He is NOT my source of happiness
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When I was in the hospital, my mother's cousin recommended a book to me called "The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship: A Toltec Wisdom Book". I read it and while I found the first half a little wishy-washy, one chapter stood out as being fairly amusing and somewhat insightful.
The author tells you to imagine that you have a 'magic kitchen' inside of you that is able to make unlimited amounts of any kind of food that you want, and that by using this magic kitchen you never go hungry. Then one day someone knocks on your door and says, "Hey, look, I have this very tasty pizza here for you, I will give it to you but only if you let me in and do what I tell you to do, and as long as you do what I say then I will always give you pizza." Your natural response would be to say, "Well sorry, but I don't need your pizza because I can make as much pizza as I would ever want, why do I have to take yours?"
But if your 'magic kitchen' isn't working right and you can't seem to make pizza for yourself, you might be inclined to let this person in and gradually start taking control of your life in exchange for that sweet, sweet pizza.
Obviously, the magic kitchen and the pizza is an analogy for one's source of happiness, that being love... that you have the capacity to create unlimited amounts of love for yourself within your heart, and that you don't *need* someone to be a replacement for your sense of self-worth and happiness... that while being in a relationship certainly provides happy moments, it shouldn't be the crutch one relies upon to fulfill a void of self-worth, and that true happiness comes from within and not from without. Your happiness should come from you, and his happiness should come from him, and if you are both comfortable with each other exactly the way you are now, then you will continue to be happy with the relationship.
Of course, I had to imagine the author reading this to me in a strong Hispanic accent, which gave me a good chuckle. "Hey, you want some peeezza? I can geeeve you thees peeezza, but you have to let mee control yor life."
The author tells you to imagine that you have a 'magic kitchen' inside of you that is able to make unlimited amounts of any kind of food that you want, and that by using this magic kitchen you never go hungry. Then one day someone knocks on your door and says, "Hey, look, I have this very tasty pizza here for you, I will give it to you but only if you let me in and do what I tell you to do, and as long as you do what I say then I will always give you pizza." Your natural response would be to say, "Well sorry, but I don't need your pizza because I can make as much pizza as I would ever want, why do I have to take yours?"
But if your 'magic kitchen' isn't working right and you can't seem to make pizza for yourself, you might be inclined to let this person in and gradually start taking control of your life in exchange for that sweet, sweet pizza.
Obviously, the magic kitchen and the pizza is an analogy for one's source of happiness, that being love... that you have the capacity to create unlimited amounts of love for yourself within your heart, and that you don't *need* someone to be a replacement for your sense of self-worth and happiness... that while being in a relationship certainly provides happy moments, it shouldn't be the crutch one relies upon to fulfill a void of self-worth, and that true happiness comes from within and not from without. Your happiness should come from you, and his happiness should come from him, and if you are both comfortable with each other exactly the way you are now, then you will continue to be happy with the relationship.
Of course, I had to imagine the author reading this to me in a strong Hispanic accent, which gave me a good chuckle. "Hey, you want some peeezza? I can geeeve you thees peeezza, but you have to let mee control yor life."
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I had to imagine the author reading this to me in a strong Hispanic accent, which gave me a good chuckle. "Hey, you want some peeezza? I can geeeve you thees peeezza, but you have to let mee control yor life."
ROTFLMAO!!!!!! I just pictured that coming out of the mouth of my head Chef who is from El Salvador!!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!! I just pictured that coming out of the mouth of my head Chef who is from El Salvador!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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LemonGirl....there must have been a time in your life...perhaps when you were a child...that you felt happy and that you felt in sync with the Universe. Before you ever knew that your boyfriend existed. One particular occassion that you can remember?
If there is...then, perhaps, try this: Remember that time and try to get in touch with what that felt like, inside. Burn it..and, all the details of it...into your brain.
When you find that "pull" to connect with him....go back to that earlier place and realize that you have always had everything it takes to be happy...without him.
You still have that.
dandylion
If there is...then, perhaps, try this: Remember that time and try to get in touch with what that felt like, inside. Burn it..and, all the details of it...into your brain.
When you find that "pull" to connect with him....go back to that earlier place and realize that you have always had everything it takes to be happy...without him.
You still have that.
dandylion
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Awe......
Dandy that's a cool idea.
I think we can all relate to looking to our relationships with our "A"'s for happiness.... 'If he could just get sober then I could be happy..'
But the truth is that each of us are responsible for our own happiness. Whether or not they get sober.
But the funny thing about your question is that I cannot remember a time when I wasn't infatuated with the Cinderella, soul-mate love story. Lol... I had a diary as a little girl where I detailed my dilemma about which boy I was supposed to marry. That was 7 years old! I think I'm probably just a hopeless romantic entangled with codependency.
Dandy that's a cool idea.
I think we can all relate to looking to our relationships with our "A"'s for happiness.... 'If he could just get sober then I could be happy..'
But the truth is that each of us are responsible for our own happiness. Whether or not they get sober.
But the funny thing about your question is that I cannot remember a time when I wasn't infatuated with the Cinderella, soul-mate love story. Lol... I had a diary as a little girl where I detailed my dilemma about which boy I was supposed to marry. That was 7 years old! I think I'm probably just a hopeless romantic entangled with codependency.
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Lemon...that was in your "thinking" part of your brain. I'm referring to the feeling part of your brain. A moment when you felt without intellectualizing.
I do get what you are saying. But, I can't believe that there was a time in you entire existence when you were not having a happy feeling without the Cinderella story being at the top of your mind.
Maybe, put on your thinking cap and search your memory....and see if you can't find such a memory.....?
(the only point I am trying to make is that..even now, you are so used to thinking of happiness as it is connected to his wagon).
dandylion
I do get what you are saying. But, I can't believe that there was a time in you entire existence when you were not having a happy feeling without the Cinderella story being at the top of your mind.
Maybe, put on your thinking cap and search your memory....and see if you can't find such a memory.....?
(the only point I am trying to make is that..even now, you are so used to thinking of happiness as it is connected to his wagon).
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by LemonGirl 
But the funny thing about your question is that I cannot remember a time when I wasn't infatuated with the Cinderella, soul-mate love story.
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Oh no... Sorry, of course I can think of many many times that I was happy without a relationship.
What I was getting at with this post was that my happiness shouldn't revolve around his behavior... I.E., whether or not he gets sober (detachment). That I am responsible for my happiness. I assumed that's what others would read. But again, I was making assumptions and being vague. Lol...
I'm reading "Codependent No More", and apparently that misunderstood thing and expressing yourself vaguely is a part of it too. Makes me giggle to think about it actually. No worries though, because I think what you're asking of me is still valid. Though I can be happy alone and have done so many times, romanticising my life with a partner as somehow better IS a part of my problem. Especially since I am codependent. It makes it all that much more intense. I hope to someday land in the middle of that, somewhere....
What I was getting at with this post was that my happiness shouldn't revolve around his behavior... I.E., whether or not he gets sober (detachment). That I am responsible for my happiness. I assumed that's what others would read. But again, I was making assumptions and being vague. Lol...
I'm reading "Codependent No More", and apparently that misunderstood thing and expressing yourself vaguely is a part of it too. Makes me giggle to think about it actually. No worries though, because I think what you're asking of me is still valid. Though I can be happy alone and have done so many times, romanticising my life with a partner as somehow better IS a part of my problem. Especially since I am codependent. It makes it all that much more intense. I hope to someday land in the middle of that, somewhere....
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