PippiLngstockng

Some people drink, each too many sweets, go on a shopping spree.

My divorce seems pretty well wrapped up. The lawyer is typing up the final agreement for both parties to sign.

It doesn't hardly interest me it seems. Enough, whatever it is. If there is some peace and money to come, that would be lovely!

Instead of sitting amd meditating, thinking about it, crying, going for a long drive...I am dating like crazy. I seem to always be on the phone, or messaging or going out with these guys. I like them all - and they are very nice to me and I am maybe kissing them, that is all.

I seem to want them to fall for me, though. And then I will choose one to keep around and simplify matters. There is one in particular that I like terribly. He isn't really attractive, like some. But he has this intense intelligence and thoughtfulness and attention to what he does and he at least seems to be perfectly sincere about looking for a new life partner.

But if I am wrong about him and he turns out to be a jerk or something, I don't want to fall hard.

He has also all the resouces and then some so that I would not have certain worries again if I were to be in a healthy committed relationship with him. I have never dated someone with this level of brilliance, success, heritage, and all that goes with it. Which also makes me nervous on a number of levels.

He couldn't sleep last night after he went home. We stayed out talking for five hours and I could feel the effect I had on him. I felt similarly. But then I had to pull away because when you have lived like most of us have, you get scared easily. So then he was worried that I don't really like him the way he likes me.

I don't want to be insincere or fearful. I don't know if I am in a strange state because of my divorce being finalized and so that is why I am surrounding myself with men. My teens are annoyed by me. I am not keeping up with the chores. I just want to go out, be with friends or dates, and have my own life.

I don't feel unhappy but I am certainly acting youthful and should probably look to get myself more solidly grounded at some time soon.

PippiLngstockng

To add to this sense of unreality, my ex is in town taking the children skiing for the week. And I am leaving all my responsibilities behind to go biking with friends in the south while they are away. Then planning on staying with this man I had worrying about me in his ski chalet while I somehow figure out who is tending to my children in my absence...

I think my children are just going to have to forgive me for a bit.

I am sorry to be acting this way but these opportunities feel like a gift.

And what if everything turns out to be much more than okay in the end?!

Carlotta

I hope that I am mistaken but your post makes you sound like an aging trophy wife trying to get her hands on another wallet before she loses her looks.
One of my buddies was a sugar baby and she was under a lot of pressure as she grew older to find someone to marry who would provide for her because she did not have the skills to be able to provide for herself.
I personally feel it is not a good idea to see men as financial rescuers etc. there is always the risk of a younger cuter woman taking over. Call me old fashioned but I d rather not have much but know that I earned my own money and I don't have to kiss up to a man to be financially secure.

suki44883

What??

PippiLngstockng

Carlotta, I like him. I like talking to him. I like the passion he brings to what he does in his life. I am used to being a wife of a successful man. I have my own successes, ideas, objectives. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

HealingWillCome

Maybe you teens are trying to tell you they need their mother. What in your soul would lead you to deny their basic need? Maybe that's a question worth asking yourself.

LexieCat

Um, not to sound like Debbie Downer, but this doesn't strike me as the smartest move right now. The ink isn't even ON the papers, much less dry.

I wouldn't say, "don't date," but you're already picking out china patterns in your head, from the way your post reads. You don't have to line up the next man right now.

I can understand that financial stability and security look pretty good to you, but going from one person you had to depend on to support you and the kids to another seems to be putting you right back in the same vulnerable place you were.

I'd slow down if I were you. Maybe spend some time getting more self-sufficient so you don't have to DEPEND on someone else.

My two cents.

PippiLngstockng

I wrote this knowing that I am kind of spinning about. I guess I asked for your critical voices!

I know I am behaving less than ideally!

But I am tired of the constant heaviness and responsibility. I will find a friend to watch my children. I need a breather.

Fandy

I feel bad for your kids. they deserve at least one emotionally healthy parent.
it's not all about you and your "dating", exercising, sports meets, etc.
what have you actually done to secure an independent financial future for your children?
besides date many men, married or single?

miamifella

It might be wise to learn from experience and NOT think about a man's net worth when dating. In fact, it might be better to rule out men who would be able to control you with money, considering you just came out of a relationship with that dynamic. But instead it seems like you are looking to duplicate the same kind of relationship you had with your husband.

But maybe it is time to introspect. This need to have "an effect" on men as a way to escape unpleasant realities is not helping you. Only you know if you ought to investigate organizations like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, but from your post it sounds like you think that something is out of balance in your life. And if that is true, you are at a good point to change what is not serving you.

jarp

Our A's drink when they face circumstances, issues or emotions they don't want to / can't deal with.

I'm surprised that YOU are surprised at your reaction....

I may be off the mark but form your history of posts, it's seems 'men' are your DOC. When faced with life circumstances that are uncomfortable...you reach for....a man. Doesn't matter what the wreckage might be around you (other wives, other families, your kids)....you just NEED your fix of 'man' and will do whatever you need to justify getting your fix. It doesn't matter what anyone says, even your own children, your need to get 'man' is the only thing you can focus on.

It sounds awfully like the life of an A.

I don't say this to be unkind....and I'm sure it will make no difference, bc like our A's there is nothing that anyone else can say or do to stop the trajectory of your 'disease'.

But I am feeling for your kids.

greeteachday

I've removed a post. If you are thinking about passing judgment instead of sharing your experience here, please don't hit enter...Back up and find somewhere to share something supportive.

LexieCat

There are a few things that bothered me about this post, but I think this is the one that really got to me: And I think it's because it sounds EXACTLY like what some kid in college, or just out, who's hitting the bar scene for hookups would say. Pick and choose, who cares if they really fall for me and I break a few hearts, the important thing is what's in it for me.

It's selfish and unattractive no matter who it is doing it. Maybe the guys you're using are using you the same way, in which case at least it's a level playing field.

marie1960

WTH? Is this for real?

I am so very confused.

Did someone hijack pippi's account?

FindingMe2

I am just learning, late in life I must say, that my true happiness comes from within, not how others make me feel.

The chemistry eventually wears off for both people, then what? I fell in "love" very fast and hard that I allowed myself to become so trapped. It was like quicksand and I kept sinking further and further in.

Lastly, your children may or may not stay annoyed with you but they are still learning from you. Are you OK with what you are teaching them?

lillamy

You know, when I was recently divorced, I had a window of time when AXH was still sober and still tried to present as a responsible parent. I took advantage of that and did fun stuff -- I traveled for work, went and visited an old friend, went out for dinner with friends... so on one level, I can relate to your wanting to regain some fun in your life. I cherished those weekends of being ME -- not being the wife who broke up the marriage, the abused woman, the parent. I think it was part of trying to regain a sense of who I was, after so many years with a controlling husband.

I remember the moment I knew it had changed. I remember the exact moment I knew I could no longer leave the kids with AXH. I could hear in his voice when he called me that he had gotten back to drinking and that my "vacation time" was over and it was time to get back to being a full-time parent again. Because I knew that regardless of what I had told myself, the children were not safe with him.

I know my children have a lot to forgive me for. And the worst part, the hardest things, were things that happened to them after the divorce when they were in his care. That is also what I have the hardest time forgiving myself for.

I know nothing means more to you than your children and their safety. I just hope you're not being overly optimistic about their safety while you're gone.

CodeJob

I hope your D get finalized, Pippi.

Thumper

They don't have too.

A healthy life is about balance.

How long were you planning on being gone? A week might be balance. A month - maybe not.

Congrats on the divorce. That has been a long time coming!

JustAYak

Wrong answer.


I usually try to be respectful in my posts, and I will try to be here as well...but I have to put it bluntly, for your sake.

How selfish of you.

I will only comment on the children because that's all I feel that I can have an actual opinion on but this statement above really irks me. Children are not something to be casual about...you cannot just shirk the duty you have to your children. They are #1 priority, even before yourself until they're grown and out of the house. I don't know how old they are, but it doesn't sound like they're 18+.

I grew up in a home where my mom denied pretty much any responsibility toward me, she denied me love and affection as well as safety. She was neglectful. She told me often "I don't have time for you." The statement I quoted above from you resonates with what she told me. Your case is not as extreme as mine was, my mom was a seriously screwed up lady, but still, there is a commonality here. I hate[d] my mom for how she treated me. She eventually abandoned me, took my sister with her, and left me to live with my heroin-addicted and abusive father alone. What kind of parent is that?

I don't know if your XAH is sober or not, but aren't you doing the same thing? Letting your kids off with this guy (or whoever, because clearly you don't know):
while you go fulfill your own desires?

Kids don't forget. They might forgive later on...but your behavior will not be forgotten, especially in a time as fragile as this one where their lives have not only been disrupted by crazy alcoholic behavior on account of their father, but also the divorce.

YOU have a responsibility to your children. I think it goes without saying...BE A GROWN UP because their father can't be.

zoso77

This

is equivalent to this

At least for you. Sooner or later, you'll have to put the "sweets" down and reflect on all that has happened. If you don't, then all the guys you're seeing will leave you just as spiritually and emotionally empty as eating those sweets.

Good luck.