w9i0zz

I'll start by saying I have never posted in any forum, read plenty for advice and information.
I was recently dumped by my now ex who is an addict (heroin). We went from one day he was moving in and literally the next day going into rehab. He was terrified of losing me, but I had no plans to abandon him during his recovery or anytime after. His rehab was in another state from me, and unfortunately he couldn't make long distance calls. He got out of rehab and simply never called me again. I made several attempts to contact him, yet he didn't answer or respond. Two weeks ago he finally text me to tell me he loved me but couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore!??! I was stuck on stupid!! I couldn't understand why I was being pushed aside.
I never judged him, and proudly would have stood beside him thru hell if needed. Ours wasn't a new relationship, I've read where some recovery programs say no dating during recovery.
I listened to him say several times that no one ever had his back. I did!!
I just can't wrap my head around his reasoning for throwing away the relationship :-(
I am simply trying to understand. I'm hurt, confused and even angry.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step of posting, and my hope is your time here will provide you the comfort and support you need as you're going through this difficult time.

Other members will be by to greet you. Until they do, I have a couple of things I'd like to share.

Well, let's give him the benefit of the doubt for the sake of discussion. Heroin...any opiate really...is extremely difficult to come off of. Extremely difficult. If he's doing what he's supposed to be doing, then all his energy and time is consumed with doing his best to not pick up. And if all his time and energy is consumed with that, then he's not going to have any bandwidth for a romantic relationship.

When we get romantically involved with someone in active addiction, what we're also doing is getting involved with someone who has no chance in meeting our needs in the relationship. We give all our love and support to someone who not only is unavailable emotionally, but is unable to absorb all that love and support.

Our little community is full of women like you who've had their heart broken by an addict. It's a tough thing to accept, someone being in your life one minute, and the next, they're gone. But there is hope for you.

I encourage you to read as many posts as you can stomach. Not only will you see you're not alone, you'll also see that you can survive this, even prosper.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

allmirages

Welcome to SR. I am new to posting, as well, but have been reading the forum for a little over a year. My recovering exBF was a heroin addict, as well. We've known each other since we kids, dated in our 20's and reunited 3 years ago. I didn't know about the addiction until about a year or so in. Anyhow, he recently completed a 90 day IP rehab. Just 6 days later, we had an argument over him lying about something stupid. He blew up at me, said how about "you do you and I will do me". Then said he was going to restart his day and would call me later. Well, it's been a month now, and no word.

Like you, I stood by him when he had no one else. He clung to me while in rehab telling me how I gave him hope since I never left him when everyone else did, he wanted to spend his life with me and was going to give rehab 110% so that he could be the man he needed to be. I visited every single weekend, attended AA meetings with him, gave him all the love and support I could, didn't pressure him about our relationship, gave him space. I don't know what else I could've done.

I made the mistake of checking FB and see that he's going on with his life with all of his "new" sober support from rehab. Referring to them as his "family" thanks them for their love and support, every day...etc. etc. He's busy doing community service (more than the court and sober house requires). I see all these "I love you" comments and think he treats them like gold and I get dismissed like I meant NOTHING. I understand if he needed to work on himself and wanted time to adjust, whatever. But I didn't even get the respect of being told that, instead I got cut out...silent treatment.

So, I completely understand where you are coming from. It hurts, tremendously. I cannot understand it, and frankly, never will. I'm not an addict, they don't think like we do. After all that we've been through, lying, stealing, watching him practically kill himself, and I don't even get a call or text or whatever just saying it's over or he needs time, etc.

I know that it is very hard, but you have come to a really good place. We are here for support and you can vent, ask questions, etc. Just know that you are not alone. I started going to Alanon and it has been helpful. You may find that a support group like that or Naranon would be helpful for you. Please try to take good care of you. Hugs to you!

w9i0zz

Zoso77 thank you for your kind words. My brain realizes this isn't about me, if it would only communicate that with my heart I would be great.
Allmirages thank you also. Just hurts. I'll pick up, I'll move forward. Sad truth is, I feel guilty for being angry, I feel guilty for being selfish, and I feel guilty for making this about me. It's like going thru the grieving stages of death. I lost 3 close family friends to heroin in 2014. So in a sense I'm treating this breakup like the same. A death in my family.
I'll never truly understand.

waitingforhope

You ARE going through the stages of grieve and it's necessary for your well being to experience that. It doesn't make you selfish and there's nothing you've done to earn feeling guilty. Yes whatever he does isn't about you but what you do to help yourself should definitely now be completely about caring for you. Be "selfish" now and loving towards yourself. Be forgiving and gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to value yourself and do what's necessary to accomplish that. Give time the time it needs to help you. Your heart will eventually catch up with your head. It sneaks up on you suddenly where one day you realize and it strikes you that you are in fact healing.

SobRecNYC

Welcome w9i0zz. My partner is a opiate addict, four months into recovery. I know what you're feeling -- he was always the one in our relationship who fought so hard for it. At one point, he blindsided me with a breakup a few days before a couples therapy appointment and I was hurt as he was so cold about it. A week later, he came to me and admitted it was because he had relapsed (3rd time) and didn't want me to know that he had not only relapsed but had made the leap from Oxycodone to IV heroin. We had so much difficulty connecting when his recovery started that things weren't working for me and he didn't even want to have a larger conversation about it; in fact, he seemed "too okay" with it and entirely unaffected, which hurt terribly because, like you, I had been by his side during the lying, using, emotional neglect, etc. Right now, we are trying to work through things again, but I have realized it means I am second to his recovery process so there is little time or attention left for me. I want him to get better, so I am practicing acceptance. Still, I am trying to figure out if I can handle this arrangement. The point is that during using or in recovery, we loyal partners get pushed to the wayside and it hurts, even if we can intellectualize it and know it's not about us. While my partner and I are together now, on most days, I feel like he could give or take the relationship and it could either be because he is focused on getting well (which is great) or about to relapse (which I sometimes sense).

I just joined SR, too, and just perusing the site has been so helpful. I suggest checking out any and all postings by zoso77 and Ann -- they're GOLD. Sending you well wishes.

w9i0zz

Waitingforhope those are the kindest most up lifting words I've heard in a very very long time. I've taken steps to keep from contacting him for any reason. I've basically erased him from my life. I had to just to keep myself sane! Thankfully outside of some of his family members we have no one in common.
I've also looked into support groups, unfortunately nothing is very local to me. I live in a fairly rural community. Actually I was surprised because I have two prisons only ten minutes away.

waitingforhope

That makes me happy that I can have some words of hope for someone. You are doing productive things like coming to us who want to support you, taking steps to not contact him, self awareness, etc........ See that you are stronger than you know.

I live in a rural community too on a farm. The isolation from others can be overwhelming. I have to go out of my way to make sure I have human contact outside of my job so my advice is that even though it's inconvenient and taxing to do so sometimes, make sure you go out and do those things and be with people that give you joy.

irisgardens

Welcome; glad you are here...am relatively new to the forum...although not to alanon with older adult children some years ago, then the realization that I grew up in an alcoholic family...and therapy that helped immensely.

My personal learning over the past 16-20 years has been that I tend to confuse 'need' with 'love' and it breaks down when the addict in my life (whether alcohol or drugs) is in survival mode and needs something or someone else more than they 'need' me.

As zoso said...there are many women here like me...and I am learning to take better care of myself...slow by slow and to understand slow by slow that there is a huge difference between being 'needed' and 'being loved'.

It has been a very slow process...denial has broken down as I have worked my program...and there is much more to deal with...and yet...know that as long as I am dealing with my own recovery...I will become better around many areas...including attachments to those who are not capable of being emotionally available for whatever reason...addiction being one big component.

w9i0zz

I was raised by two alcoholic parents. I spent lengthy amounts of time in alateen. I'm no stranger to addiction, although never became an addict myself. It didn't take more than seeing all those in their own active addiction to know it wasn't anything I wanted to even try. Both my parents are now sober, of course it didn't come until I was an adult, but I'm thankful they are both sober. I had an indepth conversation with my mum about addiction and about my X's addiction and my brother who is an active alcoholic. I was floored to hear her condemn those who choose street drugs rather than alcohol. To her alcoholism is a more acceptable addiction, that I suffered less than if I had been raised by a heroin addict or cocain addict. To her if my brother were a heroin addict she would look at him differently, but instead he's just a "regular" alcoholic. I don't see her logic.
I'm thankful for this forum and the opportunity to read the stories and to tell my own.

waitingforhope

I think your mom's response has more to do with her "residual" shame. That isn't your fault either. Minimizing it is a coping mechanism for not having to acknowledge the impact her drinking had on you. It's not fair to you, but even though she's sober now, she still is and always will be an addict always internally struggling with the thoughts and behaviors characteristic to those who have minimal ability to cope well. Deep inside, she knows alcoholism is just as devastating to people as any other drug.

I'm sorry though she basically made you feel your experiences growing up with her were minimized and tossed off as if it had been no big deal. I don't know that if your brother used other drugs though that she would have the same response she does now to other drugs. My bet is that she'd in fact have the opposite response and in trying to deal with it being her son, she most likely would rationalize that heroin is harder to "beat" and therefore, he would deserve more empathy and understanding. Either way it's enabling and minimizing and she doesn't sound like she's coping well with your brother's drinking.

Try even if it's not every week, to make it to some AA and/or N/A meetings and maybe some counseling. Every little bit counts. Your dealing with a long history of caring for people in addiction. People like us really need that extra support so we don't end up isolated.

w9i0zz

Long, my entire life. Raised by one or the other alcoholic parent who's parents were also alcoholics. Thankfully their addiction didn't cripple me. I've raised two beautiful healthy productive children. I broke the cycle. I've never talked really about it.
I know my mum feels shame, but to her it wasn't that bad. It got really bad, to the point I had to defend myself from her drunken attacks into adulthood. I stopped dealing with her at all for over a year.
It seems there isn't anyone untouched by addiction. You almost need to have a drug and alcohol screening before dating these days. It's not anything I intentionally invite.
This forum has helped tremendously, and I'm also going to look into getting to a meeting. I've been debating on going or not, but I think I really need it. Just being here, it's a relief to know that I don't stand alone.