This is going to suck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: cocoa fl
Posts: 2
This is going to suck
I'm married to a good man who provides for his family, is a good father, and loves me very much (at least that's what he says when he's sober...) We've been married for 7 years - together for 10. The first episode he had was after we'd been married for 3 months. After my brother's wedding he became physically abusive and I thought then, "oh ****... what did I get myself into?" But we both drank a lot that night, I probably did something to set him off. So, I meant what I said when we exchanged vows. Unfortunately, that thought has never gone away. We drink. Everyone we know drinks. About once or twice a year he drinks to a black-out where he becomes dangerous - verbally and physically abusive. He never remembers it or what set him off. I do. I used to cry about it - then we'd have this whole long cry fest - pouring out our hearts - he'd promise "never again" and stop drinking for months.
Drinking has never been a problem for me. I don't come from a divorced, or alcoholic family. I don't drink to get drunk. I don't like being drunk. It makes me puke. I can enjoy a few beverages, some good conversation. I have a personal relationship with God and don't have the hate in my heart that my AH has. I have self-control, and I extend forgiveness because God has extended it to me - and for no other reason than that alone. I will forgive again, eventually, but I'm going to have to dig down really deep this time.
This weekend on vacation, snowed in with our entire family in the cabin he had his annual black-out, abusive episode. He said horrible things to me and held me up against a wall by my throat. He pushed me through drywall and cornered me in a closet. I said I'm done. He says he's going to AA this week. He's saying all the right things - "I have unresolved issues" "I love you" "I love our children" " I thought I had it under control" Blah, Blah, Blah...
So now what? I'm pissed off. I don't feel like helping him any more. His apologies are super-fantastic (he's gotten the speech down after giving it so many times.)
I don't feel like supporting him through his "recovery". I don't cry any more. I feel sorry for him - I guess that's what this is? He's pathetic. I get it, "Its a disease" Still I'm done. But we have 3 kids, a home, and a family business so I'm stuck. This is going to suck.
Hopefully I'll update with better news, but right now I'm just pissed off that he's put me in this situation - having to choose between teaching my daughters that abuse is completely crossing the line - You should leave a man that's abusive. Or teaching them forgiveness. Don't tell me you can teach them both. I don't see that right now. One day at a time right? Whatever.
Drinking has never been a problem for me. I don't come from a divorced, or alcoholic family. I don't drink to get drunk. I don't like being drunk. It makes me puke. I can enjoy a few beverages, some good conversation. I have a personal relationship with God and don't have the hate in my heart that my AH has. I have self-control, and I extend forgiveness because God has extended it to me - and for no other reason than that alone. I will forgive again, eventually, but I'm going to have to dig down really deep this time.
This weekend on vacation, snowed in with our entire family in the cabin he had his annual black-out, abusive episode. He said horrible things to me and held me up against a wall by my throat. He pushed me through drywall and cornered me in a closet. I said I'm done. He says he's going to AA this week. He's saying all the right things - "I have unresolved issues" "I love you" "I love our children" " I thought I had it under control" Blah, Blah, Blah...
So now what? I'm pissed off. I don't feel like helping him any more. His apologies are super-fantastic (he's gotten the speech down after giving it so many times.)
I don't feel like supporting him through his "recovery". I don't cry any more. I feel sorry for him - I guess that's what this is? He's pathetic. I get it, "Its a disease" Still I'm done. But we have 3 kids, a home, and a family business so I'm stuck. This is going to suck.
Hopefully I'll update with better news, but right now I'm just pissed off that he's put me in this situation - having to choose between teaching my daughters that abuse is completely crossing the line - You should leave a man that's abusive. Or teaching them forgiveness. Don't tell me you can teach them both. I don't see that right now. One day at a time right? Whatever.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
A man putting his hand on you in anger is a deal breaker.
Call the domestic violence hotline in your area and start making plans to leave - quietly. Don't tell him. Just make plans.
Please do it today. ((Hug))
Forgive him from a safe distance. Can you call your pastor? Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues. Abuse is not something you can live with and get past, in my opinion. It always escalates. Let people know, talk about it, get help now.
Call the domestic violence hotline in your area and start making plans to leave - quietly. Don't tell him. Just make plans.
Please do it today. ((Hug))
Forgive him from a safe distance. Can you call your pastor? Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues. Abuse is not something you can live with and get past, in my opinion. It always escalates. Let people know, talk about it, get help now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
A man putting his hand on you in anger is a deal breaker.
Call the domestic violence hotline in your area and start making plans to leave - quietly. Don't tell him. Just make plans.
Please do it today. ((Hug))
Forgive him from a safe distance. Can you call your pastor? Abuse is not something you can live with and get past, in my opinion. It always escalates. Let people know, talk about it, get help now.
Call the domestic violence hotline in your area and start making plans to leave - quietly. Don't tell him. Just make plans.
Please do it today. ((Hug))
Forgive him from a safe distance. Can you call your pastor? Abuse is not something you can live with and get past, in my opinion. It always escalates. Let people know, talk about it, get help now.
Welcome to SR; I am truly sorry for what brings you here.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome Nowwhathappens im really sorry that happened i really agree with bim can you call the domestic abuse hotline and get help
were here for you your not alone ((( )))
Domestic Violence | Florida Department of Children and Families
Florida Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org
Domestic Abuse Shelter - A New Beginning
These links are local to you in florida
its nice to meet you
were here for you your not alone ((( )))
Domestic Violence | Florida Department of Children and Families
Florida Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org
Domestic Abuse Shelter - A New Beginning
These links are local to you in florida
its nice to meet you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 36
Hi nowwhathappens,
This is only my opinion… But I noticed that you said this:
And I hope you know and believe that it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do... He's the one that was in the wrong and there's no way that your husband abusing you was your fault.
I can only imagine that you must feel like you're in an impossible situation and that must feel awful. Again, this is only my opinion… I believe in forgiveness, but I don't believe it necessarily has to be given out indiscriminately. Is it possible that your husband might need to play a role in the forgiveness process by making meaningful changes to ensure that he's never going to hurt you again? I also don't know if forgiving your husband necessarily means that you have to stay with him. Your safety, and the safety of your kids, has to come first. I hope that things get better and that you get a lot of support here.
This is only my opinion… But I noticed that you said this:
Originally Posted by nowwhathappens
. After my brother's wedding he became physically abusive and I thought then, "oh ****... what did I get myself into?" But we both drank a lot that night, I probably did something to set him off.
I can only imagine that you must feel like you're in an impossible situation and that must feel awful. Again, this is only my opinion… I believe in forgiveness, but I don't believe it necessarily has to be given out indiscriminately. Is it possible that your husband might need to play a role in the forgiveness process by making meaningful changes to ensure that he's never going to hurt you again? I also don't know if forgiving your husband necessarily means that you have to stay with him. Your safety, and the safety of your kids, has to come first. I hope that things get better and that you get a lot of support here.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I work in the field of domestic violence professionally, and I have for many, many years.
Please take the recommendation to call the DV hotline or your local women's shelter. Florida has some great resources to help you. You need some guidance and you need a safety plan. Nobody will force you to do anything you aren't ready to do (like leave), but you know this situation is horrible for your children.
Abusive behavior and alcoholism are two separate issues. The majority of alcoholics are not physically abusive, and most abusers aren't alcoholics. And blackout drunks are aware of what they are doing WHILE they are doing it, even if they don't remember it later.
Please call and talk with an advocate.
Please take the recommendation to call the DV hotline or your local women's shelter. Florida has some great resources to help you. You need some guidance and you need a safety plan. Nobody will force you to do anything you aren't ready to do (like leave), but you know this situation is horrible for your children.
Abusive behavior and alcoholism are two separate issues. The majority of alcoholics are not physically abusive, and most abusers aren't alcoholics. And blackout drunks are aware of what they are doing WHILE they are doing it, even if they don't remember it later.
Please call and talk with an advocate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: cocoa fl
Posts: 2
Thank you all. Sober Husband is a kind and loving man - I am not afraid of sober husband. That's what is so mind-baffling about all this!!!! I think that's why it took us so long to address his abuse! It's crazy. I don't understand it. And it's not a "typical" domestic abuse situation- if there is such a thing. I don't know.
So, 5-days-sober-Husband attended his first AA meeting the night I wrote my original post. He went to a men's group at his mom's church last night for men dealing with all kinds of issues. Both nights he came home and cried a lot. He admitted last night that he's been doing his whole life all wrong...that's he's never really understood forgiveness or salvation or what a personal relationship with God means. That he can't believe how he's gotten this far. He cries a lot. I've never seen him cry. He can't believe the love and forgiveness my family and I have extended to him over the years... He told me he prayed yesterday, really prayed for the first time ever in his life. He said his prayer was, "take it all - I don't want this **** any more." He cries a lot. I don't cry or say much - I'm just listening right now. ( I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't say "****" when you're praying.... ok that was a lousy attempt at humor.) One day at a time, right?
So, 5-days-sober-Husband attended his first AA meeting the night I wrote my original post. He went to a men's group at his mom's church last night for men dealing with all kinds of issues. Both nights he came home and cried a lot. He admitted last night that he's been doing his whole life all wrong...that's he's never really understood forgiveness or salvation or what a personal relationship with God means. That he can't believe how he's gotten this far. He cries a lot. I've never seen him cry. He can't believe the love and forgiveness my family and I have extended to him over the years... He told me he prayed yesterday, really prayed for the first time ever in his life. He said his prayer was, "take it all - I don't want this **** any more." He cries a lot. I don't cry or say much - I'm just listening right now. ( I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't say "****" when you're praying.... ok that was a lousy attempt at humor.) One day at a time, right?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello dear:
I just want to say that you are NOT stuck. Yes, it's going to be hard to leave (if that's what you decide), but you aren't stuck. You have to care for yourself and kids first. It is NOT ok for him to put his hands on you no matter what. And it only takes one time, one push you hit your head and die (even if he didn't mean to do it). I'm not saying this to scare you I'm saying it because I have seen it. People will do to you what you let them do to you so you have to set boundaries and stick to them. I'm not telling you to do one thing or another, but I think that it's time to have the serious conversation. By you putting up with it you are enabling him. I truly hope that he gets better but what he does is up to him. What you do is up to you. It's a tough situation so know that we are we to support you.
Hugs to you!!!
I just want to say that you are NOT stuck. Yes, it's going to be hard to leave (if that's what you decide), but you aren't stuck. You have to care for yourself and kids first. It is NOT ok for him to put his hands on you no matter what. And it only takes one time, one push you hit your head and die (even if he didn't mean to do it). I'm not saying this to scare you I'm saying it because I have seen it. People will do to you what you let them do to you so you have to set boundaries and stick to them. I'm not telling you to do one thing or another, but I think that it's time to have the serious conversation. By you putting up with it you are enabling him. I truly hope that he gets better but what he does is up to him. What you do is up to you. It's a tough situation so know that we are we to support you.
Hugs to you!!!
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
Originally Posted by biminiblue
A man putting his hand on you in anger is a deal breaker.
Call the domestic violence hotline in your area and start making plans to leave - quietly. Don't tell him. Just make plans.
Please do it today. ((Hug))
Forgive him from a safe distance. Can you call your pastor? Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues. Abuse is not something you can live with and get past, in my opinion. It always escalates. Let people know, talk about it, get help now.
Call the domestic violence hotline in your area and start making plans to leave - quietly. Don't tell him. Just make plans.
Please do it today. ((Hug))
Forgive him from a safe distance. Can you call your pastor? Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues. Abuse is not something you can live with and get past, in my opinion. It always escalates. Let people know, talk about it, get help now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
My ex husband used to hit me. It didn't happen all the time and in many other ways he was a great partner and father and provider. He used to blame it on the booze too. I called ******** then and I call ******** today. When he choose to get violent he was very careful about who was around.... the kids were never in the room, his friends were never over, my friends he didn't care what they thought. He was always on his best behaviour in front of my family but once back handed me in the mouth at his dad's house. Abuse is abuse and a person gives themselves permission to be abusive. He thinks it's ok to do it to you. Drinking doesn't help but it's not an excuse. Your husband will do it again and again. You need to get out. Screw him and his fake sorry tears. Is he really sorry? Really really really really sorry? **** that noise. You can do better than some piece of crap excuse of a man treating you like that!
Get out before he hurts you really bad. Do not forgive him or believe him.
Get out before he hurts you really bad. Do not forgive him or believe him.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
I stayed for far too long with an abusive man and I often think my children are disrespectful at times because of this. They now know that it was wrong but these behaviours are often learned and I sometimes have to remind them that abuse, either physical, or verbal like theirs, in neither normal or acceptable. I wish he had gone earlier. xxxx
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