winter67

my daughter of 22 got out of rehab almost 2 weeks ago for heroin, she lasted about 4 days and went back to using . I had to make her leave because I thought I was going to have a anxiety attack being around her in her drugged state. she has nothing. she told me she would have to sell her self to get by. I keep telling myself I have to do this as not to enable her.so heart wrenching.

Chino

Not enabling her is a stellar reason but protecting your own health and well being is even more important. I know the relapse is bad enough but the emotional manipulation is rubbing salt in your wounds. Please take gentle care of yourself.

Lovenjoy

winter i am so sorry for what you are going through, it is heart wrenching. we only have the power to change our own lives and situation for the better... we can't save them, we really can't, but we can save ourselves. your daughter can change her life and situation too...

or she can choose not to use - and have your support. her choice. ^^^this is pure manipulation and i am very proud of you for not allowing the addiction to win. she has the tools but if she only lasted 4 days after rehab it seems she had already made her choice before she came home. and the addiction led her to believe she could use with you supporting that. you. said. no.

tough love means many things to me as the mother of an addict. it means i love him enough to get out of his way by not enabling. it also means, to me, that i love myself enough to remember i matter. my peace and security matters even if it means turning away from my child. which is very, very tough...

be kind to yourself sweetie. my thoughts and prayers are with you. and i pray God wraps a cloak of safety around your daughter and helps her to want to live again in the light...

stick close to SR. you are not alone and we truly understand and care more than you can imagine.

p.s. i hadn't noticed that you just joined SR. welcome and i am soooo sorry you have the need but you have found a wonderful community. SR has helped me find my balance... be as well as you can be my friend.

Morning Glory

Hi winter,

I always visualize a life preserver when I think about my son. I can throw it out to him, but he has to grab it to keep himself from drowning. If he grabs it I will use all my strength to pull him in and do whatever it takes to get him to safety. If he doesn't grab it, it would not do either of us any good if I jump in and drown with him.

Letting your daughter stay at home when she doesn't want to grab that life preserver is the same as drowning together. Hopefully she will grab it if she treads water long enough and gets really tired of living life that way. I'm sure you've tried numerous ways to help her before it got this bad.

Try to keep yourself above water right now. I know how hard it is to have them out there. I also pray for your daughter's safety.

greeteachday

I'm glad you are here, Winter - there are lots of parents and other family members who know exactly how you are feeling. It took a lot of strength to let your daughter know that you can't stand by and watch her self destruct. As painful as that is to do, it is truly empowering her with choices. I know as a Mom, it was always the easier road for me to make things easier for my kids. It was only when addiction came into the story that I came to understand that I was robbing them of the chance to be fully in control of their lives and to not only accept the consequences of their actions but to also rejoice in their triumphs.

I like Morning Glory's image of the life preserver...I hope your daughter will choose to reach out for it soon. In the mean time, I hope you will join the wonderful folks here in supporting each other.

vaya

I feel your pain and frustration, Winter. I have gone through this with my AS and now am facing it again today, since he had to leave rehab for a dirty test. I'm toying with the idea of letting him stay one night, maybe, or in my car, just to make sure he's ok and safe, while he goes tomorrow to see about options. Tough love is sooo hard, especially when our loved ones are heroin addicts as my son is. However, regardless of what I choose tonight, I know he will have to come to realize on his own the consequences of his choices and I cannot allow him to live with me. I found the courage to not let him live with me anymore 9 months ago. Going to my meetings and reading and sharing here has been a big help. He's been in 2 rehabs, each for 2 months in the last 5-6 months, when he had nowhere else to go.Now he is at that point again and because of his own choosing. I feel your struggle and support you in your decision. What others have said about drowning with your daughter is so true. Hang in there and know there are many here who understand what you are going through.

irisgardens

winter...welcome...and although I am sorry you had to come here...it is a good place to learn better how to apply that life preserver example from MG.

i had to do the same thing with my active heroin addict daughter in June 2014--actually...she went no contact with me...I got really really sick as she is the third daughter and 3rd of 5 to use...although this seems as if it has been the worst and longest lasting...and have been working since then to recuperate some of my self care tiny steps that had made progress on with the previous 2 daughters and other addicts in my family previously. It has been super hard and took a long time...am just now doing a bit better...but have kept the boundaries...and she cannot live with me...as I tried that for the last time in November/December 2013--she promised to detox (but only at home)--it was too painful for my husband (& I was working) and got her into rehab...only to find that although she lasted 2 weeks...truly...she was never clean from start to finish.

Then she got arrested and I prayed she would get into jail but, after being denied bail by all the family (she called everyone she still thought she could manipulate)--she got herself out on some program with an attorney...added more to the debt she keeps piling up. The judge and DA (in our famously liberal town) tried to help by postponing for 6 months--one month at a time...and trying to get her to the drug diversion program which she wouldn't do on her own. The judge reprimanded the PD and audibly said (early on) that he wasn't serving his client's best interests. Found out later that they helped because I asked...and also they both try to help addicts into programs because of their own experience in their own families or friends with drugs.

Then...she cut me off...it was clear that I wasn't manipulable. Since then she made contact with her father and he chose to enable rather than to stand with me...as he finally did with the 2nd. I am in my own recovery...so have had to turn them both over to my HP and to work on my own side of the street.

You did well...it is so hard...and just sending you prayers and care...what your daughter said is what a lot of female addicts do...my daughter has been observed panhandling for her bf (a long-time dealer from so CA) in the City and also steals and as far as I have learned these things, along with prostitution go with the whole thing. I pray for her to have the willingness to reach out and be willing but she is not willing...although she lies about it when we are on the phone...

I am praying for you and daughter...take care of yourself and know that you are in a good place here.

Twofour

I like the life preserver so true. So where we all are. Makes it so clear. Thank you