Redhalo

Hello all. I am new to this forum, which I found through a Google search. My husband is an alcoholic (as is my father, as is my ex ... see the pattern?) The difference here is that I truly want to make this marriage work, and though I realize I can't do it alone I do see hope in him. I did not know about his alcoholism until the latter part of the first year of our marriage. We are now in the latter part of our second year and I fear there may be no way for us to stay together, if I expect him to recover fully. He knows that I love him, and I think he feels that I won't leave. I will leave, but not before I have exhausted all other efforts. I took my vows seriously.

I'll take any advice you might offer, gladly. Thanks for listening.

Red

best

Only he can change his behavior.
I think the best thing you could do is find a Al Anon meeting in your area and gather info and support. This site is a good resource but the meetings are a direct support.

Redhalo

I understand that - I do. I have attended meetings, but i always leave feeling as though my problems are the least of those I have heard. I've been through the really rough stuff with others ... but I know better than to think I can change a person. I guess I'm trying to figure out whether it's worth staying. It's this giant question mark that hangs over my head every day.

best

Only you can answer that question...Should I stay or should I go?

As far as problems being bigger or smaller... A tooth ache hurts just as bad when you have one as a broken leg does to another.
A paper cut hurts like mad but is so small.
A problem that needs answers is still a problem.
Maybe if your problems don't seem so big is because your strength is greater. Still they are something that needs be addressed as to how you should handle them.

Redhalo

Maybe that's what I was looking for here -- someone to tell me to get out, or to stay and work on it. I realize that no one can answer that question but me ... maybe I'm looking for some sort of success rate.

I think the question that I originally came here to ask was ... how do we rebuild trust with a partner who is going to AA, but hasn't been sober for very long? Are there meetings we can attend together? How do I recover from the resentment of being lied to?

I'm asking too much, I know, but this place strikes me as a good resource.

best

Not asking to much. Just may need someone with the correct answers to be around to answer what you ask.
For me I put out the effort to gain back the trust. Strived to give her no reason to mistrust me. I did my part to the degree I could and by her nature, she is a very forgiving person. When I have trust issues with others... I have come to realize that I can't control what they say or do. I learned to put it in God's hands and trust Him only. With that I can deal with what comes along as needed much better.
Forgiveness is a major key. As far as meetings together... I don't know. Others may know.

Zoey

Al-Anon's can attend "OPEN" AA meetings. Some wives come with hubby. Friends and family come also, alone or with the A.
Would he be comfortable?? clancy46

Lorelai

Redhalo -
No one can tell you whether to stay or go - that's your decision. You said that your dad was an A, your ex was an A, now you're married to an A and said "see the pattern?"

They say that wherever you go, you take yourself with you. Maybe it's time to examine and work on yourself to find out why you find yourself in these situations. I've found that the more I work on myself, the better equiped I am to make my own decisions about whether to stay or leave.

Welcome to SR - I'm glad you're here.
L

Lucytoo

This is my first visit...my husband is in treatment. Today is his 9th day of detox, he may be another day or two before he will move to rehab. He will be in treatment for another 5 weeks. This treatment hospital is rated very good with a high percentage of clean and sober patients that do not have a relapse.
My problem is tha I am trying to remain strong. I write every day, check in with the nurses 2 times a day and talk with his counselor once a week. I have learned he is on a roller coaster. Somedays he is very emotional and cries and is so sorry...other days he is in denial and can not understand why he is there, why this is happening to him and says his marriage is distressed.
I can remain strong until that last thought...his marriage is distressed. How do I cope with that?
Yes, I have enabled him, I work alot of hours and cater to him when we are together. I help him off the garage floor and get him to bed, clean up his spills, ete, etc. I love this man. But what if he comes home to tell me he is so mad I asked him to get help that he no longer wants me in his life?
All of our "friends" have abandoned me as soon as my husband checked in.

Redhalo

Clancy ...

He'd be comfortable - if for no other reason than that he knows this is the end of the line. At least, I hope he knows that. He's asked beore if I would go to an AA meeting, but, although I'm willing, I don't know that it would do as much for me as it would for him. And while I'm all for helping him, I feel that I deserve to have my own brand of support. I guess that seems cruel.

Teggie

((((Lucy))) Welcome to our forums. I'm glad you found us. Your life has been affected by an alcoholic, thats obvious, he is getting treatment and is venturing on his road to recovery. What you may not see is that you are starting a recovery too, just like he is and you need to focus on yourself and your recovery right now. I see you are very concerned with his treatment his feelings and his thoughts. Let me ask you, How are you doing? How are you feeling? and What are your thoughts? I want to encourage you to look up a alanon meeting and get your self there, no excuses, JUST DO IT. It's one of the best things you can do for yourself right now. Let him handle his recovery, he has to do this himself, you need to work on yours. Posting here is a good start, lots of excellant info here, check out the power posts at the top of the forum, post and vent, cry, rage whatever, it's all good here. But get to that alanon meeting. I know you love him, but love yourself too gf, don't just be a shadow of him. Keep in touch here on this forum, we know what your going through. Many hugs! Teggie

Redhalo

Rehab is a very hard thing to survive . My son's father is there, and has been for some time. As long as he is there, he's fine, but as soon as he is out I know he will revert to his old ways. It's what he has always done. I'm sorry to hear that you feel abandoned by your friends -- they are the lifeline that I live by. Just know that you aren't the only one, and that there is support if you look for it. Write me any time you like - I will always listen.

Redhalo

I love your quote, and I think it's very true. But I said before that I see hope in this man ... I think I know what hope looks like, at least, I hope I do. I've seen what the hopeless look like ... heck, I've been married to it. I just want to find the best way to work through this with someone who truly seems to want to make his life better. However, I'm afraid that I'm blinded by the "I can fix it" complex. I'm a very strong woman, and sometimes I think I expect too much from myself.