Feel like giving up
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Feel like giving up
Not sure what to do I'm currently in school and my husband is the only one working he takes suboxone and is prescribed to 20 a month it costs us around 300 dollars a month and Iam very resentful that he has been on subs for 6 years now and still can't get off of them i feel as though he is not even trying at all to get off of them and Iam tired of nagging him about it he always runs out of his meds also i just think sometimes it would be easier to walk away from this whole situation we have a son together and sometimes I think that is the only thing that keeps me with him
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Hey...
I see this is only your third post, so Welcome to the Board.
Well, we're not marriage counselors here (usually). Setting that aside for a moment...$300/month, 12 months...$3600/year. That's a sizable amount of money. Six years of that is over $21K. So I can understand why you would be resentful.
When children are in the mix, situations like yours become more critical. Which means you have to be really honest with yourself about what you're willing to tolerate going forward. Are you prepared to leave your AH?
I see this is only your third post, so Welcome to the Board.
i just think sometimes it would be easier to walk away from this whole situation we have a son together and sometimes I think that is the only thing that keeps me with him
When children are in the mix, situations like yours become more critical. Which means you have to be really honest with yourself about what you're willing to tolerate going forward. Are you prepared to leave your AH?
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That is why I'm in school I'm trying to get to the point of having a good job so i will be financially independent and able to leave i do feel love toward him but no matter how hard I try I just cannot understand why he doesn't try harder to get off of the subs i just don get why he wants to be in the hole financially like this
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Higher education is always a good plan. Not everyone has the commitment to follow through on it, so you deserve a lot of credit for sticking with it under these circumstances.
As for this:
The reason why you don't understand it is because you're looking at it through a rational, pragmatic lens. And you can't. So look at it from his perspective. He gets to stay on a substitute for opiates indefinitely. That's the closest he can get to the genuine article. And he doesn't give a rats arse how much it costs. It makes him feel better, or perhaps feel nothing at all (which is even better). That supersedes any other priorities as far as he's concerned.
Plus, you've tolerated it for 6 years. Has he paid a price for that choice? It doesn't sound like it. Maybe you've brought it up to him, and he's blown it off.
Always look at the behavior of an addict within the context of addiction. Only then will it make any sense.
So you're at a crossroads of sorts...what's best for you and your son?
As for this:
no matter how hard I try I just cannot understand why he doesn't try harder to get off of the subs
Plus, you've tolerated it for 6 years. Has he paid a price for that choice? It doesn't sound like it. Maybe you've brought it up to him, and he's blown it off.
Always look at the behavior of an addict within the context of addiction. Only then will it make any sense.
So you're at a crossroads of sorts...what's best for you and your son?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome, Tryingtodecide.
I am glad that you are in school....it will give you more options, to be sure, and that is worth a lot when you are raising a child.
I am sorry for your situation, and I can surely understand your feeling resentful. It sounds like you are thinking hard about what YOU want in your life, and that of your son.
Sending a hug...
chicory
I am glad that you are in school....it will give you more options, to be sure, and that is worth a lot when you are raising a child.
I am sorry for your situation, and I can surely understand your feeling resentful. It sounds like you are thinking hard about what YOU want in your life, and that of your son.
Sending a hug...
chicory
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by tryingtodecide 
That is why I'm in school I'm trying to get to the point of having a good job so i will be financially independent and able to leave i do feel love toward him but no matter how hard I try I just cannot understand why he doesn't try harder to get off of the subs i just don get why he wants to be in the hole financially like this
Addiction is a medical/psychological problem and people need to put their recovery needs first. Your husband has a right to choose what type of treatment he wants to pursue.. and to be respected for his choices..
In a healthy marriage there should be room for discussion of your feelings, concerns.. but nagging will most likely only make him feel defensive. Perhaps you could suggest he talk to his doctor about adding therapy to his treatment plan (if hes not already doing this).. it will cost extra but it might help him gain the ability to get off the subs sooner.
These are my thoughts.. my husband was also addicted to opiates.. he didn't use subs but he did use another medication during early recover.. I am happy he doesn't need medication any longer, but his health is my primary concern, and if he needed it, then I would want him to have it.. just like a heart medication.
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Originally Posted by tryingtodecide
Iam tired of nagging him about it he always runs out of his meds...
As I see by your initial post on the Sub Forum, your child is unable to participate in sports activities because the money is spent paying for your husbands "treatment".
Has he spoken with his doctor to help initiate a taper program? Or is he not interested in getting off them? Are there other drug seeking or unacceptable behaviors associated?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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tryingtodecide,
I am not going to allow this member's post to go unchallenged.
Here's what we know to be true.
We know that for the past 6 years, your AH's been on Suboxone. We know he's prescribed 20 per month. We know that it roughly costs $300/month, which translates to $3600 per year, and over a 6 year period is equivalent to $21600.
Allow that number to sink in for a minute. $21600. That's a good chunk of change. Think of what you can do with that kind of money. You could, for example, use that to remodel the kitchen in your home. You could put that towards the college education of your son. Or open a CD with it. Or a mutual fund.
Instead, tryingtodecide, you're asked to consider that suboxone should be treated as heart medication would be treated. But before you do that, this is what you need to remember:
* heart medication is not taking the place of an illicit, highly addictive drug in order to control withdrawal symptoms
* heart medication is usually covered by insurance and will not cost $300 a month
* heart medication is prescribed in order to assist the heart, as vital an organ as can be, in functioning properly, whereas suboxone is prescribed to someone as a substitute for heroin and other opiates
* you typically don't read about patients running out of their heart medications every month because of abuse
I will leave you with this: a healthy marriage is only healthy when both people act like adults, and both people play by the same set of rules. If one party is playing by their own rules, that will undercut the viability of the marriage. Mind you, I'm not telling you to leave. Nor am I telling you to stay. What I am telling you, however, based on what your eyes and gut are telling you, you need to step up to the plate and make the best decisions possible for yourself and your son. That means filtering out BS.
Do what you believe is right.
I am not going to allow this member's post to go unchallenged.
In a healthy marriage there should be room for discussion of your feelings, concerns.. but nagging will most likely only make him feel defensive. Perhaps you could suggest he talk to his doctor about adding therapy to his treatment plan (if hes not already doing this).. it will cost extra but it might help him gain the ability to get off the subs sooner.
We know that for the past 6 years, your AH's been on Suboxone. We know he's prescribed 20 per month. We know that it roughly costs $300/month, which translates to $3600 per year, and over a 6 year period is equivalent to $21600.
Allow that number to sink in for a minute. $21600. That's a good chunk of change. Think of what you can do with that kind of money. You could, for example, use that to remodel the kitchen in your home. You could put that towards the college education of your son. Or open a CD with it. Or a mutual fund.
Instead, tryingtodecide, you're asked to consider that suboxone should be treated as heart medication would be treated. But before you do that, this is what you need to remember:
* heart medication is not taking the place of an illicit, highly addictive drug in order to control withdrawal symptoms
* heart medication is usually covered by insurance and will not cost $300 a month
* heart medication is prescribed in order to assist the heart, as vital an organ as can be, in functioning properly, whereas suboxone is prescribed to someone as a substitute for heroin and other opiates
* you typically don't read about patients running out of their heart medications every month because of abuse
I will leave you with this: a healthy marriage is only healthy when both people act like adults, and both people play by the same set of rules. If one party is playing by their own rules, that will undercut the viability of the marriage. Mind you, I'm not telling you to leave. Nor am I telling you to stay. What I am telling you, however, based on what your eyes and gut are telling you, you need to step up to the plate and make the best decisions possible for yourself and your son. That means filtering out BS.
Do what you believe is right.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Tryingtodecide.
I visited the subs forum here...its full of folks who are working to get off of subs when they can. Tapering off them seems to be the overall goal , from what I have read so far.
If your hub is not trying to work toward that, I can understand your frustration. Nar-anon is free, as it sounds like you are already financially strapped.
IMHO, nagging sometimes happens when healthy communications are impossible, not just because you don't wish to communicate in a healthy fashion. Not everyone listens to reason.
chic
I visited the subs forum here...its full of folks who are working to get off of subs when they can. Tapering off them seems to be the overall goal , from what I have read so far.
If your hub is not trying to work toward that, I can understand your frustration. Nar-anon is free, as it sounds like you are already financially strapped.
IMHO, nagging sometimes happens when healthy communications are impossible, not just because you don't wish to communicate in a healthy fashion. Not everyone listens to reason.
chic
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Well I will say he has be brought down to a dose of 20 because he told his dr he wanted to taper off and now he has been running out for the past 6 months he has told his dr he needs more but dr won't up his dose . He uses them as a crutch if he is in a bad mood or drinks on them and is hungover the next day that is a big part of my frustration any little problem arises an he has to take them to feel better i call that abuse he request i hide his medicine only to see he has found it and opened up a strip and left the empty packet in there as far as him paying for my school Iam on a pell grant so that is not his responsibility at all i guess I just wish the chains of addiction did not have such a hold on him but Iam ready to let go of the problem i think going to a support group will help me i have told him he needs counseling u dont think he wants to do that Iam going to find my own counselor to help me and maybe I could get him to attend from there i just feel stuck and unhappy with the whole situation hopefully things will improve on my end but i give up on trying to "help" him in any way with this he has to want to change for himself i just really think that I am tired of trying to do the work of recovery for him if he wants to be resigned to staying in subs forever that is his problem I'm going to finish school and and hopefully get a job and work on my personal stability financially ect
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
wow, yes, its a lot to try to do the footwork for them.. hiding his meds, at his request. that should not have to fall on your shoulders.
I am sorry... I can hear that you have tried for a long time to help him. Its pretty much up to him to change things that are not working in his recovery.
Perhaps making a boundary would help him to see that he may not have his family if he cannot change things for the better? He may choose counselling over losing his family.
Its not fair to sacrifice your happiness to someone who may not be doing their fair share of the work, even though an addict is sick.. they can choose to get the proper help. That isn't too much to expect... and when it gets to be too much to expect from them, its fair to find your own peace and happiness.
I am sorry... I can hear that you have tried for a long time to help him. Its pretty much up to him to change things that are not working in his recovery.
Perhaps making a boundary would help him to see that he may not have his family if he cannot change things for the better? He may choose counselling over losing his family.
Its not fair to sacrifice your happiness to someone who may not be doing their fair share of the work, even though an addict is sick.. they can choose to get the proper help. That isn't too much to expect... and when it gets to be too much to expect from them, its fair to find your own peace and happiness.
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Location: Atlanta
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm an RA and have loved ones still using. My stepsister is on subs with the goal of tapering down to get off them.
IMO, the fact that he is taking them to deal with everything says he's still got the addict mentality. When I quit crack, I was overwhelmed with "life stuff" and had to learn to deal with it in a healthier way. It sounds, to me, like he is still wanting to numb out anything uncomfortable. I think any chance of good communication is pretty much hampered by his actions.
I'm glad you are in school and working toward a stable future for you and your son. It would be great if your husband chose recovery and worked at it, but even if he doesn't, you and your son will be okay.
Please keep reading and posting, we do care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
For
IMO, the fact that he is taking them to deal with everything says he's still got the addict mentality. When I quit crack, I was overwhelmed with "life stuff" and had to learn to deal with it in a healthier way. It sounds, to me, like he is still wanting to numb out anything uncomfortable. I think any chance of good communication is pretty much hampered by his actions.
I'm glad you are in school and working toward a stable future for you and your son. It would be great if your husband chose recovery and worked at it, but even if he doesn't, you and your son will be okay.
Please keep reading and posting, we do care.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
For
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Location: Iowa
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He uses them as a crutch if he is in a bad mood or drinks on them and is hungover the next day that is a big part of my frustration any little problem arises an he has to take them to feel better
So he is not actually sober, working his recovery with the subs as medication to support an overall program. He is abusing the subs and using alcohol to replace his previous drug(s) of choice.
Have you looked into any type of real life support for yourself- Naranon or Alanon meetings? As Chicory mentioned, these programs are free (aside from a voluntary $1 donation) and you will learn many coping techniques for dealing with this difficult situation.
Other than the financial aspect, which is significant, he appears to be trying to place responsibility for his drug use on you. Asking you to monitor and hide his meds sets you up as his babysitter and absolves him (in his mind) of responsibility. He wouldn't have abused it if you had hidden it better, etc. Meetings can help you to sort through this manipulation and set healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your son.
If you don't mind me asking, does he contribute financially to the household? Does he contribute in other ways (helping around the house, childcare while you study)?
Keep posting. We are here for you. Big hugs to you and your son.
So he is not actually sober, working his recovery with the subs as medication to support an overall program. He is abusing the subs and using alcohol to replace his previous drug(s) of choice.
Have you looked into any type of real life support for yourself- Naranon or Alanon meetings? As Chicory mentioned, these programs are free (aside from a voluntary $1 donation) and you will learn many coping techniques for dealing with this difficult situation.
Other than the financial aspect, which is significant, he appears to be trying to place responsibility for his drug use on you. Asking you to monitor and hide his meds sets you up as his babysitter and absolves him (in his mind) of responsibility. He wouldn't have abused it if you had hidden it better, etc. Meetings can help you to sort through this manipulation and set healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your son.
If you don't mind me asking, does he contribute financially to the household? Does he contribute in other ways (helping around the house, childcare while you study)?
Keep posting. We are here for you. Big hugs to you and your son.
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Posting of using prescribed medication appropriately is fine and talking about abuse of prescribed medication is fine, but we can't give medical advice about stopping a medication a physician has prescribed. That's up to the physician.
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He works and pays all the bills he will watch our son and helps cook and clean right now he only drinks on the weekends on sat recently he said he was going to quit drinking then i went out of town for the weekend and he drank a pitcher of beer at the bowling alley so u never know i was upset though because even though he wasn't driving he was watching my 6 year old and his nephew at the time with his brother who drove but did not drink that just seems like setting a bad example . My main concern is the suboxone and his unwillingness to quit them i just think he could taper down but he doesn't want to he always ha this idea the because of being addicted to lortabs for 15 yrs prior to taking suboxone that he will have to be on subs for a long time
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Originally Posted by tryingtodecide
I just cannot understand why he doesn't try harder to get off of the subs i just don get why he wants to be in the hole financially like this
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