I drank last night
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
I drank last night
In the interest of full disclosure and honesty, both to myself and others, I'm writing this morning to say that I drank last night. It didn't just happen: it has been brewing and my Av had been whispering in my ear the last two weeks as work stress increased. I had stopped giving myself treats and treating myself with kindness. Instead, I kept pushing myself.Yesterday things came to a head: a long two hour meeting that was truly toxic, followed by a two and a half hour seminar. My partner wasn't home when I got home.
I stopped and bought beer on the way home. I knew I should post here instead, but if I think about it honestly, I didn't want to and made a bad choice. I quickly drank two beers and went to bed.
I am humbled by what happened and scared how easily i allowed 5 months sobriety slip from my fingers. I plan to stay close to Sr and reconstitute the things that were working so well.
Thank you for listening. I'm truly saddened by the choice I
Made last night and how seemingly
Effortlessly I made it.
Ps: remaining beers poured out. Forgive the funny spacing hand typos: I'm on the phone.
I stopped and bought beer on the way home. I knew I should post here instead, but if I think about it honestly, I didn't want to and made a bad choice. I quickly drank two beers and went to bed.
I am humbled by what happened and scared how easily i allowed 5 months sobriety slip from my fingers. I plan to stay close to Sr and reconstitute the things that were working so well.
Thank you for listening. I'm truly saddened by the choice I
Made last night and how seemingly
Effortlessly I made it.
Ps: remaining beers poured out. Forgive the funny spacing hand typos: I'm on the phone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 346
Thank you for your honesty. I have been feeling a bit cocky lately and this is a reminder that I need to check myself.
Good for you on pouring them out this morning.
You seem level headed about what happened, which is great. Use this to adjust your plan as needed and stay the course.
BIG HUG!
Good for you on pouring them out this morning.
You seem level headed about what happened, which is great. Use this to adjust your plan as needed and stay the course.
BIG HUG!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 36
Hi Matilda, other people with more experience will be along but I just wanted to say I admire your courage in admitting your mistake(s) and being honest with yourself and others about what you may have done wrong. I've made mistakes recently that I deeply regret and I'm trying to tell myself that I can make the best of them by taking them as learning opportunities and growing from each one. It sounds like you've already identified the things that may have led to this relapse and ways in which you could change your responses to those things in the future... Which is awesome. Congrats on your new beginning today... We just keep moving forward, right? :-)
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Welcome back Matilda. The most important thing you can do is be true to yourself and learn...which it seems you have done. Straying away from support was my downfall several times as well, it happens. Move forward.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
I'm truly grateful for the wisdom and support here. Honestly, I feel quite ashamed. I also recognize that
Shame is one if
My av's favorite tools, so I'm trying to be aware of that. It was part of what made posting this morning hard, but necessary. None of us-myself included-can do this alone or, maybe more importantly, none of us have to.
Shame is one if
My av's favorite tools, so I'm trying to be aware of that. It was part of what made posting this morning hard, but necessary. None of us-myself included-can do this alone or, maybe more importantly, none of us have to.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
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Welcome back Matilda...this is a reminder of how easy it is to forget why we stopped to begin with. I'm glad you only had 2 and are not real sick today. And bravo for dumping the rest out. Dust yourself off and learn from the experience. You caught yourself...it could have been a lot worse.
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Originally Posted by matilda123 
I stopped and bought beer on the way home. I knew I should post here instead, but if I think about it honestly, I didn't want to and made a bad choice. I quickly drank two beers and went to bed.
I am humbled by what happened and scared how easily i allowed 5 months sobriety slip from my fingers.
I am humbled by what happened and scared how easily i allowed 5 months sobriety slip from my fingers.
I broke a string of days in recovery, thousands of days. But I didn't break my desire to live a clean and sober lifestyle. And that's what I am today, clean and sober and blessed to be so.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 327
Thanks for sharing. I hate that feeling too, when you know you shouldn't and you do anyway, but good for you for only drinking 2 beers. I dont think you ever lose the time you accumulated. So congrats on the 5 months you have. Keep moving forward.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
Happyandfree, I know it could have been so much worse given my history of binge drinking.
But what I'm mindful of is the way I felt when I drank those two beers: sad, stressed and just wanting to shut off. That is what got me to the place I am at and I really need to be mindful of. That pattern.
The irony isn't lost on me that I successfully refrained from drinking while my partner was out of town and during the holidays. I was extra vigilant during those times and clearly need to remain so in my dAily life, especially during times of stress.
But what I'm mindful of is the way I felt when I drank those two beers: sad, stressed and just wanting to shut off. That is what got me to the place I am at and I really need to be mindful of. That pattern.
The irony isn't lost on me that I successfully refrained from drinking while my partner was out of town and during the holidays. I was extra vigilant during those times and clearly need to remain so in my dAily life, especially during times of stress.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 136
For the duration of the first beer, did you enjoy it? What compelled you to go for a second, but then stop at two?
Good on you, for whatever reason, for stopping. When some folks bust, it is a huge binge (as in my case)
Good on you, for whatever reason, for stopping. When some folks bust, it is a huge binge (as in my case)
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hatilda! I got out of "shape" before. Letting things go in my recovery. Not reaching out. Not taking care of myself. I did what you did. I didn't say no. I'm glad you came back here right away. I kept going. About three months. Until I found SR and got busy and started building a support network.
You have five months. Good for you! Take care of yourself.
You have five months. Good for you! Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I broke a string of days in recovery, thousands of days. But I didn't break my desire to live a clean and sober lifestyle. And that's what I am today, clean and sober and blessed to be so.
You can do this.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ruby - I think you were distracted by your own giant and feathery hat!!
It is so funny, but I really "see" all of you as your avatars. When I think of you, Ruby, I think of that pale face emerging under the giant black hat.
So, Hatilda, you handled it just right - just two, pour them out, come on the board and talk it through. I have similar triggers for alcohol; I work in a very stressful "business" (politics) and there are some days that I stagger home, emotionally and mentally exhausted, just wanting to curl up inside that "blanket of alcohol."
Like you, once I've made the internal "decision" to drink, I will not be distracted or deterred with checking in with SR or my AA community. I will just go. I have a decisive personality. So I have to stop the intention before it gets to the decision stage.
One part of that for me has been really looking at my relationship with work and with my work identity. I am trying to integrate some new behaviors into my work behaviors which - I hope - will release some pressure on a regular basis:
I get regular body work.
I leave work on super long days, drive all the way home, and take my dog for a walk. I do this stubbornly, even if it feels like I shouldn't leave the office.
I am taking food to work more often (still not 100% on this, but improving), fruit and salad, etc., so that I am not starving, or filling myself with carbs and sugars on available office food. I feel more patient when I am eating clean.
I am trying to sit silent ALL THE WAY THROUGH meetings sometimes. I usually feel an intense responsibility to "contribute" ideas, but have realized that every time I do so, I am becoming invested in outcome (and often taking on additional tasks). I'm working on appearing silent and wise. If I can only pull it off every other meeting, I'm still ahead.
I'm starting to mentally explore what I'll do after this gig (I have a couple more years, still), including taking a class at the local college in something I may be able to turn into an income stream. Having possibilities that I'm excited about always relaxes me, even if I don't do them.
I'm trying to say "I don't know" and "what do you think we should do?" and "I have no experience with that." I realize that I've made a career out of always having answers and projecting unbending confidence, and that is an exhausting front to maintain.
I take days off when I need to. This is very difficult for me, because I am then "behind" at work, but it is helping me feel better about my life.
Finally, on days that I'm not racing home to walk the dog, I go to the lunchtime AA meeting. Having that break in the middle of my day makes a vast difference in how I feel about my work.
My approach to your relapse would be to look at the stressors which built to that level, and to chisel them down to a more manageable size in the future...
It is so funny, but I really "see" all of you as your avatars. When I think of you, Ruby, I think of that pale face emerging under the giant black hat.
So, Hatilda, you handled it just right - just two, pour them out, come on the board and talk it through. I have similar triggers for alcohol; I work in a very stressful "business" (politics) and there are some days that I stagger home, emotionally and mentally exhausted, just wanting to curl up inside that "blanket of alcohol."
Like you, once I've made the internal "decision" to drink, I will not be distracted or deterred with checking in with SR or my AA community. I will just go. I have a decisive personality. So I have to stop the intention before it gets to the decision stage.
One part of that for me has been really looking at my relationship with work and with my work identity. I am trying to integrate some new behaviors into my work behaviors which - I hope - will release some pressure on a regular basis:
I get regular body work.
I leave work on super long days, drive all the way home, and take my dog for a walk. I do this stubbornly, even if it feels like I shouldn't leave the office.
I am taking food to work more often (still not 100% on this, but improving), fruit and salad, etc., so that I am not starving, or filling myself with carbs and sugars on available office food. I feel more patient when I am eating clean.
I am trying to sit silent ALL THE WAY THROUGH meetings sometimes. I usually feel an intense responsibility to "contribute" ideas, but have realized that every time I do so, I am becoming invested in outcome (and often taking on additional tasks). I'm working on appearing silent and wise. If I can only pull it off every other meeting, I'm still ahead.
I'm starting to mentally explore what I'll do after this gig (I have a couple more years, still), including taking a class at the local college in something I may be able to turn into an income stream. Having possibilities that I'm excited about always relaxes me, even if I don't do them.
I'm trying to say "I don't know" and "what do you think we should do?" and "I have no experience with that." I realize that I've made a career out of always having answers and projecting unbending confidence, and that is an exhausting front to maintain.
I take days off when I need to. This is very difficult for me, because I am then "behind" at work, but it is helping me feel better about my life.
Finally, on days that I'm not racing home to walk the dog, I go to the lunchtime AA meeting. Having that break in the middle of my day makes a vast difference in how I feel about my work.
My approach to your relapse would be to look at the stressors which built to that level, and to chisel them down to a more manageable size in the future...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
Originally Posted by heartcore
Ruby - I think you were distracted by your own giant and feathery hat!!
It is so funny, but I really "see" all of you as your avatars. When I think of you, Ruby, I think of that pale face emerging under the giant black hat.
So, Hatilda, you handled it just right - just two, pour them out, come on the board and talk it through. I have similar triggers for alcohol; I work in a very stressful "business" (politics) and there are some days that I stagger home, emotionally and mentally exhausted, just wanting to curl up inside that "blanket of alcohol."
Like you, once I've made the internal "decision" to drink, I will not be distracted or deterred with checking in with SR or my AA community. I will just go. I have a decisive personality. So I have to stop the intention before it gets to the decision stage.
One part of that for me has been really looking at my relationship with work and with my work identity. I am trying to integrate some new behaviors into my work behaviors which - I hope - will release some pressure on a regular basis:
I get regular body work.
I leave work on super long days, drive all the way home, and take my dog for a walk. I do this stubbornly, even if it feels like I shouldn't leave the office.
I am taking food to work more often (still not 100% on this, but improving), fruit and salad, etc., so that I am not starving, or filling myself with carbs and sugars on available office food. I feel more patient when I am eating clean.
I am trying to sit silent ALL THE WAY THROUGH meetings sometimes. I usually feel an intense responsibility to "contribute" ideas, but have realized that every time I do so, I am becoming invested in outcome (and often taking on additional tasks). I'm working on appearing silent and wise. If I can only pull it off every other meeting, I'm still ahead.
I'm starting to mentally explore what I'll do after this gig (I have a couple more years, still), including taking a class at the local college in something I may be able to turn into an income stream. Having possibilities that I'm excited about always relaxes me, even if I don't do them.
I'm trying to say "I don't know" and "what do you think we should do?" and "I have no experience with that." I realize that I've made a career out of always having answers and projecting unbending confidence, and that is an exhausting front to maintain.
I take days off when I need to. This is very difficult for me, because I am then "behind" at work, but it is helping me feel better about my life.
Finally, on days that I'm not racing home to walk the dog, I go to the lunchtime AA meeting. Having that break in the middle of my day makes a vast difference in how I feel about my work.
My approach to your relapse would be to look at the stressors which built to that level, and to chisel them down to a more manageable size in the future...
It is so funny, but I really "see" all of you as your avatars. When I think of you, Ruby, I think of that pale face emerging under the giant black hat.
So, Hatilda, you handled it just right - just two, pour them out, come on the board and talk it through. I have similar triggers for alcohol; I work in a very stressful "business" (politics) and there are some days that I stagger home, emotionally and mentally exhausted, just wanting to curl up inside that "blanket of alcohol."
Like you, once I've made the internal "decision" to drink, I will not be distracted or deterred with checking in with SR or my AA community. I will just go. I have a decisive personality. So I have to stop the intention before it gets to the decision stage.
One part of that for me has been really looking at my relationship with work and with my work identity. I am trying to integrate some new behaviors into my work behaviors which - I hope - will release some pressure on a regular basis:
I get regular body work.
I leave work on super long days, drive all the way home, and take my dog for a walk. I do this stubbornly, even if it feels like I shouldn't leave the office.
I am taking food to work more often (still not 100% on this, but improving), fruit and salad, etc., so that I am not starving, or filling myself with carbs and sugars on available office food. I feel more patient when I am eating clean.
I am trying to sit silent ALL THE WAY THROUGH meetings sometimes. I usually feel an intense responsibility to "contribute" ideas, but have realized that every time I do so, I am becoming invested in outcome (and often taking on additional tasks). I'm working on appearing silent and wise. If I can only pull it off every other meeting, I'm still ahead.
I'm starting to mentally explore what I'll do after this gig (I have a couple more years, still), including taking a class at the local college in something I may be able to turn into an income stream. Having possibilities that I'm excited about always relaxes me, even if I don't do them.
I'm trying to say "I don't know" and "what do you think we should do?" and "I have no experience with that." I realize that I've made a career out of always having answers and projecting unbending confidence, and that is an exhausting front to maintain.
I take days off when I need to. This is very difficult for me, because I am then "behind" at work, but it is helping me feel better about my life.
Finally, on days that I'm not racing home to walk the dog, I go to the lunchtime AA meeting. Having that break in the middle of my day makes a vast difference in how I feel about my work.
My approach to your relapse would be to look at the stressors which built to that level, and to chisel them down to a more manageable size in the future...
Where I need to take ownership is that these storms(and much worse) are continually passing through. That is life. The mistake I made was that things seemed to be getting better, so I let my routines and micro-habits that support my sobriety slip.Then, when I needed them most, they weren't there.
I am particularly grateful for what you said about navigating meetings. I have often been the go to person. I don't need to be and I need to leave the ego at the proverbial door, which often gets me jumping up and fixing things.
Speaking of taking care, I chose to go into work later today (very lucky that I had this option this morning). Put a big leg of lamb in the crockpot with potatoes and veg, so I'll have something yummy to eat when I get home.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 529
I drank last night, too. The liquor store was out the usual cheap rotgut I normally drink, so I spent double for a bottle of something "better". It got me bombed, to the point that I don't remember much from last night.
Woke up this a.m. and poured the rest down the drain. Was completely p!ssed at myself. I'm not in good financial shape right now and I can barely afford to feed my 2 cats. What the he!! was I doing buying expen$ive booze? What is wrong with me?
I'm an alcoholic. I'm addicted to booze. I've allowed my Addictive Voice to control me.
Woke up this a.m. and poured the rest down the drain. Was completely p!ssed at myself. I'm not in good financial shape right now and I can barely afford to feed my 2 cats. What the he!! was I doing buying expen$ive booze? What is wrong with me?
I'm an alcoholic. I'm addicted to booze. I've allowed my Addictive Voice to control me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'n not picking on you JD cos I know you know this...but I want to pick up on something...we're all alcoholics/addicts.
That fact alone isn't really a suitable excuse for drinking or using again
I really recommend to you guys or anyone else reading who's struggling: do more.
Think of things you can add to what you've been doing. If you need more support, find it and use it. If you need to make more changes to your life, then do that - don't back away from something cos it's difficult.
This is the fight of your life. Bring everything you have to it.
D
That fact alone isn't really a suitable excuse for drinking or using again
I really recommend to you guys or anyone else reading who's struggling: do more.
Think of things you can add to what you've been doing. If you need more support, find it and use it. If you need to make more changes to your life, then do that - don't back away from something cos it's difficult.
This is the fight of your life. Bring everything you have to it.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
Dee, you are absolutely right. I had some good systems in place, but let myself become compliant. One thing I am going to do over the next couple of days is some inventorying and think through what I can do to make sure this doesn't happen again.
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