Jessicams

Whenever my husband messes up again, we'll go a few days without talking. I tell myself everytime that the next time he screws up, i'm outta here. I've even threatened him with that. Yet I'm still here like the fool I am. We'll sit and talk and before you know it my head is clouded and and now my feelings and thoughts are all jumbled together. Why do I let him get to me like that. He gets all sincere and apologetic and before you know it i'm feeling like maybe running out isn't the right thing to do., but deep in my heart I want out so bad. I get so irritated talking to him because it's the same old story, blah, blah, blah. I don't believe him when he says it wont happen again, cause I know from experience it will. I do believe though that he loves me in his own weird way. How do you not let his distorted views of reality in my head. One minute I can be determined as hell to know what I want and after talking to him, I get sucked back in. Sometimes I feel that he is intentionally making a fool out of me and laughing at me. He knows my self-esteem is shot to hell, so in his head he's probably thinking she'll never leave, she too weak. She hasn't left yet or as when I did leave he got me back. I beat myself up over this everyday. Why am I such a fool. Why do I allow him to control me this way. Why can't I just not think of him for once and worry about what I want. Why is it so damn hard to let go. I'm not in love with the man anymore but keep feeling sorry for him and not wanting to hurt him. Why do I care about hurting him, he hurts me. But then his logic is that he's not trying to hurt me intentionally. :banghead:

JT

Jessi...don't beat yourself up. You are caught in the cycle of alcoholism. The dance you are doing is not unique, it is classic.

Arm yourself with information, come here, go to Al Anon if that is what you choose. Pretty soon you will have the clarity you are after.

The thing about leaving before you know WHAT you are leaving is that you will always wonder. If you do your homework now, if you get your thoughts in order and work on that self esteem you will be able to make an informed decision with a clear conscience.

Hugs,
JT

Gabe

Hey Jessi, once you get the focus more on you and less on him, I think you will be more clear on your direction. That shift of focus is a gradual process. You're moving in the right direction.

KelKel

Hi Jess..
Just wanted to tell you hello and that I am thinking of you.
It was nice to meet you in Java Jive chat the other morning...

myles1

Hi,

The reason why your thoughts get clouded and jumbled is because you are being manipulated............for now.


As you work on your recovery by coming to this board,going to meetings you'll slowly become unmanipulatable. He'll lose his power over you. It takes time but it will happen.

And you are right he does figure you won't be able to leave but you will once you get clear on as to what and who you are leaving.

Ngaire

jojo

Jessi - When my fear for what would become of him if I left was overridden by my fear for what would become of me if I stayed, I realized that I needed to go. It hasn't always been easy but I do not miss the life I was living. I feel bad for him but I feel great about me. Hope this helps.

Hugs, Jo

Gracey

I dont have a whole of experience in my recovery yet...but i feel like I am making some strides......I am taking the focus off of my AH........It took me a long time to realize how I was always worried about how he felt and what his needs were that I lost track of what my needs were......this site has helped me tremendously.......I feel like I have some hope again.......but my hope has redirected itself.........my hope is for me to get better.............I am working on my recovery...........I love my husband but he is a grown man and the decisions that he makes in his life he owns.......I cant change that........I can change my decisions in how I react to his decisions in life to make me a happier and healthier person..........I really never looked deep into myself and my life......I have always concentrated so hard on other people, that I became lost. I existed but that was it.......I want to do more then exist.........I want to explore my dislikes and likes, I want to concentrate on how I can be a healthier individual..............I want to get up in the morning and figure out what I can do different that day to make my day go better..........

Karivan

Hi Jessicams. I could have written your post. I've felt the same way so many times. This board and, even though I've only gone to Al-Anon once, has helped immensely. I'm reading the literature everyday, reading the other posts everyday, I'm eating right, and exercising almost daily. I believe that exercise helps so much with the clarity of your thought and getting rid of frustrations. The treadmill really burns off that anger.

Keep posting and read the literature. Hugs.

Bellesarius

Jessi,

JT is spot on. You're caught in the classic cycle. You need some tools and recovery to make a good decision. AA/Al-Anon typically say you should wait until you've been in recovery a year until you make any major life decisions. As you work the program and begin recovering your life and self-esteem your vision will clear and you'll begin to perceive options and know what you have to do. This does take quite some time as you can't think you're way into it.. you can only live your way into this new way of thinking.

Be gentle with yourself, millions each day feel just like you and do nothing about it. You are seeking advice and counsel from others, this is the first step in recovery. Hang in there, do the best you can with what you have and expect to make mistakes, a lot in fact.. everybody gets to make them, we're human!

Keep coming back.

Yreva

Jessi-
I have also been where you are at....it isn't a fun place, full of guilt and shame. It is hard to put the focus on yourself especially when they are so good at making you feel as if you are worthless. I had to finally see that the cycle in my relationship- his drinking, apologizing and then after I forgave him he eventually would do it again. I had to finally say "I need you to leave. I want you to get help for your drinking and be healthy. I cannot watch you destroy yourself. I want you to leave BECAUSE i love you...not because I don't." It was hard, but has been the best thing for us. Our relationship isn't good now, but I am feeling healthier and he has been in treatment and sober for about 6 weeks.
Try to see if you can go to an Al Anon meeting and try reading some posts here. Hang in there...you are not NOT a fool. You are here looking for help.
Di