Jane11

So I haven't posted for a little while, I've wanted to but I've just been reading other posts instead, which have been helpful as usual, and trying to give some support to others with my words (words that I can't seem to even follow myself)!

I just feel exhausted, completely drained, unmotivated, flat, **** basically!
I haven't even felt like I've had the energy to post, how pathetic is that.

I cut contact with him a few weeks ago and that lasted for about two weeks, then he emailed me. I hadn't blocked him there. First it was all how 'nuts' his life has been with a relative of his that I don't like and how he can't face reality without me so he's destroying himself. Then he told me his relative was ill (same relative I don't like) and the two of them have been on a self destruct path because they both love women who have walked away from them (because both of them treated the women like **** maybe)?!

I responded here and there and now it has gone into a daily exchange of messages, I can't even remember some of the first ones but basically as I see it blaming me for cutting him off, he came all the way to see me (drunk and resulted in a huge bust up and ultimatum between me and my family- see previous posts), him basically saying that he loves me and I don't care etc which is BS. The messages about him going 'nuts' with the relative that I hate seemed like they were just designed to get to me and have me thinking as his cousin just seems to go around getting with girls and drinking that's what my axbf has been doing too- although of course he denies this.
Then they have gone into him saying he has had an epiphany, he knows he treated me so badly, he needed this amount of crazy to finally stop, he will get better and he knows I will want him then but maybe it will be too late- I see this as designed to make me think oh no and beg him, I didn't I said that surmised what he was like then didn't it.

Then he goes on to say how much he loves me, he sees how he has treated me and behaved like a psycho (his words) and he would understand if I wanted to cut contact (guilt trip?) but he just wishes I would listen to him and take it in. Like I say I can't remember all the messages and I don't have the energy to look back through them. He showed me a pic that he is back on anti depressants, says he has a referral from the doctor for some kind of therapy (although these are details that he seems to hold back until I say something along the lines of it's all words and I've heard it all before).

Yesterday he told me I would be 'proud' of him as after four weeks of his none stop drinking he was cleaning his mothers house and sorting everything out. This just made me mad- I'm supposed to feel proud and give him a pat on the back after everything he has put me through? I told him that in similar words.

I've told him again and again it's just words, there's no action to back them up.

I'm just so tired, I've said to the family member I am staying with that he has been contacting me via email and I have responded a few times- but I don't want it all to blow up in my face that I am still in contact regularly with him. I don't want to keep having the pain of the contact and feeling hopeful to be let down again, but I don't want to not be in contact. I don't even know what I want. I just want to be happy. Yes I still want that to be with him despite everything. I read enough here and elsewhere to know it's rare that these things have happy endings so why can't I get that into my head?

I just feel completely lost. I don't want to be alone but I felt alone with him. I don't want to be with anyone else as all I think about is him, everything reminds me of him, I love him, I can't stop thinking about him.

Why can I not just let this go? Why am I still so lost months and months on? Will I ever let myself cut contact with him and admit all hope is lost on that one, move on, it's done? I don't feel like I want to.

I feel emotionally shut off. I don't want to go out, see people, talk to anyone. I haven't cried properly in weeks. I've had a few tears here and there but I feel like I am stuffing my emotions and now I can't even cry and just feel the sadness. Seriously what is wrong with me? I feel like I took a few steps forward and now I've just gone a million steps back all over again.

I know, I know you will say I need to cut contact and cut him out for good, but I just can't bring myself to do that because I still have such strong feelings for him, and I guess I am hopelessly thinking it can be figured out but also knowing that I could be let down again and again and there are huge hurdles that would have to be gotten over for it to ever be ok again.

I just feel lost and like I'm stuck in a huge rut and I shouldn't be. To some extent I think I have made progress in some ways but then I think have I made any?

He's told me that he spoke at length with his doctor and decided on one on one therapy because he won't be pushed into doing rehab or hospital or AA when that isn't right for him- but I don't know whether that is true and would actually give him a chance of getting better or whether it's all just false hope for me all over again. I told him his life his choice as what else can I really say.

I'm just lost.

jjj111

There are a lot of sayings that are popular amongst people in recovery. They're popular because they hold the distilled wisdom of countless people who have been there and done that. Two of my favorites are "let go or be dragged" and "nothing changes if nothing changes." For me, I didn't start to feel less hopeless until months after breaking up with my AXBF. In the months I spent finding myself again, talking to him would probably have given me some brief relief from the guilt and anxiety, before it generated more guilt and anxiety. But four years on, I feel more at peace with myself than ever would have been possible if I'd stayed in touch with him.

knowthetriggers

I am guilty of this myself Jane11.

I made the mistake of thinking I was okay for almost 10 years, and look where I am today, back working my program to get myself out of my funk.

Keep sharing and keep posting friend!

Jane11

Thanks for your replies. You are the only people who seem to understand me and right now I just don't understand myself.

seasaw

Hi Jane! You DO sound exhausted! I definitely stopped posting here for 5 or 6 days I think and I felt badly because I knew I was seeking support and not feeling able to return it. I think that probably happens to everyone here sometimes (I HOPE! )

Yes maybe the best thing to do is cut off contact for good. I haven't read your past posts I don't think, and maybe that's why I can offer an alternative -

What if you took a week off? One week. Restore some strength, mental and emotional, treat yourself in some different ways (what do you do to treat yourself, btw?), take care of a few things you've been putting off, and give yourself a little breather from thinking about all that - which you are most certainly entitled to do!! It really sounds like you could use some down time!

So you could send him an email saying "Hey, I care about you, but I need to not talk for one week. Please respect that boundary because I'm really stressed and tired and I need to focus on my own stuff for seven days. I'll talk to you next Wednesday."

hopeful4

Honey, I think you know what you need to do. It's up to you and only you to do it.

XXX

fluffyflea

Unfortunately they seem to get a real hold over us.........

ajarlson

They do don't they. Damn. I was just wondering, why won't they let us go? Surely there must be other alcoholics that they could stick onto - why do they cling so tight? Mine said all the things - suicide, love you, sorry, hate you, I'm leaving (never actually did), I'll go to rehab, I'll quit drinking, I'll hurt you...whatever needed to be said at that moment to keep me from bolting. And it worked for too long, I knew he would never let me go voluntarily but could not figure out WHY? Aren't they just as miserable in the relationship as we are? I still wonder that, he has to be happier now that I'm not nagging him about drinking or asking him about smashing cars or moving his alcohol from its hiding place, but apparently he's still complaining to our adult kids about how much it hurts and he loves me so much and doesn't know why I left. Argh.

fluffyflea

Good question, never thought of it like that. But again they have their issues too.........

fluffyflea

But I suppose they calculate who will put up with them......ha ha ha

Slothy

Sending you lots of hugs!! I too sunk back in that hole but am just starting the climb out through what only will work for me....No Contact!! Praying for you!

redatlanta

Lots of hugs Jane I know this is tough.

I don't have much advice. You just want it to all be ok, and its not. I think this is your predicament. Wishing and hoping can keep us locked in a place that's not good.

Let go or be dragged is a very good saying. Have you contacted your own doctor about how you are feeling? perhaps and anti depressant while you are figuring all this out would be helpful.

Jane11

Seasaw I wish I could just say to him you know I need some time and headspace but unfortunately it doesn't work like that with him and doing that would just open the gates of hell I fear. As for treating myself I don't really know what I do anymore, I just look at myself and see a mess, I'm tired and run down and I look it. Eye bags, face of spots, hair looks a mess, I've lost weight but I'm starting to become overly critical of my body and obsessed that I'm getting fat. I have always enjoyed food but now I eat and I feel panicky judging myself that I am putting on weight because truth be told I liked myself when I was super slim in the midst of all the chaos because I lost quite a bit of weight.

I started doing yoga as this is something I always wanted to do but I feel as if I have zero enthusiasm for this, going to the lessons seems like a huge chore instead of something I look forward to. I brought a book on mindfulness as this is something that has always interested me and I thought may also help my current mindset but I've read some and then just seemingly given up (I read some to axbf when we were still in ok talking terms and as silly as it sounds I now feel like it's ruined it for me).

I just feel lost. I do a little work for a relative part time from home, I struggle to even have the motivation to do that but know I must as I am being paid for it. Then I worry about money, why don't I have a 'proper' job, I don't have my own place to live, I have nothing really. But I do have a loving family and one particular good friend so I should be grateful- and I feel awful that I am not. I have always wanted to start my own small business and have taken a few steps to do this but again I just lack motivation, direction, enthusiasm. It's a task just to get out of bed and have a shower most days. I know I am a drain on the relative I live with because of my attitude but I can't help it. I know I am wasting precious life but I just can't seem to snap out of it.

I should just cut him off I should go no contact, but why don't I want to? Everything everyday just reminds me of him. I'm alone most days, I don't have any friends here, just my relative and that makes me down. I don't have a big group of friends in general, and I really feel bad for that. I look around or on social media and see other people with all their friends, happy, doing things and I think I wish I had more people who could just be a distraction and some nice time, but right now I don't want to be around anyone new or anyone old that I've not seen in a while who might broach the dreaded question of "how's life been". I'm lonely I know it and I worry that I will always feel this way and don't know how I change that. At times I feel like I want to meet someone just to take my mind of it all, but then my thoughts just go back to him and the thought of meeting someone else makes me feel sick, even though for all I know he has.

Keeping in contact just keeps me wondering what he has and hasn't been doing, is he truthful with me or not, will I stay in contact and then suddenly find out some awful truths that will crush me. Idk.

Redatlanta yes I do just want it to all be ok, but it isn't, and it's probably not going to be which is what I can't seem to get my head around. I want him but I don't. I love him but I also hate him for what he's done to me. I want to move on but I want to go back. I just feel lost in limbo.

I need to register with a doctor but as I am only staying with my relative and she is not registered locally I've been told I can't register which is a bit annoying. I need to look into this more. I don't want to take anti depressants I have never liked the idea of this but maybe they could refer me to a councillor. I need to look at online Al Anon but again I've just got no motivation to do anything. I am my own worst enemy and this is a huge pity party I realise this so I'm sorry, I just can't seem to get a grip of myself.

schnappi99

I've had periods of feeling lost too, and others where I've been so invested in some activity that I can't think of anything else.. sort of the flip side of the same thing. The first thing that really got me w/ the alanon program was the "do the next right thing" proposition. Some days thats just going from bed to shower to clothes.

it sounds sort of like you feel as if you have the weight of everything on your shoulders and are squashed beneath. I was listening to an alanon speaker recording this morning (Tom W), he spoke about depression- his own, and he relayed some of Bill Wilson's trouble with it as well. The message was to let go of all the weight and do some simple life-affirming things- take a walk, feel yourself breathe, maybe practice counting in your head to quiet the strung out mental fatigue. The mental rat-race will eat you alive from the inside out... I've been there too. Seeing a doc about depression makes sense too, but I sure know how hard the hump is to get over to call them.

The "next right thing" doesn't require enthusiasm, motivation, or belief, just action- the nice part is lots of the next right things are small. Some days its hard to achieve much and thats OK.

I've always had trouble meeting people and forming more than generally social relations with them- but alanon was a big surprise there, being in-program that presents so many points upon which I identify, I really value the people I've met there.. .I look forward to my home group meeting every week.

Jane11

I feel as if I can't even just 'be' and show signs of struggle because I am expected to just get over it by the people around me.

For example tonight my relative wants me to attend a meal with her work colleagues, I said I won't be going as it's a work thing and I really don't feel up to it (ie. sitting there feeling and looking totally out of place as every other person there has industry knowledge and works in the same industry aside from me), and surely she has noticed that I've just been very quiet lately, but no what I get is no you are coming, such and such likes you so you have to come- I just feel like screaming I don't want to come, YOU want me to go for YOU so that you don't have to get a cab there alone and back basically, you aren't trying to help me, I have said I don't feel up to it so please respect that.

I feel more and more down each day when I thought I would feel a tiny bit better each day, and I don't feel as if anyone around me gets it.

LexieCat

So is it really that you would feel "out of place" or is it that you want to sit at home alone so you can keep obsessing over this extremely unhealthy relationship? Even if this relative wants to share the cab, she is giving you a place to live, not to mention a job. Will it hurt you to go? Even if it's a little uncomfortable, your comfortable isolation isn't helping you.

You don't have to "get over it" immediately, but you can start taking some steps in that direction. Sitting at home, isolating, and obsessing are not going to help you.

Jane11

Lexie, I do agree that isolating and obsessing aren't going to help me but I just honestly don't feel up to going for a meal with people where I will be well out of place. I know what she and them are like and it will be all business talk and I will just feel like an idiot.

I get she is giving me a place to stay and a job but at the same time I pay my way to her, i do 80% of all housework, I do 95% of all cooking and meals and a lot of work I did for her for free until recentyl her boss offered to pay for my help.

What I don't like is that I feel she doesn't listen and has no concept of me being allowed to make a choice. Just earlier in the week for example I told her I was going to meet with another colleague in one of the offices on Monday and she instantly just said "no, no your not doing that you will do it this way" - despite the fact that it makes more logistical sense for me and the other collegue to meet as arranged and she doesn't need to actually be involved.

I also explained that I wasn't feeling up to going for the meal earlier in the week and she just brushes it off with "no, no you have to come" and then leaves the room after giving her stern instruction. Just now she said we will leave at X time and I explained I wouldn't be going as previously said and it's like she just disregards what I say and said "well yes I know you said that but" and then continues to put a HUGE guilt trip on me about how she will have to cancel my seat at the place, how it's a let down, etc. she then proceeds to storm out of the room huffing and puffing, make food and then stomp to her room and shut herself in. Five minutes before this she was being perfectly nice so it just seems to me like if she doesn't get her own way then it's a huge guilt trip (she is the master of these and guilt trips me over the smallest things) and then she strops and now I will probably get the silent treatment if the 'usual' play out is anything to go by.

Then she will over exaggerate the story to my family to sound like I massively let her and everyone down (I never actually confirmed I was going to anyone), and once again I will be this crazy ungrateful person. I know she tells only everything she sees that she does for me (and I am very grateful) but there is never a mention of anything I do for her as she always has to be the saint and martyr and has always been like this.

Honestly the whole thing is just getting me down even further, I feel as if I have to do everything she says or she basically has a massive strop and guilt trips me and then won't speak to me. I know I am no party to live around but I already said I would go to the cinema this weekend with her (despite not actually wanting to), and I have made efforts that have been out of my current comfort zone but it's like it has to be everything her way or that's it and I'm sick of feeling as if my emotions are disregarded yet I'm constantly being made to feel guilty by her (and then consequently my family) when I have enough guilt to bear.

As a side note, I don't remember if I posted about this but not so long ago me and her made plans to attaend an exercise group and had both been looking forward to it, she arrived home late, steaming drunk, we got into a heated discussion because I said I didn't think it suitable to go in that state, to which she then stood and verbally abused me telling me "how does it feel to be let down and shat upon", said the most vile things about my axbf (yes some deserved but what I wanted to have yelled at me from a drunk person- no), and she then told me to F off and pack my stuff. I did the only thing I thought right in that moment and left for a walk. At which point she rings my family telling them she had had one drink (she got in and vomited 3 times, stunk of alcohol and couldn't keep her head from bobbing), said I had just 'ran off' and I had tried to hit her?! (I asked her to step aside as she was blocking me in a room and when she refused I gently took her arm so I could move past her. Basically then my whole family call me saying I am acting insane unstable I can't just go off in the middle of the night, I needed to apologise to HER for how I had behaved?! She told them her version of events as always and I am left to feel guilty like I have done something wrong.

Sorry I've just rambled on and on but yea I'm in a bad place right now and she is only adding to it. Maybe I'm being selfish but I would at least have respect for someone else's emotions and decisions and listen to them and not then guilt trip, storm off and silent treatment.

I just don't get it, am I being unreasonable? I don't feel as if I am....

I would also actually just like to stay in tonight and catch up with my best friend on the phone as she has been really busy, and I did 20 minutes of yoga last night (forced myself) and would like to do the same again, and have also got some design work I keep putting off but would like to spend maybe an hour doing. I know I can't stay in and isolate and dwell but I also don't see why I should force myself to do something that I won't feel comfortable doing and why I should be made to feel like the worst person on earth for this. My head is in a constant spin of emotions anyway and all this is just giving me major anxiety.

dandylion

Jane....I also, agree, that when we are depressed...sometimes we just have to "force" ourselves to do some things that are required or necessary.
(this is on the principle of "action precedes feeling").
After all, the relative was the only person between you and the street....so, you might have to practice a little compliance....lol.

It is true that family and acquaintences do grow tired and impatient when they have witnessed someone suffering in a "bad" relationship for a long period of time. While it is true that they may not really understand it from your point of view---it is simply a fact that they will grow tired of it....After a while...they will start to draw their own boundaries. This seems to be human nature.
This is why it is better to have others to talk to about it, who have an understanding of your feelings.

You sound depressed, to me, Jane. Surely, there is some way for you to get some help along this line?

dandylion

dandylion

Jane...I just read you last post..a few seconds AFTER I had already posted.
I wish I had known more of the details. She sounds, frankly, like someone who would be difficult for anyone to live with...and, I noted the alcohol part, also.
I can absolutely identify with how this environment could be incredibly stressful, in itself.
I can see a HUGE complication....that it seems like the whole extended family dynamic is brought into this!! LOTS of manipulation and drama.

Jane...even more reason that you need to get yourself to a point of getting out of there!
Quite frankly, if I had to live with some of my relatives....I would welcome a shelter, first!! At least at the shelter...the rules are straight forward and the staff isn't drunk and running their own personal "soap opera".

Jane, you are going to need several months of mourning and healing...and, you need th erapy and treatment.
Please start making a plan for your overall emotional survival....

dandylion

jjj111

Jane, wasn't there a night a while back when you went out with your relative's work friends and had too much to drink and felt embarrassed afterward? And it sounds like your relative also sometimes drinks too much? It sounds like the issues with alcohol are running through your life in several ways at this point, and not only with your ABF. I can understand if you are re-thinking what you want your boundaries to be re: alcohol. Was not going last night partly about not wanting to drink and/or be around others who are drinking? You are in a difficult spot. Getting to an Al-Anon, where you can be around people who have decided not to allow alcohol to disturb their peace of mind, might be really good for you, and might help also with the loneliness you are feeling. Good for you for doing a little yoga, that always clears my mind!