Major vent about guilt....warning
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Major vent about guilt....warning
In my mind, this is my letter to my AH, soon to be XAH:
I knew the moment I saw you that you were the guy for me. You thought I wanted a classy executive type, but I didñt....I wanted you....with all your scruff, hunting, outdoor loving, hard working, don't care what people think about me all of you. We fell in love. The real love, the good stuff. We nurtured one another and supported each other through our weaknesses. We were good and we stood up to others that crossed the others boundaries. There was respect, and love. A lot of love. We drank a lot. There were a lot of drunk times and many that scared me even 8-10 years ago. I figured you would grow out of it. We fought a lot when drinking but we would always apologize and with genuine concern, keep fighting the good fight for us. We were happy. But even back then alcohol was an issue. Heck, my wedding night was ruined bc you drank so much you passed out on top of me abd then I threw my ring at you-cursed you. How dare you. You promised it would never happen again!
Fast forward almost nine years and I don't know how many hundreds of times I've yelled, begged, cried for you to STOP hurting me, STOP hurting your kids-you have neglected me and abandoned me for years....every day sitting outside by yourself with your wife, alcohol, while your family carried in without you inside. You've sold me out for drinking. All I ever wanted was your time and affection, not sporadic tidbits to hang on to. Horrible things happened with our kids.....how could you not care what you've done?? You've turned into someone thàt is untrustworthy, uncaring, immature, delusional, irresponsible, evil, abusive. How many times have I yelled at you, "where did my husband go?!" And "don't ever treat me like that again" or "you hurt your daughter"....
You pushed me to my primal instinct of survival-I must survive and take care if our kids. Since you've been gone you have continued to lie to me on a daily basis, broken all the court orders, stolen from me, harassed me, threatened me, accused me of cheating on you, lied to everyone you know, played the victim, been to rehab for 8 days and claimed to be cured, tried to force yourself home before I was ready, read my emails and texts without my knowledge, harassed my friends and family, pretended to be sober, stalked me (and allowed your family to do the same while you fed them your lies), and continued to drink. For the last ten years I was the one who kept you in line, the one who made you wabt to be better, the good one, the faith leader of our house, the smarter one, the one that tells the truth....these are your words.
You continue to surround yourself with enablers and other sick people. You've cut off all the people that were telling you what you needed to do....bc you don't want to hear the truth. Bc like all other addicts, you aren't special. This is what addicts do.
After all of this, I still love you. The man I know is in there, somewhere. I still believe in you. You left me with no other choice but to keep myself and our kids safe from your self destruction and irresponsible actions, actions that have hurt your family forever and caused unimaginable damage and scars.
In two days we will be divorced. I'm not divorcing the person I married, I'm divorcing the sellout you've become. I used to think you were better than this....but I've learned you are not. Reality is all you are now is an addict-angry, selfish, and still putting on a show for others. You will not bring me down, you will not hurt our kids. I wear the armor of God who knows I've told the truth about everything, all of you. I hope someday you man up and get some help, real help for your issues-no woman can fix those or love you enough to make them go away-I should know.
I thought you were better than everything you actually are. You aren't. You're just a scary, lying addict-you've done nothing to prove otherwise while claiming to love me and abandoning your own children. My life goes on, as does your addiction and continued lies with no remorse. God will continue to reveal the truth-that I know. That I trust. That is His promise.
I do love you and pray for you more than you would ever imagine but I can say with no guilt whatsoever, because Jesus did not due on the cross for you to be addicted and terrorize your family, I am happier than ever that I will no longer be married to you. The girls and I will thrive, regardless of what you do, because you haven't mattered in this family in a very long time-because you sold us all out.
You are very sick, but I pray someday you listen to God and seek real help, for yourself, and your salvation. Maybe then we can talk...or have a real shot at things. I'll think I'll always hope for that.
And....vent done.
I knew the moment I saw you that you were the guy for me. You thought I wanted a classy executive type, but I didñt....I wanted you....with all your scruff, hunting, outdoor loving, hard working, don't care what people think about me all of you. We fell in love. The real love, the good stuff. We nurtured one another and supported each other through our weaknesses. We were good and we stood up to others that crossed the others boundaries. There was respect, and love. A lot of love. We drank a lot. There were a lot of drunk times and many that scared me even 8-10 years ago. I figured you would grow out of it. We fought a lot when drinking but we would always apologize and with genuine concern, keep fighting the good fight for us. We were happy. But even back then alcohol was an issue. Heck, my wedding night was ruined bc you drank so much you passed out on top of me abd then I threw my ring at you-cursed you. How dare you. You promised it would never happen again!
Fast forward almost nine years and I don't know how many hundreds of times I've yelled, begged, cried for you to STOP hurting me, STOP hurting your kids-you have neglected me and abandoned me for years....every day sitting outside by yourself with your wife, alcohol, while your family carried in without you inside. You've sold me out for drinking. All I ever wanted was your time and affection, not sporadic tidbits to hang on to. Horrible things happened with our kids.....how could you not care what you've done?? You've turned into someone thàt is untrustworthy, uncaring, immature, delusional, irresponsible, evil, abusive. How many times have I yelled at you, "where did my husband go?!" And "don't ever treat me like that again" or "you hurt your daughter"....
You pushed me to my primal instinct of survival-I must survive and take care if our kids. Since you've been gone you have continued to lie to me on a daily basis, broken all the court orders, stolen from me, harassed me, threatened me, accused me of cheating on you, lied to everyone you know, played the victim, been to rehab for 8 days and claimed to be cured, tried to force yourself home before I was ready, read my emails and texts without my knowledge, harassed my friends and family, pretended to be sober, stalked me (and allowed your family to do the same while you fed them your lies), and continued to drink. For the last ten years I was the one who kept you in line, the one who made you wabt to be better, the good one, the faith leader of our house, the smarter one, the one that tells the truth....these are your words.
You continue to surround yourself with enablers and other sick people. You've cut off all the people that were telling you what you needed to do....bc you don't want to hear the truth. Bc like all other addicts, you aren't special. This is what addicts do.
After all of this, I still love you. The man I know is in there, somewhere. I still believe in you. You left me with no other choice but to keep myself and our kids safe from your self destruction and irresponsible actions, actions that have hurt your family forever and caused unimaginable damage and scars.
In two days we will be divorced. I'm not divorcing the person I married, I'm divorcing the sellout you've become. I used to think you were better than this....but I've learned you are not. Reality is all you are now is an addict-angry, selfish, and still putting on a show for others. You will not bring me down, you will not hurt our kids. I wear the armor of God who knows I've told the truth about everything, all of you. I hope someday you man up and get some help, real help for your issues-no woman can fix those or love you enough to make them go away-I should know.
I thought you were better than everything you actually are. You aren't. You're just a scary, lying addict-you've done nothing to prove otherwise while claiming to love me and abandoning your own children. My life goes on, as does your addiction and continued lies with no remorse. God will continue to reveal the truth-that I know. That I trust. That is His promise.
I do love you and pray for you more than you would ever imagine but I can say with no guilt whatsoever, because Jesus did not due on the cross for you to be addicted and terrorize your family, I am happier than ever that I will no longer be married to you. The girls and I will thrive, regardless of what you do, because you haven't mattered in this family in a very long time-because you sold us all out.
You are very sick, but I pray someday you listen to God and seek real help, for yourself, and your salvation. Maybe then we can talk...or have a real shot at things. I'll think I'll always hope for that.
And....vent done.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello 4 girls,
You are some mom to step up and make hard changes. Keep building your peace and your recovery. IT is devastating to lose your husband to addiction and your letter definitely encapsulates it well.
E-hugs DTW.
You are some mom to step up and make hard changes. Keep building your peace and your recovery. IT is devastating to lose your husband to addiction and your letter definitely encapsulates it well.
E-hugs DTW.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Writing that has got to help you process the divorce. It sounds like you have done a lot of soul searching and that will help you heal through this. Please continue to vent here. When you do, we all recognize bits and pieces for our own walks and it helps us too.
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