What does this mean?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Warwick, RI
Posts: 193
What does this mean?
I messaged my friend on FB and told him I'm quitting again and no reply. I texted my other friend and asked why if I don't call him he doesn't call me. He told me he is giving me the space I require. I asked what does that mean and his reply was it's what you don't say that is revealing to me. I was with him Friday and he knows I started drinking again but didn't know I quit again.
To me this is a total lack of support, can anyone offer any opinion as to what this means?
To me this is a total lack of support, can anyone offer any opinion as to what this means?
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Dave,
I can't read others minds, but in essence I think your friends want you to get help. Have you considered any face to face support outside of SR? For me, this helps a lot being around others with a common problem and helps with feelings of loneliness.
Perhaps it's time to consider some additional support??
You're friend surely care about you, but actions and not words or intentions garners support from others many times. Maybe they have to see some change.....??!?
Glad you're here with us
I can't read others minds, but in essence I think your friends want you to get help. Have you considered any face to face support outside of SR? For me, this helps a lot being around others with a common problem and helps with feelings of loneliness.
Perhaps it's time to consider some additional support??
You're friend surely care about you, but actions and not words or intentions garners support from others many times. Maybe they have to see some change.....??!?
Glad you're here with us
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by daveycrockett 
To me this is a total lack of support...
This recovery journey is yours. Let your friends be your friends, not your support. That's what AA can provide...from people who have been where you are.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Braintree
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by daveycrockett
I messaged my friend on FB and told him I'm quitting again and no reply. I texted my other friend and asked why if I don't call him he doesn't call me. He told me he is giving me the space I require. I asked what does that mean and his reply was it's what you don't say that is revealing to me. I was with him Friday and he knows I started drinking again but didn't know I quit again.
To me this is a total lack of support, can anyone offer any opinion as to what this means?
To me this is a total lack of support, can anyone offer any opinion as to what this means?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
it may not "mean" anything.
here's one thing i can imagine, though: they might be getting mixed messages. you drink, you quit. you drink again, you quit again.
they might not understand how that "works", or they might just want to keep some distance until you sort out which way you're going.
they might be able to be supportive when they see you following a path for a while.
these are all guesses Davey. which isn't really useful to you, but the best anyone can do without knowing you all.
here's one thing i can imagine, though: they might be getting mixed messages. you drink, you quit. you drink again, you quit again.
they might not understand how that "works", or they might just want to keep some distance until you sort out which way you're going.
they might be able to be supportive when they see you following a path for a while.
these are all guesses Davey. which isn't really useful to you, but the best anyone can do without knowing you all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: California
Posts: 87
What I found is none of my friends understand AA, and watched too many episodes of the show Intervention. They pulled that "I'm cutting off communication" thing but once they saw I had stopped drinking and was working a program they came around.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
They've probably heard it before. I took some pleasure in proving them wrong! The "proving 'em wrong" was a win-win for everyone involved.
It just takes time. Use us as your support. My only goals in early sobriety were going to work and not drinking. I used this site as my support. I didn't even really tell anyone I was stopping.
It just takes time. Use us as your support. My only goals in early sobriety were going to work and not drinking. I used this site as my support. I didn't even really tell anyone I was stopping.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Warwick, RI
Posts: 193
Define support? I know what the definition of support is in the dictionary. But for addicts maybe the word support isn't the right word but it is all over the internet. This is just the first thing I searched for:
1) Be curious and ask questions. Some of my dearest friends are the ones who have just come out and asked what I need from them (if anything), in relation to my sobriety. Sometimes I just need them to know that I am a sober person in recovery. An addict trying to pose as a “normie” is a lonely, miserable addict just waiting to slip up.
Sometimes we need actual support, and it’s nice to know the door is open for that conversation. When a friend is willing to ask questions, it shows that he or she cares, isn’t freaked out, and isn’t making assumptions.
1) Be curious and ask questions. Some of my dearest friends are the ones who have just come out and asked what I need from them (if anything), in relation to my sobriety. Sometimes I just need them to know that I am a sober person in recovery. An addict trying to pose as a “normie” is a lonely, miserable addict just waiting to slip up.
Sometimes we need actual support, and it’s nice to know the door is open for that conversation. When a friend is willing to ask questions, it shows that he or she cares, isn’t freaked out, and isn’t making assumptions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Warwick, RI
Posts: 193
I started drinking at 18
Drank for 12 years on and off heavily: Sober for 10 years.
Drank moderately and heavy for 10 years: Sober for 2 years.
Drank for 2 years: Sober for 5 weeks.
Drank for 5 weeks: Sober for 5 days.
I am 54. When I started drinking at 18 it was like all the rest of my friends, and in that first 12 years there was binge drinking but also there were lengths of time where I was a bodybuilder and into martial arts also. This is my best estimates. So since 18 I drank for 24 years and sober for 12 years. No one knew I was an alcoholic until recently. And my friend of 45 years is a recovered alcoholic, but he does drink sometimes now.
Drank for 12 years on and off heavily: Sober for 10 years.
Drank moderately and heavy for 10 years: Sober for 2 years.
Drank for 2 years: Sober for 5 weeks.
Drank for 5 weeks: Sober for 5 days.
I am 54. When I started drinking at 18 it was like all the rest of my friends, and in that first 12 years there was binge drinking but also there were lengths of time where I was a bodybuilder and into martial arts also. This is my best estimates. So since 18 I drank for 24 years and sober for 12 years. No one knew I was an alcoholic until recently. And my friend of 45 years is a recovered alcoholic, but he does drink sometimes now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Davey, besides the things that were mentioned on this thread, I think it's also good to consider that people can have many different interests and commitments, and sometimes get busy with other things for a while. I think most of us in early recovery are quite desperate and restless, wanting to cling onto something or someone. I certainly did (here on SR). Many of us really crave attention, and get anxious and uneasy when it's taken away or interrupted for a while. Start imagining all sorts of scenarios about our friends and supporters, that perhaps they got mad at us, or bored, or whatever. But attention is just not sustainable continuously, without breaks and with all the many things we have ongoing in our lives, in healthy relationships.
I would just leave him alone for a while an try to find the support you need elsewhere... here on SR, in meetings, anything else you can come up with. Then if no contact for a longer period of time, maybe ask if there is a reason for it, try to talk about it.
Thinking too much about what others are thinking and doing can drive us crazy really. This is only one reason why it's good to have a support system that consists of a variety of sources so we won't overwhelm one or a few people all the time. I'm talking from experience here, have been on both sides of the construct, and both can be challenging. Again, remember that friendships just need separate space and time (and downtime) just as much as we need attention and connection. Not even doctors, AA sponsors, parents, spouses (etc etc) can be available at all times simply because we are not machines. It really does not necessarily mean that there is any problem in the relationship or they doubt you!
I've personally had a few pretty close, mutually curious, supportive and valuable "recovery connections" and friendships, and they all tend to be somewhat cyclical. Periods of intense communication with periods of silence. It does not mean rejection!
I would just leave him alone for a while an try to find the support you need elsewhere... here on SR, in meetings, anything else you can come up with. Then if no contact for a longer period of time, maybe ask if there is a reason for it, try to talk about it.
Thinking too much about what others are thinking and doing can drive us crazy really. This is only one reason why it's good to have a support system that consists of a variety of sources so we won't overwhelm one or a few people all the time. I'm talking from experience here, have been on both sides of the construct, and both can be challenging. Again, remember that friendships just need separate space and time (and downtime) just as much as we need attention and connection. Not even doctors, AA sponsors, parents, spouses (etc etc) can be available at all times simply because we are not machines. It really does not necessarily mean that there is any problem in the relationship or they doubt you!
I've personally had a few pretty close, mutually curious, supportive and valuable "recovery connections" and friendships, and they all tend to be somewhat cyclical. Periods of intense communication with periods of silence. It does not mean rejection!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Warwick, RI
Posts: 193
I have another long time friend who is the most supportive but we are not in a good relationship right now and has nothing to do with drinking. But when I was dealing with some of my toughest times he always asked if I needed anything or just call to see how things are going or stop by with some food, things like that. That is what I mean by support when related to addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Warwick, RI
Posts: 193
I know it is difficult for others and you are right people don't know what to say or say the wrong thing. But saying something supportive as simple as good glad to hear that means a lot to me. Because I have been there for them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Make new friends here, Davey. What worked best for me in my first ~2 sober months: connecting with people at a similar stage of their sobriety, so we all had the restlessness, minds all over the map, the craving for interaction (just like craving alcohol really), and all sorts of relevant stuff we could discuss. Hundreds of people to choose from Or if you need f2f, go to meetings. No shortness of support in these environments and I think the novelty is very good in recovery.
Or if you need f2f, go to meetings. No shortness of support in these environments and I think the novelty is very good in recovery.
New Life Sober
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Hi Davey, welcome to SR!!
I wouldn't worry about what he said, it could be just he cant give you support you need like SR can or other services can. Maybe, he just want you to find the help you need by yourself and work on you.
You just need to commit your ready to get help. This forum will give you that just type away and you might actually be surprise it works.
Good luck on your journey
I wouldn't worry about what he said, it could be just he cant give you support you need like SR can or other services can. Maybe, he just want you to find the help you need by yourself and work on you.
You just need to commit your ready to get help. This forum will give you that just type away and you might actually be surprise it works.
Good luck on your journey
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