Why is it so easy to be pulled back in?

Old 02-21-2015, 12:06 PM
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Why is it so easy to be pulled back in?

so, AH hasn't been going out much at all, has been being nice to me lately.

Why is it so easy for me to just let all of the bad stuff slide, once given a morsel of goodness?

What is it in me that makes me so easily able to "forgive" and see the good while pushing the bad (and there is a lot of bad, more than good for a few years now) to the side, effectively "forgetting" it while times are good or okay?

I just want to understand what it is about me that makes it so easy to be sucked back in.
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Old 02-21-2015, 12:17 PM
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There are lots of things going on, but I think one of the biggest hurdles is just plain fear of the unknown. You're USED to a certain level of abuse in your life--it probably feels normal by now, so any time the level goes down for a bit, or the abuser starts being nice, and attentive, I think you start thinking that staying is the path of least resistance. It feels easier to continue to endure what you've been enduring than to rock the boat by leaving.

That's why working with an advocate who can provide you with support and encouragement, as well as a safety plan, can be very helpful when you're trying to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship.

Because it isn't going to STAY OK. Sooner or later, he'll be behaving exactly as he always has.
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Old 02-21-2015, 12:20 PM
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^^ truth.
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Old 02-21-2015, 12:26 PM
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you're so wise, Lexie

I know it won't stay good.
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Old 02-21-2015, 12:34 PM
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my experience?

WHEN we find ourselves JUST trying to stay away from BAD -- Rather than Trying to Head Towards GOOD . . . Bad will catch up with us and pull us back in.

Maybe think of the A side of things for an example? IF they just try to stay away from Bad (Alcohol, for them) and Do Not Head for Good . . . the Alcohol will always be hunting them. That is where Relapse and Dry Drunk comes from.

Now jump back to OUR side. We know what our BAD looks like -- An Active or Dry Drunk A. IF we are just avoiding our Bad . . . the Bad will hunt us down.

So WHAT DOES YOUR GOOD LOOK LIKE?

Many of us consider that our HP / Higher Power . . . for me . . . I just say GOD = GOOD.

Line up on YOUR GOOD and stay facing and heading THAT WAY.

Good is the steepest gradient path OUT of the Bad.
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Old 02-21-2015, 12:50 PM
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Pink,

Thanks for writing this. It has been something that I have been recently thinking about as I feel myself getting drawn back in. I've been wanting to post about it but haven't found the energy to put it into words. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but it's comforting to know someone else is feeling the same way as me.

Hugs x
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Old 02-21-2015, 02:04 PM
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pink....for one thing, it gives intermittent reinforcement (the strongest pattern of reinforcement) for the hope that the relationship will finally become the fantasy dream that we cling to from when we first met that person.. That we will become nurtured and valued and matter to someone..therefore never be abandoned and alone.
Rather than that bond being broken by the bad times....we get hooked back in again by the period of good behavior..strenthening the bond each time.
The abuser is aware of this, of course, at some level. That is how they "know" that we require some good times to keep us there. As the abuser becomes more confident in the power...the episodes of the good times can become shorter and shorter.
It is amazing how well the abuser learns our buttons and knows just where to push them to rope us back, again.

This is the way I view it...

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Old 02-21-2015, 02:18 PM
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Have you ever heard of intermittent reinforcement? There's a good explanation at this link. The link is about relationships with people who have personality disorders, but I think the same things apply to relationships with addicts or alcoholics. Basically, the idea is that when a reward (in this case, kind behavior from a husband) is unpredictable, we can get stuck trying and trying to figure out how to get the reward. I think scientists came up with this idea after doing studies on animals in different situations--some got food every time they pressed a button, some only got food every once in a while when they pushed the button, and some never got food when they pushed the button. The ones that always got food when they pushed the button only pushed when they were hungry, the ones that never got food gave up, but the ones who got food at random kept pushing and pushing hoping for the payoff. Out of the FOG - Intermittent Reinforcement
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Old 02-21-2015, 02:18 PM
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Ha, Dandylion, I was writing this while you were writing yours!
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Old 02-21-2015, 02:18 PM
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thanks everyone
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Old 02-21-2015, 02:37 PM
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I can't link threads for some reason...but if you search for a thread called "don't be he chick(en)!!!" This thread REALLY spoke to me!! And explained to me how easily I got sucked back in. I wish that thread would get stickies!!
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Old 02-21-2015, 04:10 PM
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Why is it so easy for me to just let all of the bad stuff slide, once given a morsel of goodness?
Because your boundaries suck.

And you don't yet know how to not get reeled back in.

Part of recovery for us is to learn how to have stronger boundaries. And that goes two ways. It means, in part, to not give yourself permission to do things that aren't in your best interest. That's in addition to telling other people no.
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Old 02-21-2015, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
That's in addition to telling other people no.
ooohhh.

The Very Powerful . . . "N" Word.

NO.
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Old 02-21-2015, 06:16 PM
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Have you ever read about the cycle of abuse?



Originally Posted by pinkpeony View Post
so, AH hasn't been going out much at all, has been being nice to me lately.

Why is it so easy for me to just let all of the bad stuff slide, once given a morsel of goodness?

What is it in me that makes me so easily able to "forgive" and see the good while pushing the bad (and there is a lot of bad, more than good for a few years now) to the side, effectively "forgetting" it while times are good or okay?

I just want to understand what it is about me that makes it so easy to be sucked back in.
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Old 02-22-2015, 04:27 AM
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There is one called the Power and Control wheel with all the different types of abuse.



Originally Posted by pinkpeony View Post
so, AH hasn't been going out much at all, has been being nice to me lately.

Why is it so easy for me to just let all of the bad stuff slide, once given a morsel of goodness?

What is it in me that makes me so easily able to "forgive" and see the good while pushing the bad (and there is a lot of bad, more than good for a few years now) to the side, effectively "forgetting" it while times are good or okay?

I just want to understand what it is about me that makes it so easy to be sucked back in.
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Old 02-22-2015, 08:19 AM
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Hey pink, thanks for the post! So many of us get sucked back in! I just re read that " intermittent chicken" thread! How true! We keep getting pulled in for the hope of good! But the reality is the good gets less and less and is trumped by the mounds of bad! We truly are the only ones that can break the cycle of being pulled back! Hugs
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Old 02-22-2015, 08:39 AM
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Where is the intermittent chicken thread? I would like to read it.
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Old 02-22-2015, 08:51 AM
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Earthworm,

Here it is:

My therapist told me that when he was studying to get his psychology degree, they had to do an experiment with chickens. They were given 3 chickens, and they had to document their behavior. The first chicken got a food pellet every time it pecked the lever. The second chicken got a food pellet intermittently, sometimes yes, sometimes no. The third chicken never got a food pellet no matter how many times it pecked the lever. My therapist asked me, "Which chicken do you think drove itself absolutely nuts pecking at that lever to get a food pellet?" I gave what seemed to me to be the most logical answer, "The one who never got the pellet...??" He said, "Nope. The one who only intermittently got the pellet." And then he looked at me expectantly, as if this information should have some relevant meaning to me, lol.

So I'm sitting there thinking, 'Ummm....okayyyyyy. What the heck does this story have to do with MY situation?? Why is he just sitting there, looking at me as if he thinks this little anecdote is going to have some significance for me??' So he finally takes pity on me (lol) and says, "That's what he did to YOU." And I just stared at him blankly and asked, "Did what to me? What do you mean?" And he goes, "He created that same situation with the intermittently-fed chicken with you. He always kept you unbalanced with that come here-go away dynamic, he'd call you to come over, you'd be on cloud nine, and then you wouldn't hear from him for a week. Or two. Or a month. Then all of a sudden you'd hear from him three weeks in a row, and then you wouldn't hear again for who knows how long. And he kept up this unpredictable rhythm of highs and lows, always keeping you guessing, never knowing when you'd hear, until you didn't know if you were coming or going. He had you right where he wanted you - close enough to keep you hooked, so that you'd come running when he wanted you, but distant enough that he never had to make any real effort or commitment. And that type of dynamic creates an obsession, wondering when you're going to hear from him, when you're going to see him, then you'd see him and sometimes he'd say all the right things and let you stay over and other times it was for an hour and he'd practically kick you out as soon as it was over. Either way, he'd then go back to ignoring your existence, leaving you to obsess over when you were going to hear from him again, until he wanted his selfish needs satisfied again. You see, he created an obsession in you, just like the obsession created with the intermittent chicken never knowing when it was going to get a food pellet." By this time, I think my jaw was hanging open, and I practically screeched in disbelief, "Wait, I'M the intermittent chicken????" LOL!


I can (mostly) laugh about it now. But I have to say, it took a couple days to fully sink in, and when it did, it really bothered me.....because I knew it was TRUE. Whether deliberate or not, he had turned me into his damn chicken - and I had LET him!! I allowed myself to be turned into an obsessed, clucking chicken frantically pecking at the lever, desperate to get a tiny pellet of affection from him. And my therapist said that these types of relationships can be very difficult to break free of.

I have to say, it was really one of those 'lightbulb' moments for me, and it has stuck with me these past weeks. And on the days when it hurts so much, when I feel like I can't take it, I allow myself to feel the pain, sit with it a bit, and usually shed some tears. But then I do my best to shut it out, dry my eyes and remind myself, "NO. I am NOT his intermittent chicken anymore.
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Old 02-22-2015, 08:52 AM
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Go to search...... Under Advanced search type in key word " intermittent chicken". It should come up. It's such a powerful thread to visit if you find yourself always getting pulled back to your "a"! It's a must read! For sure!
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Old 02-22-2015, 08:53 AM
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Thanks Pink.... For the post!
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