Is there anything left to fight for? ??
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Is there anything left to fight for? ??
So I have had no contact with my ah since 2/16 when i dropped him off at rehab. Its only been just over a week but it has been awesome. A piece of me hates to say it but it does. I didn't buy him a phone card or give him money to call me so I have been thinking.
My life is so much calmer with out him around. I can manage on few dollars a week to spend when he needs hundreds. I feel like a different person in just a short time. I suppose this feeling i am having is the universe telling me that the beginning of our end has been a long time in the works. I feel almost numb today and its scary because today is our wedding anniversary. But its really just another day because there is so little left to our marriage.
I want him to go to a year long program so that we can decide on our future but do I really want a future with him. I am just not sure at this point. I know that no one can tell me what to do....I'm simply venturing onto the questions i didn't have time to address when i was constantly baby sitting my grown husband.
I am rambling bit but i feel like i am done fighting to save a marriage that he/we have done so much to destroy. I wish for the happy ending but reality is telling me that will never happen. Now to decide do i want this for the rest of my life......i think not.
Prayers please as i make decisions that will change our lives forever
My life is so much calmer with out him around. I can manage on few dollars a week to spend when he needs hundreds. I feel like a different person in just a short time. I suppose this feeling i am having is the universe telling me that the beginning of our end has been a long time in the works. I feel almost numb today and its scary because today is our wedding anniversary. But its really just another day because there is so little left to our marriage.
I want him to go to a year long program so that we can decide on our future but do I really want a future with him. I am just not sure at this point. I know that no one can tell me what to do....I'm simply venturing onto the questions i didn't have time to address when i was constantly baby sitting my grown husband.
I am rambling bit but i feel like i am done fighting to save a marriage that he/we have done so much to destroy. I wish for the happy ending but reality is telling me that will never happen. Now to decide do i want this for the rest of my life......i think not.
Prayers please as i make decisions that will change our lives forever
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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How long is he in rehab for, initially?
I can very well relate to your feeling of being able to think more clearly, and noticing all those things that are simpler and better without him.
I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself however long you need to figure out your next step. I personally benefited a lot from Al-Anon and individual counseling, but there are other ways.
The most difficult part for me was to convince myself that I had no obligations to stay married to AXH if I felt his choices were dragging me down. Despite the drinking, despite the abuse, I still felt responsible for him. Al-Anon helped me weed through those feelings and come out stronger on the other side.
As I pray for you to come to a wise decision, I want to remind you that whatever decision you make, you're not making it in a vacuum. You're making it in the context of dealing with HIS choices over a number of years -- his choices to not seek help earlier, while you still felt there was hope for the marriage, for example.
Rest in that feeling you have of being alone without it feeling lonely. There's a lot of strength and truth in that.
I can very well relate to your feeling of being able to think more clearly, and noticing all those things that are simpler and better without him.
I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself however long you need to figure out your next step. I personally benefited a lot from Al-Anon and individual counseling, but there are other ways.
The most difficult part for me was to convince myself that I had no obligations to stay married to AXH if I felt his choices were dragging me down. Despite the drinking, despite the abuse, I still felt responsible for him. Al-Anon helped me weed through those feelings and come out stronger on the other side.
As I pray for you to come to a wise decision, I want to remind you that whatever decision you make, you're not making it in a vacuum. You're making it in the context of dealing with HIS choices over a number of years -- his choices to not seek help earlier, while you still felt there was hope for the marriage, for example.
Rest in that feeling you have of being alone without it feeling lonely. There's a lot of strength and truth in that.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
peace,
I'm in a similar boat. My husband left for rehab on 2/14. I was SOOO happy he left on Valentines day! I had been worrying he would want to do something for that holiday and the memory of last years holiday coupled with the fact his drinking was off the charts had my anxiety up. It was such a RELIEF that he left that day! I didn't even bring it up to him. When he arrived at the rehab facility (he had to fly out of state) he called and recognized the holiday and apologized for not being home with me -- he has been SO blind.
So I'm faced with some of the same thoughts that you are faced with. I don't know the answer. For me I need to tackle one day at a time. My feelings may change, they may not, but I'm very peaceful right now w/o him.
Enjoy your peaceful time. Take it one day at a time. Hugs
I'm in a similar boat. My husband left for rehab on 2/14. I was SOOO happy he left on Valentines day! I had been worrying he would want to do something for that holiday and the memory of last years holiday coupled with the fact his drinking was off the charts had my anxiety up. It was such a RELIEF that he left that day! I didn't even bring it up to him. When he arrived at the rehab facility (he had to fly out of state) he called and recognized the holiday and apologized for not being home with me -- he has been SO blind.
So I'm faced with some of the same thoughts that you are faced with. I don't know the answer. For me I need to tackle one day at a time. My feelings may change, they may not, but I'm very peaceful right now w/o him.
Enjoy your peaceful time. Take it one day at a time. Hugs
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
((((hugs))))
Just remember, you don't have to decide everything at once. Sometimes just doing the next right thing is all that we can manage as we sort these big decisions out. Baby steps may be small, but they are mighty!
Just remember, you don't have to decide everything at once. Sometimes just doing the next right thing is all that we can manage as we sort these big decisions out. Baby steps may be small, but they are mighty!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
My AH has not been to rehab, he doesn't think he is an A because he is more of a binge drinker. Will go days without drinking, then right back to it. I'm nor sure rehab would ever be in the picture for him so......
He does go on trips however, and all I can say is the days when he was gone once were the most peaceful days I have had, I would so look forward to them.
Not so much anymore. Probably because I know he is returning. While I love him, I hate the chaos more.
Just saying I think I understand where you are coming from.
He does go on trips however, and all I can say is the days when he was gone once were the most peaceful days I have had, I would so look forward to them.
Not so much anymore. Probably because I know he is returning. While I love him, I hate the chaos more.
Just saying I think I understand where you are coming from.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Thank you to everyone. Its so good knowing that someone understands. Lilamy he is initially there for 8 weeks so only through mid April. There is a program that is then a year long and while i know that ultimatums never work my requirement is going to be to see him one year sober and taking care of things on his own before we have a chance again. He has been dealing with addiction for over 30 years and i feel like he needs some time to deal with his demons outside of a relationship.
I have been alone anyways so its not a new concept for me. Hopefully he receives it well and chooses to go but if not then he can go on living but not in my life.
Prayers for strength please
I have been alone anyways so its not a new concept for me. Hopefully he receives it well and chooses to go but if not then he can go on living but not in my life.
Prayers for strength please
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
I can relate. My XAH has relapsed and I finally convinced his family and friends to let him hit bottom. Three detox/rehab stints in 18 months and he's only really been clean in the hospital. So, once the sh*t hit the fan last week when he lost a job yet again and it's obvious to everyone he's drinking again, we've all come together to realize that we're powerless to help. The past week has been almost euphoric for me; strange since he really could die if he doesn't get help. But just knowing that we're going to let him go it alone, that we can take care of ourselves and focus on life as we live it - it's glorious. I don't have to cringe when the phone rings. I don't have to worry for my son's well-being. We can live our lives. I hope we can all get there.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
'i feel like i am done fighting to save a marriage that he/we have done so much to destroy. I wish for the happy ending but reality is telling me that will never happen. Now to decide do i want this for the rest of my life......i think not.'
I too 100% relate to this. Infact I could have written all the posts above.
I am exactly at that point in my marriage. I have decided to separate. It wont happen overnight but I am moving slowly on it...step by step.....
There is no timescale and we are all different but please know many of us are exactly where you are and many others are ahead of us on their journey and can offer wisdom advice and reality.
One thing that always keeps me going is so many tell us here that the peace on the other side is so worth it.
My AH has been away working, he came back today, the peace and calmness that was around us while he was away was blissful. Thats the peace and calmness I want everyday for myself and for my children.....
We CAN do this. Many here will tell us they have.
For sure it isn't easy but that peaceful existence is moving me forward and thats what I am striding towards.
I am also heartbroken for the dream that it isn't.
Take care of you first and foremost and the rest will follow. I am learning that myself...step by step.
All the best Phiz :0)
I too 100% relate to this. Infact I could have written all the posts above.
I am exactly at that point in my marriage. I have decided to separate. It wont happen overnight but I am moving slowly on it...step by step.....
There is no timescale and we are all different but please know many of us are exactly where you are and many others are ahead of us on their journey and can offer wisdom advice and reality.
One thing that always keeps me going is so many tell us here that the peace on the other side is so worth it.
My AH has been away working, he came back today, the peace and calmness that was around us while he was away was blissful. Thats the peace and calmness I want everyday for myself and for my children.....
We CAN do this. Many here will tell us they have.
For sure it isn't easy but that peaceful existence is moving me forward and thats what I am striding towards.
I am also heartbroken for the dream that it isn't.
Take care of you first and foremost and the rest will follow. I am learning that myself...step by step.
All the best Phiz :0)
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Ali I hope we can get there too. Its amazing the amount of energy, money, time, had been spent tryin to fix this but not by him by me. I am give out but know what you mean about that freeness of knowing you have set a boundary.
I know for sure that my boundaries have been non-existent until this point. So it feels good knowing that I am setting a boundary and if he does not want to adhere to it that is fine but i will be sticking to them firmly. So for once in a long time i can say the ball is in his court. He has the power to chose and will be responsible for the consequences of his choices.
I'm so grateful to everyone here.....I'm sorry we had to "meet " under these circumstances but I am thankful to know that i have a gigantic support network
I know for sure that my boundaries have been non-existent until this point. So it feels good knowing that I am setting a boundary and if he does not want to adhere to it that is fine but i will be sticking to them firmly. So for once in a long time i can say the ball is in his court. He has the power to chose and will be responsible for the consequences of his choices.
I'm so grateful to everyone here.....I'm sorry we had to "meet " under these circumstances but I am thankful to know that i have a gigantic support network
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Phiz.....I'm glad you are here. And yes its a slow process but anything worth having is worth waiting for they say.
I really appreciate your verbiage in saying that you are heartbroken for the dream that isn't. I couldn't have said it any better. But i think that is what everyone else misses. They wonder why we hold on to people who hurt us so badly.
But that is it......we hold on to a dream........but its a living nightmare
I really appreciate your verbiage in saying that you are heartbroken for the dream that isn't. I couldn't have said it any better. But i think that is what everyone else misses. They wonder why we hold on to people who hurt us so badly.
But that is it......we hold on to a dream........but its a living nightmare
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
and it so so helps to know we are not alone.
We all love our alcoholics...
But we don't love the chaos, drama, abuse and destruction that it brings us....and yes indeed its a living nightmare indeed....
Thank goodness I found Al Anon and SR....you guys keep me sane.
Phiz :0)
We all love our alcoholics...
But we don't love the chaos, drama, abuse and destruction that it brings us....and yes indeed its a living nightmare indeed....
Thank goodness I found Al Anon and SR....you guys keep me sane.
Phiz :0)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Prayers and peace to all going through this - I hope you guys see this wonderful bright light at the end of your tunnel - thanks for the inspiration. I am envious of the ready to leap feeling, and hope to be there myself soon!!! (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 43
I hope you find the peace you deserve. I totally know what you mean, I dropped mine off at rehab on our anniversary and we haven't had much contact, it's been chaotic and confusing.. But it is peaceful at home. I'm sleeping better and I'm actually able to focus on the kids and myself (sort of) it's all very new and confusing. The dream that was... Or should have been, or could have been... It's hard to face reality and who knows what the future holds.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
so true nyc .....it has taken a while to realize this but i finally am jumping off the merry go round. I know know that while i have done everything things i could to save things he was doing whatever he wanted. And that involved mainly drugs and all the insanity that goes along with it.
Basically i can't control him. And he was never and will never be my responsibility. It is such a bad sickness to think you can control a grown "man"....which i use the term lightly.
Thanks to everyone for all the encouragement. ....its very much appreciated
Basically i can't control him. And he was never and will never be my responsibility. It is such a bad sickness to think you can control a grown "man"....which i use the term lightly.
Thanks to everyone for all the encouragement. ....its very much appreciated
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Your post is so close to my heart. I had to let go. I finally got past the need to hurt from his addiction, help him with his addiction, or protect him from his addiction.
Always loved him, and always will. But I learned to value my sanity. There was one day when I finally realized he didn't value my sanity, nor did he value me.
It's tough. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Always loved him, and always will. But I learned to value my sanity. There was one day when I finally realized he didn't value my sanity, nor did he value me.
It's tough. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Posts: 137
Erin. That's exactly where i am now. Not only is it painfully obvious that he does not value my sanity he does not value my security or stability either. He does not value hard work or having a home....Not to relieve the bad but i actually came home one day and he had pawned our kitchen table.
Should have realized then that if you can't depend on coming home to the same kitchen table that you left there its not much of a home.
I am going to see him on Sunday and i am going to be firm and tell him exactly how I feel. I am not getting roped back in. I have done it too many times. The claims of how different this time will be and it never is. Praying for strength. .....and peace to walk in love not chaos
Should have realized then that if you can't depend on coming home to the same kitchen table that you left there its not much of a home.
I am going to see him on Sunday and i am going to be firm and tell him exactly how I feel. I am not getting roped back in. I have done it too many times. The claims of how different this time will be and it never is. Praying for strength. .....and peace to walk in love not chaos
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
We all have to remember that they are sick and have a disease. They don't love anything more then their addiction. It is the cold hard truth, and very sad. Once we come to terms with that, then we can finally move forward. I think when we finally accept, "we are truly powerless over our alcoholic," our life turns around
I crossed the "rainbow" bridge, just like my dogs do. But I didn't die. My life is amazing. (it makes me so to say that, because I still love my A). But I am so at peace with my decision of divorcing him. After 34 years of hxll together, I deserve some peace, some sleep, some respect and everything else that normal wives receive.
I am happy for all of you who have finally come to terms with your spouses disease and
I hope you find peace in your decision, as I truly have!!
10/29/14 DD (divorce date)
I crossed the "rainbow" bridge, just like my dogs do. But I didn't die. My life is amazing. (it makes me so to say that, because I still love my A). But I am so at peace with my decision of divorcing him. After 34 years of hxll together, I deserve some peace, some sleep, some respect and everything else that normal wives receive.
I am happy for all of you who have finally come to terms with your spouses disease and
I hope you find peace in your decision, as I truly have!!
10/29/14 DD (divorce date)
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Posts: 137
Maia....thanks so much for sharing that. You know i know that it is different this time because i have been thinking more and more about divorce. Even in all the past craziness i never really viewed it as over......and we have separated probably 10 times. But now I feel totally different. He was saying all the same things but i know that i feel different
I love him....but I don't deserve to be hurt by him because i love him. That's just not how its supposed to be. I deserve a future and he will not participate. He has proven that
I love him....but I don't deserve to be hurt by him because i love him. That's just not how its supposed to be. I deserve a future and he will not participate. He has proven that
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
I guess in a way I was "lucky". My AH did something so incredibly drastic and out of character that I was forced to wake up to what he had become. It was easier for me than some because we had no minor children and I had a great support system in the form of an aunt and uncle that have given me the use of their guest house as long as I need it. I'm going to share two of the best pieces of advise I have been given. 1 - an alcoholic does not become a mean manipulative person. Almost always they were that way before they were drinking. Getting sober does not change this. This is true of my AH. 2 - Have a plan. You get to decide if and when you put it into place, but start thinking about a future without him and have a plan. I think you answered your own question!
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