View Poll Results: About making amends???
I should make amends with my X
2
40.00%
My X should make amends with me
0
0%
I learn to accept the apology I never got
2
40.00%
I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
1
20.00%
Voters: 5. You may not vote on this poll
Making Amends??? (Part I)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Making Amends??? (Part I)
I have some significant sober time now (2months) so I really should be tackling some of my real issues, of which there are many...
I thought this was all settled a few years ago and I could move on with my life but I was wrong as it backfired terribly on me: I made amends with my ex for basically my part in arguments with the conscious knowledge that what she has done to me is much worse. (manipulating me with the child, cheating on or lying to me, punishing me for trying to move on with my life etc). I was smoking some weed at the time, meditated heavily on it and thought it was the right thing to do i.e. draw a line under the past and put some effort into becoming 'friends', for the sake of the kid. So far so good, normal enough…
It was difficult for me to get to that point in my mind, really it was as we had been fighting for years. I don't know if I got his idea from my meditations or the 'My Name is Earl' TV show, probably a bit of both. So anyway I softened her up for a bit, I was giving her more money every fortnight for maintenance than was required, throwing her weed every time I seen her, she wanted to do up the childs room again- I paid for everything even though I had never been in her house then- 900 euro for a bunk bed etc, this and that I paid for all the toys at xmas as I have always done (I needed to do these things in my own place also, which I no longer have now). This was all from my savings as I wasn't working then. I know I'm talking about money here as its the only language she seems to understand seemingly. Ok...
At the same time I was sliding it in there 'you know we should try and get along better for the kids sake, I can't just stay around here forever renting a place where the kid can come and stay for a few days because there is nothing happening here in my life' which is what I did for all of my twenties, to accommodate her basically. And it was a terrible time for the most part. So yeah, it seemed to be working, she invited me to stay at hers for a couple of months (things were not good at home, coming up in part 2), we ended up sleeping together but I was still I intent on my plan which was to leave the area to find work. What happened in those few months was that she basically cheated on me, made a fool of me, cleaned me out of literally my last bit of money then turfed me out on the street (from a distance). Then had the cheek to deny everything and told a family member she was throwing me out because I was drinking! Which I hadn't been at all, I went drinking the day I found out she was cheating yes…
I've thrown in some multimedia to break up the post, it mightn't be to everyones liking. I'd love to say things worked out like the song above, but 'free' I am not. She still has massive power over me with the child, I have to pay her maintenance which feels like an affront and she has stopped me seeing the kid since. She is certainly free though, she has a good job, drives a sports merc, owns a luxury apartment...
Ironically when I met her it was the other way around, she was living with her mum and had no direction in life. She could barely hold down a part time job working for her mothers friend and I was where I needed to be - had a steady job, my first car, was renting my own place, had all the expensive hobbyist equipment I always dreamed of and a few nixers doing that. Bear in mind, I spent almost half my life (on and off) with this girl from the age of 18. So, is there any amends to be made here again? I sincerely doubt that. I am over it now but it's been difficult to say the least. I hit the bottle after that, and I have had a hard time forgiving myself let alone anyone else. I was in shock to find out she was a compulsive liar after all those years. I had no clue. She was under no duress either from me, far from it infact.
I was on a pink cloud at the time if anything. In a way I was glad to finally get some closure with her but like I say, its been difficult, I was left homeless after that. I'm over it now but I guess I'm laying this story down as an example of where I went out on a limb to 'make amends' in a very meaningful and honest way (was it a Christian thing to do? I don't know) and it went horribly wrong for me. I'd appreciate your thoughts on where I stand in this but there is a part 2 coming up, which is a much worse and painful situation with someone even more important to my life. Ugh, man. Thanks for listening...
I thought this was all settled a few years ago and I could move on with my life but I was wrong as it backfired terribly on me: I made amends with my ex for basically my part in arguments with the conscious knowledge that what she has done to me is much worse. (manipulating me with the child, cheating on or lying to me, punishing me for trying to move on with my life etc). I was smoking some weed at the time, meditated heavily on it and thought it was the right thing to do i.e. draw a line under the past and put some effort into becoming 'friends', for the sake of the kid. So far so good, normal enough…
It was difficult for me to get to that point in my mind, really it was as we had been fighting for years. I don't know if I got his idea from my meditations or the 'My Name is Earl' TV show, probably a bit of both. So anyway I softened her up for a bit, I was giving her more money every fortnight for maintenance than was required, throwing her weed every time I seen her, she wanted to do up the childs room again- I paid for everything even though I had never been in her house then- 900 euro for a bunk bed etc, this and that I paid for all the toys at xmas as I have always done (I needed to do these things in my own place also, which I no longer have now). This was all from my savings as I wasn't working then. I know I'm talking about money here as its the only language she seems to understand seemingly. Ok...
At the same time I was sliding it in there 'you know we should try and get along better for the kids sake, I can't just stay around here forever renting a place where the kid can come and stay for a few days because there is nothing happening here in my life' which is what I did for all of my twenties, to accommodate her basically. And it was a terrible time for the most part. So yeah, it seemed to be working, she invited me to stay at hers for a couple of months (things were not good at home, coming up in part 2), we ended up sleeping together but I was still I intent on my plan which was to leave the area to find work. What happened in those few months was that she basically cheated on me, made a fool of me, cleaned me out of literally my last bit of money then turfed me out on the street (from a distance). Then had the cheek to deny everything and told a family member she was throwing me out because I was drinking! Which I hadn't been at all, I went drinking the day I found out she was cheating yes…
I've thrown in some multimedia to break up the post, it mightn't be to everyones liking. I'd love to say things worked out like the song above, but 'free' I am not. She still has massive power over me with the child, I have to pay her maintenance which feels like an affront and she has stopped me seeing the kid since. She is certainly free though, she has a good job, drives a sports merc, owns a luxury apartment...
Ironically when I met her it was the other way around, she was living with her mum and had no direction in life. She could barely hold down a part time job working for her mothers friend and I was where I needed to be - had a steady job, my first car, was renting my own place, had all the expensive hobbyist equipment I always dreamed of and a few nixers doing that. Bear in mind, I spent almost half my life (on and off) with this girl from the age of 18. So, is there any amends to be made here again? I sincerely doubt that. I am over it now but it's been difficult to say the least. I hit the bottle after that, and I have had a hard time forgiving myself let alone anyone else. I was in shock to find out she was a compulsive liar after all those years. I had no clue. She was under no duress either from me, far from it infact.
I was on a pink cloud at the time if anything. In a way I was glad to finally get some closure with her but like I say, its been difficult, I was left homeless after that. I'm over it now but I guess I'm laying this story down as an example of where I went out on a limb to 'make amends' in a very meaningful and honest way (was it a Christian thing to do? I don't know) and it went horribly wrong for me. I'd appreciate your thoughts on where I stand in this but there is a part 2 coming up, which is a much worse and painful situation with someone even more important to my life. Ugh, man. Thanks for listening...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I dunno Strat, for me when I got Sober, I just kept my head down and worked on my Sobriety, getting involved in too much "drama" in life would have been counterproductive!!
From experience ex girlfriends have been my downfall in the past, sure be there for your child, but making amends doesn't have to be anymore than being civil towards each other, I have a few exs that if I met them on the street I would say hello, but I'd draw the line at having a coffee with them, those relationships are in the past and there's no point drawing it out, time to move forward!!
Sobriety and a new life moving forward was my focus, and drawing a line under the past was a part of that!!
From experience ex girlfriends have been my downfall in the past, sure be there for your child, but making amends doesn't have to be anymore than being civil towards each other, I have a few exs that if I met them on the street I would say hello, but I'd draw the line at having a coffee with them, those relationships are in the past and there's no point drawing it out, time to move forward!!
Sobriety and a new life moving forward was my focus, and drawing a line under the past was a part of that!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
My experience of making some long overdue amends can be found here>>>http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ks-dr-bob.html
She just emailed me a few days ago and told me she has melanoma. I'm glad my amends have been made. Making them now would be far too awkward. I can at least be helpful now.
Amends are about making right what WE ourselves did wrong. Don't link ANYTHING you did wrong to anything the other person did. Period. It's apples and oranges. Basic math. 1 wrong + 1 wrong = 2 wrongs, .... 1 wrong + 1wrong ≠ 1 right.
There is no certainty to the future. I suggest you make your amends, while you still have the opportunity.
She just emailed me a few days ago and told me she has melanoma. I'm glad my amends have been made. Making them now would be far too awkward. I can at least be helpful now.
Amends are about making right what WE ourselves did wrong. Don't link ANYTHING you did wrong to anything the other person did. Period. It's apples and oranges. Basic math. 1 wrong + 1 wrong = 2 wrongs, .... 1 wrong + 1wrong ≠ 1 right.
There is no certainty to the future. I suggest you make your amends, while you still have the opportunity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Not so many votes on the poll anyway. PK I'm with you on this one, if sobriety is my main focus -which it is, I'm about as sober now as I have ever been- then yeah, I don't see how flogging a dead horse is going to help the situation.
I've been trying to gain autonomy from this girl for maybe 5 years now, it didn't end how I would have liked but that was beyond my control. I tried to make amends at the time or part on good terms should we say but she didn't want that. I have another X as well, not quite so much an X more like we went on a handful of dates, not so sure where she fits in to this… They are living the good life anyway, thats all that matters I guess. Drama is the word bro...
I've been trying to gain autonomy from this girl for maybe 5 years now, it didn't end how I would have liked but that was beyond my control. I tried to make amends at the time or part on good terms should we say but she didn't want that. I have another X as well, not quite so much an X more like we went on a handful of dates, not so sure where she fits in to this… They are living the good life anyway, thats all that matters I guess. Drama is the word bro...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Taking5, calm down man! I was just gifting her some of mine, she would have been buying it somewhere otherwise.
And no I'm not smoking now, I'm very focused on my sobriety. I'd be fairly certain though that she still is, haven't seen her in over 2 years.
@ whoever voted for 'learn to accept the apology I never got'. Yep, pretty much thats what I've had to do as I could never be sober now otherwise.
And no I'm not smoking now, I'm very focused on my sobriety. I'd be fairly certain though that she still is, haven't seen her in over 2 years.
@ whoever voted for 'learn to accept the apology I never got'. Yep, pretty much thats what I've had to do as I could never be sober now otherwise.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Awuh hows it going. I understand what you are saying, I'm not sure how it applies here though. I appreciate what you shared but its a very different circumstance.
About the rights and wrongs bit, I couldnt agree more. And perhaps that is more relevant to part 2 of my making amends thread, I'm sure it is. I haven't got around to writing that yet.
As for this particular person, my long term partner as it were... Yeah, she has ignored all of my correspondence for over 2 years now. She has moved on, she started to settle down with someone else.
I'm not sure what amends there is to make there exactly, surely it's just a matter of drawing a line under it. I'm very surprised that someone voted for the 'I should make amends' option, I wasn't expecting that.
About the rights and wrongs bit, I couldnt agree more. And perhaps that is more relevant to part 2 of my making amends thread, I'm sure it is. I haven't got around to writing that yet.
As for this particular person, my long term partner as it were... Yeah, she has ignored all of my correspondence for over 2 years now. She has moved on, she started to settle down with someone else.
I'm not sure what amends there is to make there exactly, surely it's just a matter of drawing a line under it. I'm very surprised that someone voted for the 'I should make amends' option, I wasn't expecting that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
I understand that there is no certainty to the future as mine is precarious indeed. Thats doesn't change the past however.
I was kind of hoping for a bit of support in this thread, from people who are divorced, or single fathers etc. I have to face this girl in court next month.
I did contact her recently to see if she would agree to amicable terms but I was ignored yet again. More of the same that brought me to destruction is insanity basically.
I was kind of hoping for a bit of support in this thread, from people who are divorced, or single fathers etc. I have to face this girl in court next month.
I did contact her recently to see if she would agree to amicable terms but I was ignored yet again. More of the same that brought me to destruction is insanity basically.
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