PHIZ007

Hi Guys.

Its been a while since I started a thread. Today I am in need of support from my SR friends.....

I have been working hard on myself and have been moving forward (slowly) but moving forward all the same.

Al Anon has become important in my life and between Al Anon and SR I manage to keep sane!

So a quick summary I returned to the UK four years ago after 12 years in Australia with my AH and our three beautiful children. We came back to the UK as My Mother was ill.

Sadly she passed away last April and she is finally at peace after years of ill health. So moving forward I was glad to spend some time with her before she passed away and although she didn't know me in all that time it was a pleasure to be able to care for her and I was with her when she passed away peacefully in the early hours one morning last April.

Thank goodness I have inherited her coping genes! LOL! as I sure have needed them....and her humour too. I miss her like crazy.....

So fast forward to now....I am going to the Advice Bureau this morning I have an appointment with them regarding separating from my AH.

I have mixed emotions.....sadness at the position I am in as this is so not how my marriage was meant to me. I am sure many of you know exactly...

I am so sad for how it has to be. My AH has never seriously sort help for his drinking and continues to drink every night 365 nights of the year. He works hard and provides for us well financially BUT other than that he really isn't present. He is kind and sweet natured in the day but can be a verbally abusive rude nasty drunk at night. I get no emotional support whatsoever and have been practically ingle parenting for 14 years.

It has become absolutely intolerable to live with......and I know I have to move away from this toxic situation. For myself and for our beautiful children.

I refuse to throw us under the bus with him.

The children are at an age where they are fully aware Dad has a big problem with alcohol, and that alone breaks my heart. As you all know it effects everyone in the family.

When my beautiful 8 Year old asks 'Was Daddy nice to you last night Mummy'......that breaks my heart too.

I am not afraid to be a single parent although I have no doubt it will have challenges along the way. I am just not quite sure exactly how I am going to get there yet.....

I am sad, I am heart broken....BUT forward I will step today.

Today is all about finding out my options.

Once I find out my options I can then make decisions.

I guess I am posting today as I know many of you have been right where I am today.

I feel in need today of support and guidance from those who get it.

This journey is so so painful....

Thank you for reading. Bless you all! You Guys keep me sane.

'Onwards I stride'...that has become my moto in recent years :0)

Take Care PHIZ :0)

guava

I'm sorry about the passing of your Mom. It's wonderful that you were able to be there for her. Sounds like you may have gained some perspective and resilience through her.

I identify with your story...my XAH got to a point where he was drinking every night and along with that came the mean, nasty 2-3am wake-ups. I could no longer trust him to walk our son to the corner bus stop. He would still be drunk from the night before. I felt like a single parent. I was not functioning particularly well at that point. Eventually things progressed and I asked him to leave. Our divorce was final last week. It's been very hard. I'm definitely still mourning the loss of what might have been.

I guess what I'm saying is it is going to be difficult. Surround yourself with support. Keep going to Alanon, counseling, etc. Document what is going on now so when you have moments of weakness you can look back on it to gain strength.

Sending you lots of strong supportive thoughts!

LexieCat

Welcome back! Glad you're here.

My sympathies, too, on the loss of your mom. guava gave you some excellent advice. One other thought, have you considered counseling or Alateen for your children?

I'm glad you are heading for freedom. I know what it's like to leave someone who is basically a good person but a very sick alcoholic. You're doing the right thing for yourself and the kiddos.

Hugs,

knowthetriggers

So sorry for your pain. Sending you tight hugs and support my friend. Good luck to you and your beautiful family.

Keep coming back!

FeelingGreat

So sad that alcohol will split up another family Phiz. Does he know what's happening? I'm wondering if it might be what it takes for him to seek treatment.

lillamy

I get it. Every single piece of it. And just like you have had to grieve the loss of your mother, you have to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the dreams you had for the family you started with this man.

Your mother gave you resilience and strength. I'm also sure she never wanted you to have to use it to cope with the abuse your husband is heaping on you when drunk.

I have three quotes in my signature here. The last one says "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." That's my message for you. Leaving is never easy, but dealing with the consequences of staying with an abusive alcoholic is worse. You can build a new life for you and the children, but to do that, you will need to be alive, and you will need all that cope your mother gave you.

I think us humans are so averse to pain and hardship that we sometimes choose a pain and hardship we're familiar with over the unknown. Just trust me on this: Life without having to deal with an alcoholic may not be a cakewalk, but it is a lot less painful than life with one. Not just for the spouse, but also for the children.

Thumper

One step at a time and you'll come out OK - better even.

My condolences on the loss of your mother and I'm sorry you are in such a painful place today. Sending warm cyber hugs your way.

Katchie

I understand. I did this yesterday. Sat for an hour with a lawyer going over legal separation. Its hard because you're right, this isn't the way things are suppose to be. But we have to protect ourselves and our children, don't we?

I hope your meeting will give you some clarity and provide some piece of mind. Hugs

PHIZ007

Thanks to you all for the love, courage and support guys!

The meeting went as well as could be.....I came away armed with a little more information than I went in with so thats a good thing.

I have the details of Alateen for my son (he is 14) but unfortunately the meeting in our area at the moment isn't functioning too well, one of my Al Anon group ladies is involved with the group and will keep me updated. So when things are a little more settled there I will approach this again with my Son. My Girls are too little but we do talk about it (in an age relate manner) they are 10 and 8.

My husband has no idea yet what I am about to talk to him about. I want to be totally prepared for the road ahead so am arming myself with all the information from finances to living arrangements etc etc to make sure the 'process' is as smooth as it can possibly be for me and the children....I also don't want to give any hints at this stage as he is quite lightly to try and win me over.

However my decision is made. This is how it has to be.

And yes I am truly hoping this will assist him in getting the help he needs.

But he will need to do that while we live apart as my decision is non negotiable.

Having said that I will support him in any way I can....BUT that means first and foremost living apart.

My reason being for 15 years he has promised to get help with his alcoholism and for 15 years I have truly wanted to believe him....

But the reality is for 15 years he has continued to drink heavily.....he was drunk on both occasions I went into labour with our beautiful girls.That was a major eye opener for me...on both occasions I was nine months pregnant.....he used to tell people he got 'caught out'....which was extremely hurtful to me as we both knew this wasn't true. I even drove myself to hospital!

I have been diarising things recently in order for me to remember how things really are. For the times when I get sucked into thinking 'its not that bad' and maybe it will be ok....until the next time.

If this were my best friend I would tell her to run like hell and don't look back!

I am trying to be that best friend to myself.

Sure we still have some nice times too....BUT this is not enough for me. I don't want the nice times to have to depend on him and his mood which they always do. Naturally his manic depression is far worse due to the fact he is an alcoholic.

This jouney sucks...alcoholism sucks!.....I will keep moving forward. I know I want him to live apart from us and then if he sorts himself out maybe we can be together again.

I also know this wont be sorted out overnight.

It will take quite sometime.

'Onwards I stride' once again.

Take care guys and thanks again for reading, posting and the general support. It means so much to know we are not alone.

All the best Phiz

axelsmama09

"When my beautiful 8 Year old asks 'Was Daddy nice to you last night Mummy'......that breaks my heart too."

I cant even imagine. I do NOT have words. I would just die if my son said that to me. I understand your pain. One of my boundaries have always been if it touches my son in any way, I am out. Hasn't got to that point yet, but the thought of explaining to a five year old why we are leaving is really causing me anxiety just thinking about it. Hugs to you and I hope things get better.

PHIZ007

Yes yes its heartbraking isn't it? My poor little darling daughter......

My children keep me moving forward.

I have actually been a member on this forum for ten years.....My little boy was then 4...my little girl a baby and after that our DD number three came along.

When they were little I felt I could protect them from it all a fair bit as my AH drinks in the evening.....every evening.....365 evenings a year!

But That little boy is now 14.....and fully aware that Dad has a huge drink problem...and our girls are 10 and 8.

I HAVE to keep moving forward for myself and them. We all do.....

It sucks BUT it is what it is and I refuse to throw my children and myself under a bus.

Take Care Phiz :0)

ladyscribbler

I have been diarising things recently in order for me to remember how things really are. For the times when I get sucked into thinking 'its not that bad' and maybe it will be ok....until the next time.

That's really smart. It wasn't until I started keeping a journal that I truly saw how bad things were in my day to day life. I tended to gloss over and minimize the harm living with an alcoholic was doing to me and my kids, forget the bad stuff until the next "big incident", then coast along for awhile during the periods of relative peace. Rereading my journals helped me to see the pattern more clearly.

PHIZ007

Yes Yes I have done the same!...for years I have done that! glossed over things almost with a relief that he is behaving reasonably....but really I was coasting.....

and dying inside with loneliness and with a husband who really isn't there most of the time.....

it Sucks!...for us all......

Take care Phiz