AlexEmk

This message board has been a real salute to me...

I tried many many many times before, to quit drinking of course, and I always ended up the same way... after 3-4 days sober, sometimes even a week or two... I think I did 1 month at one time... I was back into my old habits, detroying myself and my life slowly with this poison...

I'm back to this board to read on your stories again, to give my opinion on some stuff, to hang around... because this desire to drink is back with a vengeancepretty bad these days!

Heading for my 5 months sober anniversary... on the 20th of march... Then 6th month around my 38th birthday... and I want to keep myself sober for the rest of my life! That's for sure...

I don't know why it's getting hard these days?!? Stress? Boring steady life? I don't know...

All I know is that the devil inside of me wants to get out and I have a hard time at keeping him silent inside of me...

I try to componsate with physical activities, I've always been a gym freak and a runner... but I componsated so much lately and I got a little injured and I need to slack it off for a little while...

My demons are yelling, I want to do other drugs, ecstacy and GHB have always been my favorites... but I know that the desire to drink will be unbearable when high so I don't... Just because of that I don't... I want to get back on to steroids (last time I did a cycle was 12 years ago for some bodybuilding show!) and it's calling me lately... it's calling hard! All ways that the demons can find to make myself off the tracks and sabotage my health... they take it... they know my weaknesses...

I find ways to occupy myself, I find strenght on this board, I talk a lot about it to my girlfriend who understands it all, I find confort into my parent life (man, if I didn't had kids, I think I would be a serious mess!!)

I'm a junky, I have this extreme ''all-in or all-out'' type of personality, I get hooked on things pretty badly and intensly...

Will I change one day? Or will I struggle like this all my life?

Anyways, thank you for listening and you all have a very good sober day!

Treerat66

Hi AlexEmk, good luck for your five months.

SoberLeigh

AlexEmk, glad you came here to talk about your thoughts.

Maybe, try really delving into SR for a while; read, post, respond. Get reacquainted with the experience and hell of starting over by helping others in Newcomers; it is a great place to remind yourself 'from whence you came' and why you don't want to go back. Helping the Newcomers is a great way to 'get out of yourself' and silence your AV.

I found that my AV got nosier when I was doing well; I think that it was feeling threatened and trying to give one last chance at my will. The 4-5 month mark was difficult for me, too. Don't give in; the best is yet to come.

MariahGayle

Fabulous on 5 months Alex......I find hope in others here who have significant time in sobriety, that it does "let up" with time. Your doing great!!

anattaboy

5 months is great! It does get better and trudging uphill so-to-speak is part of it. All of the reasons I ran are right here now (plus) and I can only deal with what I can now (feels like a minus). Walking up the mountain is tiring (I'm tired right now too at nearly 9 months) but looking back, I've gained so much strength from the uphill marches I know I will make it through this one. I'm sure you will too. extra sleep helps--plan for it.

PurpleKnight

5 Months is fantastic Alex!!

Dee74

5 months is great Alex.

For me it was all about the void. The Void lies within me.
I spent decades trying to fill it...nothing worked.

Learning to heal the void had produced some pretty amazing results tho.

For me it's been about service to others. finding out weho I am sober, and working out what sober me needs for a happy life, and going for it.

I drank and drugged to escape my life. There's no need to do that when you have a life you love to live

Sounds like you might be ready for a phase two as well?

D