So scared for RAH

Old 02-27-2015, 10:05 PM
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So scared for RAH

I'm so scared for RAH. His mom had a ruptured aneurysm yesterday. Thought she was lucky-caught it in time, put a stent in, etc and she was stable last night. He bought a plane ticket to fly down Tonite. Things took a turn for the worse this afternoon. Have been worrying all evening if he will make it "in time". He just got there half hour ago. Brother picked him at airport and she was "stable", half hour from hospital. 10 minutes later dad calls to say she is coding out. I am hysterical praying that he gets there in time. Last text at 11:20 said "still alive-5-10 mins away." Haven't heard anything since, so I'm typing here to keep occupied.

I am praying SO hard he gets to see, touch, talk to her before she goes if a miracle for her to pull thru isn't in the cards.

He is 15 months in recovery. Worried if God didn't answer these prayers for him to make it to see her in time his faith in HP will be shattered. Worried he will have guilt and so will I and that he may blame me that we didn't put him on an earlier flight. Late last night when we booked the ticket we were in a celebratory, she made it thru surgery place. Purpose for visit was to see her and provide emotional support to dad, if we had understood or considered potential that she might only have had hours to live we would have happily paid the $400-500 extra to get the earlier flight. We didn't know! He wasn't even sure if he was going to fly down at all. So much GUILT!!! OMG!

Keeping his sobriety if he loses his mom is going to be REALLY tough for him.

If he lost her before he got to the hospital, I really do not know if he will be able to stay sober. I have never prayed harder and bargained harder than Tonite. I am more calm than I was 20-25 minutes ago. What is, is, I guess. If he made it there and she was still alive, prayers have been answered. If not, it's too late. I'm not "calm" right now-just empty. Surreal. Waiting...

He knows there is wine at his parents place. He told me as he left for airport. "I've thought about drinking, but I'm not going to do it. I know it won't help anything and will only make things worse. I texted my sponsor and I'm going to call him on my way to the airport. I brought my books, I have people to call. The first thing I'm going to do when I get to their Condo is dump out all the wine (his dad doesn't drink)." He was kind of in denial, but the good kind, I guess (it's a 2hour drive to the airport). Said, "I told my dad to tell her to hold on, because I'm coming."

I am trying to see if I have a feeling of if she is still here or not and I just don't know. Waiting for a text or a call. We really have control over nothing. Changing my prayers now to prayers of strength for my husband and father-in-law and for a miracle for MIL.

Thanks for listening-
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Old 02-27-2015, 10:18 PM
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Hang in there!
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Old 02-27-2015, 11:16 PM
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Wow-tough night. She's gone. But prayers answered, he got there just before she passed away. There was nothing else they could do. Right after he got there they took her off the vent and her heart stopped right away.

I am SO glad he made it in time. I can't imagine the alternative. It would have been haunting. It is still surreal to think she is gone. Life can change on a dime...

I am obviously sad for and concerned for him and his family. The Codie in me (I I hate that label, but recognize how out of control I feel at this moment) wants to text his dad and bro to ask them to be sure to support him in his sobriety, and make sure he or they get rid of the wine in the condo. I also want to text a good mutual friend with 11 years AA who knows the situation that his mom has died and ask him to call or text to remind him he can call him if having thoughts of drinking or to seek out a mtg or something that combines condolences with a reminder about how to stay sober. He lost his own dad shortly into his sobriety journey, so may do this on his own without my prompting, anyway, if I just text him that she passed-he knows RAH was desperate to get there "in time".

I am just feeling SO out of control. I didn't even know what to say to my husband when he called to say she was gone. Just wish I was with him and could hold him and we love him and stay strong stuff.

What should I/should I not say or do? Anyone been in a dealing with death of a close family member early in RAH's sobriety? Regarding sobriety or just general support of a partner losing a family member unexpectedly?

Also, funeral will be in late spring. We had a trip planned to visit in 2 weeks and still plan to go. My husband is supposed to come home Tuesday and I have a work trip Wed-Sun. I need to see how this plays out. I know my work world could survive without me, although I have a fairly important role to play at this meeting. I want to be able to emotionally support my husband during this difficult time. I don't know if I should cancel my trip or not. I am torn. I know he will say to go, but I just don't know...I guess I have a few days to think about it. Yes, part of me worries that if I am out of town and he is torn up over his mom, that he will drink...part of my desire to cancel the trip is to control his drinking (in fact fear he will drink, is a more motivating factor than wanting to provide emotional support, I think, if I am honest. Of course I WANT to support emotionally, definitely, but FEAR is also definitely at play. I can still email, text, FaceTime, call while gone).

Ugh-sorry such long posts. It's been an emotional night-just typing has been helpful.

Thanks-
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Old 02-28-2015, 12:17 AM
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I'm praying for your family...I'm so sorry for such a great loss...hugs
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Old 02-28-2015, 02:47 AM
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I'm so sorry for your situation, this is tough for everyone involved. Death of a close family member is hard enough alone without adding affects of sobriety into the mix.

I'm sorry I don't have any profound words of wisdom as I have never been in this situation. It seems 'positive' that he admitted to feeling like a drink as he left but backed that up with the fact he had tools to help with this and was willing to use them. He has a good friend who has been in a similar situation who will hopefully call.

I guess all you can really offer him is emotional support and let him know you are 100% there for him, and the choices he makes in terms of his sobriety are his- you can't control this. I hope for everyone's sake that he can make it through this really difficult time and stay on the right track as in the aftermath that would be a huge achievement for him.

Sending you many hugs and hoping you and your family can get through this very difficult time
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Old 02-28-2015, 03:40 AM
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I am SO SORRY for your loss. You're right, life is precious and can change on a dime. I hope your husband stays strong in his recovery resolve.
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Old 02-28-2015, 04:50 AM
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I am so sorry for your families' loss.

L123- I think if you re read your thread you will see you are terribly trying to control the situation. You need to let your H figure out how to live - even through losing his Mom - without drinking without you telling him what to do and who to call and then reminding him multiple times.

15 mo sober is one year and a quarter. He knows his tools work.

Tell him you love him, and that you are devastated about the suddenness of your MIL passing. but keep mum on all the reminders. Ask him if he wants you home regarding the trip, but if he says to go - then you go.

Have you ever helped a kid learn to bike? You know that moment when you let go and they wobble, start pedaling and you pray they don't forget how to steer or brake? He needs to figure it out - the steering and braking.

If he crashes, it is not on you.

Raised as a Codie, my sister and I several years ago whipped each other into a Codie frenzy by phone regarding my grandfather's impending death. It made me absolutely sick with anxiety (not grief). Then she got another call and he was dead. In the 15 minutes we flipped out over timing and family responsibilities and whatnot - he peacefully died. All of the flipping out was useless!! It was me just running the Codie track because under stress it was what I was raised to do. It is hard to get off that track because it makes us feel needed or something sort of sick.

Get off the track! You can light a candle and leave both your MIL and your H in your prayers. Peace,
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Old 02-28-2015, 04:55 AM
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It sounds to me (as a sober alcoholic for six years) like he is handling it very well, exactly the way he should. I know many, many people in AA that have gotten through horrible tragedies (loss of a young child, etc.) with the support of their fellow AA members. Those people will be the ones to support his sobriety. You can support HIM by simply being there to listen.

As for your work trip, I would tell your husband that you would be glad to cancel if he needs or wants you around for a few days. If he tells you to go, I'd go. You cannot "manage" his sobriety by staying home, and at fifteen months, he knows what to do. In terms of maintaining his sobriety, his AA friends will be far more helpful than you.

Learning to deal with loss, sadness, anger, and other strong emotions without picking up a drink is one of the most important things we do in recovery. Life is full of things that bring on those emotions, and each time *I* got through something difficult, the easier it was the next time.

I'm sorry for your loss. He can make it through this and so can you.
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Old 02-28-2015, 06:27 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Your RAH said that he felt like drinking, but wouldn't because he knew that would make it worse. Sounds like he's got a grip. Just support that.
If you can't, God can-just let him.
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Old 02-28-2015, 10:04 PM
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Thanks for all your kind words. Yes, I was absolutely feeling helpless and desperate 24 hours ago-And scratching for something to control.

RAH told me this morning that he poured out the wine last night, but then found a mini fridge with beer out on the patio. But he said it didn't matter because he didn't even feel like drinking.

Only thing I said was I hope you are feeling like you have the resources to keep you head straight. Thought that was supportive without being naggy or controlling.

He said his dad had a friend who goes to AA and would take him to a meeting if he wanted. He also told me he had talked to his sponsor-who very ironically lost his dad to the exact same thing-aortic abdominal anyuerism, 2 weeks ago. Not sure if that is "good" or "bad" that they now have this unexpected loss of a parent in common, but it isn't my business. Later Tonite he texted me that he went to the gym, went to an AA mtg, and rented a movie with his dad and brother.

You are right-he's got this recovery thing figured out! I'm back to working on me!

Thanks again-
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:21 PM
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Glad you are feeling better. It's such a scary road for everyone when our spouses are recovering. Peace and love....
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Old 03-02-2015, 07:53 AM
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I am so very sorry. I am so glad he made it in time. It sounds like he is making the right moves. I would say to just be there for him, be open and honest. Listen to him while he grieves.

Hugs to you. Now would be a good time for an Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meeting!

XXX
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Old 03-02-2015, 01:15 PM
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I am sorry for your loss. Your husband handled the situation well.

Thank you for writing your post. It's been helpful for me to read. My husband is only two months sober. His father has been in and out of the hospital so much lately. None of us would be surprised to get a call in the next year or two. Whenever that time comes, I hope my husband handles himself like yours did.
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Old 03-02-2015, 07:59 PM
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((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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