Sad_Hazeleyes

"This is where I have to turn things around...

I hate that I don't know how to have fun.
Therefore, I have to learn how to have fun.

I hate that I have trouble letting good people into my life and letting go of bad people.
Therefore, I have to make more room for the good people, and less room for the bad people.

I hate feeling different.
Therefore, I have to learn to love myself and appreciate the value that I contribute to the world.

I hate feeling inferior.
Therefore, I have to realize that there is an abiding goodness in me that shines outward.

I hate that I have had to deal with alcoholism even though I have never been drunk.
Therefore, I will accept it as a disease and stop resenting it's presence in my life.

I hate that I don't have the courage to go to a face to face meeting because I feel so socially inept.
Therefore, I will have faith instead of fear and go to a meeting anyway, because it will be good for me.

I hate that I know that I have the strength to change but I don't know where to start.
Therefore, I will trust that knowledge that I have the strength to start, and start anyway."

All those things sound wonderful, just change them around, and make them positive. But sometimes saying it is one thing, but believing it is a totally different story. I am going to try something new that was suggested to me about a month ago. For every negative thought, I need to try to replace it with two positive ones. This is going to be quite a challenge for me, but I am going to try really hard all next week to see if I can do it.

I thought that going to that ftf meeting caused me to spiral down, because I went to a meeting where they were discussing the 6th step. How am I supposed to give it to God/my HP, if I was ANGRY with HIM?! I did not want to have ANYTHING to do with HIM! HE let me down, BIG time!! Ooooooo...I was so d*mn ANGRY with HIM! I turned my back on HIM, and lost all my trust and faith in HIM!

See for many years, I had so much faith in God. I loved and trusted HIM. I even trusted and believed that GOD would Heal my mother from Her terminal illness. I saw many miracles that had taken place in my past, and I just had faith that HE would give me this miracle too. Even when my Mom feared that she would not be around to see Her grandchildren grow up, I told Her, "NO Mom! I have FAITH in God that He will take care of you, please don't think that way." But when HE took her from me, I lost ALL my faith! I stop trusting, I was angry, and I wanted HIM out of my life! HE took someone who I needed dearly, and I was not willing to let HIM back into my life… YET!

When I joined this forum, I started ending my replies and post with God bless and I will pray for you, etc., but if I didn’t have faith or believe that HE even existed anymore, the words were just words; they didn’t mean anything, right? Sure it sounded nice in my posts, but they were meaningless.

But guess what guys? A light bulb went on today, and I have a very STRONG feeling that God led me to that meeting for a reason. He allowed me to go through my DEEPEST, DARKEST HOURS (He allowed me to fall, attempt suicide) in order for me to realize that I really did need HIM in my life.

On Wednesday, I became very apathetic, and just wanted the PAIN to GO AWAY! It took a VERY selfish act, on my part, for God to show me that He is and has always been there for me, but I had to be willing to let Him back into my life and start listening to Him again. He was there. He never left me. I pushed Him away, and I did not want to listen to Him.

I have seen so many miracles happen this past week in my life. It was a Miracle that I had total strangers care enough to try to talk me out of the attempt, it was a Miracle that someone from this group cared enough to call my Internet provider, and they were able to trace my IP address, and called the police so I could get the help I needed, it was a Miracle when I started hearing others like me share their experiences and I didn't feel isolated and alone anymore, and it was a Miracle that I am alive today to write this post! Yes, God gave me many miracles this week. All I had to do was trust in Him/my HP and allow Him back into my life again. I honestly did not know if I ever would trust or believe in God again, but today I BELIEVE!

Hazeleyes... a little more sparkle today.


There are many watching over me.

2dayzmuse

Sad_Hazeleyes

((((2dayz))))))

Thank you so much for trying to encourage me to seek help. You and the others showed me a lot of compassion and love that day, and it has really touched my heart. Of course, that day my mind and heart were not in the right place, but today I feel truly blessed. Again, thanks so much for you help.

Hazeleyes

In memory of miracle

You are a miracle ...

Ann

Hazeleyes

I too think that you are a miracle, and am glad you are still with us. I had a time in my life where I was very angry with God too, and turned my back for a while.

What I learned was that often what I saw as an obstacle today, later turned out to be a gift. For most of the pain that I went through in my life, there was a gift at the other side, sometimes a gift of a lesson, or of gratitude, or of seeing things more clearly. Sometimes the situation that I cursed made me take a different path in my life, and the gift was that the new path was the right one for me. I learned that God's plan for me was a good plan, no matter how many times I screwed it up. And I learned to sometimes just allow myself to be led.

The darkness you walked through this past week will also bring you a gift, it sounds like it already has.

Hugs
Ann

Gooch

awesome post hazel ...

how do we just change? certainly not an easy thing when we have a habitual manner of responding certain ways.

"I cannot think my way to better actions, but I can act my way to better thinking"

I've heard that since I came around. For the life of me I couldn't understand it, because I have always belived that thought preceded action. Suppose I am thirsty and I want to pick up a glass of water and bring it to my lips? I have to think about it first right? Thats the logical process that got in my way of understanding what they were talking about.

If I think about going to a meeting too long I might not do it. If I just go to a meeting without thinking about it, I begin a pattern of repitition that begins to create a new habitual manner in my life. Just do it! little by little .. I can incorporate more and more of those reversals in my attitude.

Thats why my sponsor used to tell me " you know that sign at meetings that says think think think? Not you.. lol "

This week has been filled with miracles. Glad you shared your miracle with us.

Sad_Hazeleyes

I agree, but I think all of you played a big part in that miracle, and I am truly grateful.