NearSyncope

Hi everyone. I was wondering if anyone could help me understand something about making amends. There's someone I feel like I might need to make amends to. But he's someone who, intentionally or unintentionally, has hurt me really badly recently, emotionally. I've been feeling tremendous guilt and shame for what happened and I really would like to be able to make some amends to him. I think it's going to be extremely difficult for me to recover if I keep carrying that guilt and shame. What I'm confused about is how you make amends to someone who has also hurt you... What he did to me was not okay and I'm confused about whether apologizing to him and making amends is going to send the message that everything that happened was my fault and that it's okay. I've had the same issue (or maybe the opposite issue?) with my mother. I've tried to apologize to her for some things and she now feels so badly for what she did to me in the past that she won't even listen. I'm pretty confused in general right now, and don't even know if this makes sense to anybody? But if it does I would appreciate any thoughts that anyone has. Thank you.

least

You're not supposed to make amends if it would hurt you or others. If this person hurt you badly, I don't see the need for making amends, especially if it's going to make you look "in the wrong".

LBrain

least took the words write out of my fingers...

Thepatman

Yes yes yes

Spacegoat

Hi NearSyncope. It makes sense to me, and I'm just as confused as you about two very similar circumstances.

This relates to step 9 in AA and it's also a huge part of Christian doctrine. I understand the concept intellectually and even spiritually because, well actually, I have done it already. And it has backfired horribly on me. I'l spare the details. So it's making me uneasy about AA and being comfortable with Christianity, something I very much was before. The Christian thing says you should keep making amends no matter what, so if somebody is kicking you in the face you are to ask for their forgiveness basically? I'm not an expert on theology but help me God…

Very confusing altogether, I can't help you much but for I'm in the same boat here. I'l be following the answers if thats ok.

LexieCat

The "amends" step is supposed to be taken only after you've worked the previous eight. AND it's always recommended that you undertake it only with the guidance of a sponsor, to be sure you are doing it in a way that won't be harmful and that you are doing it in the right spirit.

Do you have a sponsor? What is s/he telling you?

Della1968

This is an awesome post I have been having the same feelings about someone. Thanks for the post.

NearSyncope

Hi LexieCat, thanks for your reply. I've had some trouble finding a sponsor before and more recently I've had some trouble with going to meetings. Partly because of trust issues, partly because I have some trouble with the concept of a higher power. I am totally willing to accept the idea of a higher power as something other than the traditional Christian idea of a personal God... I would love to believe in a personal God but I just can't get that kind of faith through my head…but I've had some trouble finding a sponsor that's willing to work with that. I was asking about amends because it's been suggested to me by various people including some professionals that I should try making amends right away because they think the guilt and shame I'm having is so much of an obstacle to my recovery. I know the steps aren't written that way but I thought they probably knew better than me? It's all very confusing to me…. I appreciate everyone's input.

Dee74

I'm not in AA but I agree with those who say wait.

Whatever these amends are they obviously way heavily on you. In a few months you'll be far better emotionally equipped to deal with this, IMO

I don't need to know details but if this guy hurt you with no provocation...I'm not sure you owe an amends anyway.

I know AA says to look at your part but sometimes...there is no 'your part' (again IMO)

D

neferkamichael

NearSyncope, I have a AA friend who made an amend to a person he wronged and the individual told him I hope you die drunk and slammed the door in his face. There is no way to predict how the person is going to behave. He may very well use your amend as a justification that you were in the wrong, you can't control that. Making an amend is also to heal yourself, rootin for ya.

LexieCat

I'd suggest getting your hand up at a few meetings to let people know that you're looking for a sponsor willing to work with someone whose Higher Power isn't a personal God. My bet is that you'll find one in short order. There are plenty of agnostics/atheists in AA, and even more people who wouldn't be in the least bit critical or judgmental of someone who has that kind of concept of a Higher Power.

I know it feels awkward to do, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Otherwise, confide in a couple of people with some time in the program and ask if they have any suggestions. I'd bet that within a week or two you'd have a sponsor willing to work with your beliefs.

FreeOwl

somehow at an intuitive level I know that making amends is apart from the other's actions.

Whether or not we were wronged, clearing our own weight of having BEEN wrong is the point.

However, I share your conundrum. I feel I owe some amends to my ex-wife at times for some of what I brought to our relationship with my drinking. Yet she acted in so many hurtful ways toward me, and continues to do so even now in my life on a regular basis.

HOW??? HOW do I set that aside and forgive, then go beyond forgiveness to actually humbling myself to make amends to her?

I believe on a fundamental level that if I am ever able to grow to that point, it will be liberating and healing for me. Yet I struggle mightily with the idea.