Trying to calm myself right now -- I hate the lies!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
Trying to calm myself right now -- I hate the lies!
I just found out, inadvertently, (honest, I wasn't searching) that my AH (who claims to be in recovery) is planning on going out drinking tonight, when he told me this morning that he was going to AA after work. He asked me for cash this morning, am I ever glad I had zero cash. I hate the lies! I just hope karma comes to bite him big time.
Anyways, my anxiety is spiking this minute, and I'm trying to calm myself, get my focus back and take care of me. Just one more reminder why he can't be in plans for MY future.
How do you calm yourself when caught off-guard by the lies and deceit?
Anyways, my anxiety is spiking this minute, and I'm trying to calm myself, get my focus back and take care of me. Just one more reminder why he can't be in plans for MY future.
How do you calm yourself when caught off-guard by the lies and deceit?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Oh boy - I know this feeling! Finding out unexpectedly - UGH....
I work thru this by saying the Serenity Prayer, over and over again until I can "hear" the words and not just say them. I have been known to walk and talk out loud to myself, I journal, sometimes I cry just to let it out, sometimes I find a safe place to just scream out the anger.
Whatever you choose to do just take care of YOU first.
I work thru this by saying the Serenity Prayer, over and over again until I can "hear" the words and not just say them. I have been known to walk and talk out loud to myself, I journal, sometimes I cry just to let it out, sometimes I find a safe place to just scream out the anger.
Whatever you choose to do just take care of YOU first.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gettingstronger.....I hand it all over to the Universe to deal with. The Universe has the power that you don't.
Also, it always helped me to visualize the alcoholic with a big "S" on their forehead---S for "sick".
dandylion
Also, it always helped me to visualize the alcoholic with a big "S" on their forehead---S for "sick".
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Sorry you are dealing with this, the lies and deceit really is hard to take isn't it, and the emotions that come in the aftermath of this.
Is there something that you could do right now or for the evening to distract yourself from the anxiety and the wondering thoughts of what he is doing?
Hugs to you
Is there something that you could do right now or for the evening to distract yourself from the anxiety and the wondering thoughts of what he is doing?
Hugs to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your support and kind words.
I've been praying, non-stop for the last 20 minutes. And the picture that came into my mind was that of my 3 very lovely children. They are all decent, honest, kind, compassionate human beings and I am ever so grateful for them.
Every time an incident like this pops up, I mourn just a little more, over the loss of what my marriage was supposed to be.
I've been praying, non-stop for the last 20 minutes. And the picture that came into my mind was that of my 3 very lovely children. They are all decent, honest, kind, compassionate human beings and I am ever so grateful for them.
Every time an incident like this pops up, I mourn just a little more, over the loss of what my marriage was supposed to be.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by gettingstronger 
Every time an incident like this pops up, I mourn just a little more, over the loss of what my marriage was supposed to be.
Hugs...you're doing all that you can!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Can you make a special night for you and your kids?
Originally Posted by gettingstronger
I just found out, inadvertently, (honest, I wasn't searching) that my AH (who claims to be in recovery) is planning on going out drinking tonight, when he told me this morning that he was going to AA after work. He asked me for cash this morning, am I ever glad I had zero cash. I hate the lies! I just hope karma comes to bite him big time.
Anyways, my anxiety is spiking this minute, and I'm trying to calm myself, get my focus back and take care of me. Just one more reminder why he can't be in plans for MY future.
How do you calm yourself when caught off-guard by the lies and deceit?
Anyways, my anxiety is spiking this minute, and I'm trying to calm myself, get my focus back and take care of me. Just one more reminder why he can't be in plans for MY future.
How do you calm yourself when caught off-guard by the lies and deceit?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
ladyscribbler, there's a meeting at my church, in the classroom directly across the hall from where my husband's AA meeting is held.
If I go, and he's not there, or shows up obviously having been drinking, how do I handle this? Ignore this? I hate confrontations, but I also hate ignoring the elephant in the room.
The one thing that I am clearly getting from him, right now, is that he is not at the point of really wanting sobriety. I will never understand how his mind works, and I think I am ready to just accept that.
If I go, and he's not there, or shows up obviously having been drinking, how do I handle this? Ignore this? I hate confrontations, but I also hate ignoring the elephant in the room.
The one thing that I am clearly getting from him, right now, is that he is not at the point of really wanting sobriety. I will never understand how his mind works, and I think I am ready to just accept that.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Right now you're living in "what if" land because of a choice you think that he might possibly be making tonight. Nothing has actually happened yet.
What it you take this one moment at a time. Get out to your meeting or spend some quality time with the kids (great suggestion by Earthworm) or whatever you feel will make you the happiest tonight. Then take some quiet time, away from the chaos of his choices to think about what YOU want YOUR boundaries to be. This really isn't about his decision to drink, but about what you are willing to accept in your life and your home and your marriage.
Big hugs to you and your kids.
What it you take this one moment at a time. Get out to your meeting or spend some quality time with the kids (great suggestion by Earthworm) or whatever you feel will make you the happiest tonight. Then take some quiet time, away from the chaos of his choices to think about what YOU want YOUR boundaries to be. This really isn't about his decision to drink, but about what you are willing to accept in your life and your home and your marriage.
Big hugs to you and your kids.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Dear gettingstronger
That meeting is for you, for your side of the street (hallway). If you want to go to your meeting, go.
Lies. They reveal how much the A despises himself, that he can't live in truth. My AH just lied to me last night, over and over, about how he went to 2 meetings back to back. Nope. Twas a lie. The lies make me sad, angry, and manipulated. I think feeling manipulated is the worst of all of the feelings. How to deal? I truly don't know. I got in an argument this morning about his lies once he revealed that he had lied.
It's impossible to ignore the lies because their recovery, or not, affects our future.
To me, the lies are as bad as the drinking.
That meeting is for you, for your side of the street (hallway). If you want to go to your meeting, go.
Lies. They reveal how much the A despises himself, that he can't live in truth. My AH just lied to me last night, over and over, about how he went to 2 meetings back to back. Nope. Twas a lie. The lies make me sad, angry, and manipulated. I think feeling manipulated is the worst of all of the feelings. How to deal? I truly don't know. I got in an argument this morning about his lies once he revealed that he had lied.
It's impossible to ignore the lies because their recovery, or not, affects our future.
To me, the lies are as bad as the drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
What is hard for me to understand about myself - is why do I always feel a little surprised or shocked that he lies -- even about the smallest things? When I know everything he says is false. Can't drop the kids off on time...some reason that is obviously no true...and I just have to turn and know he can sit in that world. I used to make sure he knew the truth but what is the point anymore. If he listened and got real help things would be really different.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
thanks for grounding me. You're right, being upset about him is just a way for me to avoid making progress on my own life. Thinking . . .and praying . . .
merryygoround1, I did feel caught off-guard, even when I know better. I think because I've been trying to trust him more. He complained about me not trusting him, that it hurts his feelings. Well, boo hoo. A person who doesn't earn trust doesn't merit it from me. My AH really doesn't get how lies are so damaging to relationships.
Back to the plan -- protecting myself and my kids in our future.
merryygoround1, I did feel caught off-guard, even when I know better. I think because I've been trying to trust him more. He complained about me not trusting him, that it hurts his feelings. Well, boo hoo. A person who doesn't earn trust doesn't merit it from me. My AH really doesn't get how lies are so damaging to relationships.
Back to the plan -- protecting myself and my kids in our future.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Aw. Hugs...
Unfortunately, when it comes to my AH, while it pisses me off to no end when I unravel another of his lies, it doesn't surprise me at all...and perhaps that's what I have to confront myself with every time.
It does not surprise me that he continues to lie...so every time I catch him doing it I also have to ask myself if I want to put up with it anymore.
Unfortunately, when it comes to my AH, while it pisses me off to no end when I unravel another of his lies, it doesn't surprise me at all...and perhaps that's what I have to confront myself with every time.
It does not surprise me that he continues to lie...so every time I catch him doing it I also have to ask myself if I want to put up with it anymore.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: MD
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by gettingstronger
thanks for grounding me. You're right, being upset about him is just a way for me to avoid making progress on my own life. Thinking . . .and praying . . .
merryygoround1, I did feel caught off-guard, even when I know better. I think because I've been trying to trust him more. He complained about me not trusting him, that it hurts his feelings. Well, boo hoo. A person who doesn't earn trust doesn't merit it from me. My AH really doesn't get how lies are so damaging to relationships.
Back to the plan -- protecting myself and my kids in our future.
merryygoround1, I did feel caught off-guard, even when I know better. I think because I've been trying to trust him more. He complained about me not trusting him, that it hurts his feelings. Well, boo hoo. A person who doesn't earn trust doesn't merit it from me. My AH really doesn't get how lies are so damaging to relationships.
Back to the plan -- protecting myself and my kids in our future.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Oh man, I know that exact feeling and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it right now. 
That anxiety and fear and anger all mixed together is intense sometimes.
I think hitting up a meeting is an excellent idea to regain your own serenity. In addition to finding solace in the fact that you're working on a plan B or already have a plan B in place.
Sending you hugs. I hope you find a way to detach and relax this evening!
That anxiety and fear and anger all mixed together is intense sometimes. I think hitting up a meeting is an excellent idea to regain your own serenity. In addition to finding solace in the fact that you're working on a plan B or already have a plan B in place.
Sending you hugs. I hope you find a way to detach and relax this evening!
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