Hopeworks

Today was an interesting morning as I woke up to the newspaper article on one of my first serious boyfriends being featured. He was the one who just wasn't "exciting" enough for me with my chaotic dysfunctional childhood background. He went on to complete his Masters and work in the scientific field and is now financially free and now is using his scientific knowledge in another field that benefits humanity.

After curbing this lovely man and a few others just like him that just didn't light up my brain with the crazy making chemicals I chose men that were roller coasters of insanity...just like dear old alcoholic dad. Yesterday my last "love" was texting me bizarre evil texts because he has relapsed yet again and is drunk in the streets of a major city 2500 miles away completely broke and I won't send him money.

The reason I am sharing this with all of you today is that I have now been in active and authentic recovery for my ACOA and codependency for four years and I see it all so crystal clear now. Why I did the things I did and why I lit up like a Christmas tree when a handsome, charismatic alcoholic entered the room that I simply had to HAVE!!!

Be careful what you wish for because sometimes you get what you want. I got what I wanted and I wanted the life of the party that made me swoon with butterflies in my stomach. Once I had them I had to fix them and it became a mission from God and nothing was off the table. With my XA now toxic texting I was the martyr that kept his alcoholic ship afloat when I should have torpedoed it so he might have learned how to survive on his own and find his own recovery.

Four years ago I learned that and let him go and have stood my ground that he had to go one year sober before I would see him. I have blocked him when he was drunk and supported him when he went into rehab and recovery but refused to see him or give him money.

Now we are four years of that scenario and he never made more than eight months sober. Not once in four years. Now his liver is shot, his heart is shot and his brain must be coming close to mooosh with swiss cheese holes through out. He has gotten progressively more angry, vindictive and truly evil when drinking as those years of addiction progressed. This last time he had been sober 4 months and 3 weeks and had gotten a car and a job. He showed up plastered the second day and got fired. Sold the car and drank it up in 4 days time. His mother put a restraining order on him after he threatened her while blacked out on pills and alcohol.

Like being on the bow of the Titanic I feel like I have to let his hand go and watch him drift down to the bottom of the ocean of addiction. In a few months he will reach out to me and normally I would help him get back into a residential treatment program to get sober and start over or else he would die...literally. Maybe death is the only peace he will get from this evil disease of the mind and soul.

Sadly I am contemplating changing my number and blocking all contact... I just can't take it anymore even at arms length. It is just so heartbreaking even at a distance. I no longer love him like I did and my heart doesn't even register anything except pity now. I am recovered but I am still sad for his mother, his daughters and for the years I have spent anguishing over someone who truly never wanted anything except the next drink.

Honestly... he never... NEVER... broke up with his first love: Alcohol. And that my friends is the key to recovery and life. They have to want to give it up more than their next breath.

So if you are laying awake at night wondering what you should do.... I can't tell you that but I wish I had forced him to take charge of his recovery 100% while his brain wasn't so damaged and I hadn't "trained" him to have me rescue him time after time.

That's my experience strength and hope. I feel like I am at a funeral today.

honeypig

Hopeworks, what a beautifully written post. I'm sorry for the pain you've endured but grateful for the strength and wisdom you've shared. I think if I looked up "recovery" in the dictionary, I'd see a picture of you there!

((((Hugs))))

zoso77

If that's what you need to do in order for you to be steady, then you should do it. Doesn't mean you'll like doing it. It'll mean that, for you, it is really, really over.

But it's like you said:

Be safe.

guava

Wow...what a helpful, thoughtful, thought-provoking post. I'm dealing with about 40 different emotions today and it is helpful to hear your experience and perspective. Thanks for taking the time to post.

NYCDoglvr

What self-awareness you have. All your hard work in recovery really shows. I learned that the problem wasn't the alcoholic, it was me for picking an abusive recovering alcoholic and staying with him. All the roller coaster destructive drama I called love instead of what it really was, need. Alanon saved my sanity and today I know I won't make the same choices.

Eauchiche

You are certainly an inspiration to the rest of us.

I think that your clarity is the point of programs like AlAnon, where we hopefully emerge from the "F.O.G."

Jane11

Hopeworks, what a beautiful post, many thanks for sharing

Katchie

Thank you for sharing all of those mind cookies.

maia1234

HW- Thanks for sharing. It really hit home!!

Hopeworks

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words! I'm traveling and doing great...he has gone quiet so he most likely has found a lair with sympathetic ears. He can spin a tale like no-one else I know!! poor, poor pitiful me... Poor, pour, pour me another

LexieCat

I feel much the same about my second husband. It finally got to where I'd listen to him (always drunk when he made his annual or so phone call) for about 2 minutes, and I'd say, "I have to go, take care of yourself, goodbye." I'm astounded he's still alive. I know how desperately sick he was/is, but there is nothing I could do for him. I visualized putting him in his Higher Power's hands and letting him go.

Thanks for the poignant post. Very familiar.