Small Contact
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Small Contact
I knew it wouldn't be long before I heard from X.
Nothing exciting happened, but I just felt like it warranted an update anyways so at least I keep my butt on SR.
He emailed and asked if I still had his resume could I resend it to him. [I helped him write one up when he was released and looking for jobs.] I simply responded I didn't think I had it because I don't have my desktop computer, but I would check my email when I got a chance and send it if I had it. I told him to check through his emails and see if he still had it. I signed off simply with "I hope you are well."
I couldn't find it, so I followed up and let him know.
I almost wanted to ask why his new gf couldn't make one up for him. But I know better.
On a totally side note and maybe the ulterior motive I have for posting, X's niece had made a post on Facebook about a girl who kept sending her nasty messages.
[I've been trying to not be on Facebook all the time. I used to open it up and scroll through and see what everyone's up to, until I reached the last post I had seen before. Not missing anything. What a WASTE of my time! Although I do find I miss people more, but I should probably just pick up the phone or text rather than rely on passive information. Plus, everyone always looks so perfect and happy, when come on, you know that's just illusions most of the time, right?]
Like I said, I'm trying to stay off FB so I didn't go looking for the post, but it was up near the top. X's new gf had posted some supportive messages to X's neice. I feel good about that. Who knows well they get along in real life, but it was sweet of her to write. Ugh. I even wanted to "like it," but I wasn't sure if I should, and decided not to. I guess it makes me feel a little better to know he's with someone who gets along with his family. Yes, I know it's none of my business.
It also made me miss his family more, which is one of the hardest parts of this. I've lost X, and I've lost his family.
Nothing exciting happened, but I just felt like it warranted an update anyways so at least I keep my butt on SR.
He emailed and asked if I still had his resume could I resend it to him. [I helped him write one up when he was released and looking for jobs.] I simply responded I didn't think I had it because I don't have my desktop computer, but I would check my email when I got a chance and send it if I had it. I told him to check through his emails and see if he still had it. I signed off simply with "I hope you are well."
I couldn't find it, so I followed up and let him know.
I almost wanted to ask why his new gf couldn't make one up for him. But I know better.
On a totally side note and maybe the ulterior motive I have for posting, X's niece had made a post on Facebook about a girl who kept sending her nasty messages.
[I've been trying to not be on Facebook all the time. I used to open it up and scroll through and see what everyone's up to, until I reached the last post I had seen before. Not missing anything. What a WASTE of my time! Although I do find I miss people more, but I should probably just pick up the phone or text rather than rely on passive information. Plus, everyone always looks so perfect and happy, when come on, you know that's just illusions most of the time, right?]
Like I said, I'm trying to stay off FB so I didn't go looking for the post, but it was up near the top. X's new gf had posted some supportive messages to X's neice. I feel good about that. Who knows well they get along in real life, but it was sweet of her to write. Ugh. I even wanted to "like it," but I wasn't sure if I should, and decided not to. I guess it makes me feel a little better to know he's with someone who gets along with his family. Yes, I know it's none of my business.
It also made me miss his family more, which is one of the hardest parts of this. I've lost X, and I've lost his family.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Aurora, it sounds like you are giving a lot of thought to everything and aiming to avoid contact that will leave you hurt. I think that's great! Maybe it's a good sign that you're able to wish him well in his new relationship? At the same time, I think you would have been tots justified in telling him you don't know where his resume is and he will have to make himself a new one, if that's how you felt. Or even just ignoring his e-mail, or blocking it! What do you think your boundary will be with him now that he's out of jail? How much contact are you willing to have with him?
One thing I do when someone's FB posts upset me for whatever reason but I don't want to defriend them is to just block them from my newsfeed. I'm able most of the time to just forget about them for a while.
I had a miscarriage last year, and lately I've felt the need to block anyone who gets pregnant. :/ And I totally know how you feel about FB, all that sanitized happiness leaves me feeling a little sick sometimes! Even though I know it's just the highlight reel, I fall into feeling jealous of the world.
One thing I do when someone's FB posts upset me for whatever reason but I don't want to defriend them is to just block them from my newsfeed. I'm able most of the time to just forget about them for a while.
I had a miscarriage last year, and lately I've felt the need to block anyone who gets pregnant. :/ And I totally know how you feel about FB, all that sanitized happiness leaves me feeling a little sick sometimes! Even though I know it's just the highlight reel, I fall into feeling jealous of the world.
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I actually am not sure what my boundary will be. I get home at the end of April, and I'm sure I will run into him.
I work with his dad on Saturdays. I'm also close with his little sister, but she plans on moving in June. I'm not sure if that will happen.
After we broke up, I wasn't always comfortable giving him hugs, and I told him that. I'm not sure he understood at first, but I think he got why.
I'll have to think about that. Surprisingly, I haven't given that thought. Thank you.
If I had the resume, I would probably have thought about not sending it. (He's a big boy--he can make a new one--it't not my responsibility--etc.) Buuuuuuuuut I don't think I could feel good about that. Plus, I've been pretty fortunate when it comes to landing jobs, and I know that's not always the case. I'd love to see him working, and I wouldn't feel good about getting in the way of that.
Now on the other hand, I'm cetaintly not going to draft up a new one. Maybe if we were together, I would. But not now.
I work with his dad on Saturdays. I'm also close with his little sister, but she plans on moving in June. I'm not sure if that will happen.
After we broke up, I wasn't always comfortable giving him hugs, and I told him that. I'm not sure he understood at first, but I think he got why.
I'll have to think about that. Surprisingly, I haven't given that thought. Thank you.
If I had the resume, I would probably have thought about not sending it. (He's a big boy--he can make a new one--it't not my responsibility--etc.) Buuuuuuuuut I don't think I could feel good about that. Plus, I've been pretty fortunate when it comes to landing jobs, and I know that's not always the case. I'd love to see him working, and I wouldn't feel good about getting in the way of that.
Now on the other hand, I'm cetaintly not going to draft up a new one. Maybe if we were together, I would. But not now.
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I have found boundaries a very useful way to get back in touch with what I can control. It should be something you feel comfortable with sticking to. Based on things you've shared in the past, I'm wondering do you want to see him? Will you loan him money? Will you loan him your car? Drive him places? You have the power to decide how it will go!
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No car or money sounds like a great start to me! I think enforcing any boundary will be a reminder that you have control over the situation and good practice at saying no. So I take it that you are open to seeing him? Do you have any preferences about under what circumstances you'd want to see him, or in what ways you feel comfortable hanging out? (You mentioned that hugging is painful.) It sounds like you aren't interested in going no contact, and I'm curious what concerns you have that make no contact unappealing?
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Thank you so much for your responses.
Just got an email back saying thank you, he's good, and back in the halfway house.
I'm not going to respond. It's such a strange concept to me, but there's just not much to say. "Sorry you messed up and are in there again?" "Hope you and your gf are doing great?" Idk. I'll think on this today.
Part of it I think it's it's such a foreign situation. I honestly can't think of anyone who I hurt just by being a part of their life. I told him a few times if I had to be out of his life for him to heal I would do that for him. But I think I'm only making myself out to be a liar.
I can only think of ONE person who I cut out of my life. He wasn't even a boyfriend or anything, just some guy I went to high school with who gave me the heebie jeebies. He was super intense and had that vacant dark look in his eyes. Like seriously, I think he is a sociopath. He dated my best friend and it caused a big rift in our friendship, because I couldn't support it. Like, we didn't talk for about a year. I just couldn't stand the guy and didn't like how he treated my friend and isolated her. I wasn't the only one--a lot of my friends didn't like him either. My friend confessed a few years later, after we patched things up, that she thought the guy maybe took advantage of her. She took medication for headaches for a couple years in high school, and they would make her really drowsy. I think he tried messing with her while she was asleep. Idk what actually happened she didn't reveal much, just that she finally also thought he was a creep.
Ok not sure why I felt like saying all that. Anyways, this is the first real loss I'll have. I think maybe that's it. I mean, X was fine before I came along, and he'll be fine after I'm gone. Maybe I just don't know how to deal with a loss. My grandpa died when I was 21, and that was the only significant sudden loss I had. I've mentioned before: he wasn't a very warm and fuzzy man. And he and my grandma lived out of state and I only saw him every few years. I don't want to minimize him, but we didn't have a strong relationship. That's about the only person I've lost.
I've also mentioned that I don't want to lose his family. They've all welcomed me with open arms. I crash at his sisters' houses when I'm in town on weekends for work or when I'm wasn't with X. I mean, I don't think I spent a single weekend at home from when X came back to when we broke up (except when I was working out of town last spring and during the holidays with my family). His younger sister was invaluable to me last year with our break up and dealing with the relapse, since her bf was doing the same stuff. His older sister became my best friend before she moved away. I had her kids for a bit, and kept them from going into the system so that strengthened our friendship very fast.
Maybe I just want to be that strong person. Whom things happen to and is ok no matter what. "Oh, you broke my heart and spirit? I'm still ok being around you." I don't know.
I'll think about this today. I didn't sleep too well last night so I've got to concentrate on work today.
Just got an email back saying thank you, he's good, and back in the halfway house.
I'm not going to respond. It's such a strange concept to me, but there's just not much to say. "Sorry you messed up and are in there again?" "Hope you and your gf are doing great?" Idk. I'll think on this today.
Part of it I think it's it's such a foreign situation. I honestly can't think of anyone who I hurt just by being a part of their life. I told him a few times if I had to be out of his life for him to heal I would do that for him. But I think I'm only making myself out to be a liar.
I can only think of ONE person who I cut out of my life. He wasn't even a boyfriend or anything, just some guy I went to high school with who gave me the heebie jeebies. He was super intense and had that vacant dark look in his eyes. Like seriously, I think he is a sociopath. He dated my best friend and it caused a big rift in our friendship, because I couldn't support it. Like, we didn't talk for about a year. I just couldn't stand the guy and didn't like how he treated my friend and isolated her. I wasn't the only one--a lot of my friends didn't like him either. My friend confessed a few years later, after we patched things up, that she thought the guy maybe took advantage of her. She took medication for headaches for a couple years in high school, and they would make her really drowsy. I think he tried messing with her while she was asleep. Idk what actually happened she didn't reveal much, just that she finally also thought he was a creep.
Ok not sure why I felt like saying all that. Anyways, this is the first real loss I'll have. I think maybe that's it. I mean, X was fine before I came along, and he'll be fine after I'm gone. Maybe I just don't know how to deal with a loss. My grandpa died when I was 21, and that was the only significant sudden loss I had. I've mentioned before: he wasn't a very warm and fuzzy man. And he and my grandma lived out of state and I only saw him every few years. I don't want to minimize him, but we didn't have a strong relationship. That's about the only person I've lost.
I've also mentioned that I don't want to lose his family. They've all welcomed me with open arms. I crash at his sisters' houses when I'm in town on weekends for work or when I'm wasn't with X. I mean, I don't think I spent a single weekend at home from when X came back to when we broke up (except when I was working out of town last spring and during the holidays with my family). His younger sister was invaluable to me last year with our break up and dealing with the relapse, since her bf was doing the same stuff. His older sister became my best friend before she moved away. I had her kids for a bit, and kept them from going into the system so that strengthened our friendship very fast.
Maybe I just want to be that strong person. Whom things happen to and is ok no matter what. "Oh, you broke my heart and spirit? I'm still ok being around you." I don't know.
I'll think about this today. I didn't sleep too well last night so I've got to concentrate on work today.
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It's so tough making a decisive end to a relationship! I have a very hard time with it, too. I had one BF in my 20s who was always a flake and I continued to reach out to him for over a decade. It caused me many tears! I had a hard time accepting that my fantasies about how things could be for us were never going to happen, and I think that's what kept me hanging on. I had a very hard time deciding that I had waited long enough for him to get his act together. Anyway, I think you will know when you're ready to distance yourself. If it's less drama to just back away and not respond to his e-mails, maybe that's easier! And of course no contact doesn't have to be forever, there's always the option of an open-ended "I need to take some time for myself." I guess that's how people quit substances, too, one day at a time. Is there a way to stay in touch with his sisters without hearing from/about him?
I'm happy to respond! I wish I had thought about these issues (boundaries, how to protect myself in relationships, etc.) earlier in my life. I'm 40 and just now really making an effort. So from my perspective, you're ahead of the curve! Anyway, it seems like this board is a little slow lately. I posted a while back and didn't get much response, either. Maybe you could try sharing your story on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics board? It would be a chance to think about your journey and write it down, and you might get more feedback.
I'm happy to respond! I wish I had thought about these issues (boundaries, how to protect myself in relationships, etc.) earlier in my life. I'm 40 and just now really making an effort. So from my perspective, you're ahead of the curve! Anyway, it seems like this board is a little slow lately. I posted a while back and didn't get much response, either. Maybe you could try sharing your story on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics board? It would be a chance to think about your journey and write it down, and you might get more feedback.
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