2-22 trigger day - nailed it!
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Location: the Low Lands
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2-22 trigger day - nailed it!
It's early in the morning on the 23rd of February in the Netherlands. Day 52 for me!
Let's go back a year and a day. That day couldn't have started any better, beautiful weather so I went to saddle my horse, to take him for a nice long ride. He was such a good boy, galloping through the meadows, was just wonderful. Besides that I was looking forward to going to a birthday of a friend, whose son I had a crush on so butterflies all around.
Later that day, I went shopping for a couple of drinks to calm my nerves a bit, because that's just what I did. On my way back I noticed some road construction and had to limit my speed, but the driver behind me did not like me doing that. For a couple of miles he was stuck behind me, tailgating with flashing lights, just being a Hugh Jazz, well two can play that game so I kept my speed, but getting kind of angry. Finally a second lane came up so he could pass. He did, but then took a swerve in front of me and hit his brakes. I could barely stop in time and by now, I got really mad. Not even scared when he got out of his car, I opened my window to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. His answer was to punch the living daylights out of me and he sped off into the dark. I managed to pull over and sat down by the side of the road, had a drink, like I said, that's just what I did. Cop pulls over, escalated quickly, ended up being chased, dragged to the ground by some 5 or 6 cops (I'm so strong when I'm terrified), tossed in jail for the night. Not even the worst night of my life, I'm sorry to admit. Had my nose broken, eyesocket shattered, concussion, afterwards I wasn't really finding any support so came to deal with full blown ptsd, especially when a lot of my past trauma decided it was a good time to come bubbling up. So I stumbled through the rest of 2014.
Felt like I was drowning. Nightmares of drowning. Thoughts of drowning myself. Almost drowned myself by being drunk and careless. Wanted to give up.
But through all the memories that came to surface, I found that I had already given up on myself at the tender age of 11. Maybe even sooner. Auch. I never really gave myself a second chance. When I adopted a little stuffed bunny, once loved but then discarded at a thrift store, it seemed to ask me, you're giving me a new chance at life, why not yourself? So I did, with the bunny as a reminder that we both didn't deserve to fade out like that.
Now the douche that made my life hell last year, they never caught him as I was unable to remember his license plate. He was of Moroccan descent. We have a lot of them here, calling themselves Muslim. Yesterday, my day started with the news that a group of them went around a nearby town, beating up random people, two guys and one girl, all three of them ended up in the hospital. Those guys will probably never have to answer to what they did as well, because it happened so fast, as they were attacked from behind (how brave is that) neither of the three victims can identify any of the culprits. Then I came across an interview with young boys of that same descent, saying how Dutch women need to be physically abused because they are too empowered.
Not weird that I got scared, right? Fearing that this is the way all of them think. It pushed all of my buttons and I really started to miss the bravado that came with drinking. But then I remembered how that faithful day started. If I had been on my big brave German horse, this guy wouldn't have had the balls to come up to me. If he would, I would have hunted him down like a dog. So I went to my horse. I'm never scared when I'm with him. And I thought about how, even though I was scared as hell all of last year, I still call people out on bad behaviour. I'm no coward like these guys, preying on the weak, I'm always one to speak up when others just stand by, and that wasn't just the booze talking. I would gladly risk another punch in the face to make sure people like him don't get to decide how the good people of the world go about their day. I can't give in, because the world needs more of me and less of him. And I need to be sober so I can rely on myself, and others on me, for staying safe.
Last night I had a dream about someone offering me a drink, and I politely declined. And this morning, for the first time in my life I can honestly say to myself:
And to SR, while rarely posting, reading all of your stories, and loving responses, does pull me through the hard times.
Let's go back a year and a day. That day couldn't have started any better, beautiful weather so I went to saddle my horse, to take him for a nice long ride. He was such a good boy, galloping through the meadows, was just wonderful. Besides that I was looking forward to going to a birthday of a friend, whose son I had a crush on so butterflies all around.
Later that day, I went shopping for a couple of drinks to calm my nerves a bit, because that's just what I did. On my way back I noticed some road construction and had to limit my speed, but the driver behind me did not like me doing that. For a couple of miles he was stuck behind me, tailgating with flashing lights, just being a Hugh Jazz, well two can play that game so I kept my speed, but getting kind of angry. Finally a second lane came up so he could pass. He did, but then took a swerve in front of me and hit his brakes. I could barely stop in time and by now, I got really mad. Not even scared when he got out of his car, I opened my window to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. His answer was to punch the living daylights out of me and he sped off into the dark. I managed to pull over and sat down by the side of the road, had a drink, like I said, that's just what I did. Cop pulls over, escalated quickly, ended up being chased, dragged to the ground by some 5 or 6 cops (I'm so strong when I'm terrified), tossed in jail for the night. Not even the worst night of my life, I'm sorry to admit. Had my nose broken, eyesocket shattered, concussion, afterwards I wasn't really finding any support so came to deal with full blown ptsd, especially when a lot of my past trauma decided it was a good time to come bubbling up. So I stumbled through the rest of 2014.
Felt like I was drowning. Nightmares of drowning. Thoughts of drowning myself. Almost drowned myself by being drunk and careless. Wanted to give up.
But through all the memories that came to surface, I found that I had already given up on myself at the tender age of 11. Maybe even sooner. Auch. I never really gave myself a second chance. When I adopted a little stuffed bunny, once loved but then discarded at a thrift store, it seemed to ask me, you're giving me a new chance at life, why not yourself? So I did, with the bunny as a reminder that we both didn't deserve to fade out like that.
Now the douche that made my life hell last year, they never caught him as I was unable to remember his license plate. He was of Moroccan descent. We have a lot of them here, calling themselves Muslim. Yesterday, my day started with the news that a group of them went around a nearby town, beating up random people, two guys and one girl, all three of them ended up in the hospital. Those guys will probably never have to answer to what they did as well, because it happened so fast, as they were attacked from behind (how brave is that) neither of the three victims can identify any of the culprits. Then I came across an interview with young boys of that same descent, saying how Dutch women need to be physically abused because they are too empowered.
Not weird that I got scared, right? Fearing that this is the way all of them think. It pushed all of my buttons and I really started to miss the bravado that came with drinking. But then I remembered how that faithful day started. If I had been on my big brave German horse, this guy wouldn't have had the balls to come up to me. If he would, I would have hunted him down like a dog. So I went to my horse. I'm never scared when I'm with him. And I thought about how, even though I was scared as hell all of last year, I still call people out on bad behaviour. I'm no coward like these guys, preying on the weak, I'm always one to speak up when others just stand by, and that wasn't just the booze talking. I would gladly risk another punch in the face to make sure people like him don't get to decide how the good people of the world go about their day. I can't give in, because the world needs more of me and less of him. And I need to be sober so I can rely on myself, and others on me, for staying safe.
Last night I had a dream about someone offering me a drink, and I politely declined. And this morning, for the first time in my life I can honestly say to myself:
And to SR, while rarely posting, reading all of your stories, and loving responses, does pull me through the hard times.
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