Safe to say I've fallen off the wagon....
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Safe to say I've fallen off the wagon....
and I don't know how to find the resolve to fix it!
I drank last night after fighting with myself for days not to... my excuses are feeble. I'm drinking tonight. I drank last Friday and the Friday before. So 4 times.
I don't know if I'm in the right relationship with my man... I'm not fulfilled... it feels convenient rather than "right". I'm lonely... more lonely than I was when I was single.
Work is unstable..... it's union and I'm not full time yet so I don't own a position and I'm on modified because of an injury and I don't know what will happen from one week to the next so I'm always trying to prove myself.
I don't know how to be sober and happy.... there's all this tension and unease... nagging persistant thoughts. And the loneliness is killer.
I don't want to go back to feeding that constant need but I feel like I've already started back down that path..... And I'm scared. It frightens me because it's happening right now.
I drank last night after fighting with myself for days not to... my excuses are feeble. I'm drinking tonight. I drank last Friday and the Friday before. So 4 times.
I don't know if I'm in the right relationship with my man... I'm not fulfilled... it feels convenient rather than "right". I'm lonely... more lonely than I was when I was single.
Work is unstable..... it's union and I'm not full time yet so I don't own a position and I'm on modified because of an injury and I don't know what will happen from one week to the next so I'm always trying to prove myself.
I don't know how to be sober and happy.... there's all this tension and unease... nagging persistant thoughts. And the loneliness is killer.
I don't want to go back to feeding that constant need but I feel like I've already started back down that path..... And I'm scared. It frightens me because it's happening right now.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
You can stop. Just pour out the alcohol and stay on here till it's time to go to bed. After your sleep, you will be more rational. Drinking is not the answer to your problems--it may cause a temporary good feeling, but it enslaves you and brings on a whole host of other problems. Drinking only ultimately makes everything worse.
Plus you'll feel bitter guilt for having failed. Please dump it out! Stop before it turns into a runaway train!
Plus you'll feel bitter guilt for having failed. Please dump it out! Stop before it turns into a runaway train!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
((((((zenchaser))))))))
I hear you. I fell off too, and it was like a little drift at first, and then a giant wave came and washed away every drop of resolve. Almost immediately, I became full of the same old self-doubt, remorse, loneliness. The things I thought were less than stellar while I was sober for 4 months became unbearable. Nothing got better or easier when I picked up again. Not one thing.
Drinking is not the answer to all the things that are bothering you. It is like putting a sack of rocks on your already present sack of rocks. Happy doesn't happen right away, it takes some realization that not drinking in itself is a great thing and such an accomplishment that the other issues get smaller. They don't go away, but they no longer seem unsurmountable. The first step to improving everything else, though, is to stop drinking. No matter how infrequently you are drinking, it distorts everything.
It is time for you to starve that constant need so that it goes away. Pour out whatever you have and start right away. Really think about why you don't want to drink and follow through.
We are all in this together, I'm sure you will get lots of wise advice. I'm pulling for you.
I hear you. I fell off too, and it was like a little drift at first, and then a giant wave came and washed away every drop of resolve. Almost immediately, I became full of the same old self-doubt, remorse, loneliness. The things I thought were less than stellar while I was sober for 4 months became unbearable. Nothing got better or easier when I picked up again. Not one thing.
Drinking is not the answer to all the things that are bothering you. It is like putting a sack of rocks on your already present sack of rocks. Happy doesn't happen right away, it takes some realization that not drinking in itself is a great thing and such an accomplishment that the other issues get smaller. They don't go away, but they no longer seem unsurmountable. The first step to improving everything else, though, is to stop drinking. No matter how infrequently you are drinking, it distorts everything.
It is time for you to starve that constant need so that it goes away. Pour out whatever you have and start right away. Really think about why you don't want to drink and follow through.
We are all in this together, I'm sure you will get lots of wise advice. I'm pulling for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,021
Pour it out. You can drag this out or cut it off clean. It's easier to cut it off clean.
Pour it out, go to bed, and make a plan tomorrow for baby steps -- I suggest you start with the loneliness, by getting yourself some face-to-face support, or more if you already have some.
But no steps until tomorrow. For now, just pour out the booze & go to bed.
Pour it out, go to bed, and make a plan tomorrow for baby steps -- I suggest you start with the loneliness, by getting yourself some face-to-face support, or more if you already have some.
But no steps until tomorrow. For now, just pour out the booze & go to bed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,840
As Gilmer, Viking and courage have already suggested, pouring it out now is the way to go.
Drinking doesn't make anything better in our lives; it only adds to our problems and makes resolution all the more difficult.
Drink plenty of water and head off to bed.
As always, we are here for you.
Drinking doesn't make anything better in our lives; it only adds to our problems and makes resolution all the more difficult.
Drink plenty of water and head off to bed.
As always, we are here for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I have so many reasons not to... it's part of the inner fight. The money of mostly not drinking for 2 months is piling up... I look way better... work is better, despite my feelings of instability the crew I work with makes sure I stay in the fold, my kids are happy I'm present for them and so am I. So why am I picking again? Why isn't it enough to keep me sober? Why do I need to drink?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
You won't find your Zen by using alcohol, Zenchaser...
Thanks for sharing Viking. It reminded me of how terrible a cycle alcohol was to be in, despite the instant gratification and temporary bravado it brought. I hope you can adjust your sails, Zenchaser. I think you will...
Originally Posted by VikingGF 
I hear you. I fell off too, and it was like a little drift at first, and then a giant wave came and washed away every drop of resolve. Almost immediately, I became full of the same old self-doubt, remorse, loneliness. The things I thought were less than stellar while I was sober for 4 months became unbearable. Nothing got better or easier when I picked up again. Not one thing.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Originally Posted by zenchaser
I have so many reasons not to... it's part of the inner fight. The money of mostly not drinking for 2 months is piling up... I look way better... work is better, despite my feelings of instability the crew I work with makes sure I stay in the fold, my kids are happy I'm present for them and so am I. So why am I picking again? Why isn't it enough to keep me sober? Why do I need to drink?
cos you've got other things in your life that look pretty daunting/scary to fix, and rather than facing that, you've fallen back on an crutch?
D
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
The name makes sense so then 
All I can say about that your drinking- I'm not going to repeat whats been said about pouring it out (I know if it was me drinking, I would never do that)
But. Looks like its creeping back in, it was the last couple of Fridays, now we are here on a Thursday! So more beer tomorrow is it? Think about that in the morning maybe
All I can say about that your drinking- I'm not going to repeat whats been said about pouring it out (I know if it was me drinking, I would never do that)
But. Looks like its creeping back in, it was the last couple of Fridays, now we are here on a Thursday! So more beer tomorrow is it? Think about that in the morning maybe
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Yeah I need to learn how to live sober with the pain and uncertainty and the regret and the unfulfillment or woman up and do something about it.
Btw I'm not drunk... I only had a few drinks... I have my wits about me and I've stopped drinking... I only bought a few... it's not the quantity it's that I'm falling back. I thought about walking to get more but logged on here instead.
Getting sober is not enough... I need to figure out how to do it and be ok with it. To lose that need to always feel like whatever is happening is not enough... like something is always missing.
Btw I'm not drunk... I only had a few drinks... I have my wits about me and I've stopped drinking... I only bought a few... it's not the quantity it's that I'm falling back. I thought about walking to get more but logged on here instead.
Getting sober is not enough... I need to figure out how to do it and be ok with it. To lose that need to always feel like whatever is happening is not enough... like something is always missing.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,406
Originally Posted by zenchaser
Getting sober is not enough... I need to figure out how to do it and be ok with it. To lose that need to always feel like whatever is happening is not enough... like something is always missing.
I am only now coming around to being ok for TODAY and letting what comes come. My fear and emptiness were driving me back to the wine for years and years and years. It was only after coming here and being brutally honest and getting some amazing insight from our friends that I realized I was grasping at a straw that was not there! I was reaching for something to make me feel better and all it did was make things worse. It was an illusion, and I fell for it over and over and over.
Stop looking at what's missing and look at what you have. Find the good parts and really concentrate on them. They are there. I promise.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Zen, you simply must not give up because this disease is relentless. Have faith that you will be able to learn to live your life as a sober person. It takes time and I know it's not easy, but I also know that you can do it.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Originally Posted by VikingGF
You sound JUST LIKE ME.
I am only now coming around to being ok for TODAY and letting what comes come. My fear and emptiness were driving me back to the wine for years and years and years. It was only after coming here and being brutally honest and getting some amazing insight from our friends that I realized I was grasping at a straw that was not there! I was reaching for something to make me feel better and all it did was make things worse. It was an illusion, and I fell for it over and over and over.
Stop looking at what's missing and look at what you have. Find the good parts and really concentrate on them. They are there. I promise.
I am only now coming around to being ok for TODAY and letting what comes come. My fear and emptiness were driving me back to the wine for years and years and years. It was only after coming here and being brutally honest and getting some amazing insight from our friends that I realized I was grasping at a straw that was not there! I was reaching for something to make me feel better and all it did was make things worse. It was an illusion, and I fell for it over and over and over.
Stop looking at what's missing and look at what you have. Find the good parts and really concentrate on them. They are there. I promise.
That's the crazy thing. I have so many blessings. I have a ton of things to be grateful for. Maybe I'm greedy.
Anna faith faith faith sister. You're right. I need to find my faith.
I'm going to go to bed... as Scarlett O'Hara said tomorrow is another day.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Well I'm right there with you on that. I have those exact same feelings pretty much.
It's good that you've only had a couple and not an all out relapse. I did that a few times last year, a few craft beers here and there I was pondering if I could drink in moderation or not.
It led to an all out blackout though, I'm still paying the bill off for damage done and I have a new 6 inch scar to remind me of that. Well done for not getting more, I know what the dilemma is like.
I still think about beer sometimes but it's reading comments like Vikingf's above that help me to frame those thoughts correctly. As for the fulfillment aspect, yep same here. It was worse drunk though.
I'm hoping that as others say the more sober time they got behind them, the more their life started to improve and eventually there were no issues anymore, they were able to embrace a sober life to the max.
I tend to believe that. Well personally, thats where my faith is at right now. Rootin' for ya here.
It's good that you've only had a couple and not an all out relapse. I did that a few times last year, a few craft beers here and there I was pondering if I could drink in moderation or not.
It led to an all out blackout though, I'm still paying the bill off for damage done and I have a new 6 inch scar to remind me of that. Well done for not getting more, I know what the dilemma is like.
I still think about beer sometimes but it's reading comments like Vikingf's above that help me to frame those thoughts correctly. As for the fulfillment aspect, yep same here. It was worse drunk though.
I'm hoping that as others say the more sober time they got behind them, the more their life started to improve and eventually there were no issues anymore, they were able to embrace a sober life to the max.
I tend to believe that. Well personally, thats where my faith is at right now. Rootin' for ya here.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by zenchaser
Why do I need to drink?
Where a lot of us get hung up is with the acceptance. Accepting that returning to drinking will always lead to alcohlic drinking. It's a tough thing to admit, but the alternative is far worse.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Did drinking solve all of those things? . . . I'd guess probably not!!
Drinking didn't made me happy, and likewise Sobriety on it's own didn't make me happy, I was simply left with a lot of time on my hands, with no interests and a feeling of is this it!!
But Sobriety was a great foundation to build a life upon, but I needed to sit down and think about what I now wanted to do with my life, and like not drinking, make it happen with action!!
You can do this!!
Drinking didn't made me happy, and likewise Sobriety on it's own didn't make me happy, I was simply left with a lot of time on my hands, with no interests and a feeling of is this it!!
But Sobriety was a great foundation to build a life upon, but I needed to sit down and think about what I now wanted to do with my life, and like not drinking, make it happen with action!!
You can do this!!
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