Bad case of the "should's"

Old 08-15-2004, 05:17 AM
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JT
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Bad case of the "should's"

I spend a lot of time beating myself up. I should have cleaned my bathroom instead of taking a bath. I should quit smoking. I should eat healthier. I should exercise more, go to bed earlier, keep my house cleaner, get organized and be happier.

I swear, when I wake up in the morning instead of asking for God's will in my life I run through a list of things I should do that day. When I go to bed at night I run through a list of things I did not do that I should have.


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Old 08-15-2004, 05:30 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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((((((JT))))))-

You are a good girl please don't beat yourself up. What would we do without you huh?
I am sure all of us leave things undone. Sometimes I am a really bad housekeeper too but, sometimes I just don't want to clean the house and if I don't want to clean the house nobody can make not even me!!! So there....
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Old 08-15-2004, 06:01 AM
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The only thing that helps me when I am overwhelmed by the "Shoulda's" is baby steps, those dang baby steps I swear I look like Tim Conway on the old Carol Burnett show when he played the old man and took about a year to baby step his way across a room. :scared1:

Make a little tiny list of what you think you "should" be doing, and then take a baby step on each one. The food and exercise and a little more sleep should be not too hard...and if the housework is bugging you, call a cleaning service and treat yourself. It's summer...we can houseclean all winter, but summer is meant to be spent outdoors enjoying the sunshine.

Just baby-steps, JT. If I can shuffle, you can shuffle, LOL.

Huge Shuffling Hugs
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Old 08-15-2004, 07:23 AM
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I am going to shuffle my way into a nut house, Ann! I am wearing out the soles of my shoes!

Thanks Splendra...the house doesn't bother me all that much if the truth be told. It's the thought process that I am running in my head all the time.

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Old 08-15-2004, 07:52 AM
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Intellectual Discernment - shutting up the critical voice

"We have our own perpetrator, victim, rescuer triangle going on within us. The perpetrator is the critical parent voice, the victim feelings come from the wounded inner child places, and we try to rescue ourselves from the pain and shame with compulsive and addictive self defeating behaviors focused on some external source. Those self defeating behaviors do not work to stop the pain within except to give us a temporary distraction, so that gives the critical parent voice more fuel to beat up on our own inner children, which causes more pain which drives the compulsive and addictive behavior. A truly vicious self perpetuating cycle of self defeating behavior - or as I call it in an article on my web site, A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse - the codependent three step."
"In order to stop being the victim of our self and our wounding it is vital to start setting boundaries with that critical parent voice - to start learning how to stop the inner child abuse that is part of the disease dynamic. Recognizing that it is not telling us the whole truth, that it is the result of faulty programming and polarized perspective, is the first step to starting to see that the critical parent voice is not an inherent part of our being. It is not an integral component of who we are - it is a part of us that was created by programming and wounding, it is a part of us that we can have some control over, that we can change.

Then we can start practicing some discernment and use the magnificent tool that is our mind to start reprogramming the part of our mind that has been our own worst enemy. Then we can start counteracting all the negative messages with positive messages. Positive affirmations are a very important tool in this process. The reality of our codependency is that we are programmed to negatively affirm ourselves hundreds of times a day - and that is on a good day, on a "bad" one we can get into the thousands. We need to stop empowering the negative programming and start choosing to introduce positive programming into our own internal process. This is one of the ways that we start relating to our self in a more Loving way."
By Robert Burney

hmmmm....
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Old 08-15-2004, 08:12 AM
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JT -
I'm the same way. I always have something that I should be getting done which prevents me from doing something fun. I think that maybe I only feel needed, wanted, worthwhile if I'm doing something productive.

I had to laugh when I started beating myself up because "I should stop worrying about what I should be doing." Good grief.

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Old 08-15-2004, 08:31 AM
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Good Grief is right!!

Must be a slow news day in Cleaverville!
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Old 08-15-2004, 01:06 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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Oh! I guess I already got over that one!!
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Old 08-15-2004, 01:13 PM
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I have a terrible problem with the "Shoulds". I deal with them by putting them in perspective. Which shoulds can actually be accomplished?

I should have a spotless house. This is impossible. What is possible is picking up after myself everyday so the house stays a bit neater.

I should exercise everyday for at least an hour. Once again, not possible unless I quit my job. I just set a goal of walking with my boyfriend and the dog for about 20 minutes a day. I normally go above this goal and feel great about it.

Like Ann wrote, I guess I take baby steps and shuffle towards my ulitmate goal.
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Old 08-15-2004, 01:13 PM
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When I was growing up, my mother use to praise this way...."You did a good job, but......" There was always a 'but'.

I did not even realize it at that time. It was not until I had my first, really serious job and my Boss said to me "You did a good job". I waited..I waited..I waited...there was no but!!!

I always give everyone a break, except me. I've learned to do better. My son's addiction rather tossed me backwards for a bit. Thanks for the reminder.

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Old 08-15-2004, 01:22 PM
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Bad Case of the Shoulds

I grew up in a culture of "shoulds". You should have done this, you should not have done that, you should have known, etc... In other words, I was raised in a punitive and guilt-producing society. It haunts me to this day! To heck with it, though! Life is here to be enjoyed! I am getting a cleaning lady, by the way. It will cost me money, but I'll get more free time for myself, and that is priceless!
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Old 08-15-2004, 03:51 PM
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I'd like to change my answer, LOL. After all, I hadn't had my coffee yet.

I am the world's worst procrastinator, especially when it comes to doing things I don't like to do. Really, I am awful (and working on it). It's not the big things, it's the little things...the details. I keep a pretty clean and tidy house. I have dust stringy things on my ceiling that I noticed a week ago and if I got a long mop it would probably take me about 10 minutes to run through my house and get them down. They're still there. Why? Because I am not motivated. Tell me company is coming and bingo - they're history.

At work I have to be detail oriented, I have schedules and deadlines and cannot procrastinate without getting buried. So when I come home, I relax and decide that it's just not that important until I feel like doing it (or get really sick of it and do it anyway).

I guess it's about priorities, and part of my recovery is making sure that taking time for me is a priority, and I have learned to relax and just enjoy the day. Now all I need to do is find a balance somewhere.....or hire a cleaning service, LOL.

Yes, skip the list and shuffling baby steps (from my first answer) and just hire it out. I'd rather dance than shuffle anyday.

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Old 08-15-2004, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann
I'd rather dance than shuffle anyday.
Me too Ann.
And another me too on the company thing.
I can ignore things in my house forever and a day.
If I have company coming, I get mircroscopic.
Oh and me too again about work.
If I procrastinated there, I would never be able to leave that God foresaken place.
So yeah, it is all about balance.
Or hiring a cleaning service.
Or something in between.
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Old 08-15-2004, 06:41 PM
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That's what I have been thinking. Priorities..."How important is it?" Darn those Alanon slogans!

That and I think I have to pay attention more to how I think. I have gotten to where while I am driving to work instead of getting centered I am telling myself all the things I should do. My "One Day at a Time" list whould take 48 hours!

We all have a running dialog and I think mine has gotten waylaid somewhere. I am being too hard on myself and not delegating enough...watch out Ward!! KIDDING!!

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Old 08-15-2004, 07:22 PM
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What a thread for me!! Lately with everything that's been going on with my dad (overdosed on morphine) I have been in a depressed state of mind. A few years ago when his house burned down I took Prozac just to deal with him and his issues. My doctor just put me on Lexapro about 1 1/2 weeks ago. I have no motivation to do anything. Of course I still do the things that have to be done (groceries, laundry, etc.) but my house is a wreck. I started to clean my room (we have 3 bedrooms in our house - his room, my room and the bedroom) because it is such a big mess and just gave up. The clutter is unbelievable and I care, but not enough to do anything about it. My hours at worked just changed from 9 to 3:30 five days a week to 8 to 5 four days a week. I am now off on Wednesdays. I'm hoping all my woulda, coulda, shouldas will get done then. They certainly didn't get done this weekend. Of course now with my dad out of the hospital I have to check on him more often. On the lighter side, my A b/f now knows the 3 C's. Since I've been coming here, I've said them so much he now remembers them. Of course it doesn't stop him getting another beer out of the fridge but he has learned something. I also tried to get him to admit he was an alcoholic but that wasn't going to happen. Oh well, I just need to focus on me and get myself out of this slump.
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Old 08-16-2004, 05:43 AM
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ditto

looks like we're all in the same boat - i used to think i had to to do it all, but i am slowly learning that if the house is somewhat straightened that may be good enough.

furbabies - i know the feeling of being overwhelmed - we have so much clutter it is hard to know where to begin and some days it just really gets the best of me and i want to rent a dumpster and just haul it all out!

i would like to get more organized, but i guess getting my head organized is the priority right now.

hang in there all - don't sweat the small stuff!

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Old 08-18-2004, 05:25 PM
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My housekeeping skills are also not where they "should" be... The place it not horrible, but clutter is not unknown...

And I also hate the word "should".. I try to never use it, especially when talking to someone else. GGrrrrr

However-- Ann and Gabe-- What to do when company shows up unexpectedly??????
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Old 08-18-2004, 06:19 PM
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This must be a universal problem ... for women anyway. I took my grandson swimming last weekend at my sister's house. My mother stopped over as well and the first words out of her mouth were - "I probably SHOULD be home weeding right now, but ehhhh". She is retired and more than deserves a break from the house and my father.

I'm wondering if men suffer from the should's as well. I'm thinking not, as my husband tackles projects or relaxes equally well.

BTW - he has been waiting 9 years for me to clean out the basement.

Maybe I should do it this weekend. NOT !!!

hugs,

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