hopenlove15

Hello! I've been on here before and sadly I'm back again seeking for advice from people who might understand where I'm coming from. Just like most of you who are on here im stuck in a rut with my addicted partner and I'm at my whits end. I never knew being in love with an addict would have ever happened to me or that it would ever be this hard and such a roller coaster. I'm in my mid 20's and I've been dating my addict boyfriend since we were 18. He started out taking pills recreationally and moved into a spiraling drug addiction with prescription pills and we broke up for a year and got back together after he had gone to treatment and was off of pills. After 2 years of being together and spending so much time together his drinking became a problem and he was keeping a new cocaine addiction from me. It wasn't untill a year later I became aware of the problem and told him I would not tolerate it and after many attempts of him saying he didn't have a problem and that he would quit he finally woke up one day and broke down to me and told me everything and wanted to seek help so he admitted himself into rehab for his alcoholism and cocaine problem. As if that wasn't hard enough, I was very weary when he got out and was trying to be as supportive as I could. For months he never drank and I thought he was doing well now that he wasn't drinking or doing cocaine anymore. Of coarse, he thought it was still appropriate to smoke weed, but I didn't fight that as long as he wasn't doing the other stuff. I was hopeful and happy that maybe things would work out the way I always wished they would and after 6 months things almost turned for the worst. He moved into my house and I started noticing that he was talking to all of the sketchy friends he used to do drugs with and then I caught him selling pills so I knew it was bad. His attitude changed and he was hardly sleeping and he was always running around doing something and his attitude was always on edge and very agitated. I knew something was up because he was acting so cold, mean and distant. After a bad argument that we got into and after him telling me hated me I found out that he was using meth. So as I've mentioned He's literally gone down the list of drugs n has become addicted to and now he was using meth, a drug I never in my life could imagine him doing. Things just spiraled out of control and he was literally going through a drug psychosis and not acting like the man I love. Again, I set boundaries with him and told him I would not tolerate that behavior untill he got help. His family and I basically had an intervention with him and told him we wouldn't have anything to do with him if he continued down the path he was going so he agreed he would go get help. He checked into rehab and we were all as supportive as would could and we always have been. Now we're 2 months out of rehab and I've caught him with crystal twice and his brother walked in on him smoking. He's explained to me that he doesn't want to do it, and he's trying as hard as he can to stop but he isn't actively going to meeting, nor does he have a sponsor and he doesn't see a therapist. I'm tired of it. I love him to death and I'm literally terrified that he Is going to die. I'm frustrated, I'm sad and I don't know what to do anymore. I've started attending ALANON and it was great to be around people who understood what it was like to go through what im going through. It's awful, it's sad and it's so frustrating, but I know that I need to focus on myself and not him anymore. I kicked him out of my house on Saturday and I told him that im keeping my distance bc as long as he continues to do drugs I can't have that In my life. I'm sick of catching him and literally breaking my heart. I'm scared of moving on and I'm scared that if I leave him he will die. I think apart of me always hold on to hope and I'm still waiting for the miracle that one day he will be sober and we will be able to live the life that I envision us having. I know im dumb, ignorant and weak, but I love him and this is so not fair. I know he doesn't want to live his life like this, but I'm tired of continuously going through this. Any advice,? I'm holding it together rt now, but im hurting inside and a part of me feels guilty bc he isn't a bad guy. He's an amazing person with a big heart but his life is controlled by drugs. It's horrible and awful and I miss the person that he is.

Firefall

Thank you for sharing. I hope this excerpt from my life will help.

My AMom had gone through rehab 3 times in as many years. I was 30, she was 48. I had rounded up every pill bottle that I found a week after her last rehab. I still remember her standing on my front porch.
We told her she had to make a choice. She could trash her pills, my husband and me would take in into our home and see that she had what she needed, but she would have to give up drugs for good.

She chose the pills. In anger and frustration I threw the bottles in the driveway, cracking open pills flew everywhere. The last time I saw my mother alive was on her knees on the asphalt, hunting each one down.

If your own mom chooses drugs instead of you who can choose another person over the drugs? They can't. They have to choose themselves over the substance, otherwise they become the substance.

Stay strong, we are not responsible for the choices anyone else makes.

Kelslol

I can somewhat relate to you. I'm in my late twenties and married to a man that I didn't know what addicted to pills. He dipped into them when we first started dating (I didn't know that at the time) and now he is 90 days sober. I go through the same feelings and emotions that you do..we just want the person we fell in love with back. I thought when he got clean and sober that life would be so much better, but it's not. He has to learn how to live again since he relied on drugs to help guide him through. I wonder myself if he will ever be his old self, but the more I think about it the more anxiety i get. I started therapy and it seems to be helping me, if u ever thought about it, I encorage u to give it a try! I hope you can figure out what to do! Focus on yourself and making yourself happy right now or else you will go emotionally insane. (I know that's easier said then done)

Firefall

Kelslol...Thank you for your kindness as you are going through the "fire" yourself.

FYI, I have had so much therapy in my life, my last Dr. said I could pass the state boards... grinning

With my RA Sister, It took me 6 years to believe that she will never be the person I hoped she could become, she was 59 when she got straight, but the behaviors are entrenched...
Sober is enough for me with my sister, if it were my husband, just being sober would not be enough.
Just sayin