what's in store for me. I wish I was alone. I wish I wasn't married to a man that I love. I want to die. I want to drive to the beach, walk out into the sound and take a few deep breaths underwater. The desire is there but i 'm afraid that my husband loves me too much. Perhaps part of me is hoping to push him away enough that I can do that but the bastard won't give up on me. First world problems, no? I just want to die without hurting anyone else but I can't do that. Why won't they let me go? Why can't I be that brave?

Dave36

I banged my head against a wall for years. Doing the same dumb **** over and over. I'm newly sober and I'm not saying it's easy but there's a whole lot of stuff I don't have to worry about any more. No fuzzy hungover/withdrawl mornings trying to remember how I embaressed myself or what the hell I even did the night before. It's not really that hard. I know it seems impossible now but if I can do it anyone can.

Dee74

It's time to drop your baggage and ask for help dG.
You know it makes sense.

if you're at all serious about the wanting to die stuff you please at least take time to read through the various links here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

Don't make a forever decision on the way you feel right now.
Get some rest.

Log in here again tomorrow and re-read this thread.
D

Nonsensical

Yes you do.

Rootin' for ya!

Thepatman

Dying is not an option. You have friends here, a loving husband.

Your thinking is clouded, very distorted. Hard to see the shore right now, but if you swim in the right direction you will be on the beach soon. And NOT to end things, to start things, to make everything new. We love you and not going to stand here and do nothing.
Digg deep, find the spark, it's there, just say enough is enough and stand up to this relentless addiction.

Thepatman

Here, blast this on your stereo, you are an overcomer, don't let go, stay in the fight.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b8VoUYtx0kw

IOAA2

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." -The Big Book of AA, Chapter 5 Page 58

This is a fact plain and simple. No one says it’s a short term instant cure, it takes time and depending on the person it also means a lot of “self improvement” WORK one day at a time in a row.
IT WORKS IF WE WORK IT!

BE WELL

Anna

DG, I can feel your pain and frustration, and I hope that you will do whatever you need to do. In time you will come to see that your husband's love helped to save you, not prolong a life of agony. My prayers are with you.

totfit

As long as one is breathing there is hope............For things to change in the mean time, we have to take steps in a different direction.

strategery

Displacedgrits-don't let suicide ever be an option. There are so many options still left. Can you go to inpatient or outpatient? There is still hope. When I drank, things always seemed dark. Please be kind to yourself.

Serenidad

Why aren't you brave enough to kill yourself? To end your life? THIS IS WHY: Because somewhere in your heart or subconscious mind you know that you can do this, you can get and stay sober and live a life beyond your wildest dreams.

What if I told you that in exactly one year from today you would be sober, happy, joyous and free? Maybe there ARE beautiful babies in your future who will have a mommy that they NEVER will see drunk. You are so young Lisa. I know the depression, hopelessness and despair you speak of...we ALL do. It's hell.

You have a future and so do I. We CAN'T quit before the miracle happens! Please don't throw away the amazing future that awaits you. Get and stay sober no matter what it takes. You owe that to YOU! You deserve happiness! You have a bright future. The alcohol wants to kill you...you don't really want to die. I know how you feel.

I'm here. I'm fighting this fight with you!

biminiblue

I live near Puget Sound. That water is cold! Jus' sayin.

The alcohol is causing this. The depression is being made worse by it. The suicidal ideation and depression can be treated, but even if meds are prescribed they won't work when alcohol is in the picture.

There are a lot of women's AA groups in the area. I will PM you.

ru12

Things feel so hopeless because you keep drinking. It alters your emotions and the guilt is disabling. Do whatever you have to do to get sober... Because until you do nothing is going to get better. And it will get better if you stop and stay stopped. I promise.

VikingGF

DisplacedGRITS,
I too, had delusions of suicide, but every one of them under the influence. It never even crosses my mind when I'm sober. Please put down the drink and get a clear head for a few days. There is no way to know what you want or what you can do while you are actively drinking. Stopping is the very first and most important step.

Get the help you need and get it right now. Do it for yourself, you deserve a good life.

Serenidad

Lisa, you wrote this (in quotes BELOW) in one of your threads last June when you had 3 months of sobriety. At just 90 days you felt this good. You can have it again PLUS 1000 times more peace! We both can! Hang in there girl! I'm with you! We can do it!!!!!

"I know a peace today that I have never know. This is at 3 months. Three freaking months. What lessons will I have learned in 6 months? A year? Several years? The only way I will know is to keep working on my sobriety. This is the life I can live with. Thank you all for the roles you have played in my sobriety. This site saves lives and I am proof positive of that!"

VikingGF

Here is a great post by you, GRITS. Maybe your own words can help?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...barrassed.html

PurpleKnight

I hope it all works out, some extra help sounds like the way forward!!

Gonnachange

From where I sit it seems like you have a lot going for you. Take a step back and look at all the positives in your life and strive to embrace them.