Self sabotage
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 93
Self sabotage
I just keep noticing again and again how much of a role self sabotage is playing in my recovery.
To give just one example:
There's a meeting in my area that I really love. I mean, LOVE. I have never been to an AA group like this before. I'm ashamed to admit this, but in a lot of meetings I find myself struggling to relate and just "not getting it."
This meeting is not like that at all. In fact, the first couple of times I attended I almost felt euphoric afterwards. I enjoyed it THAT much. I was in a great mood the entire day. During this meeting, the time absolutely flies by. In fact, the first few times I was there I remember the meeting getting called to a close and I looked up at the clock in absolute shock. "That clock must be wrong!" I thought. When I realized it really was correct, I thought, "Well, we must have started late. No way that was an hour."
Same thing happened the week after. "Why do we keep starting late?" I honestly believed this. I thought we must be getting started 10-15 minutes late, because the time was going way too fast. So after that I made it a point to look at the clock when the meeting started. And, guess what, we were starting RIGHT on time! Still flew by. The shares and comments were that good. I was riveted by almost every person who spoke.
It's an old-timer group, and it's only 10 minutes from my house, and there is some good, strong sobriety in that room. It's the kind of place I need to find myself every single time it meets.
So what do I do? I don't go for two weeks. Why? No good reason. Just lame excuses. I'm fortunate to have such an incredible meeting but, yet, I don't take advantage of it?
Maybe I just want to have an excuse to fail. After all, the people in that room are not going to let me get away with any BS. It's a small group, and they're serious about sobriety. If I have to examine my reasons for dodging their meetings it's because I am (deep down) afraid of what will happen if I commit.
To give just one example:
There's a meeting in my area that I really love. I mean, LOVE. I have never been to an AA group like this before. I'm ashamed to admit this, but in a lot of meetings I find myself struggling to relate and just "not getting it."
This meeting is not like that at all. In fact, the first couple of times I attended I almost felt euphoric afterwards. I enjoyed it THAT much. I was in a great mood the entire day. During this meeting, the time absolutely flies by. In fact, the first few times I was there I remember the meeting getting called to a close and I looked up at the clock in absolute shock. "That clock must be wrong!" I thought. When I realized it really was correct, I thought, "Well, we must have started late. No way that was an hour."
Same thing happened the week after. "Why do we keep starting late?" I honestly believed this. I thought we must be getting started 10-15 minutes late, because the time was going way too fast. So after that I made it a point to look at the clock when the meeting started. And, guess what, we were starting RIGHT on time! Still flew by. The shares and comments were that good. I was riveted by almost every person who spoke.
It's an old-timer group, and it's only 10 minutes from my house, and there is some good, strong sobriety in that room. It's the kind of place I need to find myself every single time it meets.
So what do I do? I don't go for two weeks. Why? No good reason. Just lame excuses. I'm fortunate to have such an incredible meeting but, yet, I don't take advantage of it?
Maybe I just want to have an excuse to fail. After all, the people in that room are not going to let me get away with any BS. It's a small group, and they're serious about sobriety. If I have to examine my reasons for dodging their meetings it's because I am (deep down) afraid of what will happen if I commit.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by NightNDay 
If I have to examine my reasons for dodging their meetings it's because I am (deep down) afraid of what will happen if I commit.
Fear of sobriety is a hallmark of addiction. It is completely irrational, but very very real. The thought of never drinking again terrified me for a very long time.
It gets better. You can do this.
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