Fate2012

It's been 2 months since I threw my AH out and I am still a mess. He has a girlfriend (from NA) and just moved along without a second thought.
This just kills me inside that he tossed me and our babies aside for that. I don't know for sure if he is using, I do know that he is drinking so bad things are probably not far behind.
I have started the paperwork for divorce so he should be getting served in the next few weeks.
This just hurts so bad, I hate that my family has been ripped to shreds and that jerk only thinks about himself and what makes him happy.
How do you get through this pain? I hate crying all the time. How did you guys get over the hump and start feeling better?

allmirages

Fate, I am so sorry for your pain. And, I agree, it seems as though they go about their lives without a second thought about those that stood by them. But, we have to remember, they are sick people; mentally, physically and spiritually. And, it is not personal. I still get upset, cry, get angry, you name it. Every day is an emotional rollercoaster. I just got cut off...no reason given. It's really, really hard to accept, but I have to. I've played out all the different scenarios why he did that but the fact is, I will never know. Life goes on for us...just as it does them. We have to focus on getting OUR lives back, getting ourselves healthy.

So to answer your question, how to get over the hump.. I'm not there yet, but I've attended a few Alanon meetings and it helps to give me perspective that I have to focus on me...I am the only one I can control. I also write in a journal on a daily basis. It helps me get my feelings out of my head. We do feel your pain and are here for support. I keep reading that it will get better and it gives me hope that this pain will pass. Wishing you and your babies warm hugs! Please hang in there!

Fate2012

Allmirages,

Thank you SO much for writing back. It's very comforting to receive feedback. I'm just having a rough day. Going through this divorce process has my emotions all over the place. I don't want to get a divorce but I don't and can't live like this either. I deserved to be loved and treated with respect and fidelity. It's just so hard at times.

OpioPhobe

Fate - I am on the 'other side of the fence' if you will (recovering H addict), but I pop over here from time to time. I also have a wife and children. Normally, I am the non-judgmental voice, but this behavior you are describing is just beyond reprehensible. To be honest, I don't think those actions have anything to do with addiction. It is just low-life behavior from someone that is morally bankrupt and lacking in character in every way. Abandoning one's family for some skirt from NA...I don't even have words for it. I am sorry for your loss. Hopefully, you will be able to insulate your children from this person going forward. There are a lot of addicts that still get up in the morning, report to a job, provide for their family, and honor their vows. If he ever comes crawling back talking about how he is able to stay clean thanks to NA...blah, blah, blah...I wouldn't listen to a word of it. These actions cannot be pawned off on being a 'sick' addict.

This is just my 2 cents.

pacificsunrise

Fate

so sorry for your situation. I can feel your pain. I don't have a magic fix, but I do know that it takes time to start feeling better and that is ok.

it has been almost 4 yrs since I left my AH and I still get worked up over him "moving on". so I can't really give good advice on speeding up the process. I do know though that I am doing much better now than I did at the beginning and definitely better than I would have if I had stayed.

not sure what is the message I'm trying to get out, but wanted to tell you that you are not alone. we understand. take care of yourself and your babies.

hugs and prayers

zoso77

I hate saying this, but you're right. You're 100% right.

With that established, though, take a step back and look at him and his behavior through the prism of addiction and alcoholism. When you do, I bet you understand that he's simply behaving the way someone like that would behave. Addiction is an incredibly self-centered, self-seeking state of existence. It's a state where responsibility and accountability simply don't exist.

As for him and the new girl he met in NA, when that blows up, and it will, it will be because two sick people have a sick relationship with no terra firma under their feet. It's all about the pleasure center in their brains. Once that fades and they need to be responsible partners, that party's over.

There's no silver bullet. There are no short cuts. The one thing I did after my relationship with my AXGF ended was simply tell myself I was going to get through it. I accepted that, for a time, things were going to suck. And they did. But I never personalized how my AXGF behaved because she was sick. Sick people behave in sick ways. So I just went about my life. And that's what you'll have to do, too.

Just be patient with yourself. Don't put a timeline on healing. You'll heal according to your own schedule. In the meantime, do a lot of self care. Maybe do things you enjoy that you haven't done for a while. Spend time with your kids. And at some point, you'll be OK.

Firefall

I was not strong like Zoso. I fought, I wiggled, I squirmed like a bug caught in a web. I broke free angry and distraught that I was free!! Until I finally realized that was what I needed, then I went nuts cleaning up my life fast as I could, so that I would not go back.to that web.

Point is everyone has to do it their own way.

Hope7726

Fate, I can relate to your feelings. My AXBF relapsed and took off 4 months ago. No one saw or heard from him for seven weeks. When his mom finally found him he had no remorse, no desire to get help, no nothing. He abandoned everyone and everything in his life for drugs. After having stood by him through the shock of discovering his addiction, and all of the lies and manipulations, I was devastated that it ended that way. They say not to take it personally but you can't help it sometimes.

What has helped me has been educating myself about addiction, attending Nar-Anon, therapy, journaling, coming here, and most of all, time. I feel a hell of a lot better than I did 4 months ago but I still get sad. I still cry sometimes. I still get angry and I still ask myself how in the world this all happened. I remind myself that I DO NOT want a drug-addicted partner and I am better off without this person.

I am sorry for your pain. It hurts like hell and I know him having a girlfriend, or whatever she is, rubs salt in the wound. But that is NOT a relationship. She is not your replacement. It's not even about you. Addiction is not about anyone but the addict. Sadly, your AH can't see past his own selfish desires and realize the damage he is doing. It's not something we can truly understand as non-addicts, that's why all we can do is educate ourselves about addiction and it what it does to the brain.

Please be good to yourself and seek the fellowship of Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I promise you won't always feel this way!