KeepinItReal

I have to give myself some slack. It's hard for me to admit it, but I know I am. I'm coming clean because why should I not be honest. I would only be lying to myself. He claims he's sober - of course. He's still on suboxine program but who knows how much longer. I don't know if he'll keep it together to maintain the program. I'm disgusted with him and realize that he's completely untrustable and unreliable. I know what i'm doing and i'm keeping it together for the most part.
I'm bringing everyone to Disney World in a month. My two kids are super excited and they love him a lot. So do I. I just wish he would cut this crap out. It's so obvious and the lying is so dumb. There's zero rationality.
So, i'm surviving until after Disney and the vacation. I'm just dealing with him the best way that I know how.

SobRecNYC

Hi KeepinItReal -- thanks for your brutally honest post. I just joined the Sober Recovery forum a few days ago and am happy I did. I know how you feel. Not so long ago, I found out my boyfriend of a little over three years was not sober for over one-third of our relationship. He relapsed three times before he finally joined an outpatient rehab program. I stood by him all three times and am still right beside him. Like you've expressed, my feelings have run the gamut through this whole ordeal -- love, concern, frustration and, yes, even disgust. It's pretty amazing that each time, he would tell me he was clean and get so angry and defensive when I would question his behaviors. In all fairness, I had every right to ask to be reassured, if only, due to what he put me through. The gaslighting is one of the worst parts. They make you think each time is different and you want to believe them and believe in them, but you don't want to be naive again. Right now, my boyfriend is on suboxone and while he's consistently been taking care of himself (exercising, etc.) and going to group meetings and his own therapist, I've learned that within the first couple of months of his "recovery," he started smoking pot and drinking (he never did these before) and also taking Klonopin (he's had a history of brief bouts with this). While his drugs of choice were opiates (first oxycodone and eventually heroin), this naturally concerns me. I can't bring it up without him acting like I'm being ridiculous. You said it best -- "I wish he would cut this crap out. It's so obvious...there is zero rationality." It seems as if they think we are so clueless and haven't been through this before with them or perhaps they believe their own lies? It's so confounding and I am new to this, so I am trying to navigate it and also trying to give myself some slack. Like you, I feel that my partner is untrustworthy and unreliable and these are two of the most important traits I look for in a partner, so it scares me that I am willing to tolerate this situation...what does that say about me? I wish you the best with your situation. Thank you again for sharing -- your post really resonated with me.

KeepinItReal

I have come to recognize that i'm powerless over what he chooses to do. So, in a way that has helped me. I just try to take one day at a time. I have been through a few cycles with him. One day i'm "so done" and then the next I couldn't imagine my life without him. I have to say that he's best when he's on the suboxine because then he's in some form of control of his "sickness". VS the very few months at a time he's been sober without medication.
Untrustworthy and unreliable to a point. I have done a whole level of trust study and find that my primal trust is still with him. Feeling that my life is safe with him. I however don't trust his judgment with any type of money. He spends it right away - where I save and plan.
I also have been looking into my own possible personality disorder. I use to abuse drugs and have stopped because the negative was more than the positive. I will be 6 years sober in August. Most people start using to cover up deeper emotional issues and most have some sort of personality disorder which I have come to realize. So, one of my goals for this year will be to carve out some time for at least a monthly therapy session. I can't see weekly being possible with 2 kids and work 6 days a week.
I figure the more I work on myself and figure out me the better.

SobRecNYC

Wow...I feel like we have parallel lives in some ways. My partner is the most solid, trustworthy and responsible person in so many ways when sober and I had the joy of experiencing that the first year and a half of our relationship. But he is irresponsible when it comes to money as well and often does things without thinking about the consequences down the road. I feel like he lacks maturity (especially emotionally) and so he makes impulsive decisions -- I am sure that is common among addicts. I am ultra-responsible and probably over-think each decision.

I am also going through the cycle of "I'm so done" and "I can't imagine life without him" scenario. A few weeks ago, after several couples therapy sessions (spent with him saying he wanted to work it out and me sitting there saying I was undecided), he gave me a sort of ultimatum that I needed to decide if I wanted to work it out or not, because the ambiguity was driving him crazy. Needless to say, I was upset because how could I not be unsure with all the stuff his addiction had put me through and with only four months of him in recovery? Anyway, told him that if I had to decide in that moment, I couldn't be with him and he acquiesced (tired of my indecision). I thought I'd feel more relieved, but I was so upset...more upset than I'd ever been at the end of any relationship. Within a week, we were back together and I've made a conscious effort to be patient and let things be about him and his recovery and just put aside my feelings of resentment and hurt until he is off suboxone and has more sobriety under his belt and then we can deal with my feelings in couples therapy. I know early recovery takes time and focus. This is much harder than I expected. I often feel lost in the mix -- I don't hear from or see him as often as I used to -- he was almost too available before using. He's been so emotionally unavailable when he was using and and still persists -- I'm told that can be due to the residual effects of using and suboxone. Did you notice this about your partner on suboxone?

Congratulations on your years of sobriety! I am glad you're going to focus on yourself more. The other day, I just told one of my best friends that I was going to quit spending my therapy sessions crying about my boyfriend and his addiction and that I was ready to focus on myself and overcoming my self-esteem, depression and other issues...and that once I got better, the rest would fall into place...either I'd find that I was strong enough and willing to be with this person or that I want and deserve more. I hope you can make time to go to therapy -- it's been a lifesaver for me, even before my boyfriend's substance abuse...I was going through some other heavy personal and professional stuff and I had the longest, deepest depressive episode of my life and I found a great therapist who helped me crawl out of a deep, dark hole. You sound so introspective and self-aware and those are such wonderful traits and especially helpful in the therapeutic process. I also went to my first Al-Anon meeting the other day and it seemed promising -- so much support there. Take care.

Lily1918

(((KIR)))

I love reading your posts! I relate to them so much. You have 5 years more sober time than me. I pray I get there one day. Great job!

I've also been through a few cycles with my AH. I'm not done yet either. I thought I was a few times, but right now I know I'm not. I can say right now that I don't have another run in me, but when the sh!t hits the fan I cave in every time.

I think it's great that you are going to continue to work on yourself. I think that's all we can do.

Have you planned out your trip to Disney? I've never taken my kids there, but I remember going with my sister and then with my dad. My dad was very "go with the flow" at disney and I had a great time! I missed some parades and characters but I had a blast! When my sister took me though, the entire day was so regimented and scheduled that I had a complete meltdown at 12 years old. Im so excited for you! Going to Disney is a great accomplishment!

zoso77

And what if things implode while you're at Disney?

Jorgenss

From my experience in waiting for the next holiday, next vacation, next anything or any expectation..... 100% of the time I was sadly disappointed, hurt, left alone, and even traveled alone because he couldn't function to travel.

I hope you enjoy Disney, it is the greatest place on earth.

JOIE12

I did this same thing with my alcoholic ex husband, for the kids.

JORGENSS is correct.

I went but it was with different eyes. I walked thru all of the things I was saying goodbye to. Each day, each dinner, each sadness. It was the last vacation and sadly, I knew that.

hold your heart closely. letting go is so painful.

I will be thinking about you. Please be safe and let us know who you are doing.

JOIE12

OH MY !!!!!

Bad typo ... not 'who' you are doing ... 'HOW'
lol

KeepinItReal

Lily - I have lightly planned - and have room for adjustments. I didn't make any set times for anything except once - the whole the week - which is on Easter and the last day there.

I have been to Disney with my AH and RAH twice before. One time with me also being an addict and using. (I'm so thankful to be sober) Another time when he first came home from Oklahoma and we had not seen him in 6 months. It was great for the kids to celebrate him coming home. The point being - no matter what he's doing or not doing - i'm going to have a great time with the kids. I don't expect anything from him. We also have walkie-talkies and I have expressed that if he can't get up we would meet him in the park.
I don't think things will go badly.
Monday is his suboxine apt. so he will get a script for 3 weeks and then go back 1 more time before we leave to get a month script. So, as long as he keeps up with his maintenance drugs things will be tolerable to super fun and enjoyable no matter what. I just hate how the subs allow him to use intermittently. He's hurting himself and I don't cater to him. If he's sick I act like it's abnormal and tell him how sick he is - and leave. BYE BYE - Going to have fun with the kids!!!
I'm excited to go on our trip.

KeepinItReal

SoberNYc - I don't know if he's different while using subs.

glitterdeva

I love reading your posts too. In a way, I think you give me strength. I wish I was so composed and could keep my family together, but I cannot. I am also RA and I am very impulsive. AH relapsed and I couldn't, just couldn't so he is out. I love and miss him so much already. I just can't though, not strong, too f-p in a head. Not sure what to even tell my kids. I hope you will have wonderful time in Disney. My kids keep asking me to go, maybe one day

KeepinItReal

Glitter - I don't think it's my responsibility to keep my family together. I would love to be building with someone rather than coping. For my situation it's to my benefit and my kids that he stays right now. It's a tangles web we weave and every situation is different.
I do think that addiction has the potential and ability to break up my family. I live with that fear. I also don't think my love is special or that me and him have something magical. He is my kids father and we have very compatible personalities so we are able to relax and chill together.
I do worry about what affects a divorce will have on my kids.
I think sometimes it takes more strength to walk away than it would to stay.

KeepinItReal

Glitter - I have kicked my AH out. Especially in the very beginning of my sobriety while I was pregnant with our son. I had to do what was best for me and my children and he had to go. We were separated for almost a year. I kicked him out when I was 4 months pregnant and then he went to jail when the baby was 2 weeks old. Then the letters started. So, when he got out of jail 4-5 months later I paid for him to go half way across the USA to get away from me. We talked over the phone.

glitterdeva

Have you ever had to call police on him? The thing is, AH DOESN'T LEAVE. I mean I kicked him out and he would either break in or be gone for a day or so and then get in or just walk in. If I left with the kids, I come back he is in bed sick. I threatened with police once and he said - go ahead call it! As he knows I won't. But in reality, I mean this is what I will have to do because he is not really giving me any choice. And this is f-p because you just don't call cops on ppl you love. I was raised in this mentality.

I personally would leave. Leave my husband and kids if I was shooting up. I would either die or try to get clean. I did get clean, so it's possible. I am sitting here almost can't breathe, because what do I do? I am not afraid to be alone. AH been in jail, 2 years I did it alone. I did it alone when he was in rehab. I can do this. I got this. As long as I am sober, I got this.

My dream is that he will go to detox and then do 90 inpatient and then do a year long program and commit to sobriety. But you know...

KeepinItReal

I have called the police on him but to tell the police hes a danger in order to get him violated and in jail. It worked. I learned that if hes on the lease I have to bring him to court. Thank god it didnt get that far. He left when I pushed hard enough. Then I moved and got him off my lease. Hes on paper not living with me in case I want him out. My ah has stolen from me for drugs so if it started again.... the insanity... I would make him leave. He knows im seriou bc I have followed through before. This is why he did 4 months in rehab.

glitterdeva

Thank you for sharing this. I feel stronger and confident in my decision. His insanity is going to kill me otherwise. His mom offered him place to live until he goes to treatment, so did his brother. He has choices and he can chose to live. This is the most difficult decision I ever had to make.