Weasel1966

It's tough to see depression when I am immersed in it. It can only be measured by comparison. And of course that means having even the remotest desire to look past myself. Past the murky grayness I feel.

I have been sober for some time now. Many months. A slip here or there keeps it from a clean slate but none the less I have lived a sober life now long enough to see how handling a depressive episode can play out very very differently than when I was actively drinking.

I find its a waiting game.

There is no universal law that says what goes down must come up again. To someone in the midst of feeling low that is certainly true. But somehow that law comes to be reality. I do come back from what feels like a ledge.

This time it lasted a bit over a week. Saturday night I could hardly move. Sunday morning I fought hard to reach out beyond my apartment and myself. Now today I feel a real physical lift like a relief off my chest and not in a figurative way.

Drinking while depressed compounded the issue. I looked away and into my rocks glass. Now I have learned to sit it out. I am stronger than it is. I am smarted than it is. And I am more hopeful than it is despite what I tell myself. Despite the negative self talk.

I guess I just want to tell others to sit tight sometimes. No action does not mean inaction. Taking no action is a loud and clear action in this fight to remain sober. It's a tricky thing the way we think... Or I think... Sometimes.

Managing depressive states does not require I blow up my sobriety. Its just something I can now actually manage. Soberly and sanely. And I am immensely grateful for my sobriety.

Remember to go easy on yourself.

Ken

BTW... I do see a therapist and no I don't need meds. I just need to stay sober.

SoberLeigh

Thank you, Weasel; very insightful post.

Mark1014

Boy did I need to read this today!

strategery

Very nice post Weasel. Thank you!!!

Thepatman

Thanks for this post my friend. It's basically what I've been doing. I am only sober since Jan 05, so I sometimes feel down, like really down. But I hang on to the idea that it will pass.

And it does pass, but man, sometimes it's rough! I repeat positive things over and over like a lunatic. LOL!

Della1968

Pat my sober date is Jan 5th too!

Weasel as always your posts hit home for me. Thank you

Dee74

I hope you come out the other side really soon Ken

D

Weasel1966

Thanks for the comments.

Thanks Dee... I feel like it is lifting. I just cannot believe how different I can handle these when they hit now that I have sober time to draw on. A blessing for sure.

Bailey3

Thanks Weasel. You're a wise man.

DuhDave

Great post Weasel. This is really uplifting for me !

Thank You

DD

mecanix

K ,
I know you weren't looking for advice or whatever but know that the book "depression the way out of your prison" by Dorothy Rowe was a great help to me many moons ago .

There is a way out , you will find it ,

cheers , m

FreeOwl

Good stuff

Weasel1966

Thanks M... I will look it up. I would like to understand how other manage.

Coming out of a depressive state is kind of like finding the desire to stop drinking each time one comes upon me. Scrounging deep inside and saying I won't stand for this any longer and then taking action. The feelings to drink don't necessarily change but how I managed them does.

How I find the strength to see I am depressed and then what I know I must do to work through it is what has been so amplified by being sober. My depressive sonar of sorts helps me find my way much easier like a submarine finding its way deep under water.

Hope that makes sense.

MythOfSisyphus

Great thread, Ken. And for some reason it reminds me of the old joke...Two young fish are swimming along one day when they meet an old fish. "How's the water, kids?" the old fish says. As he swims by one of the young fish says to the other, "What the heck is water?"

goose333

I find that exercise and daily meditation helps me with depression. Practicing meditation helps me calm that negative voice inside that judges everything I do.

Plure

Thanks Weasel, this is a great post.

KateL

Good post. I always tell myself it will pass when feeling depressed because, of course, it generally does xx

Marcher13

Ken, elsewhere on SR Dee said:

and that's what this thread is -- literal gold.

Have a lovely day my friend and goodnight.

AddictGuy

I was depressed for two years after this girl left. I was like, ok, this is where I am -- a kind of acceptance -- and so now what.

Funny, looking back, I would start everyday reading these books that were collections of single frame cartoons from newspapers by one author or another. Just one gag after another. Some of them were just impossible not to laugh at (I especially liked the morbid ones). And there I would be laughing. Depressed, but laughing. I would keep an eye on myself to see, really pay attention: Was there anytime that day that I smiled about anything? Did anyone or anything at work make me laugh? And then I would be like, hey, I just laughed, or I just smiled. I also would appreciate more seeing other people smile or watching them laugh -- just adoring it like looking at a painting. Wow, look at that guy over there. He's laughing. I would listen to the sound of it.

I found that when I was depressed I was able to discipline myself to do all kinds of things that were good for me because it was no longer a matter of doing it because I "felt" like it. I was going to be blue no matter what I did so it didn't really matter how I felt. I have heard of people talking about going into a borg state -- like an automaton. It was kinda like that. I exercised my brains out, literally dieted my fat butt off and got into one of the best shapes of my life. For instance, I didn't care how severely I worked out because I didn't care if it killed me (I really didn't). Ok, that was maybe a little dangerous, but nothing bad happened. And I dropped a bunch of vices because not even they could make me feel good, so to hell with them.

Now that I am not depressed anymore, I have never been able to match that kind of discipline, because, at the time, I didn't care if the discipline killed me, literally, because it sucked to be alive anyway.

I dropped like 50 lbs, and got way built. Compliments of the highest caliber were pouring in. People asked me how I did it. I told them, depression can work wonders . . . . but I don't recommend it.

I took the opportunity to make some good things happen.

But as far as the depression itself, I kept thinking about something Ben Franklin said:

Happiness is not one big thing. It's lots of little things.

So I just started paying attention to what those little things might be. And the more I noticed the little things, the more little things would start to emerge. I guess you could call it emotional diversification. That worked -- and I was in great shape and had a lot of good habits motivating right along.

Ruby2

hanks for the post Weasel. Every day I always found got a little lighter if I just kept moving. And repeating to myself "this too shall pass."
M
I've found myself more depressed lately because I'm tired. I'm tired of getting up every morning and putting on heavy bulky layers of clothing to combat the cold. I feel like it's weighing me down literally and figuratively as winter just keeps coming at us. Maybe you are in the same boat. But spring will come. One day at a time we inch towards it.

I hope you have a great day. You've helped make my morning a better one.