Al27

My husband is a severe alcoholic and bi-polar. Dang... It's been a rough ride. We have children and a company together. I finally told him he needs to leave, so he went away. It's been a few weeks. Now he is going to rehab. I know he is probably in a shame spiral and doing everything he can to get clean, but I'm still so resentful and angry and hurt.. I'm left picking up all of the pieces.. Work, the kids, the property we live on, unpaid bills, collection agencies... I love him but I'm so mad still. He had a year and a half of sobriety (depressed and despondent the entire time) and then fell off the wagon hard and finally I had enough. ... Dealing with a lot of mixed emotions. He wants to be able to come home after rehab but I just don't know how that will work.. I would love for him to come home the way he used to be, his old self, before the addiction took hold.. but there's been so much damage done. Lots of mixed emotions.

Jane11

Hi Al27,

So sorry to hear that you are in this situation, and all of us here can totally understand the huge mix of emotions having an alcoholic in your life brings.

I'm sorry that I can't give you any huge wisdom or knowledge on your particular situation as I was not married to my alcoholic, nor did we have children, nor did he choose to go to rehab, but rest assured there will be others here who can give you wiser words then my own.

I do however understand the huge pain and hurt that we have to contend with after what we have lived through. I also understand the feelings of being the one to pick up the pieces and when my axbf did from time to time get various help the focus was of course once again solely on him while I was left in the background struggling to cope myself, but because WE are not the alcoholic it can often be seen that we aren't the ones that need help- so very wrong. This makes you angry, bitter, resentful.

You sound like you have a lot going on right now, do you have a support network you could call on while he has his own support network away from you? Friends, family? You don't sound like you have any time but could you perhaps ask someone to take care of the kids and go to an alanon meeting, or any support group near you? YOU need to try and take care of yourself as hard as that may seem right now. If he is in rehab he has his own programme and people to look out for him- you need yours also.

It's 'normal' when in such a difficult situation to have such overwhelming and mixed emotions, I was, and still am contending with that- as I am sure many other here would also say. Don't feel bad for being sad, angry etc you have a right to feel this way after what has happened, but please try and get some support for yourself to work through these emotions.

Keep posting. Hugs to you.

lillamy

Good for you. And whether he's going to rehab to get sober, or because he thinks going through the motions of rehab will make you let him back in remains to be seen.

There are actually a couple of women here in similar situations right now -- AHs who are in rehab and want to return home, and they're not ready. Hopefully, they'll check in and see your post; they can probably commiserate with you about how their thinking went about the issue... ((((hugs)))) and welcome!!!

cookiesncream

Even though I'm coming from "the other side" I do completely empathize with you and I'm so sorry. Cyber strength coming your way. You've been through the wringer and what you're facing will not be quickly forgiven if ever. My Dad was an alcoholic for about four years. He never went through rehab but he was prone to wild spending sprees and major ups and downs in his personality. It is crystal clear to me now and those around me that he had untreated bipolar disorder. The financial ruin, etc very similar. There was a DUI in the mix as well. Ultimately he quit drinking cold turkey. Two and a half months later he took his own life-I was sixteen. That experience still lives with me and your story brings back some vivid memories. Be good to yourself and do what you feel is best for you and your family. He has issues that sobriety alone may never solve unless he gets that bipolar disorder properly treated.

Peace,

Cookies

atalose

You don't have to make a decision today on what happens after his rehab. You don't even have to make that decision tomorrow or next week, you make that decision when YOU are ready.

Allow time for him to figure out rehab and what path he may take. And maybe find a program for you to work like al-anon or celebrate recover or working with a therapist.

None of us do well when pressured, it's not fair to you if that is what he is doing.

keep posting.

redatlanta

My husband is an RAH and also Bi-Polar. Sounds like your AH is either nor medicated properly, or stopped his meds.

I would rather live with an alcoholic than an unmedicated or improperly medicated bipolar. I have been there I feel your pain.

Hoping the rehab he is in is a dual diagnosis treatment center and they get him regulated.

Sorry you are going through this I understand why you wouldn't want him to come home

LexieCat

You might want to let the rehab know that he wants to come home but that you are inclined not to do that until he's shown that he has really stabilized and is solidly sober. They can then reinforce that rather than just accepting his version of his post-discharge "plans." They might be able to find a good sober living situation for him in advance of his discharge so he has a safe and supportive place to live.

knowthetriggers

I wish someone would had said these EXACT words to me when my AH was being released from rehab all those years ago.

Al27 - take this time to take real good care of yourself and your family! Trust and believe your HP will be with you every step of the way.
One Day At A Time my friend.

NYCDoglvr

He may get an A for effort but that doesn't mean the relationship can be fixed. In the end, if trust and respect are gone there's nothing left. Brilliant idea to tell the rehab you can't welcome him back for the time being.

hopeful4

I am sorry for the stress you are under. I am hoping he is going to a dual diagnosis facility that can help him with both? If not, it's likely it won't help at all as most rehabs do not want you on medications, and obviously if he is Bipolar that won't work.

Tight hugs.