Cecilia44

You know I am still on this site and read it quite frequently and wouldn't mind being involved more (although I am using AA and now more recently, have read up on AVRT for my recovery as well), but I find that I have an interesting phenomenon when I do post here.

Most posts are offering advice, support, experience, etc. and after several days of being sober (usually a week or more), I might post something here or there in response to someone's post with my "help," yet 9 times out of 10 when I do that ... I drink.

I don't know if I am self-sabotaging, if it's because of my low self-esteem and I really don't believe my own advice, or what.

I can usually stay sober pretty well just READING posts and I have been, but it's like I am "thinking I am someone" when I do offer advice (and only being a week or so sober) and then I fail.

I hate feeling like I am "out here on my own," but it somehow seems to work better for me that way.

I know years ago when I was sober and involved in AA back then, I had to "shut up and listen" instead of thinking I knew everything.

Does anyone else have this problem? Maybe my self-diagnosis is incorrect? I am just guessing as to why this occurs.

Thanks everyone.

Nonsensical

9 times out of 10? You must keep excellent drinking and posting records.

A few of my return-to-drinking expeditions since joining SR were preceded by a flurry of activity on the forums. I had always already made the decision to drink, though, and I was reading and posting responses trying to talk myself out of it. I would have been better served by posting that I was thinking about drinking and getting some direct feedback, but I didn't.

Some good introspection on your part. Bodes well for your future, I think.

You can do this.

Esspee

I don't know if it is related but my counsellor has 'signed me off' and doesn't want to see me again (although if I start to struggle she is there for me) because she felt I had got myself to a place where I was doing better without going to see her.

We 'mutually agreed' that when I see her and talk about things it brings the focus back on to alcohol and then I go and drink.

It's not to do with self esteem but what I am focussing on (I think!)

thomas11

I think they call that a trigger. Maybe you could try and adjust your thinking to focus on the fact that you did something positive in helping or offering encouragement to others as opposed to "I know what I'm doing" now let's have a drink. Just a thought.

Nowsthetime

If posting triggers u then read only...

You have to figure out what works for you.

serenityfreedom

Live and learn

strategery

Cecilia-what thoughts are going through your head after responding? Is it self-doubt? Are you thinking you shouldn't have responded since you can't maintain sobriety yourself?

Self-doubt is a huge trigger for me and I have the feeling you're experiencing the same thing. However, you can get through it and stay sober. By doing this, your confidence will increase.

In order to accomplish this, you need a plan. What are you going to do when these thoughts pop into your head? Are you going to reach out for help? Are you going to go to the gym? How are you going to deal with these thoughts when they crop up?

I have had to build an amazing arsenal of tools to stay sober. When things were really bad, I would have to distract myself in any way possible to keep myself going (would go to a movie, would walk around a store which wouldn't sell alcohol, would go workout). Even sometimes just chatting here or reaching out can be very helpful.
One of the things I have been having to work on is those negative thoughts. One of my friends, Bim, recommended joining a gratitude thread. Sometimes being grateful for what you do have versus concentrating on how you are a bad person in this way or that way can make a massive difference. I have found the SR chat meetings to be an amazing way to learn. You don't even have to talk. Just show up and listen.

There are also a number of threads that can help you get support. When I was first here, I did struggle to find support and I had to make my sobriety my responsibility. Sometimes it just takes time to help you get the support you need. You can join a class thread, the 24 hour thread, the weekend thread, or any thread. Not all the threads are serious or about drinking. Some are even a lot of fun (if you like cats-check out the fluffy thread in user created groups). Just hang around here and get to know some people. It gets better, I promise.

Take your power back and stop letting AV manipulate you into drinking. You can do it and it is possible to get sober. One of the things I am concerned about is that you're using the self-esteem issue to excuse your drinking. You have a choice in whether to pick up that first drink or not. I know you can do it and not take that first drink. You just need to figure out a plan that works.

serenityfreedom

I think it's good to post your experience, for someone with 1 or 2 days they look up to you. Try not to use the word 'you', tell them about yourself, It's easier to relate to someone who has been there than get told by someone what they should do. That has been my experience. And I should add Bill W and Dr. Bob's too.
peace-Jonathan

Fly N Buy

I use the ignore button on myself - that way, I don't have to read my own dribble

Glad you're here with us
Keep coming back!