fluffyflea

What is the difference between controlling and setting boundaries?

Carlotta

Boundaries are about you and what you are comfortable with or not for example a personal boundary of mine is that I do not take drunk calls from anyone.
I just don't want to put up with the quacking so when someone calls me in their cup, I get off the phone and put their number on my block list.

cookiesncream

I will followup later as I am currently listening to the audiobook version of "Boundaries in Marriage." It is extraordinarily clear to me that many problems in my life are due to my failure to set boundaries. In a way some of the lines between control and boundaries are similar. As Carlotta said however what I'm getting from the book is what she said. You may not like xyz behavior such as addiction. When telling someone you will not tolerate or engage in this behavior that is a boundary. If the intent both in the manner in which this information is delivered is not only to protect yourself but to actively hurt the other person to stop the behavior to me this is control. I'm sure I'll have lots more to add as this is a subject I am delving into deeply as part of my own recovery but from the other side.

fluffyflea

Well here is an example: where I work someone likes to come in after I've made a meal and double dip tasting and picking at things with their fingers which for a germaphobic like me is absolutely anxiety producing besides being disgusting.

So what I do instead of telling them to stop doing that I take the food I want for me and set it aside and they can taste and pick away.

AnvilheadII

boundaries are like a set of instructions for US - what to do when <<THIS>> happens.

have you ever been in a line like forever...whether it be at the coffee shack or the DMV or even on hold for going on 32 minutes? and then you have that moment, and say oh hell no, and get out of the line or hang up because you VALUE your own time that much? that's a boundary. you didn't charge into the store, or scream at the person behind the desk, or vent your frustration to the person who takes you off hold....you didn't try to make THEM do anything different, YOU did different, for your own comfort and sense of well being.

if you refuse to get in the car with a driver who has been drinking, you DON'T get in the car. they can still drive, altho you may in good consience call 911.

if you don't want to be around someone who has been drinking, depending on the circumstance you can remove yourself or ask them to leave.

if someone is verbally abusing you, you have every right to move yourself to a safe distance, whether that is another room or another zipcode.

Stung

Boundaries have nothing to do with anyone else's behavior but my own.

If something happens (i.e.: an alcoholic gets drunk around me, someone verbally abuses me, etc.) then I am going to do xyz.

Boundaries also aren't only about alcoholics, they really should encompass all relationships.

Boundaries aren't rules but us determining what we will or will not tolerate in any relationship; romantic relationships, familial relationships, professional relationships, platonic relationships, etc.

cookiesncream

Here's another example. I am related to a lot of passive aggressive folks that are prone to putting me on guilt trips. To me a boundary would be to acknowledge but not engage in guilt trips. This acknowledges their feelings but puts a boundary in my choice to engage further in them.

LexieCat

Are you the only one who the meal is for? Or do others in your office share it, too, in which case you might not be the only one grossed out? I'll admit that I've sometimes been the one who is the offender in these situations--I'm not at all worried about stuff like double-dipping. HOWEVER, people have let me know that it bothers them, and I have changed my behavior. Letting someone know that something bothers you, and asking them politely not to do it, isn't controlling them. It's always OK, IMO, to nicely ask someone not to do something that bothers you, especially when it affects you directly. If you gave that person a long lecture about germs and being inconsiderate, yadayada, THAT would be controlling. But saying something like, "I'd like to ask you a favor. Some of us have sort of a 'thing' about people touching food that we're going to eat. Would you mind please not touching the food except with a spoon or fork that you're not using to eat? I'd really appreciate it," is the kind of thing that is well within your rights to say. If the person ignored you and kept doing it, then you'd probably be within rights to complain to your boss, but rather than make a federal case of it you'd probably be better off outsmarting them as you mentioned.

Rosiepetal

Controlling is something you do to someone else.
Setting boundaries is something you do for yourself.

dandylion

Earthworm....my favorite restaurant to visit is an Ethiopian restaurant in D.C.
Everyone sits on pillows around a large table and eat from the variety of dishes with their fingers. (and pieces of a spongy bread).

lol! You would surely have a heart attack, there.....

dandylion

fluffyflea

I would ha ha ha.

AnybodyNobody

My AM rents a room in another woman's house. It recently came to light that AM is no longer functioning (went to detox a couple weeks ago, has been blowing off her opportunities for outpatient treatment/meetings, is still drinking) and her roommate (the homeowner) is feeling affected by the situation emotionally. She has to live with this woman being drunk in her home. She is considering telling my AM that she needs to see her taking some steps to get treatment in order to continue renting in her home.

I think this is going to backfire as far as ultimatums go in "helping" AM get treatment: AM will feel controlled/pressured and rebel and probably end up homeless if she continues on her same path and gets kicked out. My sister and I have agreed neither of our families can afford financially, mentally, emotionally, to take her in.

But homeowner also has a right to put up that boundary, right? They are both adults and my mom is a tenant. She doesn't want to live with the behavior of drunk person loudly crying in their bedroom all night or stumbling around the house, worrying if she is okay, and watching her destroy herself. She cares about my mom but isn't sure what she should do. Opinions?

ajarlson

I guess it depends on how she states it and what she means. It is a boundary if there are specific things she's not willing to live with so puts up a boundary around those things and enforces it. It's controlling if she starts hiding the liquor, monitoring if she's going to meetings, checking up on her etc. Does that make sense? On the flip side she has every right to say this does not go on in my home - stop or get out.

lillamy

If you're making a meal for yourself, most people would understand that it's a meal for YOU, not for anyone else.

I used to work with a woman who had no understanding of implicit social agreements -- she could come into my office and start digging through my drawers, try on my scarf, stick her hand in my bag of chips. With people like that, it's not about "boundaries" as much as it is about educating them as to proper social decorum. Which in my case went from "I don't find it acceptable that you dig in my desk drawers" to "WTF do you think you're doing trying on my lipstick?"

If you're fixing a meal for everyone, I think taking your portion aside and letting other people deal with her behaviors would be my way of handling it.