Custody Issues: Likely Divorce with Two Kids in Diapers
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Custody Issues: Likely Divorce with Two Kids in Diapers
There is a 99.9% chance this 6 month separation is ending in divorce, and by the look of things, this will take place before the 6 months is up.
I am really torn about the custody situation.
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. His drinking rarely interferes with his work or the five thousand charity/community functions he is involved with.
Up until the last year, I always thought that if we got a divorce I would give him 50/50 custody.
This last year, however, has been absolutely insane.
He yells at the kids. Cusses at the kids. Races across the house and jerks them up off the ground before they know what has happened. A few months ago, he ripped our 2 year old off the ground by his head. The kids are 2 and 13 months.
In November, he stayed up all night drinking with his dad. I had class the next day, so my mother volunteered to stay in our 2 year old's room and take care of him so I could get some rest.
Apparently, DS2 spilled his sippy cup on himself at some point during the night and started crying because he was wet. My H was infuriated by this and ripped him out of the crib and proceeded to stagger around the house with him telling him to "shut the f*ck up" and covering his mouth so he couldn't scream.
When my mother went to try to wake me up, H went and stood in front of the door of the master bedroom to block her.
He was too drunk to understand DS2 was crying because he was wet and continued to be angry with the DS2 for SEVERAL HOURS. Cussing and him and acting enraged when DS2 continued to cry.
I did not find out about any of this until 12pm the next day when I got a break from my class. I was planning on kicking him out for this event, but by the time I saw him again he was drunk again, accused me of giving him chlamydia (again), and then told me he was leaving me.
He ended up back in the house because he said he was going to therapy and rehab. This did not happen, although we did end up in marriage counseling, where he proceeded to lie about his drinking not being a problem except that I didn't like him falling asleep on the couch.
To this day, I have never even mentioned that night to him.
However, that was the night I realized that I could never leave him alone with the kids.
Now that there is a divorce on the way, H is already pressing for 50/50 custody. I am not going to give it to him.
What do you think WOULD be reasonable?
Much of his atrocious behavior occurs while he sober because he is "stressed" and fed up.
Have any of you come up with functional custody agreements?
I am not sure what to do.
I am really torn about the custody situation.
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. His drinking rarely interferes with his work or the five thousand charity/community functions he is involved with.
Up until the last year, I always thought that if we got a divorce I would give him 50/50 custody.
This last year, however, has been absolutely insane.
He yells at the kids. Cusses at the kids. Races across the house and jerks them up off the ground before they know what has happened. A few months ago, he ripped our 2 year old off the ground by his head. The kids are 2 and 13 months.
In November, he stayed up all night drinking with his dad. I had class the next day, so my mother volunteered to stay in our 2 year old's room and take care of him so I could get some rest.
Apparently, DS2 spilled his sippy cup on himself at some point during the night and started crying because he was wet. My H was infuriated by this and ripped him out of the crib and proceeded to stagger around the house with him telling him to "shut the f*ck up" and covering his mouth so he couldn't scream.
When my mother went to try to wake me up, H went and stood in front of the door of the master bedroom to block her.
He was too drunk to understand DS2 was crying because he was wet and continued to be angry with the DS2 for SEVERAL HOURS. Cussing and him and acting enraged when DS2 continued to cry.
I did not find out about any of this until 12pm the next day when I got a break from my class. I was planning on kicking him out for this event, but by the time I saw him again he was drunk again, accused me of giving him chlamydia (again), and then told me he was leaving me.
He ended up back in the house because he said he was going to therapy and rehab. This did not happen, although we did end up in marriage counseling, where he proceeded to lie about his drinking not being a problem except that I didn't like him falling asleep on the couch.
To this day, I have never even mentioned that night to him.
However, that was the night I realized that I could never leave him alone with the kids.
Now that there is a divorce on the way, H is already pressing for 50/50 custody. I am not going to give it to him.
What do you think WOULD be reasonable?
Much of his atrocious behavior occurs while he sober because he is "stressed" and fed up.
Have any of you come up with functional custody agreements?
I am not sure what to do.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by SwiftHeart 
Apparently, DS2 spilled his sippy cup on himself at some point during the night and started crying because he was wet. My H was infuriated by this and ripped him out of the crib and proceeded to stagger around the house with him telling him to "shut the f*ck up" and covering his mouth so he couldn't scream.
When my mother went to try to wake me up, H went and stood in front of the door of the master bedroom to block her.
He was too drunk to understand DS2 was crying because he was wet and continued to be angry with the DS2 for SEVERAL HOURS. Cussing and him and acting enraged when DS2 continued to cry.
When my mother went to try to wake me up, H went and stood in front of the door of the master bedroom to block her.
He was too drunk to understand DS2 was crying because he was wet and continued to be angry with the DS2 for SEVERAL HOURS. Cussing and him and acting enraged when DS2 continued to cry.
Can you imagine this man having 50% responsibility for the well-being of a child? This makes -me- angry to read, and I don't even know you or your child.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 306
So terrible reading that!
No way on the 50/50.
I'd lawyer up and push for supervised visitation.
You've got to protect those babies and remember alcoholism is a progressive disease,
it's only going to get worse
No way on the 50/50.
I'd lawyer up and push for supervised visitation.
You've got to protect those babies and remember alcoholism is a progressive disease,
it's only going to get worse
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I spilt with my partner and we have a 5 year old.
We have no formal custody stuff in place.
He looks after her fine, but she hates his new partner who he lives with.
I tell him how it is.
She does not stay over there.
He see's her on her own mainly.
He threatens me all the time about getting formal custody drawn up.
It never happens.
I dictate how it is and how its going to be.
Have your family round you.
If you can don't rely on him for anything regarding looking after your children.
Do this now, rather than when your kids are older.
I used to worry that my ex 'needed' to have a relationship with my daughter.
Now I realise, that as long as me and her are happy and safe, thats all that matters.
For as long as I have to, I will stand up to him, tell him how it is, not allow certain behaviours, make his life difficult and dodge any requests or threats about custody and block any moves he tries to make if I think that is what is needed.
I have no doubts you can do the same.
I wish you the best xx
We have no formal custody stuff in place.
He looks after her fine, but she hates his new partner who he lives with.
I tell him how it is.
She does not stay over there.
He see's her on her own mainly.
He threatens me all the time about getting formal custody drawn up.
It never happens.
I dictate how it is and how its going to be.
Have your family round you.
If you can don't rely on him for anything regarding looking after your children.
Do this now, rather than when your kids are older.
I used to worry that my ex 'needed' to have a relationship with my daughter.
Now I realise, that as long as me and her are happy and safe, thats all that matters.
For as long as I have to, I will stand up to him, tell him how it is, not allow certain behaviours, make his life difficult and dodge any requests or threats about custody and block any moves he tries to make if I think that is what is needed.
I have no doubts you can do the same.
I wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
And for me, there would be a 100% chance he would be divorced if he treated or touched my child like that.
In fact, I would have left or thrown him out the minute he raised his voice or picked one of them up roughly.
You become his own personal nightmare then see how long he is able to act like that.
In fact, I would have left or thrown him out the minute he raised his voice or picked one of them up roughly.
You become his own personal nightmare then see how long he is able to act like that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. My state recognizes a safety focused parenting plan with several options depending on the degree of concern. With the facts you laid out I'd request full legal custody with supervised visitation. ((((Hugs))))
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 514
My son has and always has had full contact with his father. But there has never been any well being/safety issues. While I may not have been particularly fond of some of the partners he has chosen it is not my place to dictate who my ex partner dates OR to influence my son in his view of them. My son is not my possession and in 'normal' circumstances a father has the right to be as much if a parent as possible if not 'in residence'. I have very little time for parents who use a child as a pawn/tool/something to use against an ex partner.
But, SwiftHeart, your case is something completely different. You have to put your children's physical and emotional well being before anything else. Drunk or sober you're husband is liable to harm them in one way or another. And it us not just what you have witnessed but others have to. I agree with others that a lot if care with contact us needed.
But, SwiftHeart, your case is something completely different. You have to put your children's physical and emotional well being before anything else. Drunk or sober you're husband is liable to harm them in one way or another. And it us not just what you have witnessed but others have to. I agree with others that a lot if care with contact us needed.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
oh Swift
that's not good. No way would there be a 50/50 chance in hell. Not with him being so aggressive. Who picks up a 2yr old by their head? uh uh.
Also - you say a few times that your H is a "functional" A...well, if that is functional, I don't want to know what DYSfuntional is going to be.
What if he drinks and has a bad day at work during the time he has custody?? He could snap. I wouldn't want to take that chance. Supervised visits all the way.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong...for you and the lil ones.
that's not good. No way would there be a 50/50 chance in hell. Not with him being so aggressive. Who picks up a 2yr old by their head? uh uh.
Also - you say a few times that your H is a "functional" A...well, if that is functional, I don't want to know what DYSfuntional is going to be.
What if he drinks and has a bad day at work during the time he has custody?? He could snap. I wouldn't want to take that chance. Supervised visits all the way.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong...for you and the lil ones.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Swift, his behaviour towards the children is appalling and dangerous. The challenge that faces you is proving it to a court. Your mother was witness to one incident, but he'll say that you simply made the rest up.
It's essential you keep a journal and other records, (credit card statements for alcohol or sex services would be good). You have medical records about the chlamydia. Write down everything you can remember about the incidents like dates and details. But number 1 step is see a lawyer and take his/her advice.
It's wise not to reveal too much to him in the meanwhile. The way he's going, hopefully he'll be his own worst enemy.
It's essential you keep a journal and other records, (credit card statements for alcohol or sex services would be good). You have medical records about the chlamydia. Write down everything you can remember about the incidents like dates and details. But number 1 step is see a lawyer and take his/her advice.
It's wise not to reveal too much to him in the meanwhile. The way he's going, hopefully he'll be his own worst enemy.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You need good legal advice. This may get tricky, because he is likely to claim you're being vindictive over the affair.
You need a custody/visitation order NOW, for during the separation. You are also going to be hit with questions about why, if he is so abusive to the children, it took catching him in bed with another woman to leave.
I would start looking for a lawyer IMMEDIATELY, and find one who's especially good on issues around custody/visitation. Talk to several--most will give you a consultation for free or for a nominal fee.
You need a custody/visitation order NOW, for during the separation. You are also going to be hit with questions about why, if he is so abusive to the children, it took catching him in bed with another woman to leave.
I would start looking for a lawyer IMMEDIATELY, and find one who's especially good on issues around custody/visitation. Talk to several--most will give you a consultation for free or for a nominal fee.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
I believe that "functional" is a word used by some to make it sound not as bad. The truth is that almost every alcoholic's mind eventually goes to the same very bad place. It's a state that it stays in whether we are drinking or not and it can cause us to do things that we wouldn't have done in the past. Even good hearted individuals are capable of bad things when we reach that point.
It would be best if he did not get 50 percent custody. And truth be known if he eventually goes into recovery he may thank you for it later. He won't realize it now, but he will have regrets later over these actions. If it is like you say the kids don't deserve to be subjected to that. Some people will argue that kids need their dad or he needs them. In situations like this that is bunk.
Best wishes.
It would be best if he did not get 50 percent custody. And truth be known if he eventually goes into recovery he may thank you for it later. He won't realize it now, but he will have regrets later over these actions. If it is like you say the kids don't deserve to be subjected to that. Some people will argue that kids need their dad or he needs them. In situations like this that is bunk.
Best wishes.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Firstly, that's not functional.
Second, write down everything. Create a detailed timeline with whatever evidence you can. Include everything, even the stuff you can't prove.
Get a lawyer.
I requested that a guardian ad litem look into our case since there were question marks around whether or not my XAH could care for our toddler daughter alone. The GAL determined quickly the answer was no. My XAH was all talk and did nothing the GAL asked to prove he was capable. His visits are 100% supervised by his parents, who he lives with.
50/50 custody is nuts, it's not compulsory, and it's not his right, especially not when he's drunkenly disciplining babies (!) and picking one of them up by the head (!). Do not agree to it. I would aim, with my lawyer, to minimize his solo contact with the children, period, because he's an abusive, unreliable drunk. Make sure everyone you speak to in the system knows the meat and potatoes of your complaint: he's an abusive alcoholic. If they ask for details, provide them and don't protect him. And the next time he does something like this to your kids, call the cops, call CPS. You can't manage this within the family.
Second, write down everything. Create a detailed timeline with whatever evidence you can. Include everything, even the stuff you can't prove.
Get a lawyer.
I requested that a guardian ad litem look into our case since there were question marks around whether or not my XAH could care for our toddler daughter alone. The GAL determined quickly the answer was no. My XAH was all talk and did nothing the GAL asked to prove he was capable. His visits are 100% supervised by his parents, who he lives with.
50/50 custody is nuts, it's not compulsory, and it's not his right, especially not when he's drunkenly disciplining babies (!) and picking one of them up by the head (!). Do not agree to it. I would aim, with my lawyer, to minimize his solo contact with the children, period, because he's an abusive, unreliable drunk. Make sure everyone you speak to in the system knows the meat and potatoes of your complaint: he's an abusive alcoholic. If they ask for details, provide them and don't protect him. And the next time he does something like this to your kids, call the cops, call CPS. You can't manage this within the family.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Latham, NY
Posts: 10
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I cannot even imagine if my husband had done this when our son was small; bad enough he's doing it now.
50/50 custody is not right. Supervised visitation, maybe, and revisit if he sobers up.
I do understand it's easy for me to say, because my husband waited for his midlife drunk crisis to pull this crap, but this person isn't thinking clearly or behaving rationally, and shouldn't have children dependent on them. Everyone gets stressed, and children are stressful. If he's having this much trouble dealing when he has people there to help, what's he going to be like on his own?
50/50 custody is not right. Supervised visitation, maybe, and revisit if he sobers up.
I do understand it's easy for me to say, because my husband waited for his midlife drunk crisis to pull this crap, but this person isn't thinking clearly or behaving rationally, and shouldn't have children dependent on them. Everyone gets stressed, and children are stressful. If he's having this much trouble dealing when he has people there to help, what's he going to be like on his own?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Oh my. I am sorry this is what you are dealing with.
This is PURE EVIL. No way no how 50% custody. NO WAY.
Document everything that will be your best defense. Do not hesitate to call the police if your own interactions with him merit it. Do not be hesitant to file for a retraining order if he gets violent toward you rather it be verbal or physical.
Journal every incident with him that pertains to his behavior. Go see an attorney now. Whatever you do, do not allow him to take those kids on his own - not just because he is abusive and drunk, but because he can keep them just like you can right now.
This is PURE EVIL. No way no how 50% custody. NO WAY.
Document everything that will be your best defense. Do not hesitate to call the police if your own interactions with him merit it. Do not be hesitant to file for a retraining order if he gets violent toward you rather it be verbal or physical.
Journal every incident with him that pertains to his behavior. Go see an attorney now. Whatever you do, do not allow him to take those kids on his own - not just because he is abusive and drunk, but because he can keep them just like you can right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
BTDT. Not only would I seek primary custody, I would personally add a stipulation in the decree regarding what happens if he drinks while having visitation. Cover yourself and your kids legally NOW, so you don't have to end up in court later.
Joint custody would be an absolute disaster.
Alcoholism is progressive. If he does not get sober and seek true recovery, his current state is as good as its going to get.
It's going to be tough being a single mom, but a heck of a lot easier than keeping an active alcoholic in your home.
Joint custody would be an absolute disaster.
Alcoholism is progressive. If he does not get sober and seek true recovery, his current state is as good as its going to get.
It's going to be tough being a single mom, but a heck of a lot easier than keeping an active alcoholic in your home.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I would recommend going for sole primary custody with supervised visitation only if sober - no overnights - and get a good lawyer.
I have sole primary custody and my ex was not abusive. He talked a lot of talk about custody. That was to get under my skin. In reality - once the posturing got old and the orders were completed - he didn't take the visitation he had coming and eventually moved away and now sees them about a week a year, give or take a few days.
I have sole primary custody and my ex was not abusive. He talked a lot of talk about custody. That was to get under my skin. In reality - once the posturing got old and the orders were completed - he didn't take the visitation he had coming and eventually moved away and now sees them about a week a year, give or take a few days.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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SwiftHeart...
Lawyer up.
The days and weeks to come are going to be very, very difficult. Your job is to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your kids. Get the best lawyer you can afford. No games. No effin' around. And do what you need to do.
Lawyer up.
The days and weeks to come are going to be very, very difficult. Your job is to do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your kids. Get the best lawyer you can afford. No games. No effin' around. And do what you need to do.
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